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PERIOD

Yup, that happen yesterday! Now I will go get my 100MG of Clomid to start on Sunday. Let’s hope for the best on this one.

I don’t want to put all of my husbands business out there. Not like Im not already talking about his sex life and what not but we had a very big personal conversation after I posted about my RE Appointment and things got pretty intense. I just wanted to express how happy I am that I have him by my side through this whole process. I know that it is his process too but its nice having a support system that will be there for me when I need him. He told me, “I know that I don’t say it a lot but I do care about you a lot and I don’t want anything to happen to you…I love you so much and I want us to get healthy together! Also so you can stop being so self conscious because you are beautiful.” That is what I needed! He doesn’t express his emotions much and in the 6 years we have been together he has cried maybe 4-5 times. I told him that his nick name was going to be Spock because he doesn’t show emotions(I wouldn’t have know stuff like that before him…Im so lame). But it was nice to see that he cared that much, that it moved him, that he just wants us to be the best us that we can for this kid. I am so happy to have Josh as my husband. I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend the rest of my life with.

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First RE Appointment

Today was the day! I went to my first RE Appointment.

I got to the doctors office and obviously the nurse did the norm: Asked me all the,”Do you have trouble walking or functioning” type questions AKA the ones that everyone says NO too! Then asked some questions about my cycles, my Clomid cycles, and other questions that the OBGYN asked already. After she was done the typical, “The doctor will be in shortly to see you.” The nurse came in fairly quick and the Doctor did as well.

When the Doctor came into the room she shook my hand and got right into it. She paraphrased back everything that the nurse and I already went over then asked a few of the same questions as well. The Doctor then told me she was going to look over the blood work that was taken a few months ago. She looked at it and her jaw dropped a little and then started asking about my cycles. I thought she may have seen something bad about my cycles, i didn’t know how, but thats what I was thinking. She asked if I ALWAYS got my period, if they were constant, if they were very heavy, etc. Then she said that I had the early onset of Diabetes. WHAT?!?!?! She turned the screen to show me that my levels for that were a 6.0 and normal was 4.5(i think)-6.0 and that 6.4 is considered Diabetic. I was so confused at first. It went from all these cycle questions to Diabetes. What’s sad is I wasn’t as shocked as I probably should have been. My paternal Grandpa died from diabetes after having both of his legs from the knee down removed and part of his one arm. My father and maternal Grandpa have diabetes as well. So, in my mind I was thinking, “It was bound to happen eventually.” But at 26?

Once that was done we started talking about options. One of the first things she said was, “One of the things with Unexplained Infertility…” And I stopped hearing after that. Unexplained, how can you say that? There hasn’t been any testing yet and you are just going to say unexplained; then I tuned back into the conversation. She was saying that we are both young and so we need to take a few steps to get where we need to. We can even take his sperm and just insert it to help improve the process but there were a few things that she wanted to do first before we got to that point. She said that we WILL up the Clomid to 100MG and do that for another 2 months at MAX! If I don’t become pregnant by then I have to have a Hysterosalpingography, in english,  check my uterus and tubes for scarring, abnormalities, and that the tubes aren’t blocked. She also ordered for Josh to have a sample tested. I think that I will have my test done after next month and Joshs’, the sooner the better. She asked how I reacted to Clomid that first time. I then told her of Clomid Chronicles as well as Chapter 2 and she responded with, “Very good”. She said that most people that have bad reactions with the lower dosage have just as bad, if not worse reactions with the higher dosage. Also, that if there are any bad reactions to let her know so they can potentially put me on something else. One of the last things she brought up was that after the 2 months of Cloimd and if I am not pregnant by then we will do the insemination of his sperm into me. Nothing fancy just removing the sex part = (. I hope that doesn’t happen but that would be the next step after the 2 months of Clomid and the test on both of us. After that we were done and I was sent away to get my Clomid and tell my husband all the good news…kind of.

photo

The elevator ride down I said it out loud, “I JUST SAW AN RE.” This is real, you just saw a specialist to get pregnant. You never think thats how its going to be when you are a kid. I remember having it planned out as a child: Get married at 21-22, have my first kid by 23-24, have my second by 24-25, and then go from there with the other 3 that I wanted…yea, I wanted 5 kids! Now that Im not an irrational teenager and married at 24(which is young still, I know) I realize after all this that it is not that easy. What happen to that plan though? The simplicity of getting married and just popping out some babies. That is gone. This is your life. Going to RE Appointments, finding out you could get diabetes if you don’t get your sh!# together, taking pills to get pregnant, OH, and if that doesn’t work then you get a dye shoved into your vagina to make sure its working right. Just like I dreamed it as a kid!

