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Clomid Chronicles Chapter Five

My last round of Clomid is done. I am apprehensive and relieved for it to be over…for now. Like I have stated before, the doctor said we could continue and I know that most doctors only allow to do it for six months. So, I would only have one more month if we did decide to continue with it. I just want to feel like me again! I will pass on trying it for one more month. If it doesn’t happen after five tries I’m not going to put my body through a sixth time. Also, this cycle I took the pills on days 3-7 instead of the typical 5-9 I was told by my doctor to do. I did notice more emotional effects but nothing crazy or unbearable like the first round which you can read about Here. Sill 100MG as well.

Day 1

8AM Take Pill

I don’t really remember what time it was, between 4:00PM-4:45PM, but I was getting ready to take money to the vault(I work at a bank, don’t think I have shared that before) and my coworker was talking to a customer. He was sharing that his weekend plans where to get their nursery together. he continued to talk about the building of things and painting. I went into the vault and had to take a minute. I had to get it together. I did not cry but I was right there. I was ready to just break down in that vault. I wanted to fall to the floor and just sob BUT I didn’t. I took about 30 seconds to gather my thoughts and my composure to walk out of that vault like nothing was wrong.

Day 2

8AM Take Pill

7PM We had my step daughter that day and we were on our way to a festival that was happening in a city near us. When we stopped for gas on the way there my husband got out of the car and my step daughter started talking to me about her cousin. She just blurted out that her 17 year old cousin was pregnant by her boyfriend. on a side note I am awful at hiding my true reactions to things. What I am thinking shows on my face 98% of the time. So, when my step daughter said that I know my face was bleeding with shock and disappointment. She believed this was all because the girl was only 17 and having a baby boy. But its OK because she didn’t plan on going to college(don’t even get me started there). As we were driving and rocking our to Flogging Mollies(Irish band, amazing). I stared out the window in disbelief of the news I just heard. Why can’t we get pregnant? This child can that is 10 years younger then me but we can’t. I was falling into a depressed state fast. Once we got there I brushed it off and enjoyed our time together but it still lingered with me for the rest of the night.

Day 3

8:45AM Take Pill

Day 4

8AM- Take Pill

9PM(ISH)- That night I was reading some the blogs and was thinking to myself, “I wonder if my RE is doing everything she can for me? Should I get a second opinion to see if another RE would do something different?” Then I was reading things about Unexplained Infertility and bout how its ok to get a second opinion. So, I decided to ask my husband about it. He said I don’t see a point because they will probably say the same thing so why waste our time and money. Then that conversation turned into well if IUI doesn’t work what is our next step? Which turned into my husband saying that IVF is very expensive, that he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money multiple times to try to have a baby, and that we could just adopt. Which lead to me crying and him asking,”Why do you always want to have these conversation when you are on Clomid?” I do have these conversation every time I am on Clomid to which I don’t understand. Apparently that is when I have epiphanies about things. Josh just hugged me. I told him that he doesn’t understand. Family is VERY important to me and he already has a daughter so he gets that but I want us to have our baby so I can know that feeling of being a Mom, not just a Step-Mom. He responded with, “we can do IVF, whatever you want to do, we can do that.” Reading it may sound harsh but it was not stated that way at all. It was a genuine gesture of “I will support you with whatever you want us to do.” I was so relieved that he was willing to go through this exhausting, never-ending, struggle with me so that we can eventually have our family.

Day 5

8AM- Take Pill

The rest of the time I have been on Clomid I have been in a depressed state. Just crawling through each day. Not doing anything extra that I could have. I did laundry and that is it because I had to do it. I had no energy to accomplish anything else. My body didn’t allow me to do anything extra these last few days. I was on the verge of crying ALL THE TIME. I am feeling a little better today but it is only my first day of not taking it so its not much of a change. But its almost time to push all the bad emotions to the side and start baby making. I need to get myself out of this funk and the baby shower I have to attend this weekend probably won’t help that. BUT I will make the best of that situation. I am so happy for my friend that did 1 round of Clomid and is having twins…if only we were all that lucky! So, I will kick ass at all the games, mingle, take a bunch of pictures, and enjoy the shower for my friend. I am so elated to be able to share this with her. Please send some strength, sanity, and positive vibes at this one so I don’t have a break down at this shower. I will hopefully have a BFP update after this coming 2WW.

