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My First Pregnancy

On November 5, 2016 I saw my first positive pregnancy test. I was so nervous that we told very little people. Due to this being so unexplained I was very petrified it would end as quickly as it began. My MIL and Mother knew because of the calls made that day. The next day was my best friend’s son’s birthday party so I had to tell her. She cried and was so excited for us. Besides that I wasn’t telling anyone until after the first trimester. I was sick ALL THE TIME my first trimester. Not morning sickness, I had the flu, my entire first trimester. It was awful. Unable to take any medicine made for a very miserable 3 months. Thanksgiving I was very sick. No voice, sore throat, congestion, headaches, the works. I had that for around 2 weeks. I was OK for a little bit then got sick again shortly after Christmas and the worst of it hit New years night/day. I had the same symptoms as before but worse. My throat was so sore I only ate very cold/warm foods. I loved the sorbet Popsicle at Giant Eagle. They were so soothing. We announced on Christmas day, a little before the end of the first trimester. We thought it would be a great surprise to share it then. We told my stepdaughter first by giving her a shirt. We used that picture and a ultrasound to announce on Social media. The response was overwhelming. We received so many messages, comments, and text sending well wishes our way.

The first image is how I told my fathers side of the family at our family Christmas Eve party. The second image is the one that was posted on Social Media. Sorry, I’m not good at editing. I took video as much as I could during the pregnancy so I have video of when I told my step daughter and my Dad’s family. It was amazing. Overall, the first trimester wasn’t that bad. I was so unbelievably nervous and petrified. At the same time I tried to enjoy the fact that this was happening and that I was pregnant. Besides the flu, my morning sickness was just nausea…often without actually getting sick. I can’t complain too much about that.

My second trimester was a breeze. I wasn’t sick anymore. My friend let me use her at home Doppler and the beginning of the 2nd trimester was the first time I found her heart beat. That was such a wonderful reassurance to have. Knowing my babe was there. It was the best feeling ever. I started to show around 18 weeks. As they say, my belly just “popped out”. Around that same time is when I felt her kick for the first time. It was amazing. I think that she did kick sooner but I didn’t know what it was. It was such a faint flutter I know now but at the time I just thought it was gas or something in my gut. Silly, I was nervous for the scan at 20 weeks but all was well. I was very excited after our scan to find out all of her measurements were good. I did have to redo some of the measurements as well as redo my glucose test. I passed the 2nd time but it was not fun re-doing that test. I did have a few symptoms that made the 2nd trimester less fun. I developed insomnia. It was the worst. I was getting about 2 hours of sleep each night. There was also about a week where I developed sciatic pain. I remember one time specifically trying tie my shoes and I almost collapsed from the pain. I am so grateful that only lasted a week. The end of the 2nd trimester is when I finally bought maternity pants. I was buying shirts often but never pants for some reason. I just used a maternity band. Which was awful. It was fine at first but then my pants where just always falling down. The maternity pants didn’t fully fit my belly and they always fell down as well. I was happy for my third trimester to know my babe was almost here….and my pants would finally fit.

The third trimester. At first it was fine. It was just the 2nd trimester continued. Feeling good. My blood pressure and numbers were always good. My weight gain was fine and I was always measuring on time. The further I got into the trimester the harder it got. As I expected. I was told I was due July 17th. I always knew she was going to be early though. My back pain became very very difficult to bear. I would try to walk often and drank a lof of  water. Nothing really helped though. I just tried to rest and stretch as much as I could after I got home from work. Starting the beginning of June my feet and legs started to swell towards during work as well. Each week it got worse. I called my doctors’ office to verify what was happening was normal. They said it was but I went there to show them because I had the worst cankles I have ever had. When I got there they just told me it was normal and I need to elevate them, ice them, and drink water. I felt like “this can’t be normal”. It was. But I was in pain everyday and it became very overwhelming. It was and it was a pain I had never felt. My co-worker actually advocated for me to be able to work from home more often but it wasn’t allowed. I was very grateful someone spoke out for me. I felt that made it look less like me complaining and more like someone else noticing my struggle and trying to help. That happen the 3rd week of June. I told my co worker that in July I would pull my boss aside to ask to work from home more. I work an hour from home and my hospital I would be delivering at. For that reason I wanted to be home more often just in case I went into labor.

The closer we got towards the end the more my doctor said that she thinks that my babe “won’t be tiny”. She was saying that she will most likely be a 9-10 lbs baby. This just reassured me that I would go early. I was a 7lb baby and Josh was 9lbs. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility to have that big of a baby. I just knew our Sadie wasn’t going to be that big because she would be early. June 26th I had a doctor appointment and the doctor said that she was very convinced the baby would be big if I went full term. I was slowly dilating but I went from .05 cm to 1 cm in 2 weeks. With those to things she said that we should schedule a induction date a week earlier just in case. The doctor said that with it being my first there was no way to know if I would go early or not but we would schedule this just in case. The doctor also said that every time she scheduled an induction the mom went early. I was nervous about being induced because I heard a lot of rough stories about Pitocin and induction labors. The 27th I was at work and called to schedule my induction date. We schedules it for July 13th. I was very excited. VERY EXCITED!! I told my boss my new “Last day of work” that obviously it could be sooner but that was my induction date. When I came home that night it was just a normal night. I ate and then my husband and I hung out. We were laying in bed just listening to music. Putting music on my belly, which is something we had not done before. We started with calm, classical music. Then we had some fun and played DMX and Pink Floyd. I eventually went to sleep and never knew that everything was going change that night.

