2

IUI/IVF Appointment

We had out IUI/IVF Appointment. It was just supposed to be an IVF appointment but we high-jacked it into a mixture of the two.

It started like a normal appointment where the nurse took us back to take my blood pressure, temperature, weight, and ask why we were there. I said that, ” we are here for our IVF Consultation” and the mood slightly changed with the nurse. She took Josh and I into a room and told us the doctor would be with us shortly. We didn’t have to wait long at all before the Doctor came in and took us to her office to chat, in her words. We sat down and the doctor made us a little picture to describe the process of IVF: Medications to increase eggs production and assist in ovulation, blood test and ultrasounds, egg retrieval, combining eggs and sperm to make embryo, waiting to see which ones take, insemination of embryos, waiting to see what takes, and baby!

The Doctor then explained the difference between IUI and IVF because Josh mixes them up sometimes when we talk. From there a lot of our discussion was about Josh’s count. She was saying that all Doctor’s agree that they want no lower then 1 million sperm count after the wash to do IUI or IVF. But there is that gray area that not all doctors agree on. She said that she knows that Josh’s count is low. “I think that we should try IUI first. If after the wash Josh has 2 million or more I feel very good about IUI, if its 1-2 Million I would still want to try IUI, if it is lower then 1 million then I would suggest IVF for the next cycle if IUI did not work. If that first round did not work as long as the 2nd round was 1 million or more I would want to try IUI again. We would only do IUI 2-3 times and if those did not work then I would suggest IVF going forward.” The doctor had high hopes for IUI with us. You could tell that she did not want to jump right into IVF without at least trying a IUI cycle.

We then started to vaguely talk about cost. She stated that there was a woman we should contact if we decide to go to IVF because this woman could give us options to help pay for it if we needed. As I have stated before: IUI is a “flat rate” (as the doctors describe it) of $420.00 for the Insemination and Sperm Wash. This does not include any medications, ultrasounds, blood work, or doctor appointments which we believe will average the IUI to about $550.00. The IVF package is $9,800.00 which includes the egg retrieval with ultrasound, sperm prep, fertilization(with ICSI, if needed), transfer, recovery room, preservation of remaining eggs or embryos, anesthesia, and cycle management. From there you have to pay for the medication which starts at $3,000.00 and go up from there.   You also have to add in the cost of the blood work, ultrasounds, or doctor appointments which we believe will average the IVF to about $15,000.00. She said that the finance lady has options for us and she understands the hesitation. That was refreshing to hear. The doctor also suggested ICSI because it would put the sperm right into the egg instead of allowing them to come together themselves. This is suggested to men suffering from infertility and as stated above, is included with IVF package. The doctor went over the risk with us as well as testing that we can get done to test for certain diseases that would be passed on to the embryo that we could remove. So crazy! From there we touched on my weight. She showed me statistics(which I don’t remember) about how likely it is for us to get pregnant. We had pretty good odds for our ages and diagnosis. BUT those odds drop with my weight being what it is. The doctor stated that the odds aren’t bad but the weight doesn’t help them either. This is something that Josh and I have discussed since the appointment.

The Appointment was an hour. The doctor answered all the questions we had and cleared up the process of both IUI and IVF for Josh. At the end of the appointment she gave us a folder full of IVF information and she put a paper about IUI in the folder for us to look over. I felt great after the appointment. Josh said that he felt the same and that it was nice to get all the information that we did.

We did win a trip to Hawaii and it was amazing. This picture was taken out first morning in Oahu. We woke up at 4AM(accidentally) and watched the sunrise over Diamond head. It was beautiful.

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We took this time to relax and not talk about any baby stuff. Unfortunately, when we got home I got very sick. We have been home a little over a week and I am just starting to feel better. I did start my period and I am on CD 5 which mean I am too late for this cycle to do IUI. I am actually OK with that. This cycle has been miserable, long, and painful. I was thinking that we might wait a month or two so I can get some gym time in. Since I have been sick that has not happened. Josh and I haven’t talked about when we are going to start the IUI process but as of right now I am thinking July. I know that I wont be able to work out this week because I still don’t feel well which means I will be giving myself 2 full months to change my/our diets and exercise more. Josh and I will go over this information again very soon to verify that we are on the same page. I may read this over again to add things that I may have forgot about the appointment but right now this is all I can remember. Thats what I get for waiting so long to type this blog. I will be back soon with our decision on when we will start IUI. I will make sure when that blog of the IUI appointment is very detailed and shortly after the actual procedure….unlike this one. My bad =].

 

5

Josh’s Urology Appointment

It has been so long….

