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My First Pregnancy

On November 5, 2016 I saw my first positive pregnancy test. I was so nervous that we told very little people. Due to this being so unexplained I was very petrified it would end as quickly as it began. My MIL and Mother knew because of the calls made that day. The next day was my best friend’s son’s birthday party so I had to tell her. She cried and was so excited for us. Besides that I wasn’t telling anyone until after the first trimester. I was sick ALL THE TIME my first trimester. Not morning sickness, I had the flu, my entire first trimester. It was awful. Unable to take any medicine made for a very miserable 3 months. Thanksgiving I was very sick. No voice, sore throat, congestion, headaches, the works. I had that for around 2 weeks. I was OK for a little bit then got sick again shortly after Christmas and the worst of it hit New years night/day. I had the same symptoms as before but worse. My throat was so sore I only ate very cold/warm foods. I loved the sorbet Popsicle at Giant Eagle. They were so soothing. We announced on Christmas day, a little before the end of the first trimester. We thought it would be a great surprise to share it then. We told my stepdaughter first by giving her a shirt. We used that picture and a ultrasound to announce on Social media. The response was overwhelming. We received so many messages, comments, and text sending well wishes our way.

The first image is how I told my fathers side of the family at our family Christmas Eve party. The second image is the one that was posted on Social Media. Sorry, I’m not good at editing. I took video as much as I could during the pregnancy so I have video of when I told my step daughter and my Dad’s family. It was amazing. Overall, the first trimester wasn’t that bad. I was so unbelievably nervous and petrified. At the same time I tried to enjoy the fact that this was happening and that I was pregnant. Besides the flu, my morning sickness was just nausea…often without actually getting sick. I can’t complain too much about that.

My second trimester was a breeze. I wasn’t sick anymore. My friend let me use her at home Doppler and the beginning of the 2nd trimester was the first time I found her heart beat. That was such a wonderful reassurance to have. Knowing my babe was there. It was the best feeling ever. I started to show around 18 weeks. As they say, my belly just “popped out”. Around that same time is when I felt her kick for the first time. It was amazing. I think that she did kick sooner but I didn’t know what it was. It was such a faint flutter I know now but at the time I just thought it was gas or something in my gut. Silly, I was nervous for the scan at 20 weeks but all was well. I was very excited after our scan to find out all of her measurements were good. I did have to redo some of the measurements as well as redo my glucose test. I passed the 2nd time but it was not fun re-doing that test. I did have a few symptoms that made the 2nd trimester less fun. I developed insomnia. It was the worst. I was getting about 2 hours of sleep each night. There was also about a week where I developed sciatic pain. I remember one time specifically trying tie my shoes and I almost collapsed from the pain. I am so grateful that only lasted a week. The end of the 2nd trimester is when I finally bought maternity pants. I was buying shirts often but never pants for some reason. I just used a maternity band. Which was awful. It was fine at first but then my pants where just always falling down. The maternity pants didn’t fully fit my belly and they always fell down as well. I was happy for my third trimester to know my babe was almost here….and my pants would finally fit.

The third trimester. At first it was fine. It was just the 2nd trimester continued. Feeling good. My blood pressure and numbers were always good. My weight gain was fine and I was always measuring on time. The further I got into the trimester the harder it got. As I expected. I was told I was due July 17th. I always knew she was going to be early though. My back pain became very very difficult to bear. I would try to walk often and drank a lof of  water. Nothing really helped though. I just tried to rest and stretch as much as I could after I got home from work. Starting the beginning of June my feet and legs started to swell towards during work as well. Each week it got worse. I called my doctors’ office to verify what was happening was normal. They said it was but I went there to show them because I had the worst cankles I have ever had. When I got there they just told me it was normal and I need to elevate them, ice them, and drink water. I felt like “this can’t be normal”. It was. But I was in pain everyday and it became very overwhelming. It was and it was a pain I had never felt. My co-worker actually advocated for me to be able to work from home more often but it wasn’t allowed. I was very grateful someone spoke out for me. I felt that made it look less like me complaining and more like someone else noticing my struggle and trying to help. That happen the 3rd week of June. I told my co worker that in July I would pull my boss aside to ask to work from home more. I work an hour from home and my hospital I would be delivering at. For that reason I wanted to be home more often just in case I went into labor.

