0

More Results Are In

We got the Semen Analysis back and the results where not as planned.

On Thursday I called the doctor, behind Josh’s back, to see if the results were in yet. The Nurse said they were and she would have the doctor call Josh. I told Josh that and he text me shortly before he got off work to tell me he heard from the doctor. I asked, ” Good or Bad News?” He responded with, “Both”. I had been freaking out most of the day and was feeling a little better once I saw the word both. Josh was asking where I wanted to go to dinner because we were going out. I was curious by this because either things are good or bad. He finally got off work and called me. He then said, ” Well, the results…” I was confused, ” Oh, we are doing this now? OK…what did he say?” So He told me that he count dropped again to 2 Million now. He said his motility went up and the doctor wants a blood test to see where his testosterone is at. If that went down or remained the same that isn’t good. If it went up its a good sign. We have to wait for those results. He said that the doctor said that we may be able to do IUI which I know is not true. The 2 doctors I have dealt with at 2 different facilities require a minimum of 8-15 Million. Both a lot higher than what we are working with. The doctor also said to continue taking the vitamins in the mean time. I asked what the next steps could be? Josh said he kind of stopped listening after he heard his count went down again but, “from the sounds of it, there isn’t much more after this. Something about freezing them that might help if it gets too low.” I started crying in the car while driving to the restaurant. We obviously decided not to go after that. I finally got Josh off the phone so I could have a melt down. All I was thinking was that we aren’t going to be able to have children. It scared the Hell out of me. We talked it over a little over a few days. We said that we will get all the results and send them to the RE to tell us out options. I am hoping we can do this over the phone and they don’t make us wait for an appointment to go to the office to sit with her. If we aren’t sure of what options we are given we will seek a second option. From there we were also talking a lot about adoption. We are both very open to it. I told Josh that I would need to grieve if we can’t have children together but I am very open to adoption.

I am still processing the information. Honestly, I am a bit of a mess. Every time I think about it I get emotional. Whether its crying, becoming silent, shutting down, not talking, avoiding people….or all of it. I try to joke and laugh it off but every once in a while I can’t. I am a very positive person but with this. It hurts me and I can’t be myself. I don’t have an answer to focus my energy on. The WHAT IF is killing me and I will feel so much better once we know our options. Until then I just have to work on feeling like myself again. Josh has also been amazing. When I try to ask how he is feeling he goes SPOCK on me and asked about me instead. He keeps saying, ” I am worried about you because I want this but I know you REALLY want this.” He feels bad about the situation. I try to remind him that this isn’t his fault, he didn’t do this on purpose and it isn’t HIS FAULT. We are in this together. But He’s not really hearing me. I am hoping, sometime soon, I can get some emotion out of him to know how he is really feeling about this whole thing.

To sum things up: We don’t have any official numbers yet but we know Josh’s Count dropped from 4.5 Million to 2 Million and his motility went up.  Waiting for results to talk to the RE.

PCOS3

2

Updates and Public Posting

I have accomplished a lot over the last month. I got it together.

I contacted my Insurance that I have through my new job. To sum it up. I have a high deductible HSA Account which means that I have to pay out of pocket for everything or with my Health Saving Account until i hit my deductible. Infertility is not covered….except the usual diagnosis and treatment. As in, if I have Endo, the diagnosis of that and the treatment of the Endo is covered. BUT not anything that will help us get pregnant: meds, appointments, nothing. Great!

I started going to the gym again. It has been a slow process but I am back. I feel so good after I go which makes me excited to continue.

I also decided to get a second opinion and see a different doctor. I believe that there was a lot of miscommunication with my first RE. That made me uneasy to continue the process with her. I know a friend that is seeing her with no problems. I spoke with 2 separate friends about this. The first friend is seeing an RE at the same facility that I have been going to: it’s just a different RE. Lynn* is the other friends I have been speaking with who is seeing a RE at a completely different facility then what I was at now. Lynn’s* process with this doctor has been awesome which makes me very optimistic about her. I set up at Appointment with this doctor for May 18th.

I also started spotting today; VERY VERY Lightly. Barely anything. but it started. I am not supposed to start until Sunday…Mother’s Day. Yea, thats happening. I am spotting 5 days early. I am trying to tell myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is implantation. At the same time I am telling myself, “Don’t get your hopes up!” I also woke up extremely nauseous. All day, all I have been thinking about is this spotting. This is the worst part of the journey. The uncertainties. I haven’t started yet but there is a little brown. Which could be me starting OR it could be me getting pregnant. I am not taking a test until a week after I am supposed to start. So I will test on May 17tth or May 16th. The latest my period has been before is 3 days. I am hoping that IF I am not pregnant that it comes on Sunday or the day after. Obviously I don’t want to start on Mother’s Day but I just want consistency, which is not an option with TTC.