Nothing has been going on. We were told by my doctor that due to Josh’s numbers being low that we were to wait and see what happen with his thyroid medicine to see if that made a difference in his numbers. The only problem with that is that his doctor requires him to be on each dose for 3 months before checking his thyroid numbers to see if they have improved at all. Josh has been able to get the doctor to move the dosage sooner because he noticed no difference and his thyroid numbers weren’t moving very much so the doctor has made some exceptions. This also mean there has been no baby appointments since July…..which was kind of nice to be honest. I only stressed a few times about it but it was nice to not be worrying everyday, expecting my period, not being depressed when it came. It was a little relief to get a break again. Obviously it was frustrating to have everything on hold again but I accepted it.

During this little break I found out a friend of Josh’s was pregnant with twins from IVF and she works at the same company as me. I decided to pry a little to get some information. She had told me that they were trying for 2 1/2 years and once they went to a doctor they found out her husbands count was low, 3 Million. They did six rounds of clomid, three rounds of femara, one laprascopic surgery, four failed IUI’s, and one round of IVF. I don’t remember what the laprascopic was for, I believe her tubes where clogged, but I can’t remember. She told me that her husband was put on vitamins from his doctor to improve his count. Just vitamins you can buy at a local grocery store. This concoction improved his count from 3 Million to 80 Million in just three months. HOLY COW. I bought those the next week. It cost 35 dollars. Two of the bottles lasted a month and the other 2 have about a month left. I also asked her about the cost of the IVF. I already knew how much IUI would cost and even though we are going though different facilities I was just curious since we work for the same company and use the same insurance. She said that it was the 9,800 down before the procedure could be done. From there the meds cost anywhere from 2,800 to 5,000 dollars. She stated that her cost 2,800(If I have to I hope it’s the same). Then there is the doctors appointments, blood work and ultra sound that are covered under insurance but you have to pay the difference for. It’s just nice to have a price point in mind if it ever gets to that. I also didn’t know that you could claim that on your taxes which I though was awesome. I obviously don’t know the details but its nice to know that going through all this that we can at least get something back for it, financially. I hope it doesn’t get to that point and that we can do this ourselves or with IUI.

Josh had his appointment this past Monday with a urologist. It was just like any other first appointment where not much happened. They did an exam on him, ask us numerous questions, and Josh gave a sample for a semen analysis since the last one was from May. Josh has been taking those vitamins for the last month so I am hoping it made some what of a difference. His doctor said they will do the semen analysis, they will do a DNA test to verify his supply is good, and they want to do blood work. Josh still needs to do the scan and the blood work but we are just waiting on results right now. The DNA test takes about 3 weeks to get the results. Hopefully, everything is good and we can do IUI the end of November. My cycle decided to go haywire this month and come 9 days early. It is kind of good though because that moved my ovulation to occur after we get his results. Though that was very annoying it is kind of a blessing in disguise.

My periods have been awful lately. They are so painful. The day before I am in pain and the day of I am dying. I noticed that I have pains on the right side every month. It never alternated which I found odd. The pain in my lower back is constant, it is a really intense pressure and sometimes shooting pain that happens every month. It doesn’t matter what I take or drink or do that never goes away. The second day it isn’t too bad. I really don’t want them to test for Endo until after at least one round of IUI(if it gets to that) but I think that it might be necessary. Prepare for TMI: I have pain during sex and its worse after, awful (lower back and lower abdomen) pain during and before periods,(painful) diarrhea during and before periods, and Bloating during and after periods. More recently inconsistent periods and bleeding in-between periods. The pain I have during my periods knocks me out. The lower back and lower abdomen pain makes me not want to get out of bed at all. But I have to. I can’t call off work every month. I don’t know what to do. I am going to try to just grin and bear it until after we get Josh’s test results back. Until then. We wait.

2

Rough Weekend

I guess it is appropriate that I write another post on my one year Anniversary of starting this blog. It’s crazy to think it has been a year. A year of trials and tribulations. A year of numerous babies but none of my own. A year of little solutions. No more of that. This is the year of solutions. It is the year of my dream baby girl. I am holding on to that Babygirl from my Dream. I am very optimistic about 2015. I have received nothing but positive reactions about my Blog. It is a little of a relief to know that I don’t have to repeatedly tell people about what is going on. It’s nice to be able to share feelings that I normally may have difficulties sharing and hope that people will better understand where I am coming from. I am not going to censor myself just because I made this blog public. I am still going to be me. I am still going to be raw with my emotions. This blog will not change. It’s just that now WHEN I get pregnant I won’t be able to announce it on here first like I originally planned to do. Sorry people.

