2

Trying this Patience Thing

The plan has changed again but don’t worry, it is still full of waiting.

Last month Josh was taking his thyroid medicine but he said that he was not feeling any different from it. He said he was still tired, extremely tired and his appetite had not changed much either. I was bugging him a lot about getting tested early to see if this dosage of meds was making a difference. Josh was reluctant. He kept telling me that the doctor wanted him to wait the full 90 days so that is what he is going to do. I tried to be supportive but in my mind we were wasting time when Josh knew it wasn’t making a difference at all. I finally told Josh that I am not trying to nag him or pressure him to go against the doctors wishes. BUT at the same time, the sooner he gets his dosage correct, the sooner we can do the IUI. I said, “what is the harm in calling to ask….the worst that will happen is they tell you to wait the full 90 days.” He understood where I was coming from and made the call. The doctor agreed to a blood test to see where he was at to then determine if he should up the dosage. GREAT…we are moving this along. Josh does the blood test and he says that they didn’t give him a number but that they were upping the dosage again. The beginning of August he started taking the new dosage.

A friend of mine started Clomid last month and just did her second round. Another friend of mine unfortunately just had her second failed IVF cycle and is in the process of figuring out what they will do next. On top of all the babies showing up on my news feed as well as pregnancy chatter, not a lot of pregnancy announcements (for now). There is so much going on with everyone else but we are just sitting here, waiting. I have been avoiding coming on her because I didn’t want to see other people making progress and me…waiting. Selfish, I know. Honestly, I didn’t even want to type today but I needed to get this off my chest. I talked to Josh tonight. He informed me that with this dosage he has to do the full 90 day cycle. I believe that he told me that before but I think that I was being stubborn and selfish trying to get the dosage upped anytime he wasn’t feeling different from the meds. With that, if everything fell in our best interest, in November we could do IUI…MAYBE October but doubtful. I was enraged hearing this. I was asking him what his thoughts were on the situation. We talked about doing another analysis but that is only going to be covered so many times through the VA. Josh informed me that the VA is not like a Hospital, its more like Health Assistance. They aren’t going to do these analysis over and over again(like an infertility clinic would) for infertility unless it is for some sort of preventative care. Which means no more Semen Analysis until we are sure that we will do the IUI because the meds are making a real difference with Josh’s thyroid. Josh said that he has been doing research(I love him) about improving Motility and Sperm Count. He was talking about how there are different foods he can eat, vitamins, and about 10-15 other things that we can do to improve his boys. It was nice for him to show the initiative. I told him that it is so unnerving because neither of us can do a lot to get this going again. I feel like the last year of testing was a waste because we are going back to using Pre-Seed, using OPK’s, planning sex, using the app to track ovulation more and when my period should start, and all the other weird things we did to try to get us pregnant. Doing all of these things with the uncertainty of if it is even worth it. What if we are doing all of that just to find out that Josh’s count barely improved and he needs to up his thyroid medicine again. Which means we wasted all that time, money, and energy just to do it all over again for another 90 days, another three months. I’m not saying sex with my husband is a waste of time but when it is planned sex, it is difficult to keep that fun, that is the energy that I am talking about being wasted. With that being said Josh was excited for this. He was happy that for the next few month it will be all us and no doctors help. He isn’t enthusiastic about us potentially needing doctors to have a baby so anytime we don’t have to use doctor’s he is happy. I wanted to cry. I am over waiting. We started see all the doctors to have a baby and now we are waiting with no doctors until the end of October. I think that I am overly upset about this because we will be passing the three-year mark in September. Three years of TTC with no baby. I am going to allow myself to be sad for a bit. I need to just process this and move past it.

The updated plan is that Josh will hopefully get a CPAP Machine soon, yes, he has that going for him as well. I am hoping that makes a difference on top of the meds. I don’t know if it will but anything to improve his overall health I am down with. I am thinking that in October he can schedule a Semen Analysis depending on how he is feeling. If he still doesn’t feel any better with this med cycle then we will not schedule one. We will schedule his blood test to see if the thyroid medicine needs to be tweaked again. Next paycheck Josh will buy whatever he thinks can improve his motility and count. Next Ovulation(end of August, beginning of September) we will go back to tracking and planning to see what happens. Trying to be optimistic but its tiresome when you feel like you are taking two steps forward only to find out you are actually taking three steps back.

images

3

The Results Are In

This entry is about 2 weeks overdue. I was never able to find the words to type this. I finally decided to do it tonight but due to me waiting so long to type it I don’t remember everything that was said between Josh and myself during our discussions. I apologize but I will do my best.

We got the results of Josh’s Semen Analysis. First, Josh got the results from the guys at the VA. Josh got the call while he was at work. They told him the number, 6.8 Million, and Josh’s response was, ” What does that mean?”  Josh was told by the Nurse on the phone that his number is low and the motility was low as well. The guy said that the paper says that “the average is 40 million and your number is 6.8 which means that it is low.” I was in the car driving home when Josh told me. He didn’t give me any hint as to how he was feeling. Josh had to get off the phone because he was at work which meant I had my hour car ride home to think this over. I was in shock. This wasn’t the plan. It’s supposed to be me. I am supposed to have to suffer through the doctors appointments and test, not him. I got home and went right to the computer to look up what might happen next.

