My last round of Clomid is done. I am apprehensive and relieved for it to be over…for now. Like I have stated before, the doctor said we could continue and I know that most doctors only allow to do it for six months. So, I would only have one more month if we did decide to continue with it. I just want to feel like me again! I will pass on trying it for one more month. If it doesn’t happen after five tries I’m not going to put my body through a sixth time. Also, this cycle I took the pills on days 3-7 instead of the typical 5-9 I was told by my doctor to do. I did notice more emotional effects but nothing crazy or unbearable like the first round which you can read about Here. Sill 100MG as well.
8AM Take Pill
I don’t really remember what time it was, between 4:00PM-4:45PM, but I was getting ready to take money to the vault(I work at a bank, don’t think I have shared that before) and my coworker was talking to a customer. He was sharing that his weekend plans where to get their nursery together. he continued to talk about the building of things and painting. I went into the vault and had to take a minute. I had to get it together. I did not cry but I was right there. I was ready to just break down in that vault. I wanted to fall to the floor and just sob BUT I didn’t. I took about 30 seconds to gather my thoughts and my composure to walk out of that vault like nothing was wrong.
8AM Take Pill
7PM We had my step daughter that day and we were on our way to a festival that was happening in a city near us. When we stopped for gas on the way there my husband got out of the car and my step daughter started talking to me about her cousin. She just blurted out that her 17 year old cousin was pregnant by her boyfriend. on a side note I am awful at hiding my true reactions to things. What I am thinking shows on my face 98% of the time. So, when my step daughter said that I know my face was bleeding with shock and disappointment. She believed this was all because the girl was only 17 and having a baby boy. But its OK because she didn’t plan on going to college(don’t even get me started there). As we were driving and rocking our to Flogging Mollies(Irish band, amazing). I stared out the window in disbelief of the news I just heard. Why can’t we get pregnant? This child can that is 10 years younger then me but we can’t. I was falling into a depressed state fast. Once we got there I brushed it off and enjoyed our time together but it still lingered with me for the rest of the night.
8:45AM Take Pill
8AM- Take Pill
9PM(ISH)- That night I was reading some the blogs and was thinking to myself, “I wonder if my RE is doing everything she can for me? Should I get a second opinion to see if another RE would do something different?” Then I was reading things about Unexplained Infertility and bout how its ok to get a second opinion. So, I decided to ask my husband about it. He said I don’t see a point because they will probably say the same thing so why waste our time and money. Then that conversation turned into well if IUI doesn’t work what is our next step? Which turned into my husband saying that IVF is very expensive, that he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money multiple times to try to have a baby, and that we could just adopt. Which lead to me crying and him asking,”Why do you always want to have these conversation when you are on Clomid?” I do have these conversation every time I am on Clomid to which I don’t understand. Apparently that is when I have epiphanies about things. Josh just hugged me. I told him that he doesn’t understand. Family is VERY important to me and he already has a daughter so he gets that but I want us to have our baby so I can know that feeling of being a Mom, not just a Step-Mom. He responded with, “we can do IVF, whatever you want to do, we can do that.” Reading it may sound harsh but it was not stated that way at all. It was a genuine gesture of “I will support you with whatever you want us to do.” I was so relieved that he was willing to go through this exhausting, never-ending, struggle with me so that we can eventually have our family.
8AM- Take Pill
The rest of the time I have been on Clomid I have been in a depressed state. Just crawling through each day. Not doing anything extra that I could have. I did laundry and that is it because I had to do it. I had no energy to accomplish anything else. My body didn’t allow me to do anything extra these last few days. I was on the verge of crying ALL THE TIME. I am feeling a little better today but it is only my first day of not taking it so its not much of a change. But its almost time to push all the bad emotions to the side and start baby making. I need to get myself out of this funk and the baby shower I have to attend this weekend probably won’t help that. BUT I will make the best of that situation. I am so happy for my friend that did 1 round of Clomid and is having twins…if only we were all that lucky! So, I will kick ass at all the games, mingle, take a bunch of pictures, and enjoy the shower for my friend. I am so elated to be able to share this with her. Please send some strength, sanity, and positive vibes at this one so I don’t have a break down at this shower. I will hopefully have a BFP update after this coming 2WW.