I finally got to the car to call Josh I tell him as it happened in the appointment, so, the early Diabetes was first. He was shocked and immediately started talking about how this is the reality check that we are going to use to get it together. He said,” I don’t mean to sound mean but I am more worried about this then having a kid. What am I supposed to do if we have a kid then you get stuck in a wheel chair from losing your legs to diabetes? Or worse? I want to spend a long healthy life with you so we need to get this taken care of soon.” Now, I wasn’t happy when I heard that first part but then the rest came out and I was completely understanding of that. Josh wants a child with me SO BAD that I know this didn’t come out without some thought behind it. He is genuinely concerned for myself and my health so he wants us to be healthy together. He then talked about juicers, going to the gym, if not the gym doing exercises together at home, cutting out bad foods, or replacing them with some better foods, and he just went on and on about how we are going to fix this. It was endearing but A LOT to take in. His encouragement made me really take in how sever this Diabetes thing could be and it was nice to know I have such a great support system to help me. We then talked about the Cloimd and the testing. He was less then thrilled to hear about that but knows that it has to be done. We also talked about the insemination process and the first words out of his mouth, “How much is all of this going to cost?” I was thinking the same thing. I have no idea how much this is all going to cost and I am nervous to find out. He also apologized that he wasn’t able to be there which was very nice to hear as well. I know that he was but after we talked about everything and he said that it was just nice to hear it, out loud, that he wanted to be there(he had to go home to take care of the dogs.).

So, where this leave us. My period was supposed to start today and I took a test this morning…I KNOW its too early but IF it was positive I was hoping to be able to cancel the appointment for today. The test was negative and my period still hasn’t started so we will see what happens. If it comes then I will start the Clomid and go for a month if not 2 depending on when I can get the day off for my testing. Then go from there. Still hopeful. Still positive. Just absorbing all the information that I received today. I just want everything to be ok, with myself, Josh and the Future Fetus. I want everything to work out. I am still feel positive that we are getting answers and information to move this forward. Though it was not the answers I was expecting(like it ever is) it was answers in the right direction. Now time to wait for the period and hopefully it doesn’t come so we can get this party started!

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Appointment Scheduled

I scheduled the appointment I have been hoping that I wouldn’t have to schedule. I called the other day to set up the appointment thinking that I was going to lose a month waiting for an appointment and that was not the case at all.

I called on Thursday, explained my situation, that my OBGYN said I would take Clomid for 2 months at 50MG and if nothing happened we would see and RE. The receptionist on the phone asked what my schedule was like each day. I told her I work a typical 9-5 which she responded with, “that’s fine she does late appointments too. How is Monday at 615pm?” I was shocked! Thats only 5 days away, 2 business days! I told her that I was scheduled to start my period that day so I didn’t know what we would do if I started or didn’t? She said that the doctor wouldn’t do an exam anyways because this is just the first appointment to see whats going on with me. If I did start then they would check to see if I was in fact pregnant. So, we will see what happens!

Unfortunately, my husband can’t come to this appointment. We work the same shifts and he needs to go home to take care of out dogs. I wish that he could come with because I am nervous about this appointment. I was hoping that it wouldn’t come to this. That I wouldn’t have to see a specialist. I know that I could still be pregnant but just the fact that I had to schedule the appointment is enough for me to want to go find a nice big rock to live under! As I have said before, I am trying to stay positive. I am not becoming extremely depressed like I was before but this feeling almost of defeat. Like I was given the chance and a little assistance to do this myself and I couldn’t do it. Now I need help, actual help because I can’t do this on my own.

Time for the testing now. Time to see(hopefully) what the actual issue is with us. That is my positive, that is what is helping me not lose my cool with this. So, hopefully its not too painful and hopefully we can get some actual answers. Let the testing begin.

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Clomid Chronicles Chapter Two

Well, time for Round two. Since I had already been through the process I wasn’t nervous this time at all. Just mentally prepared for another rough Day 3. So here we go…

Day 1- Day 5

Take Pill

Yup, thats it…nothing happen. I was also having a pretty rough week at work as well. Someone was on vacation so we were understaffed and I was under A LOT of pressure but I never went crazy. No emotional breakdowns! I don’t know how to feel about that. I am relieved that I didn’t have a crying fit or any awful headaches. But at the same time I am a little nervous that nothing happen. I don’t know why I feel like its not going to work this time and then we will have to go see the RE. I don’t mind if it ends up that way I just really want it to work. I am on Day 13 right now. Time to do the deed for the next few days then 2WW. Lets hope for 2 pinks lines in my near future.

I had a very long conversation with my friend, Frankie* and it was very refreshing. I am gradually telling my immediate friends and family about my blog. I should say family and friends that are positive, open-minded, and very close to me. So, I let her read it and it was very nice to be able to talk to someone, have then ask questions, and just have someone to be supportive. Her words(paraphrased), ” Its hard to empathize because I can’t really relate to your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here.” And that is why I am sharing this with people now. I know it sounds kind of selfish but one reason I want to start sharing this is to have that support of being able to not just talk to people who know or can relate to what I am going through but my friends as well. I was holding in all this information and all these feelings because I didn’t think that they would understand, they would be judgmental, or they would think I am overreacting. But Frankie’s* reaction, and knowing she is very open-minded, just proved that sharing this with people validate everything I was thinking. My friends are my friends for a reason. They aren’t going to run away at the first sign of crazy. I mean Em* didn’t even want to tell me about her pregnancy because she was afraid of how I would feel. That is wonderful of her but it just shows what kind of friend I was being for letting her think thats what she had to do. So, share time for me. My blog isn’t going to change and I am still going to share all the same things Now, more people will be reading it…EEKKK!