3

My Second First Doctors Appointment

Today was the day of my Doctor Appointment with the new Doctor. The office looked like every other Doctor’s Office but the sign by the door said Fertility Center. I already felt a little at ease because I was hoping it would only be women in the office in a similar position as us. It wasn’t like when I went to the previous Doctor where there was pregnant woman in there and baby pictures on the wall. There was none of that here which helped me while filling out all the new patient paper work. I wasn’t done with the paper work before I was called to the back by the nurse. She took my weight and brought me into the room. The nurse asked why I was there….we want to have a baby. Then I go into the details of Our Story. She then takes my blood pressure, which was good, then has me finish my paperwork and wait for the doctor.

The doctor came in rather quickly and we were only in the Patient room for a moment before she took me into her office. The Doctor was so adorable. She is probably in her 40’s but looks like she is in her 30’s. She is about 5’6, skinny minny, with chin length curly blackish brown hair that had some grey hairs through it as well. Those grey’s where the only thing that made her look any older. She had very smooth aged porcelain skin, beautiful long eyelashes and very little make up. Not that she needed any. The Doctor has a very natural beauty and a very big smile. I could tell that she was a serious doctor but one that could handle my humor that REALLY turns on when I am nervous. We discussed my problems with the previous doctor: Lack of communication, not on the same page, etc. The Doctor then grabbed a piece of paper and said, ” This is how you make a baby” She drew a stick figured woman but put a big circle to show the lady parts as well as an arrow from the head pointing at the lady parts. The Doctor said that “we need to figure out where the disconnect is in this process. First, the brain tells the body to ovulate, I don’t that there is a problem there because you have had Positive OPK. Then you produce the eggs, the eggs drop, the sperm attaches then that attaches to the wall. These are the parts where we don’t know why you haven’t got pregnant yet.” She said that she wants to do an ultra sound to see whats going on. I said OK and she asked if I was up for that today? I was surprised and then a little confused. I asked very naively, “through the belly ultrasound?” She smiled then shook her head back and forth. “I wasn’t prepared for that…I didn’t prepare for that.” She said that is fine and not to worry at all. She said that doing this will give her a better idea of what I have going on and what path she thinks we should take. I expressed my hesitation but agreed even though I was nervous. I was just expecting a chat, not an ultrasound.

She tells me to empty my bladder then go into the room and (as we have all heard numerous time) undress from the waste down. I get to it. Then nervously wait for her return. She comes into the room and starts a conversation to try to distract me from the lubricant she is applying to the wand she is about to use for the ultrasound. I was very very nervous at that point. I had never had an ultrasound like THAT before. I knew that with this journey, I needed to get used to it! After the initial…..you know….it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Then The Doctor said, ” Your Uterus looks GREAT!” I took that as a compliment but still curiously said Thank you! While she was checking my ovaries there was a little pressure but it wasn’t too bad. The HSG Appt. was much worse. She didn’t say much while looking at my ovaries and then turned the screen for me to look at. She said, ” The uterus looks great, here’s your left ovary full off all those little eggs which is great. It looks exactly like it should(to me it looked like and open Pomegranate). And we go to the right, see how it is all black?” I respond hesitantly, “Yes?” “Well, that is a good thing. That means that you should be ovulating within the next week, right?” and in fact I was supposed to. I was so relieved. I knew the OPK said Yes before but now I have seen it for myself. I was then told to get dressed and go back into her office so we could finish talking.

The Doctor had the ultrasounds printed out. I kind of wanted to take them. I know that there wasn’t a baby but I have always wanted an ultrasound photo with a baby. I didn’t ask, don’t worry. After that we finished out discussion on what the game plan was going to be. The Doctor asked if my previous doctor talked about my glucose level at all. I told her that the previous doctor did say that it was high and pre diabetic but that was it. She said that it was definitely too high. That if it gets any higher than a 6.0 she doesn’t like trying to get people pregnant because of the complications that can happen. That made me heart stop. I don’t know that my levels are at now and then she said she wanted to test my blood again to see where I was at. We will do the blood work today to test my glucose and my thyroid today. Crap! I ate a doughnut and drank Gatorade that morning. I KNOW I KNOW! Worst combination ever and such a horrible idea before a Doctor’s Appointment. Josh and I rarely buy doughnuts and of course I choose to have mine before the appointment. I was so mad at myself. We continued on:

1. Try for this cycle to get  pregnant. After she saw were my ovulation was at for this month she really wants us to try again. I am fine with that, what’s one more month.

