With Good Times Come Bad Times

One month down(just finished my period). One and a half to go. January can’t come soon enough so we can get this baby train going. I have been good this month. I haven’t been reading up, researching, thinking about anything baby related. But with that I haven’t been on here as well. I apologize for not being as supportive. I hope that all is well with the pregnant ones and the soon-to-be pregnant ones. I am happy to see mostly happy news on here. We have just been going with the flow and it has been good so far. I got a promotion at my job(and a raise) which will require me to travel a little more but I will be working closer to my husband so we can car pool when the weather gets bad. Ohio has some unpredictable snow days and I get panic attacks when I have to drive in really bad weather. Overall its a very good thing. I applied for my benefits at work and I need to call them to find out what is covered since the provider changed. But again, trying to hold off on that. A lot has been going on this last month as well.

Em* had her baby boy. Big Ol’ 9LB boy. He’s adorable.

Lynn* is going to start IUI. =] So excited for her.

Amber* is huge with her twin boys.

I’ve been hanging out with Em* a lot too. She is my best friend and best friends with my husband as well. One day before the baby came we took my step daughter, her daughter, and the husbands to a pumpkin patch. It was freezing out but we had a good time. $21 dollars for a stupid hay ride, we couldn’t do the corn maze or the kid play areas because it had rained the day before, and the pumpkins were purchased by weight so they were stupid expensive. We ended up going to Sam’s Club and buying pumpkins there. BUT the entire time we were at the Pumpkin Patch and when we went to Sam’s Club this little girl only wanted me to hold her. I WAS LOVING IT!!! Any time anyone tried to take her from me to hold her she shook her head at them and said, “Noooo.” It was adorable. I loved feeling her little hands holding on to my shoulder and her smile each time we would see a balloon or a big pumpkin. It was a very good day. One of the better ones during this last month. Once Em* had her baby I was nervous on how I would feel and surprisingly her pregnancy/birth wasn’t negative for me at all. I was expecting sadness once the baby came. Seeing my husband holding him, me holding him, his little cries and adorable faces but I was unbelievably overjoyed for Em* and her husband. This baby is so stinking cute and I can’t wait to see him and his 1 year old sister together.

Now this last weekend wasn’t as good for me. I worked six days and was exhausted by Saturday(and I started my period). But that day we had our friends’ (Erin* and Al*)son’s 3rd birthday party. We got the present together and were on our way to the party. There where a lot of people and kids everywhere. The kids mostly belonged to Erin’s* sister, 4 from 7 years old to 1 years old. After all the birthday festivities the birthday boy’s older brother and some of the other kids where going to an open skate at an ice skating rink to practice because he had just started hockey. At the house Al* stayed behind with myself, Josh, then some of the kids: the birthday boy and 3 of the sisters kids(a 6 year old girl, 3 year old girl, and the 1 year old boy) The 1 year boy was a sleep when everyone left and the parents said that he would stay asleep the whole time. Well, the other children where playing loud so that little boy woke up. He was scared, tired, and mom and dad weren’t there so he was freaking out. He was screaming and crying so hard. Al* was trying to help but wasn’t getting anywhere so I asked if I could try. I held the little guy and took him into the kitchen away from all the noise. I bounced around that kitchen softly telling the boy how good he was until he rested his head on my shoulder. He kept looking up at me and then his eyes would slowly start to shut.  I never felt that feeling before and I can’t even explain what it was. He gradually drifted asleep and I was so elated that it was me that got this boy to calm down and sleep. After the elated feeling hit its peak I then felt immense sorrow. It could have been due to the extra hormones but I was almost driven to tears. Why can’t this be my son/ daughter. I stared at him with a pain in me that I thought would never go away. Then I heard the front door open. The little boy stayed asleep but then the dogs barked so he was awake. I handed him off to his mother even though I didn’t want to. The rest of the night I just hoped that she would ask me to hold him so she could go to the bathroom, get some food, something. It never happened. The mother kept saying, “they just know, babies know.” Know what? That I’m a Mom that got him to fall asleep. Because thats how I take it. The childless mother was able to get the baby to sleep. I was depressed the rest of the night. Once we left and almost home my husband was talking about how cute I looked holding the baby and that I did so good with him. I did not want to hear that. I told him, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was that.  The next day was awful. My period was in full swing with unbearable cramps and an emotional downslide that crippled me for the day. I laid in bed for 4 hours only to get up to use the restroom and get a drink because my body required it. We had to go grocery shopping and I put on the facade to complete that task. By the end of the day I was back to normal. It was a rough 24 hours and I was glad when it was over. But it does make me want to do the research and the appointments sooner rather the later. I am going to force myself to wait until January but 2015 is the start of something good for us. It has to be.

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