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My First Pregnancy

On November 5, 2016 I saw my first positive pregnancy test. I was so nervous that we told very little people. Due to this being so unexplained I was very petrified it would end as quickly as it began. My MIL and Mother knew because of the calls made that day. The next day was my best friend’s son’s birthday party so I had to tell her. She cried and was so excited for us. Besides that I wasn’t telling anyone until after the first trimester. I was sick ALL THE TIME my first trimester. Not morning sickness, I had the flu, my entire first trimester. It was awful. Unable to take any medicine made for a very miserable 3 months. Thanksgiving I was very sick. No voice, sore throat, congestion, headaches, the works. I had that for around 2 weeks. I was OK for a little bit then got sick again shortly after Christmas and the worst of it hit New years night/day. I had the same symptoms as before but worse. My throat was so sore I only ate very cold/warm foods. I loved the sorbet Popsicle at Giant Eagle. They were so soothing. We announced on Christmas day, a little before the end of the first trimester. We thought it would be a great surprise to share it then. We told my stepdaughter first by giving her a shirt. We used that picture and a ultrasound to announce on Social media. The response was overwhelming. We received so many messages, comments, and text sending well wishes our way.

The first image is how I told my fathers side of the family at our family Christmas Eve party. The second image is the one that was posted on Social Media. Sorry, I’m not good at editing. I took video as much as I could during the pregnancy so I have video of when I told my step daughter and my Dad’s family. It was amazing. Overall, the first trimester wasn’t that bad. I was so unbelievably nervous and petrified. At the same time I tried to enjoy the fact that this was happening and that I was pregnant. Besides the flu, my morning sickness was just nausea…often without actually getting sick. I can’t complain too much about that.

My second trimester was a breeze. I wasn’t sick anymore. My friend let me use her at home Doppler and the beginning of the 2nd trimester was the first time I found her heart beat. That was such a wonderful reassurance to have. Knowing my babe was there. It was the best feeling ever. I started to show around 18 weeks. As they say, my belly just “popped out”. Around that same time is when I felt her kick for the first time. It was amazing. I think that she did kick sooner but I didn’t know what it was. It was such a faint flutter I know now but at the time I just thought it was gas or something in my gut. Silly, I was nervous for the scan at 20 weeks but all was well. I was very excited after our scan to find out all of her measurements were good. I did have to redo some of the measurements as well as redo my glucose test. I passed the 2nd time but it was not fun re-doing that test. I did have a few symptoms that made the 2nd trimester less fun. I developed insomnia. It was the worst. I was getting about 2 hours of sleep each night. There was also about a week where I developed sciatic pain. I remember one time specifically trying tie my shoes and I almost collapsed from the pain. I am so grateful that only lasted a week. The end of the 2nd trimester is when I finally bought maternity pants. I was buying shirts often but never pants for some reason. I just used a maternity band. Which was awful. It was fine at first but then my pants where just always falling down. The maternity pants didn’t fully fit my belly and they always fell down as well. I was happy for my third trimester to know my babe was almost here….and my pants would finally fit.

The third trimester. At first it was fine. It was just the 2nd trimester continued. Feeling good. My blood pressure and numbers were always good. My weight gain was fine and I was always measuring on time. The further I got into the trimester the harder it got. As I expected. I was told I was due July 17th. I always knew she was going to be early though. My back pain became very very difficult to bear. I would try to walk often and drank a lof of  water. Nothing really helped though. I just tried to rest and stretch as much as I could after I got home from work. Starting the beginning of June my feet and legs started to swell towards during work as well. Each week it got worse. I called my doctors’ office to verify what was happening was normal. They said it was but I went there to show them because I had the worst cankles I have ever had. When I got there they just told me it was normal and I need to elevate them, ice them, and drink water. I felt like “this can’t be normal”. It was. But I was in pain everyday and it became very overwhelming. It was and it was a pain I had never felt. My co-worker actually advocated for me to be able to work from home more often but it wasn’t allowed. I was very grateful someone spoke out for me. I felt that made it look less like me complaining and more like someone else noticing my struggle and trying to help. That happen the 3rd week of June. I told my co worker that in July I would pull my boss aside to ask to work from home more. I work an hour from home and my hospital I would be delivering at. For that reason I wanted to be home more often just in case I went into labor.

The closer we got towards the end the more my doctor said that she thinks that my babe “won’t be tiny”. She was saying that she will most likely be a 9-10 lbs baby. This just reassured me that I would go early. I was a 7lb baby and Josh was 9lbs. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility to have that big of a baby. I just knew our Sadie wasn’t going to be that big because she would be early. June 26th I had a doctor appointment and the doctor said that she was very convinced the baby would be big if I went full term. I was slowly dilating but I went from .05 cm to 1 cm in 2 weeks. With those to things she said that we should schedule a induction date a week earlier just in case. The doctor said that with it being my first there was no way to know if I would go early or not but we would schedule this just in case. The doctor also said that every time she scheduled an induction the mom went early. I was nervous about being induced because I heard a lot of rough stories about Pitocin and induction labors. The 27th I was at work and called to schedule my induction date. We schedules it for July 13th. I was very excited. VERY EXCITED!! I told my boss my new “Last day of work” that obviously it could be sooner but that was my induction date. When I came home that night it was just a normal night. I ate and then my husband and I hung out. We were laying in bed just listening to music. Putting music on my belly, which is something we had not done before. We started with calm, classical music. Then we had some fun and played DMX and Pink Floyd. I eventually went to sleep and never knew that everything was going change that night.