2.Josh has to get tested after this ovulation. She said that after this week he has to schedule an appointment. The Doctor also said that the VA should cover it and if they don’t do it there they should cover for Josh to have it done somewhere else. That was a relief.

3. No Surgery for Endo. The Doctor said that it truly looks like I have it but she is not 100% because the only way to check is through the surgery and because I am not having awful symptoms like some do she doesn’t want to do the surgery if she doesn’t have to, which I agree with. Plus, I don’t have the time off to do the surgery so, that works for me.

4. IF this month doesn’t work and Josh’s test come back normal then she thinks the next best step is Clomid with IUI next month. HOLY CRAP! I don’t know what I was expecting, It is the next best step. She said the same thing. The Doctor said that because we have been trying for so long that she thinks this combination is our best chance. She said that since we tried Clomid by itself and it didn’t work she didn’t want to risk just IUI. She obviously mentioned the much higher the odds are of twins which Josh and I are fine with. The next big question:Cost. It is a flat right(like UPS or something) of $482.00 for the wash of his sperm and the Insemination. That obviously doesn’t include the cost of the medications and the doctors appointments for ultrasounds or whatever else they might need from me. I was thinking it will cost around $700 after the bills finally come around.

I felt amazing after the Appointment. I am obviously a little hesitant about the blood results but other than that, cloud 9! We could potentially be pregnant NEXT MONTH! She said to contact her next month if I start my period or if we get pregnant on our own. From there ,if we are not pregnant: we will get the Clomid Prescription(100 mg), take that day 5-9, then people normally ovulate on CD12 (I ovulate late but I don’t think that will stay the same with Clomid) but once I get a positive on the OPK I call the Fertility Center to have the IUI don’t the next day, Josh goes in before me that morning to give his sample, it will be “washed” as in they will separate the good sperm from the bad sperm, and then they do the insemination and I sit on the table for 10 minutes(they are available 7 days a week for insemination).  They said that there is a chance of cramping pain after as well as spotting are common. Two weeks later we test to see if we have a baby. This is happening we are finally in the process of having a baby. I am beyond excited and Josh is too! We bought a bunch of healthier food to try to get this glucose stuff under control as well as continuing going to the gym. We are doing this, we are going to get our family. I just know that we are going to get our baby!

2

Rough Weekend

I guess it is appropriate that I write another post on my one year Anniversary of starting this blog. It’s crazy to think it has been a year. A year of trials and tribulations. A year of numerous babies but none of my own. A year of little solutions. No more of that. This is the year of solutions. It is the year of my dream baby girl. I am holding on to that Babygirl from my Dream. I am very optimistic about 2015. I have received nothing but positive reactions about my Blog. It is a little of a relief to know that I don’t have to repeatedly tell people about what is going on. It’s nice to be able to share feelings that I normally may have difficulties sharing and hope that people will better understand where I am coming from. I am not going to censor myself just because I made this blog public. I am still going to be me. I am still going to be raw with my emotions. This blog will not change. It’s just that now WHEN I get pregnant I won’t be able to announce it on here first like I originally planned to do. Sorry people.

On that note, I started my period on Thursday, after I did my last post. It was a few days early but that is going back to how my cycles were before BC over 6 years ago. They were short, only about 26 days. This was not to bad. I was very busy this weekend from the wedding I was in which meant I didn’t have time to be down on myself about it. I was in a bit of pain on Thursday though. My back kills me as well as my lower abdomen; I become extremely bloated and nauseous almost the entire day of my first full day of my period. It’s awful. I am just glad that it is done as well as this past weekend being done. It was a very very rough weekend.

