5

Josh’s Urology Appointment

It has been so long….

Nothing has been going on. We were told by my doctor that due to Josh’s numbers being low that we were to wait and see what happen with his thyroid medicine to see if that made a difference in his numbers. The only problem with that is that his doctor requires him to be on each dose for 3 months before checking his thyroid numbers to see if they have improved at all. Josh has been able to get the doctor to move the dosage sooner because he noticed no difference and his thyroid numbers weren’t moving very much so the doctor has made some exceptions. This also mean there has been no baby appointments since July…..which was kind of nice to be honest. I only stressed a few times about it but it was nice to not be worrying everyday, expecting my period, not being depressed when it came. It was a little relief to get a break again. Obviously it was frustrating to have everything on hold again but I accepted it.

During this little break I found out a friend of Josh’s was pregnant with twins from IVF and she works at the same company as me. I decided to pry a little to get some information. She had told me that they were trying for 2 1/2 years and once they went to a doctor they found out her husbands count was low, 3 Million. They did six rounds of clomid, three rounds of femara, one laprascopic surgery, four failed IUI’s, and one round of IVF. I don’t remember what the laprascopic was for, I believe her tubes where clogged, but I can’t remember. She told me that her husband was put on vitamins from his doctor to improve his count. Just vitamins you can buy at a local grocery store. This concoction improved his count from 3 Million to 80 Million in just three months. HOLY COW. I bought those the next week. It cost 35 dollars. Two of the bottles lasted a month and the other 2 have about a month left. I also asked her about the cost of the IVF. I already knew how much IUI would cost and even though we are going though different facilities I was just curious since we work for the same company and use the same insurance. She said that it was the 9,800 down before the procedure could be done. From there the meds cost anywhere from 2,800 to 5,000 dollars. She stated that her cost 2,800(If I have to I hope it’s the same). Then there is the doctors appointments, blood work and ultra sound that are covered under insurance but you have to pay the difference for. It’s just nice to have a price point in mind if it ever gets to that. I also didn’t know that you could claim that on your taxes which I though was awesome. I obviously don’t know the details but its nice to know that going through all this that we can at least get something back for it, financially. I hope it doesn’t get to that point and that we can do this ourselves or with IUI.

Josh had his appointment this past Monday with a urologist. It was just like any other first appointment where not much happened. They did an exam on him, ask us numerous questions, and Josh gave a sample for a semen analysis since the last one was from May. Josh has been taking those vitamins for the last month so I am hoping it made some what of a difference. His doctor said they will do the semen analysis, they will do a DNA test to verify his supply is good, and they want to do blood work. Josh still needs to do the scan and the blood work but we are just waiting on results right now. The DNA test takes about 3 weeks to get the results. Hopefully, everything is good and we can do IUI the end of November. My cycle decided to go haywire this month and come 9 days early. It is kind of good though because that moved my ovulation to occur after we get his results. Though that was very annoying it is kind of a blessing in disguise.

My periods have been awful lately. They are so painful. The day before I am in pain and the day of I am dying. I noticed that I have pains on the right side every month. It never alternated which I found odd. The pain in my lower back is constant, it is a really intense pressure and sometimes shooting pain that happens every month. It doesn’t matter what I take or drink or do that never goes away. The second day it isn’t too bad. I really don’t want them to test for Endo until after at least one round of IUI(if it gets to that) but I think that it might be necessary. Prepare for TMI: I have pain during sex and its worse after, awful (lower back and lower abdomen) pain during and before periods,(painful) diarrhea during and before periods, and Bloating during and after periods. More recently inconsistent periods and bleeding in-between periods. The pain I have during my periods knocks me out. The lower back and lower abdomen pain makes me not want to get out of bed at all. But I have to. I can’t call off work every month. I don’t know what to do. I am going to try to just grin and bear it until after we get Josh’s test results back. Until then. We wait.

2

Updates and Public Posting

I have accomplished a lot over the last month. I got it together.

I contacted my Insurance that I have through my new job. To sum it up. I have a high deductible HSA Account which means that I have to pay out of pocket for everything or with my Health Saving Account until i hit my deductible. Infertility is not covered….except the usual diagnosis and treatment. As in, if I have Endo, the diagnosis of that and the treatment of the Endo is covered. BUT not anything that will help us get pregnant: meds, appointments, nothing. Great!

I started going to the gym again. It has been a slow process but I am back. I feel so good after I go which makes me excited to continue.

