5

Holidaze

Lets get this out of the way: I had my period the beginning of December. Now that THAT is out of the way; November and December haven’t been to bad. They have had their downs FOR SURE but nothing crazy! November was exhausting from my promotion at work. There is never enough time in the day to do anything. I struggle each day to accomplish everything that needs to be done. In November I was working at 2 different locations for most of the month so that made things even more difficult. My Husband bought me flowers, which he rarely ever does, AND he had them delivered to my work(Bonus Point). Josh has never done that for me before so it was truly amazing. During that time my good friend Lynn*, had a polyps removed from her uterus so hopefully she can get back to the TTC game. In, November we spent a lot of time with Em* and her 2 amazing kids; almost every weekend. It was great I adore that family. November is mostly a blur. But then December…Winter is Coming….(Sorry I’m not sorry for saying that)

December was positive until the end. December flew by and as everyone said, “with Thanksgiving being late it made December and Christmas seem earlier then expected.” So True! We struggled to get all the presents bought this year for everyone. I also took a trip to Columbus to watch my brother get sworn in to be a Police Officer which was a great way to start off my December. For whatever reason, I was feeling extremely optimistic about ovulation and this cycle. I have no medical reason to feel that way but I did. Maybe it was the Christmas spirit(I love Christmas time.) I don’t know but in my mind it was going to be good. “It’s the end of the year and now is the time. This is going to happen!” That was what I was saying to myself all the time. All was well, feeling positive, Christmas shopping and Christmas was in full swing. I came home one day after work and came on here to read up on all the blogs. My phone had died at work, was on silent, and I forgot to plug it in when I got home. I was watching my Criminal Minds on Netflix and reading blogs. I was starting to get a mild headache(I was REALLY behind on the blogs,  I am a slow reader, so I had been on here for about two hours) I decided to jump over to off the blogs and look at Facebook for a minute before bed at around 1030PM. I was glancing through when I saw a post from my cousin. I skimmed over the post and was reading about sorrow, how strong my grandma was, the multiple medical problems and surgeries, and how my grandma and his mom(who passed away 3 years ago) dancing together now….WHAT? WAIT…WHAT HAPPEN? My grandma has been in a nursing home for a while with medical problems so its not like this was out of nowhere but we where hoping for her to make it through the holidays. I run to my phone with adrenaline racing through my body. I grab my phone and have 4 missed calls from my dad, 1 from my cousin, 1 from my cousins wife, and 1 from my mom. I go to listen to my dads voicemail and my phone dies. I am then racing around the house frantically searching for my phone charger. I finally find it and call my dad back. I simply begin the conversation with, “I think I know what happened.” His voice was full of pain. He explained his side of the story. The grandma was feeling great so they did some legal stuff, sent out her Christmas cards, and she was getting ready for the Christmas party the nursing home she was in was throwing that night. My dad had some running around to do so he said he would come back to take her later. He then got the call and her heart had stopped. It was running at 40% for a while so once it stopped there was no starting it back up. I just wanted to get off the phone. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or function or think or breath. I just wanted to cry. So, we hung up and thats what I did. My husband was asleep and is a heavy sleeper so he had no clue what was going on. I then decide to call my Cousin’s Wife to talk. She is an amazing person and adore her. We connect on a different level because she also had TTC difficulties but after a year and a half she has a beautiful baby boy. Once she answered the phone and asked how I was doing I lost it. We were discussing details and trying to figure things out. After that day everything went down hill from there.

My grandma passed away on Wednesday December 17, 2014. Thursday I drove down to Akron to help my dad figure out when the Funeral and Wake would be, get her an outfit, write the obituary, and whatever else needed to be done. It was a very rough day trying to get my dad to make any decisions. I can empathize that this was my dad’s last living immediate relative besides myself that has passed: His father, Sister, and Mother have all died. This has to be extremely difficult. But he also made things extremely difficult for everyone else. He would not decide on when to have the funeral and wake. During that time because my other cousin wasn’t responding to my dad so he said he wouldn’t decide on a day until he heard from that other cousin. My cousins live in Florida so my father was trying to accommodate them. I told my dad that since he hasn’t got back to any of us just pick a day and he can figure it out. Its now “Friday night, lets get this going, he’s just dodging you” My dad then said, “What, like you where dodging me the night she died?” I LOST MY S#%T!!!!!!!! I started screaming at my dad. Are you kidding me? Thats what you think I was doing? I understand we don’t have a great relationship but you think I was avoiding the four phone calls and voicemails? You think I was “dodging” you  when I helped pick out her outfit, write the obituary, and give you days to do this…thats me avoiding you? I cursed and yelled and I know that I probably shouldn’t have with the mental state I could imagine that he was in. He was trying to laugh it off like it was a joke. I told him, “Don’t laugh its not funny, don’t ever compare me like that. You have no right! I did nothing wrong because my phone was dead, it was not a malicious thing I was doing on purpose because I knew what was going on. Don’t you ever talk to me like that again!” And insert cursing wherever it fits…or doesn’t!