I go to the Mayo Clinic Site because I noticed it is the most user-friendly. First thing I see are potential causes: Infections, Veins that are swelled, Antibodies that attack Sperm, Tumors, Unbalanced Hormones, certain medications, Chromosome defects, etc. Josh was on some narcotics after his car accident when he was in the Navy. He was on these for about 5 years because he has 7 herniated discs in his back, this could be one reason. We recently found out about Josh’s thyroid issues, this could be a reason. Who knows….all of this is running through my brain. Then I go to the treatment: Ultrasounds (Scrotal and/or Transrectal), Hormone or Genetic Testing, Testicular Biopsy, etc. OH MY GOODNESS! He didn’t sign up for this. Is he going to still want to do this? I stopped looking because I didn’t want Josh seeing me doing this research and I needed a break.

Josh came home and I was trying to talk to him about the information we received. He was making jokes. It was very frustrating because I wanted to know how he felt. I didn’t want to force the feelings out but I wanted to know how he was taking all this. I would think about this all the time, waiting for results and expecting the worst, wondering what Josh would think if we couldn’t have children because of me. Now, I am not saying we can’t have kids but now it is on him, not me, and I don’t know what is going on in his head. I went into the bedroom to lay down. I couldn’t figure out how I was feeling. Very random but I was just full of emotions and no understanding of them. Josh came in the bedroom and asked what was wrong? I told him that I was frustrated he wouldn’t tell me how he was feeling and I was worried what was going on with him. He said that he was fine. That he was happy that we finally had a direction of what we needed to do next. I respond with “….that’s it?” he was always confused with this(every time I asked, which was multiple time) because he is Spock, a robot, an emotionless bag of bones. It was driving me crazy that all he was saying was that he was happy that we were on track and then he asked how I was feeling. That’s when it hit the fan. I DON’T KNOW. I’m agitated, elated, heartbroken, relieved, I don’t know. Yes, we have a path. Instead of receiving bad news we would just get news: Clomid didn’t work, HSG was negative, blood work was fine. This was bad news that wasn’t mine. It was Josh’s bad news. I was mad that we didn’t get him tested sooner. I was irritated that we put it off so many times because we thought it was him, that it could never be him. I had a small sense of ease that I could get a break from all the appointments and test. I was devastated that this turned into Josh’s doctor appointments and test. That he was going to have to be poked and prodded. I was prepared to do that and that he wouldn’t have to, he shouldn’t have to. I am devastated with that. He said that everything is ok. That he was doing research too and he was ok with all of it. Josh said that he wants a baby and he will do what he has to so we can have our baby. What a relief. We talked for a bit about it and I felt a lot better. Once the tension subsided I was able to joke with him, “You are a ROBOT, that’s why the sperm is low, you aren’t supposed to have any…AHHH!!!” It lightened the moment and ended that conversation on a positive note. A few days later we continued this conversation and also talked about Adoption. It is nice that he is open to that and I am too. It is our last resort because we want to exhaust out options to have a biological child but just knowing we are on the same page is great to hear.

The next step was to fax the results to my Doctor. After phone tag for a few days I was finally able to talk to her. My Doctor said that Josh’s number was almost 7 Million and she wants to see at least 15 Million. Also, that his Motility was at 27% and she wants to see at least 40%. With these results she wants to re-test him to verify these results are correct. I then informed her about his thyroid and she let out an “Ooohhhhh!” that was such a relief to me. This was not a weary oh. It was a hearty, enlighten oh. She seemed very optimistic with hearing about this new development she wasn’t aware of. The Doctor asked when Josh was going to be tested again and I told her it was August. The Doctor said to contact her in August with his result and we will figure out our next step in August or September.

Wait…..wait……waiting. I know it is a little unrealistic but after the first appointment with the Doctor I was thinking I would be starting with the IUI process in August. Not waiting for results and then starting a plan. I know it is still a possibility but if his numbers don’t improve I don’t know what the next step is and that is nerve-wrecking. I really hope that his numbers improve and we move forward with IUI soon. IUI was our next step but it is also the next step for us with Josh’s diagnosis. IUI is the best bet when dealing with male infertility.

September will mark 3 years of our TTC adventure. I am trying to stay positive because IUI is still a possibility to be done that month. Two years sounded reasonable to me but THREE sounds like a long time. I have been feeling very indifferent now. Some days I feel down on myself with little to no motivation to do anything. Other days I am my normal happy go lucky self. I don’t know if the lack of knowing is causing this or if it is stress from work, life, or whatever else. With that being said I have been listening to a lot of Christian music. I consider myself a religious person but not an organized religion kind of person(if that makes sense). I don’t go to church or read the Bible often. I used to do both of those regularly(church camps, youth nights, every sunday, the whole nine yards) but as an adult there are many things that I don’t agree with or don’t understand; for that reason I struggle with finding a church to go to because I want to believe in everything they teach. Not just bits an pieces. Regardless, I believe in God and I have Faith. I have faith in our situation and that things will work out for us. Whatever that means, we will find out soon enough, but I have faith none the less. I have not been doubting my Faith but I have been needing a reminder of it. I found a song that I feel we can all relate to with the constant battle of doubt. Doubting if we should keep going when TTC.

I know that the song is about God but for me that is not the only thing it is about. It is about our baby and the idea of our baby. Sometimes when struggling with TTC all you can do is hold on to the idea of the family you will get in the end. But there are times when you think that it might not happen. “When its hard to believe in you”. Then there is a reminder, “If only i could fight just a little longer I know it’s gonna make me stronger. I just keep holding on to what I believe. oh, I believe in you” This song has been my little reminder when The Waiting gets to me. When I forget about that Dream that I had. I have been listening to it everyday, multiple times a day. Don’t forget why we do this people. There is hope! Keep the Faith. Even if you aren’t religious have Faith that you will get the family you desire and dream for.

I will be back in August with an update from Josh’s Thyroid appointment and if any of you have advice on this side of Infertility we would appreciate it. This is a new battle that we weren’t expecting but Josh and I are ready for anything.