The closer we got towards the end the more my doctor said that she thinks that my babe “won’t be tiny”. She was saying that she will most likely be a 9-10 lbs baby. This just reassured me that I would go early. I was a 7lb baby and Josh was 9lbs. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility to have that big of a baby. I just knew our Sadie wasn’t going to be that big because she would be early. June 26th I had a doctor appointment and the doctor said that she was very convinced the baby would be big if I went full term. I was slowly dilating but I went from .05 cm to 1 cm in 2 weeks. With those to things she said that we should schedule a induction date a week earlier just in case. The doctor said that with it being my first there was no way to know if I would go early or not but we would schedule this just in case. The doctor also said that every time she scheduled an induction the mom went early. I was nervous about being induced because I heard a lot of rough stories about Pitocin and induction labors. The 27th I was at work and called to schedule my induction date. We schedules it for July 13th. I was very excited. VERY EXCITED!! I told my boss my new “Last day of work” that obviously it could be sooner but that was my induction date. When I came home that night it was just a normal night. I ate and then my husband and I hung out. We were laying in bed just listening to music. Putting music on my belly, which is something we had not done before. We started with calm, classical music. Then we had some fun and played DMX and Pink Floyd. I eventually went to sleep and never knew that everything was going change that night.

I was going to do this and the birth in one but it would be way too long. One last blog about the birth.

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Josh’s Urology Appointment

It has been so long….

Nothing has been going on. We were told by my doctor that due to Josh’s numbers being low that we were to wait and see what happen with his thyroid medicine to see if that made a difference in his numbers. The only problem with that is that his doctor requires him to be on each dose for 3 months before checking his thyroid numbers to see if they have improved at all. Josh has been able to get the doctor to move the dosage sooner because he noticed no difference and his thyroid numbers weren’t moving very much so the doctor has made some exceptions. This also mean there has been no baby appointments since July…..which was kind of nice to be honest. I only stressed a few times about it but it was nice to not be worrying everyday, expecting my period, not being depressed when it came. It was a little relief to get a break again. Obviously it was frustrating to have everything on hold again but I accepted it.

During this little break I found out a friend of Josh’s was pregnant with twins from IVF and she works at the same company as me. I decided to pry a little to get some information. She had told me that they were trying for 2 1/2 years and once they went to a doctor they found out her husbands count was low, 3 Million. They did six rounds of clomid, three rounds of femara, one laprascopic surgery, four failed IUI’s, and one round of IVF. I don’t remember what the laprascopic was for, I believe her tubes where clogged, but I can’t remember. She told me that her husband was put on vitamins from his doctor to improve his count. Just vitamins you can buy at a local grocery store. This concoction improved his count from 3 Million to 80 Million in just three months. HOLY COW. I bought those the next week. It cost 35 dollars. Two of the bottles lasted a month and the other 2 have about a month left. I also asked her about the cost of the IVF. I already knew how much IUI would cost and even though we are going though different facilities I was just curious since we work for the same company and use the same insurance. She said that it was the 9,800 down before the procedure could be done. From there the meds cost anywhere from 2,800 to 5,000 dollars. She stated that her cost 2,800(If I have to I hope it’s the same). Then there is the doctors appointments, blood work and ultra sound that are covered under insurance but you have to pay the difference for. It’s just nice to have a price point in mind if it ever gets to that. I also didn’t know that you could claim that on your taxes which I though was awesome. I obviously don’t know the details but its nice to know that going through all this that we can at least get something back for it, financially. I hope it doesn’t get to that point and that we can do this ourselves or with IUI.

Josh had his appointment this past Monday with a urologist. It was just like any other first appointment where not much happened. They did an exam on him, ask us numerous questions, and Josh gave a sample for a semen analysis since the last one was from May. Josh has been taking those vitamins for the last month so I am hoping it made some what of a difference. His doctor said they will do the semen analysis, they will do a DNA test to verify his supply is good, and they want to do blood work. Josh still needs to do the scan and the blood work but we are just waiting on results right now. The DNA test takes about 3 weeks to get the results. Hopefully, everything is good and we can do IUI the end of November. My cycle decided to go haywire this month and come 9 days early. It is kind of good though because that moved my ovulation to occur after we get his results. Though that was very annoying it is kind of a blessing in disguise.