I was going to do this and the birth in one but it would be way too long. One last blog about the birth.

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IUI/IVF Appointment

We had out IUI/IVF Appointment. It was just supposed to be an IVF appointment but we high-jacked it into a mixture of the two.

It started like a normal appointment where the nurse took us back to take my blood pressure, temperature, weight, and ask why we were there. I said that, ” we are here for our IVF Consultation” and the mood slightly changed with the nurse. She took Josh and I into a room and told us the doctor would be with us shortly. We didn’t have to wait long at all before the Doctor came in and took us to her office to chat, in her words. We sat down and the doctor made us a little picture to describe the process of IVF: Medications to increase eggs production and assist in ovulation, blood test and ultrasounds, egg retrieval, combining eggs and sperm to make embryo, waiting to see which ones take, insemination of embryos, waiting to see what takes, and baby!

The Doctor then explained the difference between IUI and IVF because Josh mixes them up sometimes when we talk. From there a lot of our discussion was about Josh’s count. She was saying that all Doctor’s agree that they want no lower then 1 million sperm count after the wash to do IUI or IVF. But there is that gray area that not all doctors agree on. She said that she knows that Josh’s count is low. “I think that we should try IUI first. If after the wash Josh has 2 million or more I feel very good about IUI, if its 1-2 Million I would still want to try IUI, if it is lower then 1 million then I would suggest IVF for the next cycle if IUI did not work. If that first round did not work as long as the 2nd round was 1 million or more I would want to try IUI again. We would only do IUI 2-3 times and if those did not work then I would suggest IVF going forward.” The doctor had high hopes for IUI with us. You could tell that she did not want to jump right into IVF without at least trying a IUI cycle.

We then started to vaguely talk about cost. She stated that there was a woman we should contact if we decide to go to IVF because this woman could give us options to help pay for it if we needed. As I have stated before: IUI is a “flat rate” (as the doctors describe it) of $420.00 for the Insemination and Sperm Wash. This does not include any medications, ultrasounds, blood work, or doctor appointments which we believe will average the IUI to about $550.00. The IVF package is $9,800.00 which includes the egg retrieval with ultrasound, sperm prep, fertilization(with ICSI, if needed), transfer, recovery room, preservation of remaining eggs or embryos, anesthesia, and cycle management. From there you have to pay for the medication which starts at $3,000.00 and go up from there.   You also have to add in the cost of the blood work, ultrasounds, or doctor appointments which we believe will average the IVF to about $15,000.00. She said that the finance lady has options for us and she understands the hesitation. That was refreshing to hear. The doctor also suggested ICSI because it would put the sperm right into the egg instead of allowing them to come together themselves. This is suggested to men suffering from infertility and as stated above, is included with IVF package. The doctor went over the risk with us as well as testing that we can get done to test for certain diseases that would be passed on to the embryo that we could remove. So crazy! From there we touched on my weight. She showed me statistics(which I don’t remember) about how likely it is for us to get pregnant. We had pretty good odds for our ages and diagnosis. BUT those odds drop with my weight being what it is. The doctor stated that the odds aren’t bad but the weight doesn’t help them either. This is something that Josh and I have discussed since the appointment.

The Appointment was an hour. The doctor answered all the questions we had and cleared up the process of both IUI and IVF for Josh. At the end of the appointment she gave us a folder full of IVF information and she put a paper about IUI in the folder for us to look over. I felt great after the appointment. Josh said that he felt the same and that it was nice to get all the information that we did.

We did win a trip to Hawaii and it was amazing. This picture was taken out first morning in Oahu. We woke up at 4AM(accidentally) and watched the sunrise over Diamond head. It was beautiful.

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We took this time to relax and not talk about any baby stuff. Unfortunately, when we got home I got very sick. We have been home a little over a week and I am just starting to feel better. I did start my period and I am on CD 5 which mean I am too late for this cycle to do IUI. I am actually OK with that. This cycle has been miserable, long, and painful. I was thinking that we might wait a month or two so I can get some gym time in. Since I have been sick that has not happened. Josh and I haven’t talked about when we are going to start the IUI process but as of right now I am thinking July. I know that I wont be able to work out this week because I still don’t feel well which means I will be giving myself 2 full months to change my/our diets and exercise more. Josh and I will go over this information again very soon to verify that we are on the same page. I may read this over again to add things that I may have forgot about the appointment but right now this is all I can remember. Thats what I get for waiting so long to type this blog. I will be back soon with our decision on when we will start IUI. I will make sure when that blog of the IUI appointment is very detailed and shortly after the actual procedure….unlike this one. My bad =].