I was going to do this and the birth in one but it would be way too long. One last blog about the birth.

3

My Second First Doctors Appointment

Today was the day of my Doctor Appointment with the new Doctor. The office looked like every other Doctor’s Office but the sign by the door said Fertility Center. I already felt a little at ease because I was hoping it would only be women in the office in a similar position as us. It wasn’t like when I went to the previous Doctor where there was pregnant woman in there and baby pictures on the wall. There was none of that here which helped me while filling out all the new patient paper work. I wasn’t done with the paper work before I was called to the back by the nurse. She took my weight and brought me into the room. The nurse asked why I was there….we want to have a baby. Then I go into the details of Our Story. She then takes my blood pressure, which was good, then has me finish my paperwork and wait for the doctor.

The doctor came in rather quickly and we were only in the Patient room for a moment before she took me into her office. The Doctor was so adorable. She is probably in her 40’s but looks like she is in her 30’s. She is about 5’6, skinny minny, with chin length curly blackish brown hair that had some grey hairs through it as well. Those grey’s where the only thing that made her look any older. She had very smooth aged porcelain skin, beautiful long eyelashes and very little make up. Not that she needed any. The Doctor has a very natural beauty and a very big smile. I could tell that she was a serious doctor but one that could handle my humor that REALLY turns on when I am nervous. We discussed my problems with the previous doctor: Lack of communication, not on the same page, etc. The Doctor then grabbed a piece of paper and said, ” This is how you make a baby” She drew a stick figured woman but put a big circle to show the lady parts as well as an arrow from the head pointing at the lady parts. The Doctor said that “we need to figure out where the disconnect is in this process. First, the brain tells the body to ovulate, I don’t that there is a problem there because you have had Positive OPK. Then you produce the eggs, the eggs drop, the sperm attaches then that attaches to the wall. These are the parts where we don’t know why you haven’t got pregnant yet.” She said that she wants to do an ultra sound to see whats going on. I said OK and she asked if I was up for that today? I was surprised and then a little confused. I asked very naively, “through the belly ultrasound?” She smiled then shook her head back and forth. “I wasn’t prepared for that…I didn’t prepare for that.” She said that is fine and not to worry at all. She said that doing this will give her a better idea of what I have going on and what path she thinks we should take. I expressed my hesitation but agreed even though I was nervous. I was just expecting a chat, not an ultrasound.

She tells me to empty my bladder then go into the room and (as we have all heard numerous time) undress from the waste down. I get to it. Then nervously wait for her return. She comes into the room and starts a conversation to try to distract me from the lubricant she is applying to the wand she is about to use for the ultrasound. I was very very nervous at that point. I had never had an ultrasound like THAT before. I knew that with this journey, I needed to get used to it! After the initial…..you know….it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Then The Doctor said, ” Your Uterus looks GREAT!” I took that as a compliment but still curiously said Thank you! While she was checking my ovaries there was a little pressure but it wasn’t too bad. The HSG Appt. was much worse. She didn’t say much while looking at my ovaries and then turned the screen for me to look at. She said, ” The uterus looks great, here’s your left ovary full off all those little eggs which is great. It looks exactly like it should(to me it looked like and open Pomegranate). And we go to the right, see how it is all black?” I respond hesitantly, “Yes?” “Well, that is a good thing. That means that you should be ovulating within the next week, right?” and in fact I was supposed to. I was so relieved. I knew the OPK said Yes before but now I have seen it for myself. I was then told to get dressed and go back into her office so we could finish talking.

The Doctor had the ultrasounds printed out. I kind of wanted to take them. I know that there wasn’t a baby but I have always wanted an ultrasound photo with a baby. I didn’t ask, don’t worry. After that we finished out discussion on what the game plan was going to be. The Doctor asked if my previous doctor talked about my glucose level at all. I told her that the previous doctor did say that it was high and pre diabetic but that was it. She said that it was definitely too high. That if it gets any higher than a 6.0 she doesn’t like trying to get people pregnant because of the complications that can happen. That made me heart stop. I don’t know that my levels are at now and then she said she wanted to test my blood again to see where I was at. We will do the blood work today to test my glucose and my thyroid today. Crap! I ate a doughnut and drank Gatorade that morning. I KNOW I KNOW! Worst combination ever and such a horrible idea before a Doctor’s Appointment. Josh and I rarely buy doughnuts and of course I choose to have mine before the appointment. I was so mad at myself. We continued on:

1. Try for this cycle to get  pregnant. After she saw were my ovulation was at for this month she really wants us to try again. I am fine with that, what’s one more month.

2.Josh has to get tested after this ovulation. She said that after this week he has to schedule an appointment. The Doctor also said that the VA should cover it and if they don’t do it there they should cover for Josh to have it done somewhere else. That was a relief.