My periods have been awful lately. They are so painful. The day before I am in pain and the day of I am dying. I noticed that I have pains on the right side every month. It never alternated which I found odd. The pain in my lower back is constant, it is a really intense pressure and sometimes shooting pain that happens every month. It doesn’t matter what I take or drink or do that never goes away. The second day it isn’t too bad. I really don’t want them to test for Endo until after at least one round of IUI(if it gets to that) but I think that it might be necessary. Prepare for TMI: I have pain during sex and its worse after, awful (lower back and lower abdomen) pain during and before periods,(painful) diarrhea during and before periods, and Bloating during and after periods. More recently inconsistent periods and bleeding in-between periods. The pain I have during my periods knocks me out. The lower back and lower abdomen pain makes me not want to get out of bed at all. But I have to. I can’t call off work every month. I don’t know what to do. I am going to try to just grin and bear it until after we get Josh’s test results back. Until then. We wait.

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Why Did You Do That Dove?

If you are like everyone else is the world I am assuming most of you saw that Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl comes the commercials. There were a lot of serious commercials and some funny ones as well. I liked the BMW i3 commercial and the Fiat one with the Viagra pill. Both cute commercials to lighten the intense game. The Nationwide commercial was extreme for me but definitely memorable, probably what they were going for. Obviously we have Budweiser. That dog…gets me every time! Josh said last years commercial was better but I thought this year Budweiser did just as well. I teared up, that little guy could have been eaten if it wasn’t for those Clydesdales. For me the most memorable commercial was Doves. Now most people probably wouldn’t say that or even remember the commercial compared to the others. Watching the TV intently through the commercials and I see this adorable baby jumping into Daddy’s arms in a pool. Then they continue with another adorable baby calling to Daddy…and it goes on and on with that.

Once that ultrasound was up I started to tear up, then the girl hugs her dad crying and I was done. I tried to hide it but Josh was sitting in the chair next to me and knew. He got out of the chair and crawled over to me. He hugged me and just asked the obvious question, “What’s wrong babe?” I tried to pull myself together but the second he hugged me and I felt his embrace the tears were flowing. “I want to give you a baby that can call Daddy out to you.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said ,”You will”. At that point the game came back on and I was doing everything to get him to his chair so I could pick up the pieces this Dove commercial crumbled for me. I said, “The game is back on….you are going to miss it.”  He held me tight and said, “I don’t care.” It was so sweet for him to drop everything except me. I love him so much it is unbelievable. He may not be that emotional or say all the gushing things but when it comes down to it he really tries to be that sensitive guy with the shoulder I need. He has been wonderful through this and I really am grateful for him.

Since I have been taking the OPK I have had nothing but BFN and its become a little frustrating. With this stupid app that I have it showed today as my last ovulation day and nothing. Now, when I took my temperature it showed that I ovulate late. I am hoping that I ovulate closer to CD 17-19. Seeing as CD 12-16 don’t feel like working with me. Another Josh moment I adore. As we were talking about this yesterday he was asking if its possible for me to not ovulate. I respond with a Yes. He then asked what would happen if I didn’t. I explained that it depends on what corse we/the doctors want to take. I could be but on Meds or need shots or nothing. Josh responded with a simple, “OK, I have no problem giving you shots if that’s what you need.” Thanks for that because I don’t think I could do it myself.

Today it decided to down pour some snow on to us Ohioans so when Josh and I spoke this morning it was about our awful drives to work and just making sure we both made it ok. I then get a random text from Josh in the middle of the day that said, “A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. Mind Blown.” I call him, “…someone has been doing some reading.” We simply chuckle at each other. He said that he had been thinking about it and decided to do some reading. He found that I could be ovulating right before my period “so maybe it was bad timing.” I hate that phrase but for once he could be right. We would never mess around close to my period for the messy reasons that we don’t want to happen. Who knows(I will in a few days, hopefully) maybe I could ovulate later then the usual Joe! Lets all hope for some BFP in the future, this girl needs to ovulate!

2

Clomid Chronicles Chapter Five

My last round of Clomid is done. I am apprehensive and relieved for it to be over…for now. Like I have stated before, the doctor said we could continue and I know that most doctors only allow to do it for six months. So, I would only have one more month if we did decide to continue with it. I just want to feel like me again! I will pass on trying it for one more month. If it doesn’t happen after five tries I’m not going to put my body through a sixth time. Also, this cycle I took the pills on days 3-7 instead of the typical 5-9 I was told by my doctor to do. I did notice more emotional effects but nothing crazy or unbearable like the first round which you can read about Here. Sill 100MG as well.

Day 1

8AM Take Pill

I don’t really remember what time it was, between 4:00PM-4:45PM, but I was getting ready to take money to the vault(I work at a bank, don’t think I have shared that before) and my coworker was talking to a customer. He was sharing that his weekend plans where to get their nursery together. he continued to talk about the building of things and painting. I went into the vault and had to take a minute. I had to get it together. I did not cry but I was right there. I was ready to just break down in that vault. I wanted to fall to the floor and just sob BUT I didn’t. I took about 30 seconds to gather my thoughts and my composure to walk out of that vault like nothing was wrong.