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One Lovely Blog Award

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Rules for winning this award are very simple, here they are:

1.  Thank the person who has nominated you and provide a link to his/her blog.

2.  List the rules.

3.  Include 7 facts about yourself.

4.  Nominate other bloggers and let them know that they have been nominated.

5.  Display the award logo in your post.

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Thank you so much to No One Asks About My Eggs and A Calm Persistence for nominating me for The One Lovely Blog Award. I feel very honored and blessed to be nominated. This is my first blog ever! On top of it being my first it is also the most personal thing that I could talk about and share with people, strangers. BUT it has been amazing to me so far. Hearing others’ stories and seeing the similarities of what I am going through makes me feel a sense of comfort to know I am not alone in this journey of infertility. Thanks to all of the wonderful woman that are sharing their journey and I hope that you will all look over the blogs I have nominated. They are all wonderful people opening up about their most personal struggles and dreams that can use some love and positive vibes!

Seven Random Facts About Me

1. My Husband was also my first serious Boyfriend. My longest relationship before him was barely six months and we just had our 2 year wedding anniversary in August(6 years together).

2. I have taken a ride on the Goodyear Blimp before.

3. I love Halloween, Horror movies, Haunted Houses, and Fall

4. I didn’t try blueberry muffins for the first time until I was 22 years old.

5. I have never broken a bone or been “put under” before and I’ve only had stitches twice in my life. On the top of my head and on my foot.

6. I am afraid of Clowns!! It started back with the Ronald McDonald statues that would be in the play areas at McDonalds as a kid!

7. My mom is one of my best friends and I recently starting going to bingo with her…don’t judge me!

And I nominate:

1. My Perfect Breakdown

2. What To Try When Trying

3. Tales of an Empty Womb

4. CVanVerth

5. LadyLove and BabyDust

6. Baby Making Sucks

7. Baby Bump Wishes

8. Our Baby Journey

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HSG Appointment

I wrote down most of my experience at the doctors for my HSG testing but somethings I don’t remember so I will do my best with my horrible memory.

I was running late for some reason. I just remember rushing into the waiting room to check in and immediately sit down. There was another couple that was waiting as well. They were in their middle to late 30s, husband and wife, and both calm just patiently waiting for a name to be called. Her and I exchanged smiles but nothing more. I was so curious as to why they where there though. The whole time, is she going for the same thing as me? Are they having difficulties too? How are they handling it? Then my name was called to come back.

We walk back to a room that was the size of 2 bathroom stalls, one in front of the other, 5X15 if I had to guess. On the back wall was about 6 lockers that we were supposed to put our clothes after changing into our gowns that tied together and stayed closed unlike most hospital gowns. After changing the nurse verified what day of my Cycle I was on and asked me if I knew what was going to happen. I responded with, “I read the pamphlet and did some research online.” And she was ok with that answer. The nurse told me to then go sit in a little waiting room to the side of the changing area and wait for a nurse to get me. Around the corner the waiting room was just 2 couches and a TV that was playing Ellen. I don’t remember what was happening on the show but I remember laughing for a brief moment. It was a small relief from the immense anxiety that I was feeling about this procedure. That moment was short lived because after a quick bathroom break(I have to pee when Im nervous) the nurse that would be helping with the procedure.

We went across the hall to a different room. It reminded me of the room that I went to when I was younger to get an Xray but with a lot more computers,wires, and people. There was my RE, the nurse that brought me into the room and 2 other people that were in a room off to the side. The room had windows with shades that where kind of open so they could see what was happening with me but I have no idea who they were or even if they where women or men. I sat down and the Doctor explained the procedure one more time. I was listening but I was so nervous I didn’t hear a word she said. I then had to lay down and there where no stirrups. Not that I enjoy seeing those things but they help. I had to place me feet at the bottom of the table and just try to hold them there. I then laid down and locked those knees tight. I felt so exposed in all meanings of the word. I didn’t want to be there. I was petrified of what was going to happen: If my tubes are clogged will unclogging really get me pregnant? If they aren’t clogged why hasn’t it happen yet? What next?