3. No Surgery for Endo. The Doctor said that it truly looks like I have it but she is not 100% because the only way to check is through the surgery and because I am not having awful symptoms like some do she doesn’t want to do the surgery if she doesn’t have to, which I agree with. Plus, I don’t have the time off to do the surgery so, that works for me.

4. IF this month doesn’t work and Josh’s test come back normal then she thinks the next best step is Clomid with IUI next month. HOLY CRAP! I don’t know what I was expecting, It is the next best step. She said the same thing. The Doctor said that because we have been trying for so long that she thinks this combination is our best chance. She said that since we tried Clomid by itself and it didn’t work she didn’t want to risk just IUI. She obviously mentioned the much higher the odds are of twins which Josh and I are fine with. The next big question:Cost. It is a flat right(like UPS or something) of $482.00 for the wash of his sperm and the Insemination. That obviously doesn’t include the cost of the medications and the doctors appointments for ultrasounds or whatever else they might need from me. I was thinking it will cost around $700 after the bills finally come around.

I felt amazing after the Appointment. I am obviously a little hesitant about the blood results but other than that, cloud 9! We could potentially be pregnant NEXT MONTH! She said to contact her next month if I start my period or if we get pregnant on our own. From there ,if we are not pregnant: we will get the Clomid Prescription(100 mg), take that day 5-9, then people normally ovulate on CD12 (I ovulate late but I don’t think that will stay the same with Clomid) but once I get a positive on the OPK I call the Fertility Center to have the IUI don’t the next day, Josh goes in before me that morning to give his sample, it will be “washed” as in they will separate the good sperm from the bad sperm, and then they do the insemination and I sit on the table for 10 minutes(they are available 7 days a week for insemination).  They said that there is a chance of cramping pain after as well as spotting are common. Two weeks later we test to see if we have a baby. This is happening we are finally in the process of having a baby. I am beyond excited and Josh is too! We bought a bunch of healthier food to try to get this glucose stuff under control as well as continuing going to the gym. We are doing this, we are going to get our family. I just know that we are going to get our baby!

2

Updates and Public Posting

I have accomplished a lot over the last month. I got it together.

I contacted my Insurance that I have through my new job. To sum it up. I have a high deductible HSA Account which means that I have to pay out of pocket for everything or with my Health Saving Account until i hit my deductible. Infertility is not covered….except the usual diagnosis and treatment. As in, if I have Endo, the diagnosis of that and the treatment of the Endo is covered. BUT not anything that will help us get pregnant: meds, appointments, nothing. Great!

I started going to the gym again. It has been a slow process but I am back. I feel so good after I go which makes me excited to continue.

I also decided to get a second opinion and see a different doctor. I believe that there was a lot of miscommunication with my first RE. That made me uneasy to continue the process with her. I know a friend that is seeing her with no problems. I spoke with 2 separate friends about this. The first friend is seeing an RE at the same facility that I have been going to: it’s just a different RE. Lynn* is the other friends I have been speaking with who is seeing a RE at a completely different facility then what I was at now. Lynn’s* process with this doctor has been awesome which makes me very optimistic about her. I set up at Appointment with this doctor for May 18th.

I also started spotting today; VERY VERY Lightly. Barely anything. but it started. I am not supposed to start until Sunday…Mother’s Day. Yea, thats happening. I am spotting 5 days early. I am trying to tell myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is implantation. At the same time I am telling myself, “Don’t get your hopes up!” I also woke up extremely nauseous. All day, all I have been thinking about is this spotting. This is the worst part of the journey. The uncertainties. I haven’t started yet but there is a little brown. Which could be me starting OR it could be me getting pregnant. I am not taking a test until a week after I am supposed to start. So I will test on May 17tth or May 16th. The latest my period has been before is 3 days. I am hoping that IF I am not pregnant that it comes on Sunday or the day after. Obviously I don’t want to start on Mother’s Day but I just want consistency, which is not an option with TTC.

I also posted a lot on my Facebook and Instagram during National Infertility Week. I posted ecards, links about infertility, or quotes about what Infertility and how this effects us emotionally. With that I was essentially making it known that Josh and I were struggling with this disease. I posted everyday during that week, sometimes multiple posts. I also got an overwhelming amount of positive feedback from people. Every post got so many “Likes” as well as positive comments. I also received five different messages and two different text of people giving us well wishes, sending prayers, letting me know they are there for us, or asking me questions about what I have been going through. I was elated. I knew there was a reason that I decided to open up about infertility. I knew that when I started aggressively posting things that it was going to draw attention to me but I was prepared for that and for negativity. And it didn’t happen. Lynn* also publicly posted her blog on Facebook. I was so surprised. I thought she was so strong for being able to post something so personal. It made me want to post mine. I was intimidated to post something so personal, it made me very vulnerable, and couldn’t believe that she posted hers. To explain a little, her blog is mostly medical. It does have some emotional aspects to it but not as much venting as mine does. I took some time to myself to read over my blog again. I examined it, walked away for a bit, examined it again, and did some editing. I didn’t do a lot of editing but there were some things about others that I took out. It was not my place to put other people business out there. The people that I do talk about I asked them to read it to verify that it was ok I posted it. I decided to post it to Facebook. After reading this I think that it will be on there. I spoke with my husband about it and all he said was, “Does it have all our sex stuff on it?” which means that he is OK with it. I know that there will be people that feel negatively about this and will have their opinions. As all of us know, we deal with this all the time. I can handle that and accept that I am opening myself up to it even more by posting this. BUT I also know that by opening up about our struggles and showing the raw emotions I feel that it can potentially help others. Others that feel alone, experience the Taboo of Infertility, or don’t have anyone to talk to about this   disease. So, here it goes. Things are getting real; Get ready because I am in it to win it! Time to get this baby train going.