0

Josh’s Doctor Appointment

First of all, I did start my period. I started a few days earlier which makes me believe that I am getting back to how my cycles where before BC. It used to be that my cycle would end where my last one started. My Cycles where/are turning into (mostly)25 or 26 day cycles and my periods are lasting longer like they used to. My periods where only 3 days and are becoming longer like before. My Cycles used to be 5-7 days and right now they are 4-5 days. That just started up again over the last few months. It only took 2 and a half years for my body to get back to what it was almost 7 years ago.

Josh has been very busy the last week or so. He had his first appointment at the VA. He started with the VA a while ago but never wanted to do the beginning doctors appointment, he’s not a fan of doctors and hospitals. He was in an accident while in the Navy that caused his back injury which means he needs to get these check up to make sure nothing else is going wrong with him. Also, the VA offers a lot to Vets and I wanted him to go for the simple fact that there are probably benefits that will really help him that other places might not look for. I was excited that he was finally going to the doctors. I wasn’t there but it sounds like it was basically a physical and check up on steroids!  The doctor did a urine and blood test, they are setting him up with a Nutritionist, a Physical Therapist, they want to do a sleep study, he’s getting a machine for his back(I think a TENS unit), and the doctor was going to ask about the semen analysis.  WHAT! That is not what I was expecting: Josh has but on a little weight which is what the Nutritionist is for, the Physical Therapist and the TENS unit is for is for his back, obviously basic blood work and urine sample, we were waiting to hear back on the semen analysis for the Infertility stuff, and the sleep study. I have thought, FOR THE LONGEST TIME, that Josh has Sleep Apnea. He holds his breath for about 10-15 seconds while sleeping and he snores very loud. He told the doctor that and the doctor said that they need to set up a sleep study. I was overwhelmed with all the information but happy that Josh is getting himself taken care of.

We got the results back from the Blood Test and everything was great except his Thyroid. The doctor said that the highest “normal” level is a 5 and Josh’s was at a 17. The doctor said that this explains the weight gain because his thyroid wasn’t really telling his metabolism to work. But this could also cause other issues. He will start medication soon but I am just hoping it had nothing to do with his sperm. If it did affect it maybe the medication will fix that. Or if it did and the medication doesn’t then we will cross that bridge if/when we get to it.

We heard back from the doctor, Josh will be meeting with the Physical Therapist, Nutritionist, meeting the doctor for the sleep study in about 2 weeks, and we were able to get the Semen Analysis done at the VA…TODAY! We found out on Tuesday that the appointment was able to be done today, no time to update the Blog since then. (Josh is asleep so there won’t be too much detail for this because I don’t know what he is OK with me sharing.) We were late first of all, then REALLY late because the VA near us is a huge maze. Once we finally get where we need to be they step into the hall and give Josh his cup. The nurse then takes us through a door and she opens another door for Josh to go “do his thing” in this room. Only it wasn’t a room, it was a bathroom. I was not a fan of that. I thought it would be a room with a bed or a chair, maybe some “magazines” or a TV…something. AND it was hot in there which I thought was weird too. Wouldn’t you want the guy to be a little more comfortable for this awkward thing that he has to do. But what do I know? Then they taped a “Do Not Disturb” sign to the door that automatically locked after you shut the door. Once Josh was done he walked out of the second door and a gentlemen met him at a different door to take the sample. Josh was very uncomfortable with the whole thing. He didn’t like having to do that, walking out of the bathroom and everyone knowing what he just did, handing over his sample to this random guy(to quote Josh) “hey man nice shirt, here’s my sperm” , waiting for the results, and potentially having to do it all over again. He said, “unless we do it ourselves” I told him that “it has been 2 years and 9 months of doing it ourselves. I don’t see that happening, you are probably going to have to do it again. “All I could do was thank him for doing this for us. I told him that I know he didn’t expect to have to do something like this in order to have a second child with his future wife. Luckily, he said for me not to worry because he isn’t backing out of having a baby. That made me feel a small sense of relief. I know that this sucks, to be blunt, but at least I know that he is in this with me. I don’t know how long it will be to get the results of the test. We didn’t really want to stick around to ask.

THE PLAN: We are going to wait to hear the results of the Semen Analysis. If it comes back bad, we will address that and go from there. If that comes back good we are going to wait a month(maybe two) to start IUI. I have been going to the gym and eating better. Josh also wants to have his medicine in his system for a bit to help him as well. We think that a month or two should be enough to get us both to a better, healthy state. July or maybe August we will get our first IUI done. I know, we are waiting, again. But my doctor said to get my weight and diet under control and I am taking that seriously, for mine and the future fetus’ sake.

Plan is in place. All systems go….once we wait….again….to get these results. Then all systems go!

3

My Second First Doctors Appointment

Today was the day of my Doctor Appointment with the new Doctor. The office looked like every other Doctor’s Office but the sign by the door said Fertility Center. I already felt a little at ease because I was hoping it would only be women in the office in a similar position as us. It wasn’t like when I went to the previous Doctor where there was pregnant woman in there and baby pictures on the wall. There was none of that here which helped me while filling out all the new patient paper work. I wasn’t done with the paper work before I was called to the back by the nurse. She took my weight and brought me into the room. The nurse asked why I was there….we want to have a baby. Then I go into the details of Our Story. She then takes my blood pressure, which was good, then has me finish my paperwork and wait for the doctor.