I also posted a lot on my Facebook and Instagram during National Infertility Week. I posted ecards, links about infertility, or quotes about what Infertility and how this effects us emotionally. With that I was essentially making it known that Josh and I were struggling with this disease. I posted everyday during that week, sometimes multiple posts. I also got an overwhelming amount of positive feedback from people. Every post got so many “Likes” as well as positive comments. I also received five different messages and two different text of people giving us well wishes, sending prayers, letting me know they are there for us, or asking me questions about what I have been going through. I was elated. I knew there was a reason that I decided to open up about infertility. I knew that when I started aggressively posting things that it was going to draw attention to me but I was prepared for that and for negativity. And it didn’t happen. Lynn* also publicly posted her blog on Facebook. I was so surprised. I thought she was so strong for being able to post something so personal. It made me want to post mine. I was intimidated to post something so personal, it made me very vulnerable, and couldn’t believe that she posted hers. To explain a little, her blog is mostly medical. It does have some emotional aspects to it but not as much venting as mine does. I took some time to myself to read over my blog again. I examined it, walked away for a bit, examined it again, and did some editing. I didn’t do a lot of editing but there were some things about others that I took out. It was not my place to put other people business out there. The people that I do talk about I asked them to read it to verify that it was ok I posted it. I decided to post it to Facebook. After reading this I think that it will be on there. I spoke with my husband about it and all he said was, “Does it have all our sex stuff on it?” which means that he is OK with it. I know that there will be people that feel negatively about this and will have their opinions. As all of us know, we deal with this all the time. I can handle that and accept that I am opening myself up to it even more by posting this. BUT I also know that by opening up about our struggles and showing the raw emotions I feel that it can potentially help others. Others that feel alone, experience the Taboo of Infertility, or don’t have anyone to talk to about this   disease. So, here it goes. Things are getting real; Get ready because I am in it to win it! Time to get this baby train going.

2

Why Did You Do That Dove?

If you are like everyone else is the world I am assuming most of you saw that Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl comes the commercials. There were a lot of serious commercials and some funny ones as well. I liked the BMW i3 commercial and the Fiat one with the Viagra pill. Both cute commercials to lighten the intense game. The Nationwide commercial was extreme for me but definitely memorable, probably what they were going for. Obviously we have Budweiser. That dog…gets me every time! Josh said last years commercial was better but I thought this year Budweiser did just as well. I teared up, that little guy could have been eaten if it wasn’t for those Clydesdales. For me the most memorable commercial was Doves. Now most people probably wouldn’t say that or even remember the commercial compared to the others. Watching the TV intently through the commercials and I see this adorable baby jumping into Daddy’s arms in a pool. Then they continue with another adorable baby calling to Daddy…and it goes on and on with that.

Once that ultrasound was up I started to tear up, then the girl hugs her dad crying and I was done. I tried to hide it but Josh was sitting in the chair next to me and knew. He got out of the chair and crawled over to me. He hugged me and just asked the obvious question, “What’s wrong babe?” I tried to pull myself together but the second he hugged me and I felt his embrace the tears were flowing. “I want to give you a baby that can call Daddy out to you.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said ,”You will”. At that point the game came back on and I was doing everything to get him to his chair so I could pick up the pieces this Dove commercial crumbled for me. I said, “The game is back on….you are going to miss it.”  He held me tight and said, “I don’t care.” It was so sweet for him to drop everything except me. I love him so much it is unbelievable. He may not be that emotional or say all the gushing things but when it comes down to it he really tries to be that sensitive guy with the shoulder I need. He has been wonderful through this and I really am grateful for him.

Since I have been taking the OPK I have had nothing but BFN and its become a little frustrating. With this stupid app that I have it showed today as my last ovulation day and nothing. Now, when I took my temperature it showed that I ovulate late. I am hoping that I ovulate closer to CD 17-19. Seeing as CD 12-16 don’t feel like working with me. Another Josh moment I adore. As we were talking about this yesterday he was asking if its possible for me to not ovulate. I respond with a Yes. He then asked what would happen if I didn’t. I explained that it depends on what corse we/the doctors want to take. I could be but on Meds or need shots or nothing. Josh responded with a simple, “OK, I have no problem giving you shots if that’s what you need.” Thanks for that because I don’t think I could do it myself.

