0

Are we Still on the Same Page?

I’ve been playing the fun game we all know and hate which is the 2WW. I am pretty sure I started spotting today so looks like the 2WW ended a little early for me. I was very hopeful because I haven’t been feeling that great lately: bloating(all the time), headaches(which I never get), nauseous, and tired. Now, I know that this spotting could be nothing and I could still be pregnant but I have a feeling it is just my Broken Time(as my husband calls it) creeping up to come visit. Another month down, another to go.

The other day after the Clomid Cycle my husband was talking to me about his insurance at his work. He had just reached the time frame required to be able to sign up for their benefits and was telling me about his conversation with a friend of his at work. Josh had told his friend about our situation and was asking what the company’s coverage was like for fertility or the pregnancy process. The friend said that its not that great and that it really just covers the basic stuff for pregnancy and child birth. The guy then asked Josh what his game plan was with us. Josh then told the guy, “If we aren’t pregnant by the end of the winter(which for our area is about March) then I think we should hold off for a bit. Heres the thing, my dogs are my kids so we can focus on the house for a bit first.” I was in a daze after hearing that. He doesn’t want to try any more. This is too much for him and he is checked out. I didn’t say a word the whole time he talked. i just sat there and processed every word that fell out of his mouth. Hanging on every syllable and praying that he comes back to the place where we were when he wanted this just as bad as me. So, the conversation just ended and I knew I wanted to talk to him about it but I wanted to find the words and not become a blithering idiot in the process.

We took some time off together because our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. With that being said I knew that we needed to schedule Josh’s Semen Analysis because they only do the testing from 7-2 and Josh works from 8-5 every day. Having a limited time frame I wanted us to do it on a day off so we weren’t “rushed”. I start to call to get everything scheduled and they need his insurance card and information. Well, his insurance is through the VA and when I tell the woman that on the phone she lists some carriers that Josh used to have but doesn’t anymore. She said that we now have to be contacted to verify if it will be covered or not. I then try to cheat the system and contact the local facility to schedule the appointment and ,sure enough, they send me back to the previous scheduler. I tell Josh to contact he VA to see if they can do it there and it be covered. He said his phone was dead and he will charge it, mow the lawn, and when he’s done he will call. He said that I can do my testing but maybe we should hold off on his until we know more. Also that I should contact my insurance today to see what all is covered since we haven’t done that yet either and we are already getting things tested. Now is the time to chat. Keep it together Tiffany(that’s Me), just find out where he stands.

I open my mouth, not even thinking and the word start falling out. “Babe, I wanna chat real quick before you go outside…So, what are you thinking will happen if the Clomid doesn’t work?” He then starts to talk about how we already talked about this the other day. That if the Clomid doesn’t work that we will take a break and get the house fixed up(need a new roof because its leaking, new furniture, carpet, bed. We also need to patch some holes still, paint, and a few other things). He said that he doesn’t want to get into the expensive IBF(Such a dork and corrected that) when we have work to be done around here. I then asked the question I was dreading, “So, after that does that mean you don’t want to try anymore, ever?” “No! not at all!” A HUGE sigh of relief falls over me. I couldn’t have been happier at that moment. He even said he’s not even considering us talking about adoption yet or anything like that and the he definitely still wants to continue trying. “We will do the every other day thing when we think you are ovulating and all of that stuff. But if we had a baby now I would be happy but worried too because we need so much done to the house.” Which I do agree with him on. It would be hard to try to care for a new baby financially when we need to spend close to 10k on a new roof. I told him that I was just worried because the other day he talked about our dogs being our kids and I thought he just didn’t want to try anymore. He corrected that and said that he wants kids with me,”You see how I get around kids of corse I want one.” So, we agreed that after these rounds of Clomid(I have 2 more) that we will hold off on the insemination process(which ever we may need) until we at least get a new roof. We will still do my testing on the 25th and if I need “cleaned out” we will do that as well. But, depending on what my insurance says will determine if we continue my testing or if we wait on that as well.

Its hard to hear that we are waiting again but we are on the same page. We are not waiting forever, we are still going to try. This isn’t an end, this isn’t a bump in the road, or an delay. This is just a different route to the same goal. I couldn’t be more overjoyed that we are still in this for the long haul. He is just being my realistic reminder while I sit in my baby bubble. So, Monday is the day. I find out if my Tubes and Uterus are doing their job for the most part. Then we go from there. hoping for the best, Preparing for the worst. I’ll be back with an update then! After our emotional conversation(only emotional for me, stupid period) feeling very clear. Lets do this!

6

Medical History

On top of been in a slump this week I found out some interesting information from my mother.

