1

Grey’s Gets Me Every Time

For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy(I’m sorry that you aren’t living your life to the fullest) there is a couple on the show, Jackson and April that are pregnant. On the last episode we were informed that the baby had a rare birth defect that would cause the baby to maybe only live a few days after it is born, if that. Horrible news for anyone to have to take in. April found out about it and was trying to work all day to keep her mind off what was going on. To help people and have control over some kind of situation. On this episode there was a mom that caused a accident that hurt a lot of people; she drove herself and her kids off a bridge. They found out the mom had a tumor which is what caused her abnormal behavior. But all day April was livid with this mother and what she did to her children. This was April’s breakdown at the end of the episode

WHY?

You can do everything right and it doesn’t even….

WHY?

I am sure we have all said that numerous times. To ourselves, to others, or just on here. Just to get it out, just to say the words. WHY? Why us? Why me? I try to understand and comprehend why this is happening to me on almost a daily basis. As a religious person I even say what April says, “why would God let that happen”.  I am not saying I am perfect but I am not a bad person. Why can’t we have a baby? Why do we have to struggle with this? I want to understand and I want an explanation for the obstacles that we have to jump through. April, holding her belly and saying Why just crushed me. And as Jackson said, “I don’t know”. It is the worst answer but it is the one that we all hear. There is no one that can answer the question Why so we have to settle for “I don’t know” as the answer to our questions. But the next part is what we all need to remember ,” but whatever you need I am here.” There is always someone. Whether there are multiple someones or just one…remember that. There is nothing wrong with breaking down. I am a person that does that in private or at least I try to. Last week I had a moment in public though and it was difficult.

Josh and I were finally able to go to one of my step daughter’s basketball games. They are Fridays at 6pm and working at a bank doesn’t really make it possible for me to go. This week her game got pushed back so we could go. We walk in and are greeted by my husband’s Ex Wife’s Dad who told us that the other game was almost over so my step daughter was up next. It was crazy in there from a game that was currently going on. Once that game ended we found a seat on the bleachers. Across the gym was where Josh’s Ex was sitting and we didn’t realize that until we sat down. She came over with her 1 year old daughter to give us my step daughters basketball pictures. Her daughter is adorable. While she was chatting with us her daughter laid her head on her moms shoulder. My heart melted. We all know that is probably the one thing that we all want. I was fine at that point, no big deal, just an adorable baby cuddling with her mom. They go back to the other side of the gym to sit with there stuff. After about 15 minutes I look back over to her. I see the baby sit up then fall into her mom and she just held that baby with all her might. I started to tear up. I was so jealous. This woman not only has a child with my husband but has a baby as well. At that point she had everything that I wanted, everything that I have been wanting for the last 2 years and 4 months. I didn’t look at Josh. I avoided eye contact at all cost. After one tear fell I knew I needed to get it together. I didn’t want my step daughter to see me that way, my husband, or his ex wife. So, I took a few deep breaths, focused on the game, and didn’t look at her for the rest of the game.

I am just grateful that weekend is in the past. Keeping the Dream Baby in mind I am happy for this weekend. I am going to a movie with my mom and step dad tomorrow. After that we are having a game night with Em*, her husband, his sister, her husband, and their kids. Then Sunday is the Super Bowl so we are going to a friends house to watch that. AND I got the job!!! YAY! I still have to put in my 2 weeks in but it was nice to start the weekend with great news! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

2

Now I Feel Confused and Foolish

No surgery for me…for now…I think!

Originally when I spoke with Lisa* she was saying I could get the surgery Tuesday(27th) or depending on my cycle in February sometime at the end of February. My manager was sick and when he finally came back on Saturday(24th) He said, “Don’t worry about this place. Do what you have to do. Just see if you can get it done next week and we will go from there.” Don’t have to tell me twice.

I contacted my Doctors Office on Monday morning to see if I could still go in for the surgery on Tuesday(Crazy, I know). I realized I was speaking with Lisa* so I asked her about the Cycle Days with the surgery. She said that surgery had to be done between CD 5-11. She said that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to get into the surgery that quick. She finally called me back at about 11AM. Hello Lisa* Tell me something good! Lisa* tells me that, “since the Doctor hasn’t seen you since the HSG she isn’t going to do the surgery because you need pre-testing to verify that you need the surgery. She doesn’t want to cut for no reason. So, she said let’s schedule an appointment to discuss what you want to do next.”