Today it decided to down pour some snow on to us Ohioans so when Josh and I spoke this morning it was about our awful drives to work and just making sure we both made it ok. I then get a random text from Josh in the middle of the day that said, “A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. Mind Blown.” I call him, “…someone has been doing some reading.” We simply chuckle at each other. He said that he had been thinking about it and decided to do some reading. He found that I could be ovulating right before my period “so maybe it was bad timing.” I hate that phrase but for once he could be right. We would never mess around close to my period for the messy reasons that we don’t want to happen. Who knows(I will in a few days, hopefully) maybe I could ovulate later then the usual Joe! Lets all hope for some BFP in the future, this girl needs to ovulate!

1

Grey’s Gets Me Every Time

For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy(I’m sorry that you aren’t living your life to the fullest) there is a couple on the show, Jackson and April that are pregnant. On the last episode we were informed that the baby had a rare birth defect that would cause the baby to maybe only live a few days after it is born, if that. Horrible news for anyone to have to take in. April found out about it and was trying to work all day to keep her mind off what was going on. To help people and have control over some kind of situation. On this episode there was a mom that caused a accident that hurt a lot of people; she drove herself and her kids off a bridge. They found out the mom had a tumor which is what caused her abnormal behavior. But all day April was livid with this mother and what she did to her children. This was April’s breakdown at the end of the episode

WHY?

You can do everything right and it doesn’t even….

WHY?

I am sure we have all said that numerous times. To ourselves, to others, or just on here. Just to get it out, just to say the words. WHY? Why us? Why me? I try to understand and comprehend why this is happening to me on almost a daily basis. As a religious person I even say what April says, “why would God let that happen”.  I am not saying I am perfect but I am not a bad person. Why can’t we have a baby? Why do we have to struggle with this? I want to understand and I want an explanation for the obstacles that we have to jump through. April, holding her belly and saying Why just crushed me. And as Jackson said, “I don’t know”. It is the worst answer but it is the one that we all hear. There is no one that can answer the question Why so we have to settle for “I don’t know” as the answer to our questions. But the next part is what we all need to remember ,” but whatever you need I am here.” There is always someone. Whether there are multiple someones or just one…remember that. There is nothing wrong with breaking down. I am a person that does that in private or at least I try to. Last week I had a moment in public though and it was difficult.

Josh and I were finally able to go to one of my step daughter’s basketball games. They are Fridays at 6pm and working at a bank doesn’t really make it possible for me to go. This week her game got pushed back so we could go. We walk in and are greeted by my husband’s Ex Wife’s Dad who told us that the other game was almost over so my step daughter was up next. It was crazy in there from a game that was currently going on. Once that game ended we found a seat on the bleachers. Across the gym was where Josh’s Ex was sitting and we didn’t realize that until we sat down. She came over with her 1 year old daughter to give us my step daughters basketball pictures. Her daughter is adorable. While she was chatting with us her daughter laid her head on her moms shoulder. My heart melted. We all know that is probably the one thing that we all want. I was fine at that point, no big deal, just an adorable baby cuddling with her mom. They go back to the other side of the gym to sit with there stuff. After about 15 minutes I look back over to her. I see the baby sit up then fall into her mom and she just held that baby with all her might. I started to tear up. I was so jealous. This woman not only has a child with my husband but has a baby as well. At that point she had everything that I wanted, everything that I have been wanting for the last 2 years and 4 months. I didn’t look at Josh. I avoided eye contact at all cost. After one tear fell I knew I needed to get it together. I didn’t want my step daughter to see me that way, my husband, or his ex wife. So, I took a few deep breaths, focused on the game, and didn’t look at her for the rest of the game.

I am just grateful that weekend is in the past. Keeping the Dream Baby in mind I am happy for this weekend. I am going to a movie with my mom and step dad tomorrow. After that we are having a game night with Em*, her husband, his sister, her husband, and their kids. Then Sunday is the Super Bowl so we are going to a friends house to watch that. AND I got the job!!! YAY! I still have to put in my 2 weeks in but it was nice to start the weekend with great news! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

5

Holidaze

Lets get this out of the way: I had my period the beginning of December. Now that THAT is out of the way; November and December haven’t been to bad. They have had their downs FOR SURE but nothing crazy! November was exhausting from my promotion at work. There is never enough time in the day to do anything. I struggle each day to accomplish everything that needs to be done. In November I was working at 2 different locations for most of the month so that made things even more difficult. My Husband bought me flowers, which he rarely ever does, AND he had them delivered to my work(Bonus Point). Josh has never done that for me before so it was truly amazing. During that time my good friend Lynn*, had a polyps removed from her uterus so hopefully she can get back to the TTC game. In, November we spent a lot of time with Em* and her 2 amazing kids; almost every weekend. It was great I adore that family. November is mostly a blur. But then December…Winter is Coming….(Sorry I’m not sorry for saying that)