The doctor came in rather quickly and we were only in the Patient room for a moment before she took me into her office. The Doctor was so adorable. She is probably in her 40’s but looks like she is in her 30’s. She is about 5’6, skinny minny, with chin length curly blackish brown hair that had some grey hairs through it as well. Those grey’s where the only thing that made her look any older. She had very smooth aged porcelain skin, beautiful long eyelashes and very little make up. Not that she needed any. The Doctor has a very natural beauty and a very big smile. I could tell that she was a serious doctor but one that could handle my humor that REALLY turns on when I am nervous. We discussed my problems with the previous doctor: Lack of communication, not on the same page, etc. The Doctor then grabbed a piece of paper and said, ” This is how you make a baby” She drew a stick figured woman but put a big circle to show the lady parts as well as an arrow from the head pointing at the lady parts. The Doctor said that “we need to figure out where the disconnect is in this process. First, the brain tells the body to ovulate, I don’t that there is a problem there because you have had Positive OPK. Then you produce the eggs, the eggs drop, the sperm attaches then that attaches to the wall. These are the parts where we don’t know why you haven’t got pregnant yet.” She said that she wants to do an ultra sound to see whats going on. I said OK and she asked if I was up for that today? I was surprised and then a little confused. I asked very naively, “through the belly ultrasound?” She smiled then shook her head back and forth. “I wasn’t prepared for that…I didn’t prepare for that.” She said that is fine and not to worry at all. She said that doing this will give her a better idea of what I have going on and what path she thinks we should take. I expressed my hesitation but agreed even though I was nervous. I was just expecting a chat, not an ultrasound.

She tells me to empty my bladder then go into the room and (as we have all heard numerous time) undress from the waste down. I get to it. Then nervously wait for her return. She comes into the room and starts a conversation to try to distract me from the lubricant she is applying to the wand she is about to use for the ultrasound. I was very very nervous at that point. I had never had an ultrasound like THAT before. I knew that with this journey, I needed to get used to it! After the initial…..you know….it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Then The Doctor said, ” Your Uterus looks GREAT!” I took that as a compliment but still curiously said Thank you! While she was checking my ovaries there was a little pressure but it wasn’t too bad. The HSG Appt. was much worse. She didn’t say much while looking at my ovaries and then turned the screen for me to look at. She said, ” The uterus looks great, here’s your left ovary full off all those little eggs which is great. It looks exactly like it should(to me it looked like and open Pomegranate). And we go to the right, see how it is all black?” I respond hesitantly, “Yes?” “Well, that is a good thing. That means that you should be ovulating within the next week, right?” and in fact I was supposed to. I was so relieved. I knew the OPK said Yes before but now I have seen it for myself. I was then told to get dressed and go back into her office so we could finish talking.

The Doctor had the ultrasounds printed out. I kind of wanted to take them. I know that there wasn’t a baby but I have always wanted an ultrasound photo with a baby. I didn’t ask, don’t worry. After that we finished out discussion on what the game plan was going to be. The Doctor asked if my previous doctor talked about my glucose level at all. I told her that the previous doctor did say that it was high and pre diabetic but that was it. She said that it was definitely too high. That if it gets any higher than a 6.0 she doesn’t like trying to get people pregnant because of the complications that can happen. That made me heart stop. I don’t know that my levels are at now and then she said she wanted to test my blood again to see where I was at. We will do the blood work today to test my glucose and my thyroid today. Crap! I ate a doughnut and drank Gatorade that morning. I KNOW I KNOW! Worst combination ever and such a horrible idea before a Doctor’s Appointment. Josh and I rarely buy doughnuts and of course I choose to have mine before the appointment. I was so mad at myself. We continued on:

1. Try for this cycle to get  pregnant. After she saw were my ovulation was at for this month she really wants us to try again. I am fine with that, what’s one more month.

2.Josh has to get tested after this ovulation. She said that after this week he has to schedule an appointment. The Doctor also said that the VA should cover it and if they don’t do it there they should cover for Josh to have it done somewhere else. That was a relief.

3. No Surgery for Endo. The Doctor said that it truly looks like I have it but she is not 100% because the only way to check is through the surgery and because I am not having awful symptoms like some do she doesn’t want to do the surgery if she doesn’t have to, which I agree with. Plus, I don’t have the time off to do the surgery so, that works for me.

4. IF this month doesn’t work and Josh’s test come back normal then she thinks the next best step is Clomid with IUI next month. HOLY CRAP! I don’t know what I was expecting, It is the next best step. She said the same thing. The Doctor said that because we have been trying for so long that she thinks this combination is our best chance. She said that since we tried Clomid by itself and it didn’t work she didn’t want to risk just IUI. She obviously mentioned the much higher the odds are of twins which Josh and I are fine with. The next big question:Cost. It is a flat right(like UPS or something) of $482.00 for the wash of his sperm and the Insemination. That obviously doesn’t include the cost of the medications and the doctors appointments for ultrasounds or whatever else they might need from me. I was thinking it will cost around $700 after the bills finally come around.

I felt amazing after the Appointment. I am obviously a little hesitant about the blood results but other than that, cloud 9! We could potentially be pregnant NEXT MONTH! She said to contact her next month if I start my period or if we get pregnant on our own. From there ,if we are not pregnant: we will get the Clomid Prescription(100 mg), take that day 5-9, then people normally ovulate on CD12 (I ovulate late but I don’t think that will stay the same with Clomid) but once I get a positive on the OPK I call the Fertility Center to have the IUI don’t the next day, Josh goes in before me that morning to give his sample, it will be “washed” as in they will separate the good sperm from the bad sperm, and then they do the insemination and I sit on the table for 10 minutes(they are available 7 days a week for insemination).  They said that there is a chance of cramping pain after as well as spotting are common. Two weeks later we test to see if we have a baby. This is happening we are finally in the process of having a baby. I am beyond excited and Josh is too! We bought a bunch of healthier food to try to get this glucose stuff under control as well as continuing going to the gym. We are doing this, we are going to get our family. I just know that we are going to get our baby!

