More then a Feeling

Here is the girl coming out in me. Im going to get into the emotional side of things in this journey of mine. Back in the end of 2012 there wasn’t really any bad emotions happening. After a few months when I would get my period I would get frustrated but I would talk with a friend or Josh and I would be fine. One of my close friends(Em*) and I started trying at the same time to have a kid and she got pregnant almost immediately. I was confused because we were both on BC and stopped taking it at around the same time. But as I have read with some people it will take a year for BC to get out of your system and some get pregnant immediately. It was still so early with us trying that I was just very happy for her and there was no negative feelings about her pregnancy. She had a beautiful baby girl in May of 2013. It was so fun for Josh and myself because she is a very close friend of ours. Then as the months went by I would notice more and more of my friends getting pregnant. Every time a new person would announce that they were pregnant all I could think was “why hasn’t it happen to me yet?” Trying, trying, trying, and nothing. I would have my moments…especially around that time of the month. But I will say that I handled the whole situation extremely well up until January 2014. In January it was really starting to sink in that we have been trying for a long time and nothing was happening. We tried every which way: End of ovulation, beginning of ovulation, every other day of the month(my husband has back problems so that one was difficult), every other day of ovulation, majority of the days of ovulation, and whatever other options might have been available through the internet. But we just kept on trying, its just now when I would get my period I would be mad or frustrated that I could’t make this happen. In March 2014 I hit a my rock bottom of TTC(Trying to Conceive). One of my friends(Lynn*), who is also going through fertility problems, was starting a volleyball team and wanted to know if I knew anyone. So, I go to look on my FB to message some friends….almost 10 of my friends where pregnant so I couldn’t ask them…TEN!!! I was feeling pretty down at that point and my husband has just got home so we decided to run to the store. I figured that I was just being emotional because I had started my period(or I was broken as my husband says). So once we get to the store parking lot my husband tells me that Em*, that had the baby that past May, the one who started trying the same time as me, was pregnant with her second child. I instantly started crying. I was so jealous of her. Why was she pregnant? Why am I not? What is wrong with me? “I am put here on this Earth to do one thing and I can’t do it.” Josh just grabbed me and held me in the car. He kept telling me that “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t get upset every time someone announces they are pregnant. Schedule an appointment with the doctor if thats what you think will help.”  He was also talking about how this effects him too and that it could be him that could be causing us to not have a baby(He dealt with radiation in the military after his daughter was born)! I tried to explain to him that it is different for a woman. Every month I’m reminded that I am unable to make a life, that I can’t do the one thing I want to do, and that I am a failure. On top of already being emotional, I then have to deal with that reality each and every month. He just kept reminding me that we will get this. This WILL happen for us. I was just depressed after that. I couldn’t get out of the slump of feeling like everyone else was pregnant and I wasn’t. I couldn’t handle the constant rejection. I scheduled an appointment with a new highly recommend OB for May 2014. I also had a few friends going through a similar situation(infertility). Almost everyday at work I had a girl with me that I could talk with about all of these awful feelings I was having and have someone not judge me. Not saying “you’re young it will happen”, “just relax”, “keep trying”, “did you try___?”, “Want to barrow my kids they are driving me crazy?” I had that person that I could vent to and not feel like a crazy person. Those few friends I had that could relate to me all got pregnant. So it made me realize that I need to get my s*it together and I need to quit being a Debbie Downer. IT WILL HAPPEN. When I started my period in March and April I was a wreck. Extremely depressed, not motivated to do anything, basically unbearable to be around. I would cry all the time and would just look at infertility things on Pinterest all day. After that I realized that MY APPOINTMENT IS THIS MONTH! I then became extremely positive. I knew that I was going to finally start getting answers. I started my period and no negative symptoms(besides cramps). I was just excited that in a week I will get to go talk to someone and find out what I can do to get us a baby. I am unbelievably optimistic about this appointment and we are counting down the days. This is just a PAP, some questions to figure out the next step, and I told my husband he doesn’t have to come but he said that he wants to be there(love him). So, Wednesday05/14/14. The journey will really begin.

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