…….

Though I am grateful she doesn’t want to cut into me for no reason and I was skeptical about just going right into a surgery without pre-surgery testing. I am a little confused and feel rather foolish. I have been talking to them for almost 2 weeks about this. Why wasn’t something said sooner about not doing the surgery until after I spoke with her sooner? Or why didn’t the doctor say something when I messaged her to get information on the surgery? The doctor told me at the HSG that because it came back normal that this is the next test she wanted to do. I completely understand that I need pre-testing but let’s just schedule that. I don’t want to waste time with us chatting…AGAIN for me to come back for another visit after that to get this going. I just want us to figure this out.

There is another potential obstacle for us as well. I have applied for a new job a few weeks ago and did a final interview today. I think that all went well! It is a bit of a drive but its a pay increase and if I do get the job it is a great opportunity to move up in banking. I want to go back to school and it is much more of a possibility if I get out of the branch side of banking; this would be a move to the operational, back end of banking. I am hoping for the best BUT it is yet another delay in the TTC journey because of the delay in insurance.

I was talking with Josh about this tonight. We are going to get him tested in March; when his insurance through his work kicks in. We are FINALLY going to start using OPT(Ovulation Prediction Kit). I know I am way behind the times for someone that has been TTC for over 2 years. I just got some First Response ones from a friend but I was wondering:

-What OPK do you guys prefer?

-Where do you buy them from? (They can be pretty expensive)

-Is there a better time to test?

As I said, I am behind the times. The past 2 I took I got “?”. The first one I think was my fault…I MAY have unclipped it in a nervous frustration while waiting for the answer! I swear it was way more then 5 minutes. BUT the second time I think I did everything right and still got a “?”.  I know what OPKs are but I haven’t looked into them too much because of the price but now….With all these delays and insurance and new job and house repairs and anything else that can and will happen. I don’t want to keep allowing these delays to hold us back. I want to do everything I can to get us a baby.

Any other advice for someone who:

-Has normal blood work(boarder line diabetic is the only thing)

-6 rounds of Clomid- Fail

-And Negative HSG Results(Right ovary was a little far away, long right tube)

I am open to any suggestions on opinions I was even thinking of posting my Blood work results on here to see what people think. Maybe next post. I am tired! =] Let me know what you guys are thinking!

6

Endometriosis Surgery Question

I called my Insurance back again to verify what was or was not covered. Taking multiple peoples’ advice I contact my Doctor’s Office first to get the more precise information to ask the Insurance company. I called and spoke with Lisa* who was specific to my doctor(a nurse, secretary, or something like that). When I spoke with Lisa* she told me the procedure code for the Diagnostic Laparoscopy. She then told me to not mention Infertility at all(which I knew after talking to you fine folks). I then contacted the Insurance company to ask the question yet again. I told the woman on the phone that I had a procedure code and wanted to verify if it was covered under my new insurance? I gave her the code and she said,” Yes, it is covered…depending on why it is being done.” I was baffled that she could even say that, “depending on why” What? Why does that matter? I asked the obvious question, “What do you mean by that?” She responds with, “Well, if you have predetermined symptom that suggest Endometriosis that it could be covered but if it is being done for Infertility purposes then it could be denied” WHAT? I didn’t even say Infertility, do you have a note on my file? Do you know me? I was blown away. At that point I was just confused as to what I was supposed to do but held it together and pushed the confusion aside to finish this conversation. After we hung up I was so pissed. There is no way to candy coat this. I was confused as to why a procedure could be approved for patient A because they have signs of Endo but Patient B wants to have a child and needs to this test but it is not approved. Why is an Insurance Company allowed to do this? UNBELIEVABLE!