2

Rough Weekend

I guess it is appropriate that I write another post on my one year Anniversary of starting this blog. It’s crazy to think it has been a year. A year of trials and tribulations. A year of numerous babies but none of my own. A year of little solutions. No more of that. This is the year of solutions. It is the year of my dream baby girl. I am holding on to that Babygirl from my Dream. I am very optimistic about 2015. I have received nothing but positive reactions about my Blog. It is a little of a relief to know that I don’t have to repeatedly tell people about what is going on. It’s nice to be able to share feelings that I normally may have difficulties sharing and hope that people will better understand where I am coming from. I am not going to censor myself just because I made this blog public. I am still going to be me. I am still going to be raw with my emotions. This blog will not change. It’s just that now WHEN I get pregnant I won’t be able to announce it on here first like I originally planned to do. Sorry people.

On that note, I started my period on Thursday, after I did my last post. It was a few days early but that is going back to how my cycles were before BC over 6 years ago. They were short, only about 26 days. This was not to bad. I was very busy this weekend from the wedding I was in which meant I didn’t have time to be down on myself about it. I was in a bit of pain on Thursday though. My back kills me as well as my lower abdomen; I become extremely bloated and nauseous almost the entire day of my first full day of my period. It’s awful. I am just glad that it is done as well as this past weekend being done. It was a very very rough weekend.

As I stated, I was in a wedding this past weekend. Friday I left a little early to relax at my Brother’s before the wedding festivities began. I was sick all that morning and a little nervous for the drive down. The ride there was a little over 2 hours and it went smooth. I was relaxing, trying to catch up on my Grey’s Anatomy when my brothers’ cats decided to cuddle up with me. Even though I love animals, I have dogs, and was raised with them I am not a huge fan of cats. I can’t read them and have been bit by a cat before so they kind of freak me out. I was fine with this though. They weren’t too cuddly so it was ok. I realize after a bit that I was itching my arm and as I look down I realize that I have a rash on my forearm were the cat was brushing against me. I jumped off the couch and ran upstairs to take a Benadryl. After taking it I remembered that I had already taken a 24hr Benadryl the night before. I instantly thought, “oh $#@t! what did I just do” Two 24hr Benadryl in about an 18 hour period. I then begin taking pictures of my arm and sending it to my husband, my mother-in-law(a nurse) and a Nurse friend of mine. I don’t take much medicine so I first ask what will those pills do to me. my Mother-in-Law told me that I will just be drowsy but nothing will happen which made me feel a lot better. I left the house and decided to go to the venue early for the Rehearsal. The rehearsal went well and after that we all went to the Rehearsal Dinner. That’s when I started to not feel well. My arms had cleared up but I became extremely bloated and got a massive headache. My allergies have been bugging me all week but for whatever reason they really kicked in. I still don’t understand how because I had 2 Benadryl in me. I tried to eat but everything was making me more nauseous. The Bride asked me to run her to her Apartment and then back to her hotel after the Rehearsal Dinner and by the time we were done I got to my brothers around 10pm. I chatted with them for a bit, verified that the cats where not in the room I would be sleeping in, and went to bed.

I woke up Wedding Day morning feeling a little groggy but overall much better then the day before with no reactions to the cats. I took a shower then went to the hotel. I was the first one to get my makeup done. I only got my foundation done. I knew how to do my eye makeup but because I have very oily skin I wanted foundation that would last all day. I then did my eye make-up and had on of the other girls do my hair. At no fault to her, my hair was not doing what it should. After about an hour and a half as well as two different girls working on my hair it turned out awful. Again, not there fault, my hair was just doing its own thing. After that frustration, I tried to curl it and it wouldn’t hold curls so I just gave up. We were all eating lunch and the worst thing that could happen did happen. A girl accidentally spilt orange juice on my bridesmaids dress that was hanging up……….the Matron of Honor hangs the dress up in the bedroom and directs me to grab damp towels to try to absorb some juice. It was a Navy Blue Convertible Dress like these(not us): dresses

After patting it with damp towels, contacting a few dry cleaners, putting the dress in the shower, using 3 hair dryers on the dress, and about 40 minutes later the dress was still stained. There was nothing we could do. The girl that spilled the juice felt horrible. She was more upset then I was. I wasn’t mad at her in any way. I was just frustrated that so much was going wrong. It was time for us to get dress and I was the only one that couldn’t remember how to wrap my dress so I was having difficulties with it all day. We take a pictures inside then head outside to take some. It was close to 90 in Ohio on Saturday. At one point in time we were all sitting down on stairs that lead to a building where the bride and groom where taking photos. I told everyone to be careful of bird poop then one of the girls in the wedding party that I wasn’t a fan of, to say the least decided to make a comment. “Tiffany, with your dress does it really matter?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME! It upset me that she said that not because of my awful day but because of the girl that spilled the drink. She already felt horrible and had said she wished it was her dress. Why would you say something like that because it only makes her feel worse. By the end of the pictures my hair had no curl and my make up I paid for was gone. We finally get to the venue to relax before the ceremony. I drank about 3 bottles of water and a Sprite then ran to the bathroom to freshen up. I pulled my bangs back to see a massive heat rash all across my forehead and going down the side of my face. I was mortified. The girl that spilled the juice was in the bathroom with me and I just let it out. I ranted about how awful everything had going to me. I emphasized that I wasn’t mad at her at all, which I wasn’t. It was just one thing after another that was ruining m weekend. I said, ” Every wedding has a bridesmaid that everything goes wrong for…and it was me for this one.” After a little more venting we waited with the rest of the group for the ceremony to begin.