2

Now I Feel Confused and Foolish

No surgery for me…for now…I think!

Originally when I spoke with Lisa* she was saying I could get the surgery Tuesday(27th) or depending on my cycle in February sometime at the end of February. My manager was sick and when he finally came back on Saturday(24th) He said, “Don’t worry about this place. Do what you have to do. Just see if you can get it done next week and we will go from there.” Don’t have to tell me twice.

I contacted my Doctors Office on Monday morning to see if I could still go in for the surgery on Tuesday(Crazy, I know). I realized I was speaking with Lisa* so I asked her about the Cycle Days with the surgery. She said that surgery had to be done between CD 5-11. She said that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to get into the surgery that quick. She finally called me back at about 11AM. Hello Lisa* Tell me something good! Lisa* tells me that, “since the Doctor hasn’t seen you since the HSG she isn’t going to do the surgery because you need pre-testing to verify that you need the surgery. She doesn’t want to cut for no reason. So, she said let’s schedule an appointment to discuss what you want to do next.”

…….

Though I am grateful she doesn’t want to cut into me for no reason and I was skeptical about just going right into a surgery without pre-surgery testing. I am a little confused and feel rather foolish. I have been talking to them for almost 2 weeks about this. Why wasn’t something said sooner about not doing the surgery until after I spoke with her sooner? Or why didn’t the doctor say something when I messaged her to get information on the surgery? The doctor told me at the HSG that because it came back normal that this is the next test she wanted to do. I completely understand that I need pre-testing but let’s just schedule that. I don’t want to waste time with us chatting…AGAIN for me to come back for another visit after that to get this going. I just want us to figure this out.

There is another potential obstacle for us as well. I have applied for a new job a few weeks ago and did a final interview today. I think that all went well! It is a bit of a drive but its a pay increase and if I do get the job it is a great opportunity to move up in banking. I want to go back to school and it is much more of a possibility if I get out of the branch side of banking; this would be a move to the operational, back end of banking. I am hoping for the best BUT it is yet another delay in the TTC journey because of the delay in insurance.

I was talking with Josh about this tonight. We are going to get him tested in March; when his insurance through his work kicks in. We are FINALLY going to start using OPT(Ovulation Prediction Kit). I know I am way behind the times for someone that has been TTC for over 2 years. I just got some First Response ones from a friend but I was wondering:

-What OPK do you guys prefer?

-Where do you buy them from? (They can be pretty expensive)

-Is there a better time to test?

As I said, I am behind the times. The past 2 I took I got “?”. The first one I think was my fault…I MAY have unclipped it in a nervous frustration while waiting for the answer! I swear it was way more then 5 minutes. BUT the second time I think I did everything right and still got a “?”.  I know what OPKs are but I haven’t looked into them too much because of the price but now….With all these delays and insurance and new job and house repairs and anything else that can and will happen. I don’t want to keep allowing these delays to hold us back. I want to do everything I can to get us a baby.

Any other advice for someone who:

-Has normal blood work(boarder line diabetic is the only thing)

-6 rounds of Clomid- Fail

-And Negative HSG Results(Right ovary was a little far away, long right tube)

I am open to any suggestions on opinions I was even thinking of posting my Blood work results on here to see what people think. Maybe next post. I am tired! =] Let me know what you guys are thinking!

6

Endometriosis Surgery Question

I called my Insurance back again to verify what was or was not covered. Taking multiple peoples’ advice I contact my Doctor’s Office first to get the more precise information to ask the Insurance company. I called and spoke with Lisa* who was specific to my doctor(a nurse, secretary, or something like that). When I spoke with Lisa* she told me the procedure code for the Diagnostic Laparoscopy. She then told me to not mention Infertility at all(which I knew after talking to you fine folks). I then contacted the Insurance company to ask the question yet again. I told the woman on the phone that I had a procedure code and wanted to verify if it was covered under my new insurance? I gave her the code and she said,” Yes, it is covered…depending on why it is being done.” I was baffled that she could even say that, “depending on why” What? Why does that matter? I asked the obvious question, “What do you mean by that?” She responds with, “Well, if you have predetermined symptom that suggest Endometriosis that it could be covered but if it is being done for Infertility purposes then it could be denied” WHAT? I didn’t even say Infertility, do you have a note on my file? Do you know me? I was blown away. At that point I was just confused as to what I was supposed to do but held it together and pushed the confusion aside to finish this conversation. After we hung up I was so pissed. There is no way to candy coat this. I was confused as to why a procedure could be approved for patient A because they have signs of Endo but Patient B wants to have a child and needs to this test but it is not approved. Why is an Insurance Company allowed to do this? UNBELIEVABLE!