 

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The Results Are In…Again

I know I keep taking breaks from the blog but I realized that I need it for my sanity. If I engross myself into this baby stuff when there is nothing that we can do I will get crazy. I told myself that I would not update the blog until it was closer to a time when something significant can happen. Finally, it is that time.

The results from Josh’s Blood and Sperm Analysis came back a while ago:

Blood Test- Testosterone: 356 ng/dl (Low), Luteinizing: 6.6 mU/mL (Good), FSH: 7.6 mU/mL(Good)

Sperm Test- DNA: 12.1% (Good), Reactive O2 Species: 2,242.9 RLU/sec (High), Semen PH: 7.2 (Low), Motility: 55% (Improved, Good), Sperm Morphology: 5% (Low), AmOrphology Sperm: 84% (High), Concentration(After Removing “Bad Sperm): 4.6 (Million, Low), Total Count: 16.56 (Million, Low), Total Motile Sperm: 9.11 (Million, Low)

We were told that the low sperm count and the high oxidative stress can be fixed by the Vitamin C and E that he is currently taking in the vitamin regimen that he has been on since November. It is not guaranteed that it will be fixed by those vitamins but we will see with the next test. He also has abnormal morphology. This is not uncommon for men and it also is not an easy fix. We were told that if his numbers do not improve and if this continues to be the problem that IVF with ICSI is our best bet to get pregnant. “Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). ICSI only requires one sperm, which is injected directly into the egg. The fertilised egg (embryo) is then transferred to your uterus (womb).”(http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a4097/fertility-treatment-intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-icsi#ixzz3zFSBNU74) Josh was also told to continue taking the vitamin regimen, some others meds, then we will retest in a 3 months.

Guess what kids….Its been three months. I know, I can’t believe it either how time as flied by. As of February 11th Josh can go get re-tested. He calls in the day before to set up the appointment then we go from there. Josh travels a lot now for work and we are not sure if he will be in town that day so he had not set up the appointment yet. If he can’t go the 11th then we just try each thursday after that(18th, 25th, etc.) He believes that he will be traveling that week so it might have to wait until the 18th. I am hoping not but he doesn’t have much control of when he travels so we will see what happens. Best Case Scenario, Josh gets his test done in a week. This makes me very excited because even though I have been trying to avoid the baby talking, it hasn’t been going very well.

I introduced my friend to my doctor and she started Clomid and testing and everything right away. But before I knew it she was doing IUI and I was in a daze. She took her OPK at work and when she came back from the bathroom with a BFP, she was ecstatic. She instantly left to call the doctor to set up the appointment for their IUI. I literally ran to the bathroom and burst into tears. I was so mad at her and jealous and devastated and heartbroken. She has been trying for a long time and deserves this. But I have too. I have been dealing with doctors and so has my husband. Going through this pain of nothing for months on end just for my friend to get to do this so quickly. After literally vocalizing all of this to another friend I realized, ” I just need to feel bad for myself first so I can then be happy for her.” I needed to be frustrated and deal with my emotions. I used to be a very instant person. If I felt something everyone knew and I didn’t care about the repercussions or how it would effect others. If I was mad at you, you knew it, no matter how childish the situation. I never took the time to think about the situation before erupting with emotions. I am much better at expressing my emotions in a healthy way. Obviously we all have our moments but, no matter what the emotion is, I figure it out and go on with my day. I didn’t want her to think that she couldn’t talk to me about it or that i wasn’t happy for her because I was. I felt awful when my best friend thought she couldn’t tell me she was pregnant because of our situation. I wanted to make sure I never let one of my friends think that ever again. After I grieved that day I was able to be happy for her and wanted to know every detail about it. Unfortunately, it did not take and either did the 2 other times. She is taking a break now because you can tell it has taken an emotional toll on her. I don’t blame her and she needs this break. Physically and Emotionally. I hope that she gets her family soon because she has been through a lot, especially these last few months. It seems to be a pretty exhausting process where time is not your friend and you have run to the doctors at the drop of a hat on numerous occasions. I can’t say that I am looking forward to not having control over this situation. But I am so overwhelmed with the glimmer of hope over these next few weeks with Josh’s tests. This might be our time. Instead of all the waiting we might be able to finally start the process of getting pour baby.

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My Second First Doctors Appointment

Today was the day of my Doctor Appointment with the new Doctor. The office looked like every other Doctor’s Office but the sign by the door said Fertility Center. I already felt a little at ease because I was hoping it would only be women in the office in a similar position as us. It wasn’t like when I went to the previous Doctor where there was pregnant woman in there and baby pictures on the wall. There was none of that here which helped me while filling out all the new patient paper work. I wasn’t done with the paper work before I was called to the back by the nurse. She took my weight and brought me into the room. The nurse asked why I was there….we want to have a baby. Then I go into the details of Our Story. She then takes my blood pressure, which was good, then has me finish my paperwork and wait for the doctor.