The wedding was beautiful. I wish that my wedding was as amazing as hers. The ceremony was not traditional and catered to this couple with a reading from a book and a knot ceremony because they are rock climbers. By far one of the most unique weddings I have ever been too. I LOVED IT! Even with broken shoes I made it through and was grateful for the reception to begin. The bride warned me that they were going to thank the moms and I thought I was prepared for that but I wasn’t. I cried. I just tried to not let the Bride see me and I don’t think she did. I think that I would have been ok if all of the previous things didn’t occur. After ALL of that I was just thinking, “Get this food to me so I can dance this all away.” We eat and I decide that I need to call Josh. He didn’t come with me because it would have been too expensive to board the dog and get their shots updated. Once I call him and talk to him for the first time the whole weekend, I broke down. I tried to hide it and I don’t think that he noticed. I didn’t want the first and probably only time we talked to be sad. It was amazing to hear his voice. It gave me that boost to go have fun. So, I did. I danced and danced and danced. After a few hours I realized I was itching my arm. I look down to find both my arms full of a heat rash. AGAIN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I was done at that point. I went outside for a bit but then left shortly after. I showered that night at my brother’s and left first thing in the morning without saying goodbye. I had no desire to talk to anyone.

I get home to my wonderful husband who got me three Pandora Charms for Mother’s Day. I get ready and we go out to eat then to random stores to simply spend time together. Everything was going great until I got sick. My stomach started to hurt and we went home. I am grateful that I didn’t start on Mother’s Day though. That would have killed me. I can’t begin to emphaize how grateful I was to be home and done with this weekend. Mother’s Day is over, the wedding is over, and now time to focus on work and my new Doctor Appointment on Monday. I just need to get through the next six days. Tonight ends on a good note CAVS WON!!!!! Six more days people. Six more days!

2

Updates and Public Posting

I have accomplished a lot over the last month. I got it together.

I contacted my Insurance that I have through my new job. To sum it up. I have a high deductible HSA Account which means that I have to pay out of pocket for everything or with my Health Saving Account until i hit my deductible. Infertility is not covered….except the usual diagnosis and treatment. As in, if I have Endo, the diagnosis of that and the treatment of the Endo is covered. BUT not anything that will help us get pregnant: meds, appointments, nothing. Great!

I started going to the gym again. It has been a slow process but I am back. I feel so good after I go which makes me excited to continue.

I also decided to get a second opinion and see a different doctor. I believe that there was a lot of miscommunication with my first RE. That made me uneasy to continue the process with her. I know a friend that is seeing her with no problems. I spoke with 2 separate friends about this. The first friend is seeing an RE at the same facility that I have been going to: it’s just a different RE. Lynn* is the other friends I have been speaking with who is seeing a RE at a completely different facility then what I was at now. Lynn’s* process with this doctor has been awesome which makes me very optimistic about her. I set up at Appointment with this doctor for May 18th.

I also started spotting today; VERY VERY Lightly. Barely anything. but it started. I am not supposed to start until Sunday…Mother’s Day. Yea, thats happening. I am spotting 5 days early. I am trying to tell myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is implantation. At the same time I am telling myself, “Don’t get your hopes up!” I also woke up extremely nauseous. All day, all I have been thinking about is this spotting. This is the worst part of the journey. The uncertainties. I haven’t started yet but there is a little brown. Which could be me starting OR it could be me getting pregnant. I am not taking a test until a week after I am supposed to start. So I will test on May 17tth or May 16th. The latest my period has been before is 3 days. I am hoping that IF I am not pregnant that it comes on Sunday or the day after. Obviously I don’t want to start on Mother’s Day but I just want consistency, which is not an option with TTC.

I also posted a lot on my Facebook and Instagram during National Infertility Week. I posted ecards, links about infertility, or quotes about what Infertility and how this effects us emotionally. With that I was essentially making it known that Josh and I were struggling with this disease. I posted everyday during that week, sometimes multiple posts. I also got an overwhelming amount of positive feedback from people. Every post got so many “Likes” as well as positive comments. I also received five different messages and two different text of people giving us well wishes, sending prayers, letting me know they are there for us, or asking me questions about what I have been going through. I was elated. I knew there was a reason that I decided to open up about infertility. I knew that when I started aggressively posting things that it was going to draw attention to me but I was prepared for that and for negativity. And it didn’t happen. Lynn* also publicly posted her blog on Facebook. I was so surprised. I thought she was so strong for being able to post something so personal. It made me want to post mine. I was intimidated to post something so personal, it made me very vulnerable, and couldn’t believe that she posted hers. To explain a little, her blog is mostly medical. It does have some emotional aspects to it but not as much venting as mine does. I took some time to myself to read over my blog again. I examined it, walked away for a bit, examined it again, and did some editing. I didn’t do a lot of editing but there were some things about others that I took out. It was not my place to put other people business out there. The people that I do talk about I asked them to read it to verify that it was ok I posted it. I decided to post it to Facebook. After reading this I think that it will be on there. I spoke with my husband about it and all he said was, “Does it have all our sex stuff on it?” which means that he is OK with it. I know that there will be people that feel negatively about this and will have their opinions. As all of us know, we deal with this all the time. I can handle that and accept that I am opening myself up to it even more by posting this. BUT I also know that by opening up about our struggles and showing the raw emotions I feel that it can potentially help others. Others that feel alone, experience the Taboo of Infertility, or don’t have anyone to talk to about this   disease. So, here it goes. Things are getting real; Get ready because I am in it to win it! Time to get this baby train going.

0

She Said My Name!!!