Today I decided to contact my Doctor again to find out the soonest I could have the surgery and get a quick overview of the surgery because I knew nothing about what was going to be done to me. All I knew is that I was going to get 2 small cuts and a camera was going into me to check for Endo. I called the Doctor and it was Lisa* again. I told her what my insurance said and she was very kind. She looked over what I had done last year to see what was and wasn’t covered. Everything was covered but that wasn’t any help to me see as I have a whole new Insurance Company now. But it was nice she went out of her way to look into that. She then said that we should hopefully be able to cover it so that it is mostly covered by the insurance. Once I heard that I felt a little relief. Now time for procedure questions: I asked when was the soonest I could have the procedure done? She said that it depended on my cycle and asked when my period started. Well, it started Sunday Night. Lisa responded with, “Next week then….so….Monday Tuesday or Wednesday….Tuesday the 27th would be when it is available.” WHOA that is quick. Well, my job is extremely short staffed so I know that is not possible. “When would be the next time?” “Well, again, that depends on your cycle. You would call us when you start and we could schedule from there.” Thats fine. Thats how most things work when you are getting testing to have a baby. Lisa continued, “The procedure takes about and hour and a half depending on what she finds” What do you mean by that? I thought she was just looking around. “If the Doctor find signs of Endometriosis then she will remove what she can which could potentially make the surgery last longer and the recovery last longer as well.” Ok, that makes more sense now but it also makes me a little more nervous. I have never been put under…EVER! So, the idea of almost an unknown time of how long I will be under is a little unnerving. I told Lisa* that “I was under the impression that I would be able to get the surgery Friday and come back to work on Monday.” Her exact response, “Oh, you are a strong woman! We suggest taking a week off(thats the max.) and you are limited to what you can do.” How in the world am I going to be able to take a week off work when we are short staffed? I don’t want to use vacation time for this. What if I don’t even have Endo and I have to take all this time off? OH GOODNESS! Lisa* then asked me what I do and I told her(I work at a bank). She said, “You are limited to lifting 10 lbs. which means no lifting Coin or heavy bags of money, are you in charge of the Vault(yes)? Then you will definitely need help with the money once you go back. You need to be very careful you don’t tear or rip anything the Doctor did.” Rip or tear….that sounds great. That was all I needed and was exhausted from the information I received. I told her that I would contact her once  verify when I can have the surgery and it would most likely be next month after my period.

I contacted HR through my work just to verify what I am supposed to do when I have the surgery and I will use sick time to cover my time off. I was just comforted that I didn’t have to use any vacation time(if I use more then a week I will but I don’t plan on that). After doing some basic math I believe that it was between CD 9-11 I am supposed to get the surgery done. Well, instead of guessing I figured I would just call the Doctor’s Office back to ask. When I called the new lady I spoke with said that it didn’t matter when I had the surgery, I just couldn’t do it when I was on my period. Now I am even more confused. I want to do this sooner rather then later but I don’t want to overwhelm myself. The 26th of February I am having a wisdom tooth pulled and having a crown put in. An hour and a half appointment that I will need some recovery from for sure.  I was hoping that if there isn’t a time frame that I can get it done on February 20th. Six days of recovery should be enough right? Maybe? So here are my questions for you ladies:

Is there a certain time I need to get this surgery done?

How long should I give myself for recovery?

Is it a bad idea to do the surgery so close to my dentist appointment?

What was the surgery like for any of you that had it done? and the recovery?

How long was the surgery?

Whats the next step if it is Endo?

What’s the next step if it isn’t Endo?

Any help would be greatly appreciated! =]

0

I am one in eight.

I couldn’t have said it any better!

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I was in a delicate place yesterday, and today. And will probably be tomorrow too.
Today is cycle day 15, still waiting for my positive on my ovulation test. Deep down, I don’t think I’ll get it, I think I already know I will not ovulate on letrozole. When I was on clomid, I would already be experiencing ovary pain and they would be swollen by now. I don’t have anything going on down there now…So I don’t think my positive LH surge is coming (which happens before ovulation). So. This month is going to be another disappointment.

6 more people know about my infertility now, 3 of my husband’s friends and their wives. Pretty soon everyone who knows us will know about it. I’m really sruggling with going public. It would be so easy with Facebook. Why shouldn’t i? But then again, why should i? Do I really want…

View original post 1,218 more words

2

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

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Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award is an award that recognizes the unique voices of women across the world. Thank you Bosma Life for nominating me for this wonderful Award!

The rules:
1. Link to the person who nominated you.
2. Add the award logo.
3. Answer the questions your nominator has asked.
4. Nominate 7 other blogs.
5. Ask your nominees 10 questions.