Luckily my step daughters band concert was in the middle of all that so I got a small release. A small escape from the negative world I was surrounded by. Needless to say I messed around with my husband Saturday night and Sunday morning(the day of the wake) to blood…on CD15…11(ish) days early. WHAT? I was freaking out so I instantly started texting nurse friends and other friends to find out what they think. Most thought it was that I was pregnant. I was trying to stay realistic about it but I found myself getting excited…in-between the awful cramps I was experiencing. After talking with other people they said stress which I had plenty of. I got it together and went to the wake. I called my doctor the next day and they confirmed. STRESS. “If it stays longer, more painful, more blood, etc. go to the doctor.” I got my “random period” as the doctor called it. So, much for my positive attitude, its going to happen, “we got this” kind of attitude. After having my grandma’s funeral on my 27th birthday and my random period I have decided 2014 Sucked!!!! I had a wonderful Christmas but besides that I AM OVER IT! To new beginnings and a wonderful 2015. May the TTC train end this year for all of us and we get to the Baby Station in 2015. I am going to blog more often. Today was a more personal update but I will get back to the TTC Blog! Glad to see that most of you are doing well!

0

Updating myself

I have spent the last few days trying to get up to date on all of you! I have been trying to do this so I can type an update about myself. I am hoping to do it tonight or tomorrow for sure. I’m happy to see most of your pregnant updates and the few I am following that are still in the TTC journey with me. I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas! I will have more to come very soon.

0

With Good Times Come Bad Times

One month down(just finished my period). One and a half to go. January can’t come soon enough so we can get this baby train going. I have been good this month. I haven’t been reading up, researching, thinking about anything baby related. But with that I haven’t been on here as well. I apologize for not being as supportive. I hope that all is well with the pregnant ones and the soon-to-be pregnant ones. I am happy to see mostly happy news on here. We have just been going with the flow and it has been good so far. I got a promotion at my job(and a raise) which will require me to travel a little more but I will be working closer to my husband so we can car pool when the weather gets bad. Ohio has some unpredictable snow days and I get panic attacks when I have to drive in really bad weather. Overall its a very good thing. I applied for my benefits at work and I need to call them to find out what is covered since the provider changed. But again, trying to hold off on that. A lot has been going on this last month as well.

Em* had her baby boy. Big Ol’ 9LB boy. He’s adorable.

Lynn* is going to start IUI. =] So excited for her.

Amber* is huge with her twin boys.

I’ve been hanging out with Em* a lot too. She is my best friend and best friends with my husband as well. One day before the baby came we took my step daughter, her daughter, and the husbands to a pumpkin patch. It was freezing out but we had a good time. $21 dollars for a stupid hay ride, we couldn’t do the corn maze or the kid play areas because it had rained the day before, and the pumpkins were purchased by weight so they were stupid expensive. We ended up going to Sam’s Club and buying pumpkins there. BUT the entire time we were at the Pumpkin Patch and when we went to Sam’s Club this little girl only wanted me to hold her. I WAS LOVING IT!!! Any time anyone tried to take her from me to hold her she shook her head at them and said, “Noooo.” It was adorable. I loved feeling her little hands holding on to my shoulder and her smile each time we would see a balloon or a big pumpkin. It was a very good day. One of the better ones during this last month. Once Em* had her baby I was nervous on how I would feel and surprisingly her pregnancy/birth wasn’t negative for me at all. I was expecting sadness once the baby came. Seeing my husband holding him, me holding him, his little cries and adorable faces but I was unbelievably overjoyed for Em* and her husband. This baby is so stinking cute and I can’t wait to see him and his 1 year old sister together.

Now this last weekend wasn’t as good for me. I worked six days and was exhausted by Saturday(and I started my period). But that day we had our friends’ (Erin* and Al*)son’s 3rd birthday party. We got the present together and were on our way to the party. There where a lot of people and kids everywhere. The kids mostly belonged to Erin’s* sister, 4 from 7 years old to 1 years old. After all the birthday festivities the birthday boy’s older brother and some of the other kids where going to an open skate at an ice skating rink to practice because he had just started hockey. At the house Al* stayed behind with myself, Josh, then some of the kids: the birthday boy and 3 of the sisters kids(a 6 year old girl, 3 year old girl, and the 1 year old boy) The 1 year boy was a sleep when everyone left and the parents said that he would stay asleep the whole time. Well, the other children where playing loud so that little boy woke up. He was scared, tired, and mom and dad weren’t there so he was freaking out. He was screaming and crying so hard. Al* was trying to help but wasn’t getting anywhere so I asked if I could try. I held the little guy and took him into the kitchen away from all the noise. I bounced around that kitchen softly telling the boy how good he was until he rested his head on my shoulder. He kept looking up at me and then his eyes would slowly start to shut.  I never felt that feeling before and I can’t even explain what it was. He gradually drifted asleep and I was so elated that it was me that got this boy to calm down and sleep. After the elated feeling hit its peak I then felt immense sorrow. It could have been due to the extra hormones but I was almost driven to tears. Why can’t this be my son/ daughter. I stared at him with a pain in me that I thought would never go away. Then I heard the front door open. The little boy stayed asleep but then the dogs barked so he was awake. I handed him off to his mother even though I didn’t want to. The rest of the night I just hoped that she would ask me to hold him so she could go to the bathroom, get some food, something. It never happened. The mother kept saying, “they just know, babies know.” Know what? That I’m a Mom that got him to fall asleep. Because thats how I take it. The childless mother was able to get the baby to sleep. I was depressed the rest of the night. Once we left and almost home my husband was talking about how cute I looked holding the baby and that I did so good with him. I did not want to hear that. I told him, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was that.  The next day was awful. My period was in full swing with unbearable cramps and an emotional downslide that crippled me for the day. I laid in bed for 4 hours only to get up to use the restroom and get a drink because my body required it. We had to go grocery shopping and I put on the facade to complete that task. By the end of the day I was back to normal. It was a rough 24 hours and I was glad when it was over. But it does make me want to do the research and the appointments sooner rather the later. I am going to force myself to wait until January but 2015 is the start of something good for us. It has to be.