As I stated, I was in a wedding this past weekend. Friday I left a little early to relax at my Brother’s before the wedding festivities began. I was sick all that morning and a little nervous for the drive down. The ride there was a little over 2 hours and it went smooth. I was relaxing, trying to catch up on my Grey’s Anatomy when my brothers’ cats decided to cuddle up with me. Even though I love animals, I have dogs, and was raised with them I am not a huge fan of cats. I can’t read them and have been bit by a cat before so they kind of freak me out. I was fine with this though. They weren’t too cuddly so it was ok. I realize after a bit that I was itching my arm and as I look down I realize that I have a rash on my forearm were the cat was brushing against me. I jumped off the couch and ran upstairs to take a Benadryl. After taking it I remembered that I had already taken a 24hr Benadryl the night before. I instantly thought, “oh $#@t! what did I just do” Two 24hr Benadryl in about an 18 hour period. I then begin taking pictures of my arm and sending it to my husband, my mother-in-law(a nurse) and a Nurse friend of mine. I don’t take much medicine so I first ask what will those pills do to me. my Mother-in-Law told me that I will just be drowsy but nothing will happen which made me feel a lot better. I left the house and decided to go to the venue early for the Rehearsal. The rehearsal went well and after that we all went to the Rehearsal Dinner. That’s when I started to not feel well. My arms had cleared up but I became extremely bloated and got a massive headache. My allergies have been bugging me all week but for whatever reason they really kicked in. I still don’t understand how because I had 2 Benadryl in me. I tried to eat but everything was making me more nauseous. The Bride asked me to run her to her Apartment and then back to her hotel after the Rehearsal Dinner and by the time we were done I got to my brothers around 10pm. I chatted with them for a bit, verified that the cats where not in the room I would be sleeping in, and went to bed.

I woke up Wedding Day morning feeling a little groggy but overall much better then the day before with no reactions to the cats. I took a shower then went to the hotel. I was the first one to get my makeup done. I only got my foundation done. I knew how to do my eye makeup but because I have very oily skin I wanted foundation that would last all day. I then did my eye make-up and had on of the other girls do my hair. At no fault to her, my hair was not doing what it should. After about an hour and a half as well as two different girls working on my hair it turned out awful. Again, not there fault, my hair was just doing its own thing. After that frustration, I tried to curl it and it wouldn’t hold curls so I just gave up. We were all eating lunch and the worst thing that could happen did happen. A girl accidentally spilt orange juice on my bridesmaids dress that was hanging up……….the Matron of Honor hangs the dress up in the bedroom and directs me to grab damp towels to try to absorb some juice. It was a Navy Blue Convertible Dress like these(not us): dresses

After patting it with damp towels, contacting a few dry cleaners, putting the dress in the shower, using 3 hair dryers on the dress, and about 40 minutes later the dress was still stained. There was nothing we could do. The girl that spilled the juice felt horrible. She was more upset then I was. I wasn’t mad at her in any way. I was just frustrated that so much was going wrong. It was time for us to get dress and I was the only one that couldn’t remember how to wrap my dress so I was having difficulties with it all day. We take a pictures inside then head outside to take some. It was close to 90 in Ohio on Saturday. At one point in time we were all sitting down on stairs that lead to a building where the bride and groom where taking photos. I told everyone to be careful of bird poop then one of the girls in the wedding party that I wasn’t a fan of, to say the least decided to make a comment. “Tiffany, with your dress does it really matter?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME! It upset me that she said that not because of my awful day but because of the girl that spilled the drink. She already felt horrible and had said she wished it was her dress. Why would you say something like that because it only makes her feel worse. By the end of the pictures my hair had no curl and my make up I paid for was gone. We finally get to the venue to relax before the ceremony. I drank about 3 bottles of water and a Sprite then ran to the bathroom to freshen up. I pulled my bangs back to see a massive heat rash all across my forehead and going down the side of my face. I was mortified. The girl that spilled the juice was in the bathroom with me and I just let it out. I ranted about how awful everything had going to me. I emphasized that I wasn’t mad at her at all, which I wasn’t. It was just one thing after another that was ruining m weekend. I said, ” Every wedding has a bridesmaid that everything goes wrong for…and it was me for this one.” After a little more venting we waited with the rest of the group for the ceremony to begin.

The wedding was beautiful. I wish that my wedding was as amazing as hers. The ceremony was not traditional and catered to this couple with a reading from a book and a knot ceremony because they are rock climbers. By far one of the most unique weddings I have ever been too. I LOVED IT! Even with broken shoes I made it through and was grateful for the reception to begin. The bride warned me that they were going to thank the moms and I thought I was prepared for that but I wasn’t. I cried. I just tried to not let the Bride see me and I don’t think she did. I think that I would have been ok if all of the previous things didn’t occur. After ALL of that I was just thinking, “Get this food to me so I can dance this all away.” We eat and I decide that I need to call Josh. He didn’t come with me because it would have been too expensive to board the dog and get their shots updated. Once I call him and talk to him for the first time the whole weekend, I broke down. I tried to hide it and I don’t think that he noticed. I didn’t want the first and probably only time we talked to be sad. It was amazing to hear his voice. It gave me that boost to go have fun. So, I did. I danced and danced and danced. After a few hours I realized I was itching my arm. I look down to find both my arms full of a heat rash. AGAIN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I was done at that point. I went outside for a bit but then left shortly after. I showered that night at my brother’s and left first thing in the morning without saying goodbye. I had no desire to talk to anyone.