I nominate:

The Barren Librarian

With Grace and Faith

A Calm Persistence

Dreaming of Diapers

Cvanverth

SpiritBabyComeHome

EventualMomma

Questions for Nominees:

1. Do you have any pets?

2. Favorite Movie/Book?

3. One place you would like to visit in your life or favorite place you have visited in your life?

4. What was you favorite Christmas(Holiday) gift that you gave or received this year?

5. What is one thing that you don’t have the guts to do but you wish you did?

6. What kind of music do you listen to?

7. (stole from SettlingMud) What’s an experience (big or small) that you know changed you forever?

8. What was the moment in you fertility journey that you knew/realized that you weren’t going to get pregnant on your own and needed medical assistance?

9. Why do you blog and what made you start?

10. Biggest Pet Peeve?

My Questions:

1) What is the oddest thing a fertility doctor (OB/RE/Family doc) has ever said to you regarding you fertility or lack there of?

-The doctor was going to listen to my heart but we thought she was going to do something with my lady bits. ”No, Im not listening to your uterus…I’m not a uterus whisperer. I can’t tell it to make a baby!”

2) If you had one wish (other than baby related things – we all have that wish) what would it be?

-Win the lottery(selfish I know): I can get rid of all debt, pay off house, fix house, help family with paying off houses or buying houses….and of course get this baby train going!

3) If you were an animal, what animal would you be?

-A Dolphin. I don’t do well with water. I love the water but with sever Asthma and fear of water, those things don’t work well together!

4) What is ONE moment in your life you will NEVER forget?

-My first kiss with my husband and the feelings that came with it!

5) Is there something you would change about yourself internally? (no physical traits) Why haven’t you?

– My insecurities with myself. That is a battle I struggle with on a daily basis.

6) In your opinion how has the world changed from childhood to now?

-It’s worse from when I was a kid. Spanking wasn’t considered child abuse, kids had respect for adults and themselves, playing outside was the highlight of our lives, technology was spiked with a cd walkman, you earned your keep, and many more things that are different from now to when we were kids. Now, I have responsibilities…the biggest difference from when I was a kid to now!

7) What is your secret pleasure?

-TV (outdoor channel lately because I got a Bow for Christmas so I am getting tips)

8) What is one thing you really want to do but haven’t? Why haven’t you?

-I want to go to college and get a degree. I haven’t done that yet because life gets in the way. Last time I was in school was right before we got married:planning a wedding, school FT, and work FT was very difficult for me. I also learned at that time I can’t do online classes. My plan is to go back this year…depending on our baby situation.

9) When was the last time you laughed? What did you laugh about?

-I was just watching Big Bang Theory…enough said!

10) If tomorrow was the end of the world, what would you do?

-Be with my husband. That’s all I need and my dogs!

Random Question: How do I post pictures of the Awards I have been given on my blog?

8

Lack of Reassurance and Insurance

I called my new insurance company the other day to verify what they do or don’t cover for Infertility. I finally got to a person and asked the question. “What is your coverage on Infertility?” The man on the phone said the things you always hear,”Let me look you up to verify what is covered…SS#, DOB, Name, and whatever other information he asked I willingly gave to get my answers. He finally said,”We cover the testing of Infertility.” I was waiting for more words but nothing. I then asked, “What does that mean?” He said that any testing needed to find out the source of Infertility is covered” My testing is covered, OK Great, but what from there? What about my treatment after this “testing” that is covered? I asked with a fear because I already knew the answer. He didn’t say it for a reason so why even ask but I did. “What about treatment for the testing?” “No, that is not covered” was quickly heard coming from the other end of the phone. I responded with,”Just to make sure if I am tested for my tubes being clogged or Endometriosis and the results come back positive then the treatment for those things to be removed ,or whatever you want to call it, is not covered?” Another quick response,”Correct.” That was it. I am going to call tomorrow just to make sure because I find that odd. At least with my old insurance it covered treatment but new junk doesn’t.

I don’t know what to do. All the Fears are back and the Thankful is slowly dwindling away. I am almost wanting to put a pause to this whole thing(again) simply because of the cost. My dental bills are cut in half right now but I need more work done so those will go up again in no time. I am at a loss. I want to be a mother so bad and I want to have a baby so bad. I think that I am going to still do more research with my husband’s new insurance that would start in March. If that covers more than I will for sure switch to that and move forward with more testing. Even if I don’t move forward with Josh’s insurance that I will do the testing for Endometriosis for my own sanity. I have this gut feeling that is what it is and I’m hoping(and not hoping) that I am right. I think I am almost leaning on that diagnosis just so I have an answer. Infertility because of Endometriosis is better than Unexplained Infertility. We will just have to wait and see.