4

Give Me a Break…Unfortunately

My weekend was fantastic…not really! Saturday my friend was having a party and we were getting ready to go. I found out my period had started the worst possible way, with my husband, that was extremely humiliating and embarrassing. Then I am leaving the bedroom and find out that my laundry room is flooded by my hot water tank that decided to break. Appropriately, we spent our Saturday night cleaning our laundry room. Sunday morning we ran to Home Depot to get a new tank and find out about installs. The extremely helpful worker told us”….I’m not sure but if you call the number on the box(proceeds to look at the box) 1-800-homedepot they should be able to help.” While we are still in the store I call the number. I get to an associate who starts taking my information after I tell him what I am looking to do. After he takes my information I ask him for prices for the install and he says,” I don’t have an answer for that but I can take down your number and have them call you with an answer…they will probably call you sometime tomorrow after, like, 5pm. It would probably be better for you to just call back tomorrow.” I tell my husband that and he asks if there is any way we can just get an appointment and go from there. I ask the gentleman on the phone that and he says, “I actually can’t set up appointment but I can put you in the system and they can contact you for appointment times tomorrow or you can just call tomorrow, that will be faster anyway.” Well, thanks for all of your help mister man on the phone. We then buy the tank and some supplies to head home. Josh thinks he can figure it out but it was more then he could bargain for. We contact my step dad who came over to help us out(Thank God!) Unfortunately, we all missed the whole Browns VS Steelers Game…but at least we won!!!!! Thankfully, I had Monday off for the bank Holiday so I was able to catch up on my laundry. It was a great weekend.

Saturday I started, kind of. I wasn’t supposed to start until Wednesday. It abruptly showed up(unwanted) for Saturday night, was gone Sunday, then came back with a vengeance today. My back starting right below my shoulders down to the lower back is killing me. I have a headache and my right side is kind of bugging me as well. The joys of being a lady, Im over it!

As I have stated before, this was out last round of Clomid. No more Clomid. So, what’s next? Well, My plan is simple. I am taking a break from all this through the Holidays. I want to focus on paying down so medical and dental bills that have accrued over the last year. If and when we decide to move forward with insemination or other testing or whatever its going to be expensive. We might as well start paying some things down over these next 3-4 months while we don’t have anything going on. My next major dentist appointment is already scheduled for the end of January and we can just continue with my testing in February. During that time I am going to focus on ME…and my house. We still need a new roof which is priority #1 with the house. Then the other things: New carpet, new bed, new furniture, painting, etc. Repairing a house is a never ending battle. In January or maybe even February I will contact my GYNO to ask her for some test to be done. I am going to do more research but I heard that getting the same procedure done by an RE or an GYNO, it is cheaper by the GYNO. If any of you know if thats true let me know? I want to get the testing for Endo and I would like my Thyroid checked as well. My Mother-in-law, who is a nurse, suggested that because of my concern with my weight gain. During this break I am considering getting a second opinion on my situation as well(RE or GYNO). My Mother-in-Law also agrees with that. My husband doesn’t agree but said that I can do what I want. I might look into more at the facility I go to now or I may use a different one. That I am not sure of as well. I am basically going to be doing research on my break and making decisions after the Holidays. I am also going to track my periods too but no ovulation kits, pregnancy test(unless really late), and trying not to plan sex. I don’t think that will be a problem but sometime both myself and my husband catch ourselves counting when we should even before we were on Clomid.

I am sad. I was crying on the way home yesterday and almost broke down at work today when a customer brought in her 9 week old baby girl. Its rough knowing that Im still not pregnant 2 years later. Yet another Holiday season with no baby, baby bump, or baby announcement. My birthday is in December as well and it would be the ultimate present to get pregnant, to know Im going to be a mom. That’s all I want is to be a mom. Therefore, to make that happen I have to get it together. Any advice on that feel free to share. I am up for any suggestions at this point. Send good vibes my way because during this break of mine my best friend Em* is going to have her baby, her sister-in-law is going to have her baby, I just found out another friend is pregnant, and Amber* is going to have her twins. I will be surrounded and though I am thrilled for all of them it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Send this girl some strength!