Day 2

8AM Take Pill

7PM We had my step daughter that day and we were on our way to a festival that was happening in a city near us. When we stopped for gas on the way there my husband got out of the car and my step daughter started talking to me about her cousin. She just blurted out that her 17 year old cousin was pregnant by her boyfriend. on a side note I am awful at hiding my true reactions to things. What I am thinking shows on my face 98% of the time. So, when my step daughter said that I know my face was bleeding with shock and disappointment. She believed this was all because the girl was only 17 and having a baby boy. But its OK because she didn’t plan on going to college(don’t even get me started there). As we were driving and rocking our to Flogging Mollies(Irish band, amazing). I stared out the window in disbelief of the news I just heard. Why can’t we get pregnant? This child can that is 10 years younger then me but we can’t. I was falling into a depressed state fast. Once we got there I brushed it off and enjoyed our time together but it still lingered with me for the rest of the night.

Day 3

8:45AM Take Pill

Day 4

8AM- Take Pill

9PM(ISH)- That night I was reading some the blogs and was thinking to myself, “I wonder if my RE is doing everything she can for me? Should I get a second opinion to see if another RE would do something different?” Then I was reading things about Unexplained Infertility and bout how its ok to get a second opinion. So, I decided to ask my husband about it. He said I don’t see a point because they will probably say the same thing so why waste our time and money. Then that conversation turned into well if IUI doesn’t work what is our next step? Which turned into my husband saying that IVF is very expensive, that he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money multiple times to try to have a baby, and that we could just adopt. Which lead to me crying and him asking,”Why do you always want to have these conversation when you are on Clomid?” I do have these conversation every time I am on Clomid to which I don’t understand. Apparently that is when I have epiphanies about things. Josh just hugged me. I told him that he doesn’t understand. Family is VERY important to me and he already has a daughter so he gets that but I want us to have our baby so I can know that feeling of being a Mom, not just a Step-Mom. He responded with, “we can do IVF, whatever you want to do, we can do that.” Reading it may sound harsh but it was not stated that way at all. It was a genuine gesture of “I will support you with whatever you want us to do.” I was so relieved that he was willing to go through this exhausting, never-ending, struggle with me so that we can eventually have our family.

Day 5

8AM- Take Pill

The rest of the time I have been on Clomid I have been in a depressed state. Just crawling through each day. Not doing anything extra that I could have. I did laundry and that is it because I had to do it. I had no energy to accomplish anything else. My body didn’t allow me to do anything extra these last few days. I was on the verge of crying ALL THE TIME. I am feeling a little better today but it is only my first day of not taking it so its not much of a change. But its almost time to push all the bad emotions to the side and start baby making. I need to get myself out of this funk and the baby shower I have to attend this weekend probably won’t help that. BUT I will make the best of that situation. I am so happy for my friend that did 1 round of Clomid and is having twins…if only we were all that lucky! So, I will kick ass at all the games, mingle, take a bunch of pictures, and enjoy the shower for my friend. I am so elated to be able to share this with her. Please send some strength, sanity, and positive vibes at this one so I don’t have a break down at this shower. I will hopefully have a BFP update after this coming 2WW.

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Are we Still on the Same Page?

I’ve been playing the fun game we all know and hate which is the 2WW. I am pretty sure I started spotting today so looks like the 2WW ended a little early for me. I was very hopeful because I haven’t been feeling that great lately: bloating(all the time), headaches(which I never get), nauseous, and tired. Now, I know that this spotting could be nothing and I could still be pregnant but I have a feeling it is just my Broken Time(as my husband calls it) creeping up to come visit. Another month down, another to go.

The other day after the Clomid Cycle my husband was talking to me about his insurance at his work. He had just reached the time frame required to be able to sign up for their benefits and was telling me about his conversation with a friend of his at work. Josh had told his friend about our situation and was asking what the company’s coverage was like for fertility or the pregnancy process. The friend said that its not that great and that it really just covers the basic stuff for pregnancy and child birth. The guy then asked Josh what his game plan was with us. Josh then told the guy, “If we aren’t pregnant by the end of the winter(which for our area is about March) then I think we should hold off for a bit. Heres the thing, my dogs are my kids so we can focus on the house for a bit first.” I was in a daze after hearing that. He doesn’t want to try any more. This is too much for him and he is checked out. I didn’t say a word the whole time he talked. i just sat there and processed every word that fell out of his mouth. Hanging on every syllable and praying that he comes back to the place where we were when he wanted this just as bad as me. So, the conversation just ended and I knew I wanted to talk to him about it but I wanted to find the words and not become a blithering idiot in the process.