3

Thankful and Dreamy

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This blog is summed up by one word: Thankful

With December being as rough as it was: death, cycle being completely OUT OF WACK, stress, etc. I wasn’t on here as much as I should have been. Part of that was also because a lot of you wonderful ladies that I follow are pregnant now! I truly am happy for all of you. You have all reached the goal we are all striving for and that is incredible. BUT for the rest of us that are still struggling it can be hard. Hard to come to this blog community that I come to when I need a release from the pregnant and child world that I am stuck in only to find that I am surrounded by it still. I love reading the updates, don’t get me wrong here. It’s so interesting how different each pregnancy is for all of you. It’s wonderful how the body works. I will not Unfollow any of you. Let’s get that out of the way now. I am not going to hide your post either…I don’t know if you can do that but I won’t. I have over 50 Followers now….THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR THAT! I am pretty sure only 2 or 3 of these followers are people who I know and the rest are part of our TTC Universe. I wanted to let you all know that I am truly grateful for all of you. We all connect and understand each other on a deeper level than anyone could ever know. For that I am genuinely grateful. I want to thank A Calm Persistence for sharing more TTC Blogs. That is the best idea and I can’t believe no one else has done it before. I believe that most of the people I follow are ones that I found from others on here but I think more people should do that more often so the TTC group can fill my Reader section as well.

On a separate, positive note I have to share a dream I had right after my grandmother passed(about a week and a half ago). I dream often. I was talking with a girl at work about it and she said she only really dreamed when she is/was pregnant. But I dream all the time. I will go through spurts where I don’t dream for a week or two but normally I dream. Minimum of once a week, Max of about 4 times a week. Like others, I don’t remember the majority of them right after I wake up but this one I did.

It starts with me in a Hospital. I vaguely remember the room: The door was to my left and it was a much smaller room then I am used to seeing in a Hospital. How most have two patients per room and there is a divider; This room was as big as that normally is minus the other bed at second patient. The wall was where the curtain would be. The room was solid white with no pictures or windows. I remember seeing the typical things you would see in a room like that but there where no medical instruments. Just the cabinets. I was laying there by myself feeling very relieved and the world was clear. The bed was comfy with a white knitted blanket, a light blue sheet that was under the blanket and a white fitted sheet. I look to my left and I see a baby. It was a baby girl with her pink and white striped hat, she was wrapped up in a white blanket with blue and pink decals on it. I remember her face. She was a little tiny like she may have been a few weeks early but she was healthy when I saw her. No medical things on her just a normal baby laying there. This baby girl was simply perfect. She looked over at me and smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen. She was such a happy baby. I just remember staring at her with this love that filled my entire body and soul. I had never been so happy in my entire life. I remember then turning my head to the right and Josh being there with me. He too was just staring at her with this wonder and delight that filled the room. After that moment our friends walked in with huge smiles to come visit us and our new baby.

After that things got weird. All my dreams do that. They start out normal then take a freaky turn. There was a killer and a scenery change…BUT we were all ok! =]

Never the less, I HAD A DREAM I HAD A BABY!! I have NEVER had a dream like that my entire TTC journey thus far. How crazy that right before we go to start this up again that I have this dream. I am taking this and using it as a sign of Hope. A sign of Faith. A sign that this year will be positive in every sense of the word. I know that actual dreams don’t come true 98% of the time. I have never had a dream happen….a shark has never jumped out of a tank to tell me it was going to eat my Dad(yea, had that dream before!) I get it but I love that I have something to hold on to this year. That little girls face is in my heart now to help me stay strong this year. That no matter what happens, We Will Have Our Baby.

I am calling the insurance company this week to see what the new insurance will cover and what my husband’s insurance will cover. From there determine if I stay with my insurance or transfer to my husbands in March. From there, I am going to contact my Doctor to get access to the test I have had done so I can show them to another doctor that I want to see to get a second opinion. I know that from what my doctor has told me that my next test is the Endometriosis test. But depending on what the other Doctor says will determine what I need to do from there. Let the journey begin…again!