Today I decided to contact my Doctor again to find out the soonest I could have the surgery and get a quick overview of the surgery because I knew nothing about what was going to be done to me. All I knew is that I was going to get 2 small cuts and a camera was going into me to check for Endo. I called the Doctor and it was Lisa* again. I told her what my insurance said and she was very kind. She looked over what I had done last year to see what was and wasn’t covered. Everything was covered but that wasn’t any help to me see as I have a whole new Insurance Company now. But it was nice she went out of her way to look into that. She then said that we should hopefully be able to cover it so that it is mostly covered by the insurance. Once I heard that I felt a little relief. Now time for procedure questions: I asked when was the soonest I could have the procedure done? She said that it depended on my cycle and asked when my period started. Well, it started Sunday Night. Lisa responded with, “Next week then….so….Monday Tuesday or Wednesday….Tuesday the 27th would be when it is available.” WHOA that is quick. Well, my job is extremely short staffed so I know that is not possible. “When would be the next time?” “Well, again, that depends on your cycle. You would call us when you start and we could schedule from there.” Thats fine. Thats how most things work when you are getting testing to have a baby. Lisa continued, “The procedure takes about and hour and a half depending on what she finds” What do you mean by that? I thought she was just looking around. “If the Doctor find signs of Endometriosis then she will remove what she can which could potentially make the surgery last longer and the recovery last longer as well.” Ok, that makes more sense now but it also makes me a little more nervous. I have never been put under…EVER! So, the idea of almost an unknown time of how long I will be under is a little unnerving. I told Lisa* that “I was under the impression that I would be able to get the surgery Friday and come back to work on Monday.” Her exact response, “Oh, you are a strong woman! We suggest taking a week off(thats the max.) and you are limited to what you can do.” How in the world am I going to be able to take a week off work when we are short staffed? I don’t want to use vacation time for this. What if I don’t even have Endo and I have to take all this time off? OH GOODNESS! Lisa* then asked me what I do and I told her(I work at a bank). She said, “You are limited to lifting 10 lbs. which means no lifting Coin or heavy bags of money, are you in charge of the Vault(yes)? Then you will definitely need help with the money once you go back. You need to be very careful you don’t tear or rip anything the Doctor did.” Rip or tear….that sounds great. That was all I needed and was exhausted from the information I received. I told her that I would contact her once  verify when I can have the surgery and it would most likely be next month after my period.

I contacted HR through my work just to verify what I am supposed to do when I have the surgery and I will use sick time to cover my time off. I was just comforted that I didn’t have to use any vacation time(if I use more then a week I will but I don’t plan on that). After doing some basic math I believe that it was between CD 9-11 I am supposed to get the surgery done. Well, instead of guessing I figured I would just call the Doctor’s Office back to ask. When I called the new lady I spoke with said that it didn’t matter when I had the surgery, I just couldn’t do it when I was on my period. Now I am even more confused. I want to do this sooner rather then later but I don’t want to overwhelm myself. The 26th of February I am having a wisdom tooth pulled and having a crown put in. An hour and a half appointment that I will need some recovery from for sure.  I was hoping that if there isn’t a time frame that I can get it done on February 20th. Six days of recovery should be enough right? Maybe? So here are my questions for you ladies:

Is there a certain time I need to get this surgery done?

How long should I give myself for recovery?

Is it a bad idea to do the surgery so close to my dentist appointment?

What was the surgery like for any of you that had it done? and the recovery?

How long was the surgery?

Whats the next step if it is Endo?

What’s the next step if it isn’t Endo?

Any help would be greatly appreciated! =]

2

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

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Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award is an award that recognizes the unique voices of women across the world. Thank you Bosma Life for nominating me for this wonderful Award!

The rules:
1. Link to the person who nominated you.
2. Add the award logo.
3. Answer the questions your nominator has asked.
4. Nominate 7 other blogs.
5. Ask your nominees 10 questions.

I nominate:

The Barren Librarian

With Grace and Faith

A Calm Persistence

Dreaming of Diapers

Cvanverth

SpiritBabyComeHome

EventualMomma

Questions for Nominees:

1. Do you have any pets?

2. Favorite Movie/Book?

3. One place you would like to visit in your life or favorite place you have visited in your life?

4. What was you favorite Christmas(Holiday) gift that you gave or received this year?

5. What is one thing that you don’t have the guts to do but you wish you did?

6. What kind of music do you listen to?

7. (stole from SettlingMud) What’s an experience (big or small) that you know changed you forever?

8. What was the moment in you fertility journey that you knew/realized that you weren’t going to get pregnant on your own and needed medical assistance?

9. Why do you blog and what made you start?

10. Biggest Pet Peeve?

My Questions:

1) What is the oddest thing a fertility doctor (OB/RE/Family doc) has ever said to you regarding you fertility or lack there of?

-The doctor was going to listen to my heart but we thought she was going to do something with my lady bits. ”No, Im not listening to your uterus…I’m not a uterus whisperer. I can’t tell it to make a baby!”

2) If you had one wish (other than baby related things – we all have that wish) what would it be?