I also decided to get a second opinion and see a different doctor. I believe that there was a lot of miscommunication with my first RE. That made me uneasy to continue the process with her. I know a friend that is seeing her with no problems. I spoke with 2 separate friends about this. The first friend is seeing an RE at the same facility that I have been going to: it’s just a different RE. Lynn* is the other friends I have been speaking with who is seeing a RE at a completely different facility then what I was at now. Lynn’s* process with this doctor has been awesome which makes me very optimistic about her. I set up at Appointment with this doctor for May 18th.

I also started spotting today; VERY VERY Lightly. Barely anything. but it started. I am not supposed to start until Sunday…Mother’s Day. Yea, thats happening. I am spotting 5 days early. I am trying to tell myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is implantation. At the same time I am telling myself, “Don’t get your hopes up!” I also woke up extremely nauseous. All day, all I have been thinking about is this spotting. This is the worst part of the journey. The uncertainties. I haven’t started yet but there is a little brown. Which could be me starting OR it could be me getting pregnant. I am not taking a test until a week after I am supposed to start. So I will test on May 17tth or May 16th. The latest my period has been before is 3 days. I am hoping that IF I am not pregnant that it comes on Sunday or the day after. Obviously I don’t want to start on Mother’s Day but I just want consistency, which is not an option with TTC.

I also posted a lot on my Facebook and Instagram during National Infertility Week. I posted ecards, links about infertility, or quotes about what Infertility and how this effects us emotionally. With that I was essentially making it known that Josh and I were struggling with this disease. I posted everyday during that week, sometimes multiple posts. I also got an overwhelming amount of positive feedback from people. Every post got so many “Likes” as well as positive comments. I also received five different messages and two different text of people giving us well wishes, sending prayers, letting me know they are there for us, or asking me questions about what I have been going through. I was elated. I knew there was a reason that I decided to open up about infertility. I knew that when I started aggressively posting things that it was going to draw attention to me but I was prepared for that and for negativity. And it didn’t happen. Lynn* also publicly posted her blog on Facebook. I was so surprised. I thought she was so strong for being able to post something so personal. It made me want to post mine. I was intimidated to post something so personal, it made me very vulnerable, and couldn’t believe that she posted hers. To explain a little, her blog is mostly medical. It does have some emotional aspects to it but not as much venting as mine does. I took some time to myself to read over my blog again. I examined it, walked away for a bit, examined it again, and did some editing. I didn’t do a lot of editing but there were some things about others that I took out. It was not my place to put other people business out there. The people that I do talk about I asked them to read it to verify that it was ok I posted it. I decided to post it to Facebook. After reading this I think that it will be on there. I spoke with my husband about it and all he said was, “Does it have all our sex stuff on it?” which means that he is OK with it. I know that there will be people that feel negatively about this and will have their opinions. As all of us know, we deal with this all the time. I can handle that and accept that I am opening myself up to it even more by posting this. BUT I also know that by opening up about our struggles and showing the raw emotions I feel that it can potentially help others. Others that feel alone, experience the Taboo of Infertility, or don’t have anyone to talk to about this   disease. So, here it goes. Things are getting real; Get ready because I am in it to win it! Time to get this baby train going.

0

She Said My Name!!!

I am not sick anymore…THANK GOODNESS! I am still not 100% but I am doing better than I was last week or the week before. It feels god to be back to myself. being sick is exhausting.

Let’s talk about the kid’s Birthday Party I went to this weekend. I was good during the whole party and was having fun visiting with a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a while. besides Facebook. It was at this place, indoors, that was full of playgrounds to play on. It was cool and great for the 2-7 year old kids that were there. AND only 2 kids got hurt so it was good LOL. It was a good time. After that we went out to eat with Em*, her husband, and their two kids. We had a good time with them, as usual. Something amazing happened too! I was super jealous because even though their almost 2-year-old always loves hanging out with me she still said Josh’s name first. I was kind of saddened by that. Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, Em’s* husband said, “Say bye to Tiff”(we shorten it to Tiff to try to get her to say it) and she said it, “Bye Tiff” WWWHHHHHHAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!! I was so excited! When we got in the car I was gushing about how she finally said my name. I was in my own little world. I was ecstatic until I got home and checked Facebook. I see that Em* tagged me in a post. I was just assuming it was something about the party but that’s not why I was tagged. (Edited to protect whoever might not want information out there) “So thankful for the great friends (Retail Store) has given us! We celebrated (Friend’s Son)’s 4th birthday today and then met up with Tiffany and Josh, who my kids adore and after leaving (Em’s* Daughter) kept saying tiff, josh! They are so good to my kids and couldn’t ask for better friends”