December was positive until the end. December flew by and as everyone said, “with Thanksgiving being late it made December and Christmas seem earlier then expected.” So True! We struggled to get all the presents bought this year for everyone. I also took a trip to Columbus to watch my brother get sworn in to be a Police Officer which was a great way to start off my December. For whatever reason, I was feeling extremely optimistic about ovulation and this cycle. I have no medical reason to feel that way but I did. Maybe it was the Christmas spirit(I love Christmas time.) I don’t know but in my mind it was going to be good. “It’s the end of the year and now is the time. This is going to happen!” That was what I was saying to myself all the time. All was well, feeling positive, Christmas shopping and Christmas was in full swing. I came home one day after work and came on here to read up on all the blogs. My phone had died at work, was on silent, and I forgot to plug it in when I got home. I was watching my Criminal Minds on Netflix and reading blogs. I was starting to get a mild headache(I was REALLY behind on the blogs,  I am a slow reader, so I had been on here for about two hours) I decided to jump over to off the blogs and look at Facebook for a minute before bed at around 1030PM. I was glancing through when I saw a post from my cousin. I skimmed over the post and was reading about sorrow, how strong my grandma was, the multiple medical problems and surgeries, and how my grandma and his mom(who passed away 3 years ago) dancing together now….WHAT? WAIT…WHAT HAPPEN? My grandma has been in a nursing home for a while with medical problems so its not like this was out of nowhere but we where hoping for her to make it through the holidays. I run to my phone with adrenaline racing through my body. I grab my phone and have 4 missed calls from my dad, 1 from my cousin, 1 from my cousins wife, and 1 from my mom. I go to listen to my dads voicemail and my phone dies. I am then racing around the house frantically searching for my phone charger. I finally find it and call my dad back. I simply begin the conversation with, “I think I know what happened.” His voice was full of pain. He explained his side of the story. The grandma was feeling great so they did some legal stuff, sent out her Christmas cards, and she was getting ready for the Christmas party the nursing home she was in was throwing that night. My dad had some running around to do so he said he would come back to take her later. He then got the call and her heart had stopped. It was running at 40% for a while so once it stopped there was no starting it back up. I just wanted to get off the phone. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or function or think or breath. I just wanted to cry. So, we hung up and thats what I did. My husband was asleep and is a heavy sleeper so he had no clue what was going on. I then decide to call my Cousin’s Wife to talk. She is an amazing person and adore her. We connect on a different level because she also had TTC difficulties but after a year and a half she has a beautiful baby boy. Once she answered the phone and asked how I was doing I lost it. We were discussing details and trying to figure things out. After that day everything went down hill from there.

My grandma passed away on Wednesday December 17, 2014. Thursday I drove down to Akron to help my dad figure out when the Funeral and Wake would be, get her an outfit, write the obituary, and whatever else needed to be done. It was a very rough day trying to get my dad to make any decisions. I can empathize that this was my dad’s last living immediate relative besides myself that has passed: His father, Sister, and Mother have all died. This has to be extremely difficult. But he also made things extremely difficult for everyone else. He would not decide on when to have the funeral and wake. During that time because my other cousin wasn’t responding to my dad so he said he wouldn’t decide on a day until he heard from that other cousin. My cousins live in Florida so my father was trying to accommodate them. I told my dad that since he hasn’t got back to any of us just pick a day and he can figure it out. Its now “Friday night, lets get this going, he’s just dodging you” My dad then said, “What, like you where dodging me the night she died?” I LOST MY S#%T!!!!!!!! I started screaming at my dad. Are you kidding me? Thats what you think I was doing? I understand we don’t have a great relationship but you think I was avoiding the four phone calls and voicemails? You think I was “dodging” you  when I helped pick out her outfit, write the obituary, and give you days to do this…thats me avoiding you? I cursed and yelled and I know that I probably shouldn’t have with the mental state I could imagine that he was in. He was trying to laugh it off like it was a joke. I told him, “Don’t laugh its not funny, don’t ever compare me like that. You have no right! I did nothing wrong because my phone was dead, it was not a malicious thing I was doing on purpose because I knew what was going on. Don’t you ever talk to me like that again!” And insert cursing wherever it fits…or doesn’t!

