For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy(I’m sorry that you aren’t living your life to the fullest) there is a couple on the show, Jackson and April that are pregnant. On the last episode we were informed that the baby had a rare birth defect that would cause the baby to maybe only live a few days after it is born, if that. Horrible news for anyone to have to take in. April found out about it and was trying to work all day to keep her mind off what was going on. To help people and have control over some kind of situation. On this episode there was a mom that caused a accident that hurt a lot of people; she drove herself and her kids off a bridge. They found out the mom had a tumor which is what caused her abnormal behavior. But all day April was livid with this mother and what she did to her children. This was April’s breakdown at the end of the episode
You can do everything right and it doesn’t even….
I am sure we have all said that numerous times. To ourselves, to others, or just on here. Just to get it out, just to say the words. WHY? Why us? Why me? I try to understand and comprehend why this is happening to me on almost a daily basis. As a religious person I even say what April says, “why would God let that happen”. I am not saying I am perfect but I am not a bad person. Why can’t we have a baby? Why do we have to struggle with this? I want to understand and I want an explanation for the obstacles that we have to jump through. April, holding her belly and saying Why just crushed me. And as Jackson said, “I don’t know”. It is the worst answer but it is the one that we all hear. There is no one that can answer the question Why so we have to settle for “I don’t know” as the answer to our questions. But the next part is what we all need to remember ,” but whatever you need I am here.” There is always someone. Whether there are multiple someones or just one…remember that. There is nothing wrong with breaking down. I am a person that does that in private or at least I try to. Last week I had a moment in public though and it was difficult.
Josh and I were finally able to go to one of my step daughter’s basketball games. They are Fridays at 6pm and working at a bank doesn’t really make it possible for me to go. This week her game got pushed back so we could go. We walk in and are greeted by my husband’s Ex Wife’s Dad who told us that the other game was almost over so my step daughter was up next. It was crazy in there from a game that was currently going on. Once that game ended we found a seat on the bleachers. Across the gym was where Josh’s Ex was sitting and we didn’t realize that until we sat down. She came over with her 1 year old daughter to give us my step daughters basketball pictures. Her daughter is adorable. While she was chatting with us her daughter laid her head on her moms shoulder. My heart melted. We all know that is probably the one thing that we all want. I was fine at that point, no big deal, just an adorable baby cuddling with her mom. They go back to the other side of the gym to sit with there stuff. After about 15 minutes I look back over to her. I see the baby sit up then fall into her mom and she just held that baby with all her might. I started to tear up. I was so jealous. This woman not only has a child with my husband but has a baby as well. At that point she had everything that I wanted, everything that I have been wanting for the last 2 years and 4 months. I didn’t look at Josh. I avoided eye contact at all cost. After one tear fell I knew I needed to get it together. I didn’t want my step daughter to see me that way, my husband, or his ex wife. So, I took a few deep breaths, focused on the game, and didn’t look at her for the rest of the game.
I am just grateful that weekend is in the past. Keeping the Dream Baby in mind I am happy for this weekend. I am going to a movie with my mom and step dad tomorrow. After that we are having a game night with Em*, her husband, his sister, her husband, and their kids. Then Sunday is the Super Bowl so we are going to a friends house to watch that. AND I got the job!!! YAY! I still have to put in my 2 weeks in but it was nice to start the weekend with great news! I hope everyone has a great weekend.