I am not sick anymore…THANK GOODNESS! I am still not 100% but I am doing better than I was last week or the week before. It feels god to be back to myself. being sick is exhausting.

Let’s talk about the kid’s Birthday Party I went to this weekend. I was good during the whole party and was having fun visiting with a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a while. besides Facebook. It was at this place, indoors, that was full of playgrounds to play on. It was cool and great for the 2-7 year old kids that were there. AND only 2 kids got hurt so it was good LOL. It was a good time. After that we went out to eat with Em*, her husband, and their two kids. We had a good time with them, as usual. Something amazing happened too! I was super jealous because even though their almost 2-year-old always loves hanging out with me she still said Josh’s name first. I was kind of saddened by that. Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, Em’s* husband said, “Say bye to Tiff”(we shorten it to Tiff to try to get her to say it) and she said it, “Bye Tiff” WWWHHHHHHAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!! I was so excited! When we got in the car I was gushing about how she finally said my name. I was in my own little world. I was ecstatic until I got home and checked Facebook. I see that Em* tagged me in a post. I was just assuming it was something about the party but that’s not why I was tagged. (Edited to protect whoever might not want information out there) “So thankful for the great friends (Retail Store) has given us! We celebrated (Friend’s Son)’s 4th birthday today and then met up with Tiffany and Josh, who my kids adore and after leaving (Em’s* Daughter) kept saying tiff, josh! They are so good to my kids and couldn’t ask for better friends”

….. I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was elated that Em* felt that way, that we have these great kids in our lives, and that we have such great friends in our lives. I was also devastated. That I spent the day with all my friends that have kids…most of them have two kids, that the first baby in my life to say my name wasn’t my baby, that I adore these kids with all my heart but they aren’t mine, that we were the only friends at the party without kids, and that we are still on this journey that feels like it is going nowhere. Josh then yelled to me from the other room. Telling me that because I am better with words to comment something nice. He had already wrote a comment but it was just a thank you type phrase. So, I sat there for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what to write because I was stuck. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think to even begin to type. I mustered up some words then went to bed. I had no desire to try to stay awake after that. I had no energy to function. I sulked for the rest of the night and got over it.

I found the positive the next day. This little girl said my name, we have great friends, and we spent the whole day with great people.  My job is going well. I understand how people said it can be stressful but so far it is a stress that I can manage. This job is also the kind that you don’t bring home which makes me happy. Things are good. I am going to look into my insurance again tomorrow to see what is under the specialist category. I have only been there for a month, I don’t know if that means anything. All I know is that I have high deductible and HSA Account. I have never had insurance like this so I am not sure what to do with it. I’ll figure it out. Once I get that situated I am calling my doctor for an appointment. Well, we are in our ovulation time so I have to go. Wish us luck!

1

Struggle

Sometimes, I struggle understanding people.

When someone who has been through a similar situation to yours, mine, all of our situations and the second that they have a child, they forget. The memories of the pain, of the loss, of the grief, the struggle…it’s all gone. This person never went to a doctor, RE, specialist, or anyone to try to help the process to get pregnant. Eventually she got pregnant on her own. While talking with her about our struggles she would say the things we all hate to hear:  Continuing to talk about how difficult her child can be…”Are you sure you want to have a kid?” “OH, it’s that expensive! You really want to go through all that?” To give you a brief history of myself: I am a mostly Irish and German. I have been told, by numerous people, that I am a firecracker. I do a good job at keeping my temper under control but the majority of time I just blurt out what I am thinking. So, when people continue asking questions like that I just respond with “Yes” and change the subject or continue on talking. I try not to make it a big deal. With this particular person though, SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS! Longer then I have been through this. So, instead of the typical “Yes” i said, “Yes, don’t you remember what it was like? Don’t you remember how bad you wanted it?” And she responded with , “Yea, but I don’t know anymore…its so hard and my baby is such a pain sometimes” It’s like what I said, didn’t even register in her brian. Like, she completely forgot everything. How do you forget that pain? I know people talk about the pain of birth is a minor thought once you have the child, “it’s all worth it” They say. Well, shouldn’t it be that way with your infertility? Should you remember the pain but it all be worth it once you have that baby you have dreamed about for so long. I say this all now and I hope that I don’t become that once I get pregnant. Please put me in check if I ever say something that make me seem like I forgot.

After that fun conversation I wanted a good weekend. My husband and I went to the Auto Show with Em*, her husband, and their two kids. I never put pictures up of us so I decided to take on and put it on here for once. Yes, my husband has a ferocious beard. I am not a fan of the beard. I don’t mind it when it is trimmed but it’s not in this picture. Thing is getting out of control. We had a great time at the Auto Show and didn’t do much the rest of the weekend. Which is exactly what I needed.

10930074_10152623475341809_6746974913096266232_n

Monday I woke up with a sore throat and throughout work my ear started to bug me as well. By the time Josh got home from work my ear was really bothering me. My throat was like the Sahara desert. It did not matter how much water I drank, nothing was satisfying this dryness. It was about 7:30pm when everything was really bothering me. We were running around and got home at 8:15pm and I was in bed by 8:30pm. I woke up at 11:30pm feeling warm and in a lot of pain. I fell back asleep but woke up again at 12:30am with the same symptoms. I woke up once more at 1:30am and IT WAS AWFUL! I was sweating, freezing, clearly running a fever, and in tremendous pain. I took my temperature to verify the fever and it was confirmed, 100.29. Oh, joy! I have to leave for work at 6am, I don’t know how I am going to do this. I couldn’t fall back asleep. I drank a bottle of water and grabbed a cough drop. The last time I checked my phone it was 3:30am. I was shaking and bundled under my comforter. Josh was sleeping on the couch therefore I had the entire conformer to myself. I wrapped the whole thing all around me and was still shivering. I fell back asleep until 5:00am. I called off work then I stayed awake until 6:00am to wake up Josh for work then took some night-time medicine to try to get some sleep. I slept until 9:30am then went to the Walgreens Take Care Clinic (which I had to pay out-of-pocket because of high deductible/ HSA insurance). I found out I have Strep Throat, the Flu, and to top it off I started my period!!! All in the same day! The nurse practitioner told me to take yesterday and today off to make sure I wasn’t contagious anymore. It has been a struggle over the last 40 hours. I haven’t eaten a meal since Monday at 11am. I have had a half a package of crackers, two granola bars, and a poor attempt at soup this morning. Back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not.