The doctor came in rather quickly and we were only in the Patient room for a moment before she took me into her office. The Doctor was so adorable. She is probably in her 40’s but looks like she is in her 30’s. She is about 5’6, skinny minny, with chin length curly blackish brown hair that had some grey hairs through it as well. Those grey’s where the only thing that made her look any older. She had very smooth aged porcelain skin, beautiful long eyelashes and very little make up. Not that she needed any. The Doctor has a very natural beauty and a very big smile. I could tell that she was a serious doctor but one that could handle my humor that REALLY turns on when I am nervous. We discussed my problems with the previous doctor: Lack of communication, not on the same page, etc. The Doctor then grabbed a piece of paper and said, ” This is how you make a baby” She drew a stick figured woman but put a big circle to show the lady parts as well as an arrow from the head pointing at the lady parts. The Doctor said that “we need to figure out where the disconnect is in this process. First, the brain tells the body to ovulate, I don’t that there is a problem there because you have had Positive OPK. Then you produce the eggs, the eggs drop, the sperm attaches then that attaches to the wall. These are the parts where we don’t know why you haven’t got pregnant yet.” She said that she wants to do an ultra sound to see whats going on. I said OK and she asked if I was up for that today? I was surprised and then a little confused. I asked very naively, “through the belly ultrasound?” She smiled then shook her head back and forth. “I wasn’t prepared for that…I didn’t prepare for that.” She said that is fine and not to worry at all. She said that doing this will give her a better idea of what I have going on and what path she thinks we should take. I expressed my hesitation but agreed even though I was nervous. I was just expecting a chat, not an ultrasound.

She tells me to empty my bladder then go into the room and (as we have all heard numerous time) undress from the waste down. I get to it. Then nervously wait for her return. She comes into the room and starts a conversation to try to distract me from the lubricant she is applying to the wand she is about to use for the ultrasound. I was very very nervous at that point. I had never had an ultrasound like THAT before. I knew that with this journey, I needed to get used to it! After the initial…..you know….it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Then The Doctor said, ” Your Uterus looks GREAT!” I took that as a compliment but still curiously said Thank you! While she was checking my ovaries there was a little pressure but it wasn’t too bad. The HSG Appt. was much worse. She didn’t say much while looking at my ovaries and then turned the screen for me to look at. She said, ” The uterus looks great, here’s your left ovary full off all those little eggs which is great. It looks exactly like it should(to me it looked like and open Pomegranate). And we go to the right, see how it is all black?” I respond hesitantly, “Yes?” “Well, that is a good thing. That means that you should be ovulating within the next week, right?” and in fact I was supposed to. I was so relieved. I knew the OPK said Yes before but now I have seen it for myself. I was then told to get dressed and go back into her office so we could finish talking.

The Doctor had the ultrasounds printed out. I kind of wanted to take them. I know that there wasn’t a baby but I have always wanted an ultrasound photo with a baby. I didn’t ask, don’t worry. After that we finished out discussion on what the game plan was going to be. The Doctor asked if my previous doctor talked about my glucose level at all. I told her that the previous doctor did say that it was high and pre diabetic but that was it. She said that it was definitely too high. That if it gets any higher than a 6.0 she doesn’t like trying to get people pregnant because of the complications that can happen. That made me heart stop. I don’t know that my levels are at now and then she said she wanted to test my blood again to see where I was at. We will do the blood work today to test my glucose and my thyroid today. Crap! I ate a doughnut and drank Gatorade that morning. I KNOW I KNOW! Worst combination ever and such a horrible idea before a Doctor’s Appointment. Josh and I rarely buy doughnuts and of course I choose to have mine before the appointment. I was so mad at myself. We continued on:

1. Try for this cycle to get  pregnant. After she saw were my ovulation was at for this month she really wants us to try again. I am fine with that, what’s one more month.

2.Josh has to get tested after this ovulation. She said that after this week he has to schedule an appointment. The Doctor also said that the VA should cover it and if they don’t do it there they should cover for Josh to have it done somewhere else. That was a relief.

3. No Surgery for Endo. The Doctor said that it truly looks like I have it but she is not 100% because the only way to check is through the surgery and because I am not having awful symptoms like some do she doesn’t want to do the surgery if she doesn’t have to, which I agree with. Plus, I don’t have the time off to do the surgery so, that works for me.

4. IF this month doesn’t work and Josh’s test come back normal then she thinks the next best step is Clomid with IUI next month. HOLY CRAP! I don’t know what I was expecting, It is the next best step. She said the same thing. The Doctor said that because we have been trying for so long that she thinks this combination is our best chance. She said that since we tried Clomid by itself and it didn’t work she didn’t want to risk just IUI. She obviously mentioned the much higher the odds are of twins which Josh and I are fine with. The next big question:Cost. It is a flat right(like UPS or something) of $482.00 for the wash of his sperm and the Insemination. That obviously doesn’t include the cost of the medications and the doctors appointments for ultrasounds or whatever else they might need from me. I was thinking it will cost around $700 after the bills finally come around.