Luckily my step daughters band concert was in the middle of all that so I got a small release. A small escape from the negative world I was surrounded by. Needless to say I messed around with my husband Saturday night and Sunday morning(the day of the wake) to blood…on CD15…11(ish) days early. WHAT? I was freaking out so I instantly started texting nurse friends and other friends to find out what they think. Most thought it was that I was pregnant. I was trying to stay realistic about it but I found myself getting excited…in-between the awful cramps I was experiencing. After talking with other people they said stress which I had plenty of. I got it together and went to the wake. I called my doctor the next day and they confirmed. STRESS. “If it stays longer, more painful, more blood, etc. go to the doctor.” I got my “random period” as the doctor called it. So, much for my positive attitude, its going to happen, “we got this” kind of attitude. After having my grandma’s funeral on my 27th birthday and my random period I have decided 2014 Sucked!!!! I had a wonderful Christmas but besides that I AM OVER IT! To new beginnings and a wonderful 2015. May the TTC train end this year for all of us and we get to the Baby Station in 2015. I am going to blog more often. Today was a more personal update but I will get back to the TTC Blog! Glad to see that most of you are doing well!

0

With Good Times Come Bad Times

One month down(just finished my period). One and a half to go. January can’t come soon enough so we can get this baby train going. I have been good this month. I haven’t been reading up, researching, thinking about anything baby related. But with that I haven’t been on here as well. I apologize for not being as supportive. I hope that all is well with the pregnant ones and the soon-to-be pregnant ones. I am happy to see mostly happy news on here. We have just been going with the flow and it has been good so far. I got a promotion at my job(and a raise) which will require me to travel a little more but I will be working closer to my husband so we can car pool when the weather gets bad. Ohio has some unpredictable snow days and I get panic attacks when I have to drive in really bad weather. Overall its a very good thing. I applied for my benefits at work and I need to call them to find out what is covered since the provider changed. But again, trying to hold off on that. A lot has been going on this last month as well.

Em* had her baby boy. Big Ol’ 9LB boy. He’s adorable.

Lynn* is going to start IUI. =] So excited for her.

Amber* is huge with her twin boys.

I’ve been hanging out with Em* a lot too. She is my best friend and best friends with my husband as well. One day before the baby came we took my step daughter, her daughter, and the husbands to a pumpkin patch. It was freezing out but we had a good time. $21 dollars for a stupid hay ride, we couldn’t do the corn maze or the kid play areas because it had rained the day before, and the pumpkins were purchased by weight so they were stupid expensive. We ended up going to Sam’s Club and buying pumpkins there. BUT the entire time we were at the Pumpkin Patch and when we went to Sam’s Club this little girl only wanted me to hold her. I WAS LOVING IT!!! Any time anyone tried to take her from me to hold her she shook her head at them and said, “Noooo.” It was adorable. I loved feeling her little hands holding on to my shoulder and her smile each time we would see a balloon or a big pumpkin. It was a very good day. One of the better ones during this last month. Once Em* had her baby I was nervous on how I would feel and surprisingly her pregnancy/birth wasn’t negative for me at all. I was expecting sadness once the baby came. Seeing my husband holding him, me holding him, his little cries and adorable faces but I was unbelievably overjoyed for Em* and her husband. This baby is so stinking cute and I can’t wait to see him and his 1 year old sister together.