I get home to my wonderful husband who got me three Pandora Charms for Mother’s Day. I get ready and we go out to eat then to random stores to simply spend time together. Everything was going great until I got sick. My stomach started to hurt and we went home. I am grateful that I didn’t start on Mother’s Day though. That would have killed me. I can’t begin to emphaize how grateful I was to be home and done with this weekend. Mother’s Day is over, the wedding is over, and now time to focus on work and my new Doctor Appointment on Monday. I just need to get through the next six days. Tonight ends on a good note CAVS WON!!!!! Six more days people. Six more days!

2

Updates and Public Posting

I have accomplished a lot over the last month. I got it together.

I contacted my Insurance that I have through my new job. To sum it up. I have a high deductible HSA Account which means that I have to pay out of pocket for everything or with my Health Saving Account until i hit my deductible. Infertility is not covered….except the usual diagnosis and treatment. As in, if I have Endo, the diagnosis of that and the treatment of the Endo is covered. BUT not anything that will help us get pregnant: meds, appointments, nothing. Great!

I started going to the gym again. It has been a slow process but I am back. I feel so good after I go which makes me excited to continue.

I also decided to get a second opinion and see a different doctor. I believe that there was a lot of miscommunication with my first RE. That made me uneasy to continue the process with her. I know a friend that is seeing her with no problems. I spoke with 2 separate friends about this. The first friend is seeing an RE at the same facility that I have been going to: it’s just a different RE. Lynn* is the other friends I have been speaking with who is seeing a RE at a completely different facility then what I was at now. Lynn’s* process with this doctor has been awesome which makes me very optimistic about her. I set up at Appointment with this doctor for May 18th.

I also started spotting today; VERY VERY Lightly. Barely anything. but it started. I am not supposed to start until Sunday…Mother’s Day. Yea, thats happening. I am spotting 5 days early. I am trying to tell myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is implantation. At the same time I am telling myself, “Don’t get your hopes up!” I also woke up extremely nauseous. All day, all I have been thinking about is this spotting. This is the worst part of the journey. The uncertainties. I haven’t started yet but there is a little brown. Which could be me starting OR it could be me getting pregnant. I am not taking a test until a week after I am supposed to start. So I will test on May 17tth or May 16th. The latest my period has been before is 3 days. I am hoping that IF I am not pregnant that it comes on Sunday or the day after. Obviously I don’t want to start on Mother’s Day but I just want consistency, which is not an option with TTC.

I also posted a lot on my Facebook and Instagram during National Infertility Week. I posted ecards, links about infertility, or quotes about what Infertility and how this effects us emotionally. With that I was essentially making it known that Josh and I were struggling with this disease. I posted everyday during that week, sometimes multiple posts. I also got an overwhelming amount of positive feedback from people. Every post got so many “Likes” as well as positive comments. I also received five different messages and two different text of people giving us well wishes, sending prayers, letting me know they are there for us, or asking me questions about what I have been going through. I was elated. I knew there was a reason that I decided to open up about infertility. I knew that when I started aggressively posting things that it was going to draw attention to me but I was prepared for that and for negativity. And it didn’t happen. Lynn* also publicly posted her blog on Facebook. I was so surprised. I thought she was so strong for being able to post something so personal. It made me want to post mine. I was intimidated to post something so personal, it made me very vulnerable, and couldn’t believe that she posted hers. To explain a little, her blog is mostly medical. It does have some emotional aspects to it but not as much venting as mine does. I took some time to myself to read over my blog again. I examined it, walked away for a bit, examined it again, and did some editing. I didn’t do a lot of editing but there were some things about others that I took out. It was not my place to put other people business out there. The people that I do talk about I asked them to read it to verify that it was ok I posted it. I decided to post it to Facebook. After reading this I think that it will be on there. I spoke with my husband about it and all he said was, “Does it have all our sex stuff on it?” which means that he is OK with it. I know that there will be people that feel negatively about this and will have their opinions. As all of us know, we deal with this all the time. I can handle that and accept that I am opening myself up to it even more by posting this. BUT I also know that by opening up about our struggles and showing the raw emotions I feel that it can potentially help others. Others that feel alone, experience the Taboo of Infertility, or don’t have anyone to talk to about this   disease. So, here it goes. Things are getting real; Get ready because I am in it to win it! Time to get this baby train going.