….. I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was elated that Em* felt that way, that we have these great kids in our lives, and that we have such great friends in our lives. I was also devastated. That I spent the day with all my friends that have kids…most of them have two kids, that the first baby in my life to say my name wasn’t my baby, that I adore these kids with all my heart but they aren’t mine, that we were the only friends at the party without kids, and that we are still on this journey that feels like it is going nowhere. Josh then yelled to me from the other room. Telling me that because I am better with words to comment something nice. He had already wrote a comment but it was just a thank you type phrase. So, I sat there for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what to write because I was stuck. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think to even begin to type. I mustered up some words then went to bed. I had no desire to try to stay awake after that. I had no energy to function. I sulked for the rest of the night and got over it.

I found the positive the next day. This little girl said my name, we have great friends, and we spent the whole day with great people.  My job is going well. I understand how people said it can be stressful but so far it is a stress that I can manage. This job is also the kind that you don’t bring home which makes me happy. Things are good. I am going to look into my insurance again tomorrow to see what is under the specialist category. I have only been there for a month, I don’t know if that means anything. All I know is that I have high deductible and HSA Account. I have never had insurance like this so I am not sure what to do with it. I’ll figure it out. Once I get that situated I am calling my doctor for an appointment. Well, we are in our ovulation time so I have to go. Wish us luck!

7

Ovulation and 2WW

I KNOW, I KNOW…I haven’t been around I had to catch up on over 2 weeks of information from all of you. That took a while. Then I felt I could finally type.

Leaving a job and starting a new one is very stressful. On account of holding a leadership position at the previous job, I was working until the last minute I was there. It was exhausting. Luckily, I was able to take some time off during my last week. At the previous job you had to use the vacation you have earned or you lose it. You are also able to transfer vacation to the next year from the previous. I transferred some time(just in case we got pregnant, that way I could take a little more time off) so I had 23 hours available to use and my manager said I could use it all whenever. Unfortunately, we were understaffed and the only time I could take my vacation was my last week. There was a holiday that week which meant that I was going to work one day; I was OK with that! It was nice to just relax before starting my new job. Now, I have been at my new job officially for a little over two weeks. It is much different from my other jobs but it is in the Operational/Fraud/ Research side so I am loving it! As many of you know when coming into a new job you have to learn EVERYTHING and with a Operational/ Processing type job…that’s a lot! With that said I am also working farther away from home and much earlier in the morning. There have been a lot of adjustments. I am still adjusting to everything. I have been dog tired all the time from all of these changes. I am excited to finally become accustom to the new career and schedule though. I know that this is whats best for our house hold.

As of today: I am on CD23 and 4(maybe 5)DPO.

Now for the 2WW. My app says that I can take a test in 9 days but I want to wait 12 days and my adoring husband wants me to wait and take it in 6 days. I ever so gently told him, “That ain’t happenin, Champ!!!!!” He then told me that he was going to steal my pee…… I couldn’t stop laughing! We also used Pre-Seed this time and I am hoping that helps us. We had used it before but our timing was off for when we thought I was ovulating. My hubby did some research and said that since we know when I ovulate that we should use it again. I love when he says stuff like that. That, “I’ve been researching this too, I want this too, I want to help” kind of stuff! It reminds me that I am not the only one in this relationship that wants a baby. If all goes well I will be testing on the 23rd. If all goes not so well, I am scheduled to start on the 17th. I am still trying to figure out my insurance. They sent me a packet but I have never had to figure out insurance this way so I am a little confused. I need to call my HR/ my future insurance company to find out more. At my last job there was virtual assistance, Alex,  that helped you understand everything that was offered. You would answer questions like: How many doctors’ visits might you have next year, specialist visits, medicines, ER visits, and others like that. Then he would compare the different plans and suggest the one that best fit you. It made everything very user friendly for someone like me. They offer a few different providers as well, I think. We know what plan we are going with but I don’t know how to decide which provider. I have to figure it out soon though. We need to do this appointment to figure out whats next. Have a good rest of the week everyone!

QUESTIONS:

How long do you ovulate for?

How to you measure DPO if its more then one day?