I felt amazing after the Appointment. I am obviously a little hesitant about the blood results but other than that, cloud 9! We could potentially be pregnant NEXT MONTH! She said to contact her next month if I start my period or if we get pregnant on our own. From there ,if we are not pregnant: we will get the Clomid Prescription(100 mg), take that day 5-9, then people normally ovulate on CD12 (I ovulate late but I don’t think that will stay the same with Clomid) but once I get a positive on the OPK I call the Fertility Center to have the IUI don’t the next day, Josh goes in before me that morning to give his sample, it will be “washed” as in they will separate the good sperm from the bad sperm, and then they do the insemination and I sit on the table for 10 minutes(they are available 7 days a week for insemination).  They said that there is a chance of cramping pain after as well as spotting are common. Two weeks later we test to see if we have a baby. This is happening we are finally in the process of having a baby. I am beyond excited and Josh is too! We bought a bunch of healthier food to try to get this glucose stuff under control as well as continuing going to the gym. We are doing this, we are going to get our family. I just know that we are going to get our baby!

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She Said My Name!!!

I am not sick anymore…THANK GOODNESS! I am still not 100% but I am doing better than I was last week or the week before. It feels god to be back to myself. being sick is exhausting.

Let’s talk about the kid’s Birthday Party I went to this weekend. I was good during the whole party and was having fun visiting with a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a while. besides Facebook. It was at this place, indoors, that was full of playgrounds to play on. It was cool and great for the 2-7 year old kids that were there. AND only 2 kids got hurt so it was good LOL. It was a good time. After that we went out to eat with Em*, her husband, and their two kids. We had a good time with them, as usual. Something amazing happened too! I was super jealous because even though their almost 2-year-old always loves hanging out with me she still said Josh’s name first. I was kind of saddened by that. Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, Em’s* husband said, “Say bye to Tiff”(we shorten it to Tiff to try to get her to say it) and she said it, “Bye Tiff” WWWHHHHHHAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!! I was so excited! When we got in the car I was gushing about how she finally said my name. I was in my own little world. I was ecstatic until I got home and checked Facebook. I see that Em* tagged me in a post. I was just assuming it was something about the party but that’s not why I was tagged. (Edited to protect whoever might not want information out there) “So thankful for the great friends (Retail Store) has given us! We celebrated (Friend’s Son)’s 4th birthday today and then met up with Tiffany and Josh, who my kids adore and after leaving (Em’s* Daughter) kept saying tiff, josh! They are so good to my kids and couldn’t ask for better friends”

….. I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was elated that Em* felt that way, that we have these great kids in our lives, and that we have such great friends in our lives. I was also devastated. That I spent the day with all my friends that have kids…most of them have two kids, that the first baby in my life to say my name wasn’t my baby, that I adore these kids with all my heart but they aren’t mine, that we were the only friends at the party without kids, and that we are still on this journey that feels like it is going nowhere. Josh then yelled to me from the other room. Telling me that because I am better with words to comment something nice. He had already wrote a comment but it was just a thank you type phrase. So, I sat there for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what to write because I was stuck. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think to even begin to type. I mustered up some words then went to bed. I had no desire to try to stay awake after that. I had no energy to function. I sulked for the rest of the night and got over it.

I found the positive the next day. This little girl said my name, we have great friends, and we spent the whole day with great people.  My job is going well. I understand how people said it can be stressful but so far it is a stress that I can manage. This job is also the kind that you don’t bring home which makes me happy. Things are good. I am going to look into my insurance again tomorrow to see what is under the specialist category. I have only been there for a month, I don’t know if that means anything. All I know is that I have high deductible and HSA Account. I have never had insurance like this so I am not sure what to do with it. I’ll figure it out. Once I get that situated I am calling my doctor for an appointment. Well, we are in our ovulation time so I have to go. Wish us luck!

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Why Did You Do That Dove?

If you are like everyone else is the world I am assuming most of you saw that Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl comes the commercials. There were a lot of serious commercials and some funny ones as well. I liked the BMW i3 commercial and the Fiat one with the Viagra pill. Both cute commercials to lighten the intense game. The Nationwide commercial was extreme for me but definitely memorable, probably what they were going for. Obviously we have Budweiser. That dog…gets me every time! Josh said last years commercial was better but I thought this year Budweiser did just as well. I teared up, that little guy could have been eaten if it wasn’t for those Clydesdales. For me the most memorable commercial was Doves. Now most people probably wouldn’t say that or even remember the commercial compared to the others. Watching the TV intently through the commercials and I see this adorable baby jumping into Daddy’s arms in a pool. Then they continue with another adorable baby calling to Daddy…and it goes on and on with that.

Once that ultrasound was up I started to tear up, then the girl hugs her dad crying and I was done. I tried to hide it but Josh was sitting in the chair next to me and knew. He got out of the chair and crawled over to me. He hugged me and just asked the obvious question, “What’s wrong babe?” I tried to pull myself together but the second he hugged me and I felt his embrace the tears were flowing. “I want to give you a baby that can call Daddy out to you.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said ,”You will”. At that point the game came back on and I was doing everything to get him to his chair so I could pick up the pieces this Dove commercial crumbled for me. I said, “The game is back on….you are going to miss it.”  He held me tight and said, “I don’t care.” It was so sweet for him to drop everything except me. I love him so much it is unbelievable. He may not be that emotional or say all the gushing things but when it comes down to it he really tries to be that sensitive guy with the shoulder I need. He has been wonderful through this and I really am grateful for him.