Now this last weekend wasn’t as good for me. I worked six days and was exhausted by Saturday(and I started my period). But that day we had our friends’ (Erin* and Al*)son’s 3rd birthday party. We got the present together and were on our way to the party. There where a lot of people and kids everywhere. The kids mostly belonged to Erin’s* sister, 4 from 7 years old to 1 years old. After all the birthday festivities the birthday boy’s older brother and some of the other kids where going to an open skate at an ice skating rink to practice because he had just started hockey. At the house Al* stayed behind with myself, Josh, then some of the kids: the birthday boy and 3 of the sisters kids(a 6 year old girl, 3 year old girl, and the 1 year old boy) The 1 year boy was a sleep when everyone left and the parents said that he would stay asleep the whole time. Well, the other children where playing loud so that little boy woke up. He was scared, tired, and mom and dad weren’t there so he was freaking out. He was screaming and crying so hard. Al* was trying to help but wasn’t getting anywhere so I asked if I could try. I held the little guy and took him into the kitchen away from all the noise. I bounced around that kitchen softly telling the boy how good he was until he rested his head on my shoulder. He kept looking up at me and then his eyes would slowly start to shut.  I never felt that feeling before and I can’t even explain what it was. He gradually drifted asleep and I was so elated that it was me that got this boy to calm down and sleep. After the elated feeling hit its peak I then felt immense sorrow. It could have been due to the extra hormones but I was almost driven to tears. Why can’t this be my son/ daughter. I stared at him with a pain in me that I thought would never go away. Then I heard the front door open. The little boy stayed asleep but then the dogs barked so he was awake. I handed him off to his mother even though I didn’t want to. The rest of the night I just hoped that she would ask me to hold him so she could go to the bathroom, get some food, something. It never happened. The mother kept saying, “they just know, babies know.” Know what? That I’m a Mom that got him to fall asleep. Because thats how I take it. The childless mother was able to get the baby to sleep. I was depressed the rest of the night. Once we left and almost home my husband was talking about how cute I looked holding the baby and that I did so good with him. I did not want to hear that. I told him, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was that.  The next day was awful. My period was in full swing with unbearable cramps and an emotional downslide that crippled me for the day. I laid in bed for 4 hours only to get up to use the restroom and get a drink because my body required it. We had to go grocery shopping and I put on the facade to complete that task. By the end of the day I was back to normal. It was a rough 24 hours and I was glad when it was over. But it does make me want to do the research and the appointments sooner rather the later. I am going to force myself to wait until January but 2015 is the start of something good for us. It has to be.

4

Give Me a Break…Unfortunately

My weekend was fantastic…not really! Saturday my friend was having a party and we were getting ready to go. I found out my period had started the worst possible way, with my husband, that was extremely humiliating and embarrassing. Then I am leaving the bedroom and find out that my laundry room is flooded by my hot water tank that decided to break. Appropriately, we spent our Saturday night cleaning our laundry room. Sunday morning we ran to Home Depot to get a new tank and find out about installs. The extremely helpful worker told us”….I’m not sure but if you call the number on the box(proceeds to look at the box) 1-800-homedepot they should be able to help.” While we are still in the store I call the number. I get to an associate who starts taking my information after I tell him what I am looking to do. After he takes my information I ask him for prices for the install and he says,” I don’t have an answer for that but I can take down your number and have them call you with an answer…they will probably call you sometime tomorrow after, like, 5pm. It would probably be better for you to just call back tomorrow.” I tell my husband that and he asks if there is any way we can just get an appointment and go from there. I ask the gentleman on the phone that and he says, “I actually can’t set up appointment but I can put you in the system and they can contact you for appointment times tomorrow or you can just call tomorrow, that will be faster anyway.” Well, thanks for all of your help mister man on the phone. We then buy the tank and some supplies to head home. Josh thinks he can figure it out but it was more then he could bargain for. We contact my step dad who came over to help us out(Thank God!) Unfortunately, we all missed the whole Browns VS Steelers Game…but at least we won!!!!! Thankfully, I had Monday off for the bank Holiday so I was able to catch up on my laundry. It was a great weekend.

Saturday I started, kind of. I wasn’t supposed to start until Wednesday. It abruptly showed up(unwanted) for Saturday night, was gone Sunday, then came back with a vengeance today. My back starting right below my shoulders down to the lower back is killing me. I have a headache and my right side is kind of bugging me as well. The joys of being a lady, Im over it!

As I have stated before, this was out last round of Clomid. No more Clomid. So, what’s next? Well, My plan is simple. I am taking a break from all this through the Holidays. I want to focus on paying down so medical and dental bills that have accrued over the last year. If and when we decide to move forward with insemination or other testing or whatever its going to be expensive. We might as well start paying some things down over these next 3-4 months while we don’t have anything going on. My next major dentist appointment is already scheduled for the end of January and we can just continue with my testing in February. During that time I am going to focus on ME…and my house. We still need a new roof which is priority #1 with the house. Then the other things: New carpet, new bed, new furniture, painting, etc. Repairing a house is a never ending battle. In January or maybe even February I will contact my GYNO to ask her for some test to be done. I am going to do more research but I heard that getting the same procedure done by an RE or an GYNO, it is cheaper by the GYNO. If any of you know if thats true let me know? I want to get the testing for Endo and I would like my Thyroid checked as well. My Mother-in-law, who is a nurse, suggested that because of my concern with my weight gain. During this break I am considering getting a second opinion on my situation as well(RE or GYNO). My Mother-in-Law also agrees with that. My husband doesn’t agree but said that I can do what I want. I might look into more at the facility I go to now or I may use a different one. That I am not sure of as well. I am basically going to be doing research on my break and making decisions after the Holidays. I am also going to track my periods too but no ovulation kits, pregnancy test(unless really late), and trying not to plan sex. I don’t think that will be a problem but sometime both myself and my husband catch ourselves counting when we should even before we were on Clomid.