The Doctor try politely asked me to unlock my knees and that she would begin. It started like a PAP with the “duckbill” and cleaning the Cervix which was a little painful but nothing crazy. I was mostly uncomfortable the whole time. And not uncomfortable like I was naked on a table with a woman looking up my skirt but uncomfortable like the when you have a little tooth ache that causes a minor pain that will not go away. Just plain uncomfortable and cringing feeling that I just wanted to end. I then started to cry. Not because I was in pain or uncomfortable but because I was so scared of what would happen next. The Doctor had to tell me to hold my breath so they could take the shots as the dye went in. The Dye wasn’t that bad either. I remember the pressure a little but it was tolerable. I decided to just look at the pictures as she was taking them to see if I could comprehend. I couldn’t see them well though because my eyes where full of mascara from my uncomfortable tears.

Once the procedure was done the Doctor couldn’t stop apologizing and asking if I was ok. I just continued to tell her that it wasn’t her or the procedure and after that she showed me the pictures. Moment of Truth: Everything came back normal. The only thing that she said was that my right tube was pretty long =] but the dye got through the whole thing. The pictures where interesting to see and nice to know that everything was normal. After that I had to chat with her. I told the doctor that we would not be moving forward with the insemination process because we need a new roof first. She was very understanding and said that once we got where we wanted to that I could contact her to move forward with the process. I then gave her the list of the Medical History and she said that the next step will be to get me tested for Endometriosis then go from there. She also said that we could try more Clomid too…If I wanted to. We are going to do this round and then take a break. We can talk about it soon but Im trying to gradually take this break and not jump into more baby talk. Im trying to think positive for this last round of Clomid so we will see. I know the next one will actually have some action to it. the last Clomid Chronicles will not be like the others. Ill be back with that update in about a week.

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Clomid Chronicles Chapter Four

This round of Clomid was bad for us. It was still 100MG and of course, I didn’t have any reactions or negative symptoms.

Day 1

1130AM -Take Pill

Day 2

1PM- Take Pill

Day 3 

12PM- Take Pill

Day 4 

11AM- Take Pill

Day 5

1PM-Take Pill

Yeah…I messed that up! On top of already being mad at myself for messing up the times we messed when we were supposed to have sex. I was in a little pain after my HSG testing that was done on the first day of Clomid. Once, we did have sex it was kind of painful which made me a little nervous to have sex when we were supposed to. The first day we were supposed to(CD12) I decided to have a wisdom tooth pulled as well and it was not an easy task. I was in a lot of pain and on some medication for the pain as well. BUT we did it. After that, it went down hill from there.  I can honestly say that we had sex one other time when we were supposed to…if that. It was a bad run! I know that I should be more upset but it was nice to not worry about every little plan and day and event. Just to heal from the tooth being pulled and relax a little.

Not to anyones surprise I started my period this month.  And so we continue on.

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Question

So I apologize I haven’t updated. Still no computer, though my husband did get me a tablet which is very hard to try to type a blog entry on but I’m managing for this one. To get to the point, my husband and I messed up this round of Clomid, I had a wisdom tooth pulled among other things. So, this next cycle of Clomid is my last round and after that is our “break” to get the roof fixed before we get into insemination. I will still do my endometriosis testing but we will hold off on the baby part. I was wondering what the thoughts where on taking Clomid days 3-7 compared to days 5-9? I have heard both and when I called the nurse line before my HSG she said “continue taking it 3-7” and I corrected her with what the doctor said, “5-9” to which she responded with something like yes that. So, I was wondering all of your takes on the timing.

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Computer problems

So, I don’t have much time to type up an update right now but I am hoping to be able to later on today. My Mac decided to die 2 weeks ago(or shortly after my last post). We thought it was the charger, bought a new one, and that didn’t fix it. My Husband is an IT guy so he has been fidgeting with it and hasn’t gotten anywhere. He thinks it might be done for.(NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!) So, Hopefully later I can get everyone back up to speed. Since the last post. I started my period =( I went to get my tube testing done, and have done another round of Clomid. New Clomid Chronicles! But since I have to use my Husbands computer it has been difficult to try to do an update, he is always on his computer. And I may have forgotten my password for this site so I had to reset that. Everything on my computer would automatically log me in. The joys and sorrows of technology.