We took some time off together because our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. With that being said I knew that we needed to schedule Josh’s Semen Analysis because they only do the testing from 7-2 and Josh works from 8-5 every day. Having a limited time frame I wanted us to do it on a day off so we weren’t “rushed”. I start to call to get everything scheduled and they need his insurance card and information. Well, his insurance is through the VA and when I tell the woman that on the phone she lists some carriers that Josh used to have but doesn’t anymore. She said that we now have to be contacted to verify if it will be covered or not. I then try to cheat the system and contact the local facility to schedule the appointment and ,sure enough, they send me back to the previous scheduler. I tell Josh to contact he VA to see if they can do it there and it be covered. He said his phone was dead and he will charge it, mow the lawn, and when he’s done he will call. He said that I can do my testing but maybe we should hold off on his until we know more. Also that I should contact my insurance today to see what all is covered since we haven’t done that yet either and we are already getting things tested. Now is the time to chat. Keep it together Tiffany(that’s Me), just find out where he stands.

I open my mouth, not even thinking and the word start falling out. “Babe, I wanna chat real quick before you go outside…So, what are you thinking will happen if the Clomid doesn’t work?” He then starts to talk about how we already talked about this the other day. That if the Clomid doesn’t work that we will take a break and get the house fixed up(need a new roof because its leaking, new furniture, carpet, bed. We also need to patch some holes still, paint, and a few other things). He said that he doesn’t want to get into the expensive IBF(Such a dork and corrected that) when we have work to be done around here. I then asked the question I was dreading, “So, after that does that mean you don’t want to try anymore, ever?” “No! not at all!” A HUGE sigh of relief falls over me. I couldn’t have been happier at that moment. He even said he’s not even considering us talking about adoption yet or anything like that and the he definitely still wants to continue trying. “We will do the every other day thing when we think you are ovulating and all of that stuff. But if we had a baby now I would be happy but worried too because we need so much done to the house.” Which I do agree with him on. It would be hard to try to care for a new baby financially when we need to spend close to 10k on a new roof. I told him that I was just worried because the other day he talked about our dogs being our kids and I thought he just didn’t want to try anymore. He corrected that and said that he wants kids with me,”You see how I get around kids of corse I want one.” So, we agreed that after these rounds of Clomid(I have 2 more) that we will hold off on the insemination process(which ever we may need) until we at least get a new roof. We will still do my testing on the 25th and if I need “cleaned out” we will do that as well. But, depending on what my insurance says will determine if we continue my testing or if we wait on that as well.

Its hard to hear that we are waiting again but we are on the same page. We are not waiting forever, we are still going to try. This isn’t an end, this isn’t a bump in the road, or an delay. This is just a different route to the same goal. I couldn’t be more overjoyed that we are still in this for the long haul. He is just being my realistic reminder while I sit in my baby bubble. So, Monday is the day. I find out if my Tubes and Uterus are doing their job for the most part. Then we go from there. hoping for the best, Preparing for the worst. I’ll be back with an update then! After our emotional conversation(only emotional for me, stupid period) feeling very clear. Lets do this!

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PERIOD

Yup, that happen yesterday! Now I will go get my 100MG of Clomid to start on Sunday. Let’s hope for the best on this one.

I don’t want to put all of my husbands business out there. Not like Im not already talking about his sex life and what not but we had a very big personal conversation after I posted about my RE Appointment and things got pretty intense. I just wanted to express how happy I am that I have him by my side through this whole process. I know that it is his process too but its nice having a support system that will be there for me when I need him. He told me, “I know that I don’t say it a lot but I do care about you a lot and I don’t want anything to happen to you…I love you so much and I want us to get healthy together! Also so you can stop being so self conscious because you are beautiful.” That is what I needed! He doesn’t express his emotions much and in the 6 years we have been together he has cried maybe 4-5 times. I told him that his nick name was going to be Spock because he doesn’t show emotions(I wouldn’t have know stuff like that before him…Im so lame). But it was nice to see that he cared that much, that it moved him, that he just wants us to be the best us that we can for this kid. I am so happy to have Josh as my husband. I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend the rest of my life with.