I am sad. I was crying on the way home yesterday and almost broke down at work today when a customer brought in her 9 week old baby girl. Its rough knowing that Im still not pregnant 2 years later. Yet another Holiday season with no baby, baby bump, or baby announcement. My birthday is in December as well and it would be the ultimate present to get pregnant, to know Im going to be a mom. That’s all I want is to be a mom. Therefore, to make that happen I have to get it together. Any advice on that feel free to share. I am up for any suggestions at this point. Send good vibes my way because during this break of mine my best friend Em* is going to have her baby, her sister-in-law is going to have her baby, I just found out another friend is pregnant, and Amber* is going to have her twins. I will be surrounded and though I am thrilled for all of them it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Send this girl some strength!

1

Babies Babies Babies

Last weekend was exhausting and full of babies and kids! I was never so grateful for this weekend to be over. Don’t get me wrong; I love my friends and their kids. But when its your dream and you have to be surrounded by it for a weekend, it can be a little much.

Saturday was Mine and Josh’s day. We went to a Flea Market in the morning, a local one I had never been to before, which was a good time. We didn’t find much but it was a fun and rather interesting experience. After that Josh’s back was hurting so I dropped him off at home then went to Sprint(cancelled my Verizon) to get a new phone, S5 which I love so far.  After 2 hours there I had to rush home because we said we where going to be at our friends house at 4PM, it was 345PM when I got home, and there house is 20 minutes away. The reason we were going to visit that friend because she had her second child(a baby girl) in July and we hadn’t seen her yet. Every Infertile knows that babies are the roughest to see. Toddlers can be rough too but newborns and babies are the hardest to be around. Now, this little girl is adorable and a spitting image of her Daddy. And her smile…melts the heart! The visit wasn’t going that bad. The friend that had the baby is a nurse so I was chatting with her about everything that has been going on with me. Even she was curious as to why more hasn’t been done and that I have only received Clomid. But with the break coming we are holding off on what is to come. We chatted for a bit and she then informed me that Em* was coming over. With her 34 week pregnant self and their one year old. Em* is my best friend but I knew the second them two got together it was going to be all about pregnancy stuff. Which it was for a while. It wasn’t that bad but it was kind of difficult hearing it all over again when I want it so bad. At one point while we were there Josh was outside with my friends older son(3years old) and Em’s* daughter. My friend was talking about how great Josh is with kids and how he should open a Daddy Daycare because that and how much kids love him. It was a spear to the heart. I know that he is amazing with kids. The second kids are around they gravitate to him and I can’t give him that. Its the most devastating thing to have to deal with on a daily basis. I just shrugged it off and said, “Yea, he is great with them.” Then changed the subject. As we where getting ready to leave her son said, “Josh can you stay? You can sleep on the couch? Ill ask my mom!!!” It was adorable, then he held the baby. It was a lot to take in, in such a short period of time.

Once we were leaving I was so relieved to be away from all the kids and babies and bellies. But when we were leaving Em’s* car stopped at the top of the street. We pulled up next to them and they asked if we wanted to go get food. Obviously, I DID, I didn’t eat all day but I just wanted to go home and self loath for a little bit. We ended up going out to eat with them and it was so worth it. Being around their daughter is rough knowing that we started trying the same time so, technically, we could be getting ready to have our second kid right now like they are…but we aren’t. But at dinner their daughter was my little buddy. She kept playing with me and smiling at me ALL through dinner. I was loving all the baby attention I was getting. It made the whole day worth it!

The next day I had a baby shower to go to. It was (we will call her)Amber’s* baby shower(twin babies 1 round of Clomid lady). Through the corse of Mine and Lynn’s* friendship I have become friends with one of her friends who was also there. This woman also knows the struggles of the baby shower and so it was nice knowing I wasn’t alone in this day. We had out side conversations and made it through. Even with Amber* looking so beautifuly pregnant and all of us being extremely jealous of her happiness. We all had to leave early(most of my table had a benefit to go to and i had to drive an hour away to my grandmas birthday party) and there was about 60+ people so this girl had A LOT of gifts to open. Leaving early was us leaving after food and and hour and a half of presents being opened…and she was still in the process when we left.