Since I have been taking the OPK I have had nothing but BFN and its become a little frustrating. With this stupid app that I have it showed today as my last ovulation day and nothing. Now, when I took my temperature it showed that I ovulate late. I am hoping that I ovulate closer to CD 17-19. Seeing as CD 12-16 don’t feel like working with me. Another Josh moment I adore. As we were talking about this yesterday he was asking if its possible for me to not ovulate. I respond with a Yes. He then asked what would happen if I didn’t. I explained that it depends on what corse we/the doctors want to take. I could be but on Meds or need shots or nothing. Josh responded with a simple, “OK, I have no problem giving you shots if that’s what you need.” Thanks for that because I don’t think I could do it myself.

Today it decided to down pour some snow on to us Ohioans so when Josh and I spoke this morning it was about our awful drives to work and just making sure we both made it ok. I then get a random text from Josh in the middle of the day that said, “A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. Mind Blown.” I call him, “…someone has been doing some reading.” We simply chuckle at each other. He said that he had been thinking about it and decided to do some reading. He found that I could be ovulating right before my period “so maybe it was bad timing.” I hate that phrase but for once he could be right. We would never mess around close to my period for the messy reasons that we don’t want to happen. Who knows(I will in a few days, hopefully) maybe I could ovulate later then the usual Joe! Lets all hope for some BFP in the future, this girl needs to ovulate!

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Grey’s Gets Me Every Time

For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy(I’m sorry that you aren’t living your life to the fullest) there is a couple on the show, Jackson and April that are pregnant. On the last episode we were informed that the baby had a rare birth defect that would cause the baby to maybe only live a few days after it is born, if that. Horrible news for anyone to have to take in. April found out about it and was trying to work all day to keep her mind off what was going on. To help people and have control over some kind of situation. On this episode there was a mom that caused a accident that hurt a lot of people; she drove herself and her kids off a bridge. They found out the mom had a tumor which is what caused her abnormal behavior. But all day April was livid with this mother and what she did to her children. This was April’s breakdown at the end of the episode

WHY?

You can do everything right and it doesn’t even….

WHY?

I am sure we have all said that numerous times. To ourselves, to others, or just on here. Just to get it out, just to say the words. WHY? Why us? Why me? I try to understand and comprehend why this is happening to me on almost a daily basis. As a religious person I even say what April says, “why would God let that happen”.  I am not saying I am perfect but I am not a bad person. Why can’t we have a baby? Why do we have to struggle with this? I want to understand and I want an explanation for the obstacles that we have to jump through. April, holding her belly and saying Why just crushed me. And as Jackson said, “I don’t know”. It is the worst answer but it is the one that we all hear. There is no one that can answer the question Why so we have to settle for “I don’t know” as the answer to our questions. But the next part is what we all need to remember ,” but whatever you need I am here.” There is always someone. Whether there are multiple someones or just one…remember that. There is nothing wrong with breaking down. I am a person that does that in private or at least I try to. Last week I had a moment in public though and it was difficult.

Josh and I were finally able to go to one of my step daughter’s basketball games. They are Fridays at 6pm and working at a bank doesn’t really make it possible for me to go. This week her game got pushed back so we could go. We walk in and are greeted by my husband’s Ex Wife’s Dad who told us that the other game was almost over so my step daughter was up next. It was crazy in there from a game that was currently going on. Once that game ended we found a seat on the bleachers. Across the gym was where Josh’s Ex was sitting and we didn’t realize that until we sat down. She came over with her 1 year old daughter to give us my step daughters basketball pictures. Her daughter is adorable. While she was chatting with us her daughter laid her head on her moms shoulder. My heart melted. We all know that is probably the one thing that we all want. I was fine at that point, no big deal, just an adorable baby cuddling with her mom. They go back to the other side of the gym to sit with there stuff. After about 15 minutes I look back over to her. I see the baby sit up then fall into her mom and she just held that baby with all her might. I started to tear up. I was so jealous. This woman not only has a child with my husband but has a baby as well. At that point she had everything that I wanted, everything that I have been wanting for the last 2 years and 4 months. I didn’t look at Josh. I avoided eye contact at all cost. After one tear fell I knew I needed to get it together. I didn’t want my step daughter to see me that way, my husband, or his ex wife. So, I took a few deep breaths, focused on the game, and didn’t look at her for the rest of the game.

I am just grateful that weekend is in the past. Keeping the Dream Baby in mind I am happy for this weekend. I am going to a movie with my mom and step dad tomorrow. After that we are having a game night with Em*, her husband, his sister, her husband, and their kids. Then Sunday is the Super Bowl so we are going to a friends house to watch that. AND I got the job!!! YAY! I still have to put in my 2 weeks in but it was nice to start the weekend with great news! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

8

Lack of Reassurance and Insurance

I called my new insurance company the other day to verify what they do or don’t cover for Infertility. I finally got to a person and asked the question. “What is your coverage on Infertility?” The man on the phone said the things you always hear,”Let me look you up to verify what is covered…SS#, DOB, Name, and whatever other information he asked I willingly gave to get my answers. He finally said,”We cover the testing of Infertility.” I was waiting for more words but nothing. I then asked, “What does that mean?” He said that any testing needed to find out the source of Infertility is covered” My testing is covered, OK Great, but what from there? What about my treatment after this “testing” that is covered? I asked with a fear because I already knew the answer. He didn’t say it for a reason so why even ask but I did. “What about treatment for the testing?” “No, that is not covered” was quickly heard coming from the other end of the phone. I responded with,”Just to make sure if I am tested for my tubes being clogged or Endometriosis and the results come back positive then the treatment for those things to be removed ,or whatever you want to call it, is not covered?” Another quick response,”Correct.” That was it. I am going to call tomorrow just to make sure because I find that odd. At least with my old insurance it covered treatment but new junk doesn’t.