On that note, I started my period on Thursday, after I did my last post. It was a few days early but that is going back to how my cycles were before BC over 6 years ago. They were short, only about 26 days. This was not to bad. I was very busy this weekend from the wedding I was in which meant I didn’t have time to be down on myself about it. I was in a bit of pain on Thursday though. My back kills me as well as my lower abdomen; I become extremely bloated and nauseous almost the entire day of my first full day of my period. It’s awful. I am just glad that it is done as well as this past weekend being done. It was a very very rough weekend.

As I stated, I was in a wedding this past weekend. Friday I left a little early to relax at my Brother’s before the wedding festivities began. I was sick all that morning and a little nervous for the drive down. The ride there was a little over 2 hours and it went smooth. I was relaxing, trying to catch up on my Grey’s Anatomy when my brothers’ cats decided to cuddle up with me. Even though I love animals, I have dogs, and was raised with them I am not a huge fan of cats. I can’t read them and have been bit by a cat before so they kind of freak me out. I was fine with this though. They weren’t too cuddly so it was ok. I realize after a bit that I was itching my arm and as I look down I realize that I have a rash on my forearm were the cat was brushing against me. I jumped off the couch and ran upstairs to take a Benadryl. After taking it I remembered that I had already taken a 24hr Benadryl the night before. I instantly thought, “oh $#@t! what did I just do” Two 24hr Benadryl in about an 18 hour period. I then begin taking pictures of my arm and sending it to my husband, my mother-in-law(a nurse) and a Nurse friend of mine. I don’t take much medicine so I first ask what will those pills do to me. my Mother-in-Law told me that I will just be drowsy but nothing will happen which made me feel a lot better. I left the house and decided to go to the venue early for the Rehearsal. The rehearsal went well and after that we all went to the Rehearsal Dinner. That’s when I started to not feel well. My arms had cleared up but I became extremely bloated and got a massive headache. My allergies have been bugging me all week but for whatever reason they really kicked in. I still don’t understand how because I had 2 Benadryl in me. I tried to eat but everything was making me more nauseous. The Bride asked me to run her to her Apartment and then back to her hotel after the Rehearsal Dinner and by the time we were done I got to my brothers around 10pm. I chatted with them for a bit, verified that the cats where not in the room I would be sleeping in, and went to bed.

I woke up Wedding Day morning feeling a little groggy but overall much better then the day before with no reactions to the cats. I took a shower then went to the hotel. I was the first one to get my makeup done. I only got my foundation done. I knew how to do my eye makeup but because I have very oily skin I wanted foundation that would last all day. I then did my eye make-up and had on of the other girls do my hair. At no fault to her, my hair was not doing what it should. After about an hour and a half as well as two different girls working on my hair it turned out awful. Again, not there fault, my hair was just doing its own thing. After that frustration, I tried to curl it and it wouldn’t hold curls so I just gave up. We were all eating lunch and the worst thing that could happen did happen. A girl accidentally spilt orange juice on my bridesmaids dress that was hanging up……….the Matron of Honor hangs the dress up in the bedroom and directs me to grab damp towels to try to absorb some juice. It was a Navy Blue Convertible Dress like these(not us): dresses

After patting it with damp towels, contacting a few dry cleaners, putting the dress in the shower, using 3 hair dryers on the dress, and about 40 minutes later the dress was still stained. There was nothing we could do. The girl that spilled the juice felt horrible. She was more upset then I was. I wasn’t mad at her in any way. I was just frustrated that so much was going wrong. It was time for us to get dress and I was the only one that couldn’t remember how to wrap my dress so I was having difficulties with it all day. We take a pictures inside then head outside to take some. It was close to 90 in Ohio on Saturday. At one point in time we were all sitting down on stairs that lead to a building where the bride and groom where taking photos. I told everyone to be careful of bird poop then one of the girls in the wedding party that I wasn’t a fan of, to say the least decided to make a comment. “Tiffany, with your dress does it really matter?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME! It upset me that she said that not because of my awful day but because of the girl that spilled the drink. She already felt horrible and had said she wished it was her dress. Why would you say something like that because it only makes her feel worse. By the end of the pictures my hair had no curl and my make up I paid for was gone. We finally get to the venue to relax before the ceremony. I drank about 3 bottles of water and a Sprite then ran to the bathroom to freshen up. I pulled my bangs back to see a massive heat rash all across my forehead and going down the side of my face. I was mortified. The girl that spilled the juice was in the bathroom with me and I just let it out. I ranted about how awful everything had going to me. I emphasized that I wasn’t mad at her at all, which I wasn’t. It was just one thing after another that was ruining m weekend. I said, ” Every wedding has a bridesmaid that everything goes wrong for…and it was me for this one.” After a little more venting we waited with the rest of the group for the ceremony to begin.

The wedding was beautiful. I wish that my wedding was as amazing as hers. The ceremony was not traditional and catered to this couple with a reading from a book and a knot ceremony because they are