I was thrilled for my weekend to be over. Newborns, toddlers, and baby bellies all weekend! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was expecting to be depressed the whole weekend after each event but I wasn’t. I was emotionally drained from it but not as sad as I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I was sad but there where no tears shed for this girl. Im ready for our 2ww to begin….and then end. So, we can get this journey going.

2

Clomid Chronicles Chapter Five

My last round of Clomid is done. I am apprehensive and relieved for it to be over…for now. Like I have stated before, the doctor said we could continue and I know that most doctors only allow to do it for six months. So, I would only have one more month if we did decide to continue with it. I just want to feel like me again! I will pass on trying it for one more month. If it doesn’t happen after five tries I’m not going to put my body through a sixth time. Also, this cycle I took the pills on days 3-7 instead of the typical 5-9 I was told by my doctor to do. I did notice more emotional effects but nothing crazy or unbearable like the first round which you can read about Here. Sill 100MG as well.

Day 1

8AM Take Pill

I don’t really remember what time it was, between 4:00PM-4:45PM, but I was getting ready to take money to the vault(I work at a bank, don’t think I have shared that before) and my coworker was talking to a customer. He was sharing that his weekend plans where to get their nursery together. he continued to talk about the building of things and painting. I went into the vault and had to take a minute. I had to get it together. I did not cry but I was right there. I was ready to just break down in that vault. I wanted to fall to the floor and just sob BUT I didn’t. I took about 30 seconds to gather my thoughts and my composure to walk out of that vault like nothing was wrong.

Day 2

8AM Take Pill

7PM We had my step daughter that day and we were on our way to a festival that was happening in a city near us. When we stopped for gas on the way there my husband got out of the car and my step daughter started talking to me about her cousin. She just blurted out that her 17 year old cousin was pregnant by her boyfriend. on a side note I am awful at hiding my true reactions to things. What I am thinking shows on my face 98% of the time. So, when my step daughter said that I know my face was bleeding with shock and disappointment. She believed this was all because the girl was only 17 and having a baby boy. But its OK because she didn’t plan on going to college(don’t even get me started there). As we were driving and rocking our to Flogging Mollies(Irish band, amazing). I stared out the window in disbelief of the news I just heard. Why can’t we get pregnant? This child can that is 10 years younger then me but we can’t. I was falling into a depressed state fast. Once we got there I brushed it off and enjoyed our time together but it still lingered with me for the rest of the night.

Day 3

8:45AM Take Pill

Day 4

8AM- Take Pill

9PM(ISH)- That night I was reading some the blogs and was thinking to myself, “I wonder if my RE is doing everything she can for me? Should I get a second opinion to see if another RE would do something different?” Then I was reading things about Unexplained Infertility and bout how its ok to get a second opinion. So, I decided to ask my husband about it. He said I don’t see a point because they will probably say the same thing so why waste our time and money. Then that conversation turned into well if IUI doesn’t work what is our next step? Which turned into my husband saying that IVF is very expensive, that he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money multiple times to try to have a baby, and that we could just adopt. Which lead to me crying and him asking,”Why do you always want to have these conversation when you are on Clomid?” I do have these conversation every time I am on Clomid to which I don’t understand. Apparently that is when I have epiphanies about things. Josh just hugged me. I told him that he doesn’t understand. Family is VERY important to me and he already has a daughter so he gets that but I want us to have our baby so I can know that feeling of being a Mom, not just a Step-Mom. He responded with, “we can do IVF, whatever you want to do, we can do that.” Reading it may sound harsh but it was not stated that way at all. It was a genuine gesture of “I will support you with whatever you want us to do.” I was so relieved that he was willing to go through this exhausting, never-ending, struggle with me so that we can eventually have our family.

Day 5

8AM- Take Pill

The rest of the time I have been on Clomid I have been in a depressed state. Just crawling through each day. Not doing anything extra that I could have. I did laundry and that is it because I had to do it. I had no energy to accomplish anything else. My body didn’t allow me to do anything extra these last few days. I was on the verge of crying ALL THE TIME. I am feeling a little better today but it is only my first day of not taking it so its not much of a change. But its almost time to push all the bad emotions to the side and start baby making. I need to get myself out of this funk and the baby shower I have to attend this weekend probably won’t help that. BUT I will make the best of that situation. I am so happy for my friend that did 1 round of Clomid and is having twins…if only we were all that lucky! So, I will kick ass at all the games, mingle, take a bunch of pictures, and enjoy the shower for my friend. I am so elated to be able to share this with her. Please send some strength, sanity, and positive vibes at this one so I don’t have a break down at this shower. I will hopefully have a BFP update after this coming 2WW.