I don’t know what to do. All the Fears are back and the Thankful is slowly dwindling away. I am almost wanting to put a pause to this whole thing(again) simply because of the cost. My dental bills are cut in half right now but I need more work done so those will go up again in no time. I am at a loss. I want to be a mother so bad and I want to have a baby so bad. I think that I am going to still do more research with my husband’s new insurance that would start in March. If that covers more than I will for sure switch to that and move forward with more testing. Even if I don’t move forward with Josh’s insurance that I will do the testing for Endometriosis for my own sanity. I have this gut feeling that is what it is and I’m hoping(and not hoping) that I am right. I think I am almost leaning on that diagnosis just so I have an answer. Infertility because of Endometriosis is better than Unexplained Infertility. We will just have to wait and see.

0

With Good Times Come Bad Times

One month down(just finished my period). One and a half to go. January can’t come soon enough so we can get this baby train going. I have been good this month. I haven’t been reading up, researching, thinking about anything baby related. But with that I haven’t been on here as well. I apologize for not being as supportive. I hope that all is well with the pregnant ones and the soon-to-be pregnant ones. I am happy to see mostly happy news on here. We have just been going with the flow and it has been good so far. I got a promotion at my job(and a raise) which will require me to travel a little more but I will be working closer to my husband so we can car pool when the weather gets bad. Ohio has some unpredictable snow days and I get panic attacks when I have to drive in really bad weather. Overall its a very good thing. I applied for my benefits at work and I need to call them to find out what is covered since the provider changed. But again, trying to hold off on that. A lot has been going on this last month as well.

Em* had her baby boy. Big Ol’ 9LB boy. He’s adorable.

Lynn* is going to start IUI. =] So excited for her.

Amber* is huge with her twin boys.

I’ve been hanging out with Em* a lot too. She is my best friend and best friends with my husband as well. One day before the baby came we took my step daughter, her daughter, and the husbands to a pumpkin patch. It was freezing out but we had a good time. $21 dollars for a stupid hay ride, we couldn’t do the corn maze or the kid play areas because it had rained the day before, and the pumpkins were purchased by weight so they were stupid expensive. We ended up going to Sam’s Club and buying pumpkins there. BUT the entire time we were at the Pumpkin Patch and when we went to Sam’s Club this little girl only wanted me to hold her. I WAS LOVING IT!!! Any time anyone tried to take her from me to hold her she shook her head at them and said, “Noooo.” It was adorable. I loved feeling her little hands holding on to my shoulder and her smile each time we would see a balloon or a big pumpkin. It was a very good day. One of the better ones during this last month. Once Em* had her baby I was nervous on how I would feel and surprisingly her pregnancy/birth wasn’t negative for me at all. I was expecting sadness once the baby came. Seeing my husband holding him, me holding him, his little cries and adorable faces but I was unbelievably overjoyed for Em* and her husband. This baby is so stinking cute and I can’t wait to see him and his 1 year old sister together.

Now this last weekend wasn’t as good for me. I worked six days and was exhausted by Saturday(and I started my period). But that day we had our friends’ (Erin* and Al*)son’s 3rd birthday party. We got the present together and were on our way to the party. There where a lot of people and kids everywhere. The kids mostly belonged to Erin’s* sister, 4 from 7 years old to 1 years old. After all the birthday festivities the birthday boy’s older brother and some of the other kids where going to an open skate at an ice skating rink to practice because he had just started hockey. At the house Al* stayed behind with myself, Josh, then some of the kids: the birthday boy and 3 of the sisters kids(a 6 year old girl, 3 year old girl, and the 1 year old boy) The 1 year boy was a sleep when everyone left and the parents said that he would stay asleep the whole time. Well, the other children where playing loud so that little boy woke up. He was scared, tired, and mom and dad weren’t there so he was freaking out. He was screaming and crying so hard. Al* was trying to help but wasn’t getting anywhere so I asked if I could try. I held the little guy and took him into the kitchen away from all the noise. I bounced around that kitchen softly telling the boy how good he was until he rested his head on my shoulder. He kept looking up at me and then his eyes would slowly start to shut.  I never felt that feeling before and I can’t even explain what it was. He gradually drifted asleep and I was so elated that it was me that got this boy to calm down and sleep. After the elated feeling hit its peak I then felt immense sorrow. It could have been due to the extra hormones but I was almost driven to tears. Why can’t this be my son/ daughter. I stared at him with a pain in me that I thought would never go away. Then I heard the front door open. The little boy stayed asleep but then the dogs barked so he was awake. I handed him off to his mother even though I didn’t want to. The rest of the night I just hoped that she would ask me to hold him so she could go to the bathroom, get some food, something. It never happened. The mother kept saying, “they just know, babies know.” Know what? That I’m a Mom that got him to fall asleep. Because thats how I take it. The childless mother was able to get the baby to sleep. I was depressed the rest of the night. Once we left and almost home my husband was talking about how cute I looked holding the baby and that I did so good with him. I did not want to hear that. I told him, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was that.  The next day was awful. My period was in full swing with unbearable cramps and an emotional downslide that crippled me for the day. I laid in bed for 4 hours only to get up to use the restroom and get a drink because my body required it. We had to go grocery shopping and I put on the facade to complete that task. By the end of the day I was back to normal. It was a rough 24 hours and I was glad when it was over. But it does make me want to do the research and the appointments sooner rather the later. I am going to force myself to wait until January but 2015 is the start of something good for us. It has to be.