My mom called me the yesterday to chat and I decided to ask her more information about her medical history. I had an idea about the majority of what was going on with her: High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Diverticulitis, Colon Surgery(pre-cancerous), Hyperthyroid(three Parathyroids removed), and the fact that she had over 59 polyps removed from her stomach and esophagus. These things I knew. But then she went into the things I DIDNT know. She has Acid Reflects(which makes sense with the polyps that were removed), a tipped bladder and uterus(thats interesting fact, don’t know if its hereditary), and that she has Endometriosis. That was a surprise! I knew that at one point she got her tubes flushed out after a surgery but i didn’t know that surgery was for Endometriosis.

For those of you that don’t know what that is Here is some information but the definition that site(the mayo clinic) gives is: “Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.” Hearing that was very scary and intense. My stomach instantly dropped and I was then petrified for my future. My mom had 2 children before that surgery but she also had a miscarriage before that surgery. After the surgery she had 2 more kids. I know its possible but Im feeling very uneasy about whats going to happen. Obviously, once I got off the phone I started my research and I found THIS on Pinterest and I have most of the symptoms. That made me even more nervous and at that point I decided that I need to have my testing done sooner rather then later. So, I scheduled the appointment. It is set for August 25. So, if I am not pregnant then I will get the testing done where they check my tubes and uterus for any abnormalities. I’m preparing for the worst and hoping for the best! Wish me Luck!!

1

Clomid Chronicles Chapter Three

This was my first round of 100MG of Clomid. It was not what I expected but it could have been a lot worse so that I am grateful.

Day 1

8AM- Take Pill

Day 2 

1120AM- Take Pill

Day 3 

10AM- Take Pill

Day 4

830AM- Take Pill

Day 5

8AM- Take Pill

Nothing! I was extremely relieved! I was expecting with the upped dosage that I would have some sort of side effect but I didn’t have anything. I don’t know if it was a side effect or not but I was feeling very down on Day 9.

Throughout the day at work I was feeling a little depressed. Randomly, I would start thinking about Josh and I having kids, me being pregnant, when I would be due if I get pregnant now, the norm for us infertile ladies. Well, my co-worker who will never understand what I am going through and will also never attempt to understand, started a conversation about us having kids. I don’t remember how it go there but I know that I was getting frustrated with her about her lack of knowledge on my situation no matter how many times we have talked about it. At one point she asked how old I was again and without even answering the question I said, “It doesn’t matter how old I am, infertility is a disease so “being young” won’t make a difference.” She then responded very offensively saying that she was just trying to get at the fact that I have more time to try out all the things that I need to get pregnant then others. I probably should have felt bad for snapping at her but I didn’t. Everyday I have to hear about her kids and rarely talking about my infertility so jumping down her throat because numerous times she has disregarded my disease and comparing it to a headache; that with some patience and a little medicine will fix it. That’s not what it is. Thats not how this works. At least not for me. How am I NOT supposed to lash out when someone wants to give me advice but doesn’t understand what they are giving advice on?

After that day at work we decided to go get some food. While there we were looking on Facebook and my friend, who recently announced she was pregnant, posted her first baby belly picture. I turned my phone to show Josh and he could see the sheer disappointment on my face and responded with, “Sooooo……How about those Indians?”(we live in Ohio). We then agreed to “no more phones” for the rest of dinner.

Once we got home the sadden state didn’t go away. I was just bumming around the house and continued thinking what if this round doesn’t work, God, I want a baby, will the baby pictures every go away, and so on. Every time I look in our “junk room” my heart aches for some blue or pink walls. I really am trying to stay positive but lately that hasn’t been happening. I have no idea what to do to get out of this funk because it has been coming in waves ever since Day 9(Thursday).

Friday we went out with friends and that took my mind off what was going on. Saturday I worked then we went to a local fair. We took my step daughter then went with our friends Em*(we started trying at the same time, pregnant), her husband, and their daughter. Their daughter is a happy 1 year old and was a blast to be around. It was also wonderful seeing my step daughter with her because she made her laugh so much. She was amazing with their daughter. At one point I said to her that she was great with little kids and that made me sad. I have never wanted something so bad that I can’t have. Then today we relaxed for a while but on our way to the grocery store I was talking to Josh about how I need to request a day off in September for me to get my testing done. It was unnerving knowing that I am thinking that far in advance that I will need the testing. We haven’t even started figuring out Josh’s testing. He works Monday through Friday so I don’t know how we are going to do his. But considering my testing and knowing that he will most likely not be there with me makes me nervous too. I don’t want to go through that by myself but at the same time I wouldn’t want anyone there but him. I really hope it doesn’t get to that. But that is all I have been thinking about. Is how this journey isn’t going to end with what we want. I need to stop being so down. I am so done with feeling this way. I know there are people out there that have been going through this longer then me and I can’t even imagine what that pain must feel like. Hopefully, I get out of this slump soon. I need to get out of this because it is baby making time and the last thing I need is to bring my body down during these next week.  Time to start watching funny videos on YouTube or start looking at the Humor section of Pinterest. Wish me Luck!