I assume you use the last day, right? Do you only test by how late your period is or by how many DPO you are?

What should I look for in my new insurance?

Any providers that I should avoid or that you prefer?

2

2WW…Finally

When we finally started using the OPK I knew what I was looking for BUT was getting very annoyed because all I was seeing was this:

20150201_170900-2

With the conversations Josh and I were having about ,”What to do if you don’t ovulate” I was getting unbelievably nervous. What if I don’t ovulate? I mean, I know that it has been 2 years(and 5 months) and we have never checked that before. I know now that we should have just bit the bullet and bought the OPKs earlier but now that we were using them I was scared that I didn’t. I don’t know why I was worried because from the BPT I knew I ovulated late. It’s still trying on the soul when you keep seeing that BFN every day or twice a day!

One morning before work I forgot to test and knew that while I was at work I needed to not use the restroom at least an hour and a half before I left work. That way I gave myself the time to take the test right when I got home. I come home, chat with Josh for a moment, then go to the restroom. I set a timer because I will either A. sit there forever and wait for an answer or B. forget about the test and miss the result. When I hear the timer go off. i trot to the restroom with no particular thought in mind. I was just blank because every other time it was negative. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

20150203_151840

I Screamed!!!! Holy Sh#t! BOO, YES, IT SAYS YES, I OVULATE, IT SAYS YES, LETS DO THIS!!!! I was excited to put it lightly. CD17 this time. We both agreed that we are going to buy these for the next few months and still can’t figure out why we didn’t buy them sooner. With the Clomid we were always focused on doing it early. We even changed the time we took it to an earlier time to see if that would help. Obviously not. Josh thinks that because we were always focused on the early part of the cycle that maybe it truly was bad timing. To a point I agree but with how long it has been I don’t know if I fully agree with that. It can’t just be “bad timing”

With my new job and not knowing how the insurance works there we figured that for now OPK are our best shot until we figure out my insurance in March. I get all the insurance information on my first day(February 23rd) we will determine what to do from there. As I said before, my doctor wants to meet so that is the first step or get 2nd opinion then go from there.

I am supposed to start on Valentines Day…so romantic. Way to ruin everything Flo! In a week we will see what happens. Let’s get the BFP!!!

2

Now I Feel Confused and Foolish

No surgery for me…for now…I think!

Originally when I spoke with Lisa* she was saying I could get the surgery Tuesday(27th) or depending on my cycle in February sometime at the end of February. My manager was sick and when he finally came back on Saturday(24th) He said, “Don’t worry about this place. Do what you have to do. Just see if you can get it done next week and we will go from there.” Don’t have to tell me twice.

I contacted my Doctors Office on Monday morning to see if I could still go in for the surgery on Tuesday(Crazy, I know). I realized I was speaking with Lisa* so I asked her about the Cycle Days with the surgery. She said that surgery had to be done between CD 5-11. She said that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to get into the surgery that quick. She finally called me back at about 11AM. Hello Lisa* Tell me something good! Lisa* tells me that, “since the Doctor hasn’t seen you since the HSG she isn’t going to do the surgery because you need pre-testing to verify that you need the surgery. She doesn’t want to cut for no reason. So, she said let’s schedule an appointment to discuss what you want to do next.”

…….

Though I am grateful she doesn’t want to cut into me for no reason and I was skeptical about just going right into a surgery without pre-surgery testing. I am a little confused and feel rather foolish. I have been talking to them for almost 2 weeks about this. Why wasn’t something said sooner about not doing the surgery until after I spoke with her sooner? Or why didn’t the doctor say something when I messaged her to get information on the surgery? The doctor told me at the HSG that because it came back normal that this is the next test she wanted to do. I completely understand that I need pre-testing but let’s just schedule that. I don’t want to waste time with us chatting…AGAIN for me to come back for another visit after that to get this going. I just want us to figure this out.

There is another potential obstacle for us as well. I have applied for a new job a few weeks ago and did a final interview today. I think that all went well! It is a bit of a drive but its a pay increase and if I do get the job it is a great opportunity to move up in banking. I want to go back to school and it is much more of a possibility if I get out of the branch side of banking; this would be a move to the operational, back end of banking. I am hoping for the best BUT it is yet another delay in the TTC journey because of the delay in insurance.