4

Give Me a Break…Unfortunately

My weekend was fantastic…not really! Saturday my friend was having a party and we were getting ready to go. I found out my period had started the worst possible way, with my husband, that was extremely humiliating and embarrassing. Then I am leaving the bedroom and find out that my laundry room is flooded by my hot water tank that decided to break. Appropriately, we spent our Saturday night cleaning our laundry room. Sunday morning we ran to Home Depot to get a new tank and find out about installs. The extremely helpful worker told us”….I’m not sure but if you call the number on the box(proceeds to look at the box) 1-800-homedepot they should be able to help.” While we are still in the store I call the number. I get to an associate who starts taking my information after I tell him what I am looking to do. After he takes my information I ask him for prices for the install and he says,” I don’t have an answer for that but I can take down your number and have them call you with an answer…they will probably call you sometime tomorrow after, like, 5pm. It would probably be better for you to just call back tomorrow.” I tell my husband that and he asks if there is any way we can just get an appointment and go from there. I ask the gentleman on the phone that and he says, “I actually can’t set up appointment but I can put you in the system and they can contact you for appointment times tomorrow or you can just call tomorrow, that will be faster anyway.” Well, thanks for all of your help mister man on the phone. We then buy the tank and some supplies to head home. Josh thinks he can figure it out but it was more then he could bargain for. We contact my step dad who came over to help us out(Thank God!) Unfortunately, we all missed the whole Browns VS Steelers Game…but at least we won!!!!! Thankfully, I had Monday off for the bank Holiday so I was able to catch up on my laundry. It was a great weekend.

Saturday I started, kind of. I wasn’t supposed to start until Wednesday. It abruptly showed up(unwanted) for Saturday night, was gone Sunday, then came back with a vengeance today. My back starting right below my shoulders down to the lower back is killing me. I have a headache and my right side is kind of bugging me as well. The joys of being a lady, Im over it!

As I have stated before, this was out last round of Clomid. No more Clomid. So, what’s next? Well, My plan is simple. I am taking a break from all this through the Holidays. I want to focus on paying down so medical and dental bills that have accrued over the last year. If and when we decide to move forward with insemination or other testing or whatever its going to be expensive. We might as well start paying some things down over these next 3-4 months while we don’t have anything going on. My next major dentist appointment is already scheduled for the end of January and we can just continue with my testing in February. During that time I am going to focus on ME…and my house. We still need a new roof which is priority #1 with the house. Then the other things: New carpet, new bed, new furniture, painting, etc. Repairing a house is a never ending battle. In January or maybe even February I will contact my GYNO to ask her for some test to be done. I am going to do more research but I heard that getting the same procedure done by an RE or an GYNO, it is cheaper by the GYNO. If any of you know if thats true let me know? I want to get the testing for Endo and I would like my Thyroid checked as well. My Mother-in-law, who is a nurse, suggested that because of my concern with my weight gain. During this break I am considering getting a second opinion on my situation as well(RE or GYNO). My Mother-in-Law also agrees with that. My husband doesn’t agree but said that I can do what I want. I might look into more at the facility I go to now or I may use a different one. That I am not sure of as well. I am basically going to be doing research on my break and making decisions after the Holidays. I am also going to track my periods too but no ovulation kits, pregnancy test(unless really late), and trying not to plan sex. I don’t think that will be a problem but sometime both myself and my husband catch ourselves counting when we should even before we were on Clomid.

I am sad. I was crying on the way home yesterday and almost broke down at work today when a customer brought in her 9 week old baby girl. Its rough knowing that Im still not pregnant 2 years later. Yet another Holiday season with no baby, baby bump, or baby announcement. My birthday is in December as well and it would be the ultimate present to get pregnant, to know Im going to be a mom. That’s all I want is to be a mom. Therefore, to make that happen I have to get it together. Any advice on that feel free to share. I am up for any suggestions at this point. Send good vibes my way because during this break of mine my best friend Em* is going to have her baby, her sister-in-law is going to have her baby, I just found out another friend is pregnant, and Amber* is going to have her twins. I will be surrounded and though I am thrilled for all of them it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Send this girl some strength!