-Win the lottery(selfish I know): I can get rid of all debt, pay off house, fix house, help family with paying off houses or buying houses….and of course get this baby train going!

3) If you were an animal, what animal would you be?

-A Dolphin. I don’t do well with water. I love the water but with sever Asthma and fear of water, those things don’t work well together!

4) What is ONE moment in your life you will NEVER forget?

-My first kiss with my husband and the feelings that came with it!

5) Is there something you would change about yourself internally? (no physical traits) Why haven’t you?

– My insecurities with myself. That is a battle I struggle with on a daily basis.

6) In your opinion how has the world changed from childhood to now?

-It’s worse from when I was a kid. Spanking wasn’t considered child abuse, kids had respect for adults and themselves, playing outside was the highlight of our lives, technology was spiked with a cd walkman, you earned your keep, and many more things that are different from now to when we were kids. Now, I have responsibilities…the biggest difference from when I was a kid to now!

7) What is your secret pleasure?

-TV (outdoor channel lately because I got a Bow for Christmas so I am getting tips)

8) What is one thing you really want to do but haven’t? Why haven’t you?

-I want to go to college and get a degree. I haven’t done that yet because life gets in the way. Last time I was in school was right before we got married:planning a wedding, school FT, and work FT was very difficult for me. I also learned at that time I can’t do online classes. My plan is to go back this year…depending on our baby situation.

9) When was the last time you laughed? What did you laugh about?

-I was just watching Big Bang Theory…enough said!

10) If tomorrow was the end of the world, what would you do?

-Be with my husband. That’s all I need and my dogs!

Random Question: How do I post pictures of the Awards I have been given on my blog?

8

Lack of Reassurance and Insurance

I called my new insurance company the other day to verify what they do or don’t cover for Infertility. I finally got to a person and asked the question. “What is your coverage on Infertility?” The man on the phone said the things you always hear,”Let me look you up to verify what is covered…SS#, DOB, Name, and whatever other information he asked I willingly gave to get my answers. He finally said,”We cover the testing of Infertility.” I was waiting for more words but nothing. I then asked, “What does that mean?” He said that any testing needed to find out the source of Infertility is covered” My testing is covered, OK Great, but what from there? What about my treatment after this “testing” that is covered? I asked with a fear because I already knew the answer. He didn’t say it for a reason so why even ask but I did. “What about treatment for the testing?” “No, that is not covered” was quickly heard coming from the other end of the phone. I responded with,”Just to make sure if I am tested for my tubes being clogged or Endometriosis and the results come back positive then the treatment for those things to be removed ,or whatever you want to call it, is not covered?” Another quick response,”Correct.” That was it. I am going to call tomorrow just to make sure because I find that odd. At least with my old insurance it covered treatment but new junk doesn’t.

I don’t know what to do. All the Fears are back and the Thankful is slowly dwindling away. I am almost wanting to put a pause to this whole thing(again) simply because of the cost. My dental bills are cut in half right now but I need more work done so those will go up again in no time. I am at a loss. I want to be a mother so bad and I want to have a baby so bad. I think that I am going to still do more research with my husband’s new insurance that would start in March. If that covers more than I will for sure switch to that and move forward with more testing. Even if I don’t move forward with Josh’s insurance that I will do the testing for Endometriosis for my own sanity. I have this gut feeling that is what it is and I’m hoping(and not hoping) that I am right. I think I am almost leaning on that diagnosis just so I have an answer. Infertility because of Endometriosis is better than Unexplained Infertility. We will just have to wait and see.

0

With Good Times Come Bad Times

One month down(just finished my period). One and a half to go. January can’t come soon enough so we can get this baby train going. I have been good this month. I haven’t been reading up, researching, thinking about anything baby related. But with that I haven’t been on here as well. I apologize for not being as supportive. I hope that all is well with the pregnant ones and the soon-to-be pregnant ones. I am happy to see mostly happy news on here. We have just been going with the flow and it has been good so far. I got a promotion at my job(and a raise) which will require me to travel a little more but I will be working closer to my husband so we can car pool when the weather gets bad. Ohio has some unpredictable snow days and I get panic attacks when I have to drive in really bad weather. Overall its a very good thing. I applied for my benefits at work and I need to call them to find out what is covered since the provider changed. But again, trying to hold off on that. A lot has been going on this last month as well.

Em* had her baby boy. Big Ol’ 9LB boy. He’s adorable.

Lynn* is going to start IUI. =] So excited for her.

Amber* is huge with her twin boys.

I’ve been hanging out with Em* a lot too. She is my best friend and best friends with my husband as well. One day before the baby came we took my step daughter, her daughter, and the husbands to a pumpkin patch. It was freezing out but we had a good time. $21 dollars for a stupid hay ride, we couldn’t do the corn maze or the kid play areas because it had rained the day before, and the pumpkins were purchased by weight so they were stupid expensive. We ended up going to Sam’s Club and buying pumpkins there. BUT the entire time we were at the Pumpkin Patch and when we went to Sam’s Club this little girl only wanted me to hold her. I WAS LOVING IT!!! Any time anyone tried to take her from me to hold her she shook her head at them and said, “Noooo.” It was adorable. I loved feeling her little hands holding on to my shoulder and her smile each time we would see a balloon or a big pumpkin. It was a very good day. One of the better ones during this last month. Once Em* had her baby I was nervous on how I would feel and surprisingly her pregnancy/birth wasn’t negative for me at all. I was expecting sadness once the baby came. Seeing my husband holding him, me holding him, his little cries and adorable faces but I was unbelievably overjoyed for Em* and her husband. This baby is so stinking cute and I can’t wait to see him and his 1 year old sister together.