I was talking with Josh about this tonight. We are going to get him tested in March; when his insurance through his work kicks in. We are FINALLY going to start using OPT(Ovulation Prediction Kit). I know I am way behind the times for someone that has been TTC for over 2 years. I just got some First Response ones from a friend but I was wondering:

-What OPK do you guys prefer?

-Where do you buy them from? (They can be pretty expensive)

-Is there a better time to test?

As I said, I am behind the times. The past 2 I took I got “?”. The first one I think was my fault…I MAY have unclipped it in a nervous frustration while waiting for the answer! I swear it was way more then 5 minutes. BUT the second time I think I did everything right and still got a “?”.  I know what OPKs are but I haven’t looked into them too much because of the price but now….With all these delays and insurance and new job and house repairs and anything else that can and will happen. I don’t want to keep allowing these delays to hold us back. I want to do everything I can to get us a baby.

Any other advice for someone who:

-Has normal blood work(boarder line diabetic is the only thing)

-6 rounds of Clomid- Fail

-And Negative HSG Results(Right ovary was a little far away, long right tube)

I am open to any suggestions on opinions I was even thinking of posting my Blood work results on here to see what people think. Maybe next post. I am tired! =] Let me know what you guys are thinking!

6

Endometriosis Surgery Question

I called my Insurance back again to verify what was or was not covered. Taking multiple peoples’ advice I contact my Doctor’s Office first to get the more precise information to ask the Insurance company. I called and spoke with Lisa* who was specific to my doctor(a nurse, secretary, or something like that). When I spoke with Lisa* she told me the procedure code for the Diagnostic Laparoscopy. She then told me to not mention Infertility at all(which I knew after talking to you fine folks). I then contacted the Insurance company to ask the question yet again. I told the woman on the phone that I had a procedure code and wanted to verify if it was covered under my new insurance? I gave her the code and she said,” Yes, it is covered…depending on why it is being done.” I was baffled that she could even say that, “depending on why” What? Why does that matter? I asked the obvious question, “What do you mean by that?” She responds with, “Well, if you have predetermined symptom that suggest Endometriosis that it could be covered but if it is being done for Infertility purposes then it could be denied” WHAT? I didn’t even say Infertility, do you have a note on my file? Do you know me? I was blown away. At that point I was just confused as to what I was supposed to do but held it together and pushed the confusion aside to finish this conversation. After we hung up I was so pissed. There is no way to candy coat this. I was confused as to why a procedure could be approved for patient A because they have signs of Endo but Patient B wants to have a child and needs to this test but it is not approved. Why is an Insurance Company allowed to do this? UNBELIEVABLE!

Today I decided to contact my Doctor again to find out the soonest I could have the surgery and get a quick overview of the surgery because I knew nothing about what was going to be done to me. All I knew is that I was going to get 2 small cuts and a camera was going into me to check for Endo. I called the Doctor and it was Lisa* again. I told her what my insurance said and she was very kind. She looked over what I had done last year to see what was and wasn’t covered. Everything was covered but that wasn’t any help to me see as I have a whole new Insurance Company now. But it was nice she went out of her way to look into that. She then said that we should hopefully be able to cover it so that it is mostly covered by the insurance. Once I heard that I felt a little relief. Now time for procedure questions: I asked when was the soonest I could have the procedure done? She said that it depended on my cycle and asked when my period started. Well, it started Sunday Night. Lisa responded with, “Next week then….so….Monday Tuesday or Wednesday….Tuesday the 27th would be when it is available.” WHOA that is quick. Well, my job is extremely short staffed so I know that is not possible. “When would be the next time?” “Well, again, that depends on your cycle. You would call us when you start and we could schedule from there.” Thats fine. Thats how most things work when you are getting testing to have a baby. Lisa continued, “The procedure takes about and hour and a half depending on what she finds” What do you mean by that? I thought she was just looking around. “If the Doctor find signs of Endometriosis then she will remove what she can which could potentially make the surgery last longer and the recovery last longer as well.” Ok, that makes more sense now but it also makes me a little more nervous. I have never been put under…EVER! So, the idea of almost an unknown time of how long I will be under is a little unnerving. I told Lisa* that “I was under the impression that I would be able to get the surgery Friday and come back to work on Monday.” Her exact response, “Oh, you are a strong woman! We suggest taking a week off(thats the max.) and you are limited to what you can do.” How in the world am I going to be able to take a week off work when we are short staffed? I don’t want to use vacation time for this. What if I don’t even have Endo and I have to take all this time off? OH GOODNESS! Lisa* then asked me what I do and I told her(I work at a bank). She said, “You are limited to lifting 10 lbs. which means no lifting Coin or heavy bags of money, are you in charge of the Vault(yes)? Then you will definitely need help with the money once you go back. You need to be very careful you don’t tear or rip anything the Doctor did.” Rip or tear….that sounds great. That was all I needed and was exhausted from the information I received. I told her that I would contact her once  verify when I can have the surgery and it would most likely be next month after my period.

