This was my first round of 100MG of Clomid. It was not what I expected but it could have been a lot worse so that I am grateful.
8AM- Take Pill
1120AM- Take Pill
10AM- Take Pill
830AM- Take Pill
8AM- Take Pill
Nothing! I was extremely relieved! I was expecting with the upped dosage that I would have some sort of side effect but I didn’t have anything. I don’t know if it was a side effect or not but I was feeling very down on Day 9.
Throughout the day at work I was feeling a little depressed. Randomly, I would start thinking about Josh and I having kids, me being pregnant, when I would be due if I get pregnant now, the norm for us infertile ladies. Well, my co-worker who will never understand what I am going through and will also never attempt to understand, started a conversation about us having kids. I don’t remember how it go there but I know that I was getting frustrated with her about her lack of knowledge on my situation no matter how many times we have talked about it. At one point she asked how old I was again and without even answering the question I said, “It doesn’t matter how old I am, infertility is a disease so “being young” won’t make a difference.” She then responded very offensively saying that she was just trying to get at the fact that I have more time to try out all the things that I need to get pregnant then others. I probably should have felt bad for snapping at her but I didn’t. Everyday I have to hear about her kids and rarely talking about my infertility so jumping down her throat because numerous times she has disregarded my disease and comparing it to a headache; that with some patience and a little medicine will fix it. That’s not what it is. Thats not how this works. At least not for me. How am I NOT supposed to lash out when someone wants to give me advice but doesn’t understand what they are giving advice on?
After that day at work we decided to go get some food. While there we were looking on Facebook and my friend, who recently announced she was pregnant, posted her first baby belly picture. I turned my phone to show Josh and he could see the sheer disappointment on my face and responded with, “Sooooo……How about those Indians?”(we live in Ohio). We then agreed to “no more phones” for the rest of dinner.
Once we got home the sadden state didn’t go away. I was just bumming around the house and continued thinking what if this round doesn’t work, God, I want a baby, will the baby pictures every go away, and so on. Every time I look in our “junk room” my heart aches for some blue or pink walls. I really am trying to stay positive but lately that hasn’t been happening. I have no idea what to do to get out of this funk because it has been coming in waves ever since Day 9(Thursday).
Friday we went out with friends and that took my mind off what was going on. Saturday I worked then we went to a local fair. We took my step daughter then went with our friends Em*(we started trying at the same time, pregnant), her husband, and their daughter. Their daughter is a happy 1 year old and was a blast to be around. It was also wonderful seeing my step daughter with her because she made her laugh so much. She was amazing with their daughter. At one point I said to her that she was great with little kids and that made me sad. I have never wanted something so bad that I can’t have. Then today we relaxed for a while but on our way to the grocery store I was talking to Josh about how I need to request a day off in September for me to get my testing done. It was unnerving knowing that I am thinking that far in advance that I will need the testing. We haven’t even started figuring out Josh’s testing. He works Monday through Friday so I don’t know how we are going to do his. But considering my testing and knowing that he will most likely not be there with me makes me nervous too. I don’t want to go through that by myself but at the same time I wouldn’t want anyone there but him. I really hope it doesn’t get to that. But that is all I have been thinking about. Is how this journey isn’t going to end with what we want. I need to stop being so down. I am so done with feeling this way. I know there are people out there that have been going through this longer then me and I can’t even imagine what that pain must feel like. Hopefully, I get out of this slump soon. I need to get out of this because it is baby making time and the last thing I need is to bring my body down during these next week. Time to start watching funny videos on YouTube or start looking at the Humor section of Pinterest. Wish me Luck!