Now this last weekend wasn’t as good for me. I worked six days and was exhausted by Saturday(and I started my period). But that day we had our friends’ (Erin* and Al*)son’s 3rd birthday party. We got the present together and were on our way to the party. There where a lot of people and kids everywhere. The kids mostly belonged to Erin’s* sister, 4 from 7 years old to 1 years old. After all the birthday festivities the birthday boy’s older brother and some of the other kids where going to an open skate at an ice skating rink to practice because he had just started hockey. At the house Al* stayed behind with myself, Josh, then some of the kids: the birthday boy and 3 of the sisters kids(a 6 year old girl, 3 year old girl, and the 1 year old boy) The 1 year boy was a sleep when everyone left and the parents said that he would stay asleep the whole time. Well, the other children where playing loud so that little boy woke up. He was scared, tired, and mom and dad weren’t there so he was freaking out. He was screaming and crying so hard. Al* was trying to help but wasn’t getting anywhere so I asked if I could try. I held the little guy and took him into the kitchen away from all the noise. I bounced around that kitchen softly telling the boy how good he was until he rested his head on my shoulder. He kept looking up at me and then his eyes would slowly start to shut.  I never felt that feeling before and I can’t even explain what it was. He gradually drifted asleep and I was so elated that it was me that got this boy to calm down and sleep. After the elated feeling hit its peak I then felt immense sorrow. It could have been due to the extra hormones but I was almost driven to tears. Why can’t this be my son/ daughter. I stared at him with a pain in me that I thought would never go away. Then I heard the front door open. The little boy stayed asleep but then the dogs barked so he was awake. I handed him off to his mother even though I didn’t want to. The rest of the night I just hoped that she would ask me to hold him so she could go to the bathroom, get some food, something. It never happened. The mother kept saying, “they just know, babies know.” Know what? That I’m a Mom that got him to fall asleep. Because thats how I take it. The childless mother was able to get the baby to sleep. I was depressed the rest of the night. Once we left and almost home my husband was talking about how cute I looked holding the baby and that I did so good with him. I did not want to hear that. I told him, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was that.  The next day was awful. My period was in full swing with unbearable cramps and an emotional downslide that crippled me for the day. I laid in bed for 4 hours only to get up to use the restroom and get a drink because my body required it. We had to go grocery shopping and I put on the facade to complete that task. By the end of the day I was back to normal. It was a rough 24 hours and I was glad when it was over. But it does make me want to do the research and the appointments sooner rather the later. I am going to force myself to wait until January but 2015 is the start of something good for us. It has to be.

4

Give Me a Break…Unfortunately

My weekend was fantastic…not really! Saturday my friend was having a party and we were getting ready to go. I found out my period had started the worst possible way, with my husband, that was extremely humiliating and embarrassing. Then I am leaving the bedroom and find out that my laundry room is flooded by my hot water tank that decided to break. Appropriately, we spent our Saturday night cleaning our laundry room. Sunday morning we ran to Home Depot to get a new tank and find out about installs. The extremely helpful worker told us”….I’m not sure but if you call the number on the box(proceeds to look at the box) 1-800-homedepot they should be able to help.” While we are still in the store I call the number. I get to an associate who starts taking my information after I tell him what I am looking to do. After he takes my information I ask him for prices for the install and he says,” I don’t have an answer for that but I can take down your number and have them call you with an answer…they will probably call you sometime tomorrow after, like, 5pm. It would probably be better for you to just call back tomorrow.” I tell my husband that and he asks if there is any way we can just get an appointment and go from there. I ask the gentleman on the phone that and he says, “I actually can’t set up appointment but I can put you in the system and they can contact you for appointment times tomorrow or you can just call tomorrow, that will be faster anyway.” Well, thanks for all of your help mister man on the phone. We then buy the tank and some supplies to head home. Josh thinks he can figure it out but it was more then he could bargain for. We contact my step dad who came over to help us out(Thank God!) Unfortunately, we all missed the whole Browns VS Steelers Game…but at least we won!!!!! Thankfully, I had Monday off for the bank Holiday so I was able to catch up on my laundry. It was a great weekend.

Saturday I started, kind of. I wasn’t supposed to start until Wednesday. It abruptly showed up(unwanted) for Saturday night, was gone Sunday, then came back with a vengeance today. My back starting right below my shoulders down to the lower back is killing me. I have a headache and my right side is kind of bugging me as well. The joys of being a lady, Im over it!