I contacted HR through my work just to verify what I am supposed to do when I have the surgery and I will use sick time to cover my time off. I was just comforted that I didn’t have to use any vacation time(if I use more then a week I will but I don’t plan on that). After doing some basic math I believe that it was between CD 9-11 I am supposed to get the surgery done. Well, instead of guessing I figured I would just call the Doctor’s Office back to ask. When I called the new lady I spoke with said that it didn’t matter when I had the surgery, I just couldn’t do it when I was on my period. Now I am even more confused. I want to do this sooner rather then later but I don’t want to overwhelm myself. The 26th of February I am having a wisdom tooth pulled and having a crown put in. An hour and a half appointment that I will need some recovery from for sure.  I was hoping that if there isn’t a time frame that I can get it done on February 20th. Six days of recovery should be enough right? Maybe? So here are my questions for you ladies:

Is there a certain time I need to get this surgery done?

How long should I give myself for recovery?

Is it a bad idea to do the surgery so close to my dentist appointment?

What was the surgery like for any of you that had it done? and the recovery?

How long was the surgery?

Whats the next step if it is Endo?

What’s the next step if it isn’t Endo?

Any help would be greatly appreciated! =]

8

Lack of Reassurance and Insurance

I called my new insurance company the other day to verify what they do or don’t cover for Infertility. I finally got to a person and asked the question. “What is your coverage on Infertility?” The man on the phone said the things you always hear,”Let me look you up to verify what is covered…SS#, DOB, Name, and whatever other information he asked I willingly gave to get my answers. He finally said,”We cover the testing of Infertility.” I was waiting for more words but nothing. I then asked, “What does that mean?” He said that any testing needed to find out the source of Infertility is covered” My testing is covered, OK Great, but what from there? What about my treatment after this “testing” that is covered? I asked with a fear because I already knew the answer. He didn’t say it for a reason so why even ask but I did. “What about treatment for the testing?” “No, that is not covered” was quickly heard coming from the other end of the phone. I responded with,”Just to make sure if I am tested for my tubes being clogged or Endometriosis and the results come back positive then the treatment for those things to be removed ,or whatever you want to call it, is not covered?” Another quick response,”Correct.” That was it. I am going to call tomorrow just to make sure because I find that odd. At least with my old insurance it covered treatment but new junk doesn’t.

I don’t know what to do. All the Fears are back and the Thankful is slowly dwindling away. I am almost wanting to put a pause to this whole thing(again) simply because of the cost. My dental bills are cut in half right now but I need more work done so those will go up again in no time. I am at a loss. I want to be a mother so bad and I want to have a baby so bad. I think that I am going to still do more research with my husband’s new insurance that would start in March. If that covers more than I will for sure switch to that and move forward with more testing. Even if I don’t move forward with Josh’s insurance that I will do the testing for Endometriosis for my own sanity. I have this gut feeling that is what it is and I’m hoping(and not hoping) that I am right. I think I am almost leaning on that diagnosis just so I have an answer. Infertility because of Endometriosis is better than Unexplained Infertility. We will just have to wait and see.

3

Question

So I apologize I haven’t updated. Still no computer, though my husband did get me a tablet which is very hard to try to type a blog entry on but I’m managing for this one. To get to the point, my husband and I messed up this round of Clomid, I had a wisdom tooth pulled among other things. So, this next cycle of Clomid is my last round and after that is our “break” to get the roof fixed before we get into insemination. I will still do my endometriosis testing but we will hold off on the baby part. I was wondering what the thoughts where on taking Clomid days 3-7 compared to days 5-9? I have heard both and when I called the nurse line before my HSG she said “continue taking it 3-7” and I corrected her with what the doctor said, “5-9” to which she responded with something like yes that. So, I was wondering all of your takes on the timing.

0

Are we Still on the Same Page?