New cycle! Once I get my insurance card I will set up the appointment with my doctor. Until then we will use OPK and PreSeed. It has officially been 2 years ad 6 months into this journey. My goal is to not make it to 3 years. Good Luck to the next month for myself and all of you! CD2 here we go!

7

Ovulation and 2WW

I KNOW, I KNOW…I haven’t been around I had to catch up on over 2 weeks of information from all of you. That took a while. Then I felt I could finally type.

Leaving a job and starting a new one is very stressful. On account of holding a leadership position at the previous job, I was working until the last minute I was there. It was exhausting. Luckily, I was able to take some time off during my last week. At the previous job you had to use the vacation you have earned or you lose it. You are also able to transfer vacation to the next year from the previous. I transferred some time(just in case we got pregnant, that way I could take a little more time off) so I had 23 hours available to use and my manager said I could use it all whenever. Unfortunately, we were understaffed and the only time I could take my vacation was my last week. There was a holiday that week which meant that I was going to work one day; I was OK with that! It was nice to just relax before starting my new job. Now, I have been at my new job officially for a little over two weeks. It is much different from my other jobs but it is in the Operational/Fraud/ Research side so I am loving it! As many of you know when coming into a new job you have to learn EVERYTHING and with a Operational/ Processing type job…that’s a lot! With that said I am also working farther away from home and much earlier in the morning. There have been a lot of adjustments. I am still adjusting to everything. I have been dog tired all the time from all of these changes. I am excited to finally become accustom to the new career and schedule though. I know that this is whats best for our house hold.

As of today: I am on CD23 and 4(maybe 5)DPO.

Now for the 2WW. My app says that I can take a test in 9 days but I want to wait 12 days and my adoring husband wants me to wait and take it in 6 days. I ever so gently told him, “That ain’t happenin, Champ!!!!!” He then told me that he was going to steal my pee…… I couldn’t stop laughing! We also used Pre-Seed this time and I am hoping that helps us. We had used it before but our timing was off for when we thought I was ovulating. My hubby did some research and said that since we know when I ovulate that we should use it again. I love when he says stuff like that. That, “I’ve been researching this too, I want this too, I want to help” kind of stuff! It reminds me that I am not the only one in this relationship that wants a baby. If all goes well I will be testing on the 23rd. If all goes not so well, I am scheduled to start on the 17th. I am still trying to figure out my insurance. They sent me a packet but I have never had to figure out insurance this way so I am a little confused. I need to call my HR/ my future insurance company to find out more. At my last job there was virtual assistance, Alex,  that helped you understand everything that was offered. You would answer questions like: How many doctors’ visits might you have next year, specialist visits, medicines, ER visits, and others like that. Then he would compare the different plans and suggest the one that best fit you. It made everything very user friendly for someone like me. They offer a few different providers as well, I think. We know what plan we are going with but I don’t know how to decide which provider. I have to figure it out soon though. We need to do this appointment to figure out whats next. Have a good rest of the week everyone!

QUESTIONS:

How long do you ovulate for?

How to you measure DPO if its more then one day?

I assume you use the last day, right? Do you only test by how late your period is or by how many DPO you are?

What should I look for in my new insurance?

Any providers that I should avoid or that you prefer?

4

Cramps, Bloating and Excuses

3 days late

Got to CD 30

Got to 14 DPO

Also got my period

Yup…that happened!

Saturday: I was supposed to start on Valentine’s Day. Nothing.

Sunday: I had very little spotting, very little(Brown). Mostly in the morning. I was hoping that was just implantation.

Monday: Spotting again. Mostly in the morning again. Very little again(Pink). Right side pelvic pain. I got a little nervous at that point but was still hopeful that it was just implantation.

Today(Tuesday):

Today I woke up to nothing. Then it all started. The cramps, lower back pain, bloating. Went to the bathroom later and well to quote Taylor Swift , “All I see is Red, Re-e-e-ed” So much for this month.

I did purchase a pregnancy test for this month because Josh really really wanted me too. I look at it as now we have one in the house for the future. I am not one of those that has a bulk amount in the house. I don’t like having them around because I don’t want the reminder of NO. I will take a PT when I am significantly late. I already get that NO every month I don’t need to pee on a stick and way 3-5 minutes to hear it too. I am fine with my OPK Negatives because I know now that I have a positive that will happen with those. Frankie* gave me some information on buying OPK on Amazon. I may purchase those to have for next month but I don’t think that I will get them for this month.

We finally heard something about VA money coming through. We will finally stop having delays in this TTC Quest. We will be getting a new roof, new carpet, and pay off some debt. We will decide on the insurance and then FINALLY be able to move forward with getting us pregnant. Finally no more delays and excuses but in the end its about one thing holding us back: Money. But now we will finally be in a place that I will feel comfortable bringing a baby into this house. No leaks into the living room or remnant carpet in the living room. It will be a home. Time to get this thing going.