As I have stated before, this was out last round of Clomid. No more Clomid. So, what’s next? Well, My plan is simple. I am taking a break from all this through the Holidays. I want to focus on paying down so medical and dental bills that have accrued over the last year. If and when we decide to move forward with insemination or other testing or whatever its going to be expensive. We might as well start paying some things down over these next 3-4 months while we don’t have anything going on. My next major dentist appointment is already scheduled for the end of January and we can just continue with my testing in February. During that time I am going to focus on ME…and my house. We still need a new roof which is priority #1 with the house. Then the other things: New carpet, new bed, new furniture, painting, etc. Repairing a house is a never ending battle. In January or maybe even February I will contact my GYNO to ask her for some test to be done. I am going to do more research but I heard that getting the same procedure done by an RE or an GYNO, it is cheaper by the GYNO. If any of you know if thats true let me know? I want to get the testing for Endo and I would like my Thyroid checked as well. My Mother-in-law, who is a nurse, suggested that because of my concern with my weight gain. During this break I am considering getting a second opinion on my situation as well(RE or GYNO). My Mother-in-Law also agrees with that. My husband doesn’t agree but said that I can do what I want. I might look into more at the facility I go to now or I may use a different one. That I am not sure of as well. I am basically going to be doing research on my break and making decisions after the Holidays. I am also going to track my periods too but no ovulation kits, pregnancy test(unless really late), and trying not to plan sex. I don’t think that will be a problem but sometime both myself and my husband catch ourselves counting when we should even before we were on Clomid.

I am sad. I was crying on the way home yesterday and almost broke down at work today when a customer brought in her 9 week old baby girl. Its rough knowing that Im still not pregnant 2 years later. Yet another Holiday season with no baby, baby bump, or baby announcement. My birthday is in December as well and it would be the ultimate present to get pregnant, to know Im going to be a mom. That’s all I want is to be a mom. Therefore, to make that happen I have to get it together. Any advice on that feel free to share. I am up for any suggestions at this point. Send good vibes my way because during this break of mine my best friend Em* is going to have her baby, her sister-in-law is going to have her baby, I just found out another friend is pregnant, and Amber* is going to have her twins. I will be surrounded and though I am thrilled for all of them it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Send this girl some strength!

0

First Doctor Appointment

My first Doctors appointment was last week on Wednesday(05/14/14). I was extremely nervous all day even though I had a feeling I knew exactly how the appointment would go. One of my friends had already gone to an appointment with this doctor. She had been trying for 9 months and said the appointment was a breeze. She walked in, was told to do basic blood work, and was put on Clomid. Knowing this information, I was hoping that this is how my appointment would go.

Fast Forward to the appointment. I go into the exam room with the Nurse and she asks me,” So, Why are you here today?” I explain to her that I needed a PAP…Also, that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and a half and it hasn’t happen. The nurse tells me the Doctor does one or the other, she can’t do both appointments. I told the nurse that I can always reschedule the PAP, my husband came to this appointment so we could discuss a baby, so, let’s make this a fertility appointment. With that decided the nurse said she needed to ask me some questions and that they were a little weird. She begins to ask me, “Do you have trouble walking? Do you have trouble with everyday tasks like shopping? Do you have problems eating? Do you fall a lot? Do you have an bruises?” I responded with, “I don’t have have any bruises…you can check if you want just don’t judge my white legs!” I am the kind of person that tries to make jokes and make people laugh when I am nervous. She said that the doctor would be in shortly and that she would go get my husband. The nurse also told me the undress from the waist down because she may do a pelvic exam. Well, my husband had already said he DID NOT want to be in the room when the doctor did the exam. He said, “I can handle seeing you naked but I don’t want to see someone examine you” LOL.

My husband comes in the room and says, “I have never been so upset to see you with your pants off.” Josh is a jokester like myself. So, the Doctor finally comes into the room and we begin talking. Just asking us questions about my cycles, diet, smoking(which i don’t), health history, and other things. The Doctor then started asking Josh questions since he does already have a child. He brought up his military time and his exposure to radiation. After all the chatting she got down to business. She said that normally what happens is blood work from me, sample from husband, and then a radiation exam(or something like that) where they shoot a liquid in my cervix then take me to radiology to verify Im not “clogged up”. The doctor then says she doesn’t like doing that test unless she has to because it is painful and difficult to schedule. The Doctor then asked if I was opposed to using prescriptions to help…..I know where this is going! Not opposed at all! So, she tells me I have to get blood work done, Josh has to give a sample and that she will give us Clomid. The Doctor then explained Clomid(which I already knew about) and says that her plan is to give us Clomid for 2 months; if nothing happens she will up the dosage and contact an RE. The Doctor also said that if we wanted to we could skip her step and go straight to the RE. I said no to that, I wanted to try the Clomid. After all this the Doctor said she was going to go “take a listen” and for whatever reason my husband and I thought that was the pelvic exam. When we asked her that she said,”No, Im not listening to your uterus…I’m not a uterus whisperer. I can’t tell it to make a baby!” It was hilarious. Both my husband and I started laughing and we both knew she was the Doctor for us. With our sarcasm and our sense of humor we were glad to see that our Doctor had one too!

I left the appointment very happy and Josh did too. I am going to get my blood work done tomorrow and we are still trying to figure out when Josh will give his sample(insurance concerns/problems). I can just hope that all the blood work come back normal, Josh’s sample comes back normal, and we are good to go. So positive thoughts, prayers, whatever you are into send it our way if you can!