I’ve been playing the fun game we all know and hate which is the 2WW. I am pretty sure I started spotting today so looks like the 2WW ended a little early for me. I was very hopeful because I haven’t been feeling that great lately: bloating(all the time), headaches(which I never get), nauseous, and tired. Now, I know that this spotting could be nothing and I could still be pregnant but I have a feeling it is just my Broken Time(as my husband calls it) creeping up to come visit. Another month down, another to go.

The other day after the Clomid Cycle my husband was talking to me about his insurance at his work. He had just reached the time frame required to be able to sign up for their benefits and was telling me about his conversation with a friend of his at work. Josh had told his friend about our situation and was asking what the company’s coverage was like for fertility or the pregnancy process. The friend said that its not that great and that it really just covers the basic stuff for pregnancy and child birth. The guy then asked Josh what his game plan was with us. Josh then told the guy, “If we aren’t pregnant by the end of the winter(which for our area is about March) then I think we should hold off for a bit. Heres the thing, my dogs are my kids so we can focus on the house for a bit first.” I was in a daze after hearing that. He doesn’t want to try any more. This is too much for him and he is checked out. I didn’t say a word the whole time he talked. i just sat there and processed every word that fell out of his mouth. Hanging on every syllable and praying that he comes back to the place where we were when he wanted this just as bad as me. So, the conversation just ended and I knew I wanted to talk to him about it but I wanted to find the words and not become a blithering idiot in the process.

We took some time off together because our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. With that being said I knew that we needed to schedule Josh’s Semen Analysis because they only do the testing from 7-2 and Josh works from 8-5 every day. Having a limited time frame I wanted us to do it on a day off so we weren’t “rushed”. I start to call to get everything scheduled and they need his insurance card and information. Well, his insurance is through the VA and when I tell the woman that on the phone she lists some carriers that Josh used to have but doesn’t anymore. She said that we now have to be contacted to verify if it will be covered or not. I then try to cheat the system and contact the local facility to schedule the appointment and ,sure enough, they send me back to the previous scheduler. I tell Josh to contact he VA to see if they can do it there and it be covered. He said his phone was dead and he will charge it, mow the lawn, and when he’s done he will call. He said that I can do my testing but maybe we should hold off on his until we know more. Also that I should contact my insurance today to see what all is covered since we haven’t done that yet either and we are already getting things tested. Now is the time to chat. Keep it together Tiffany(that’s Me), just find out where he stands.

I open my mouth, not even thinking and the word start falling out. “Babe, I wanna chat real quick before you go outside…So, what are you thinking will happen if the Clomid doesn’t work?” He then starts to talk about how we already talked about this the other day. That if the Clomid doesn’t work that we will take a break and get the house fixed up(need a new roof because its leaking, new furniture, carpet, bed. We also need to patch some holes still, paint, and a few other things). He said that he doesn’t want to get into the expensive IBF(Such a dork and corrected that) when we have work to be done around here. I then asked the question I was dreading, “So, after that does that mean you don’t want to try anymore, ever?” “No! not at all!” A HUGE sigh of relief falls over me. I couldn’t have been happier at that moment. He even said he’s not even considering us talking about adoption yet or anything like that and the he definitely still wants to continue trying. “We will do the every other day thing when we think you are ovulating and all of that stuff. But if we had a baby now I would be happy but worried too because we need so much done to the house.” Which I do agree with him on. It would be hard to try to care for a new baby financially when we need to spend close to 10k on a new roof. I told him that I was just worried because the other day he talked about our dogs being our kids and I thought he just didn’t want to try anymore. He corrected that and said that he wants kids with me,”You see how I get around kids of corse I want one.” So, we agreed that after these rounds of Clomid(I have 2 more) that we will hold off on the insemination process(which ever we may need) until we at least get a new roof. We will still do my testing on the 25th and if I need “cleaned out” we will do that as well. But, depending on what my insurance says will determine if we continue my testing or if we wait on that as well.

Its hard to hear that we are waiting again but we are on the same page. We are not waiting forever, we are still going to try. This isn’t an end, this isn’t a bump in the road, or an delay. This is just a different route to the same goal. I couldn’t be more overjoyed that we are still in this for the long haul. He is just being my realistic reminder while I sit in my baby bubble. So, Monday is the day. I find out if my Tubes and Uterus are doing their job for the most part. Then we go from there. hoping for the best, Preparing for the worst. I’ll be back with an update then! After our emotional conversation(only emotional for me, stupid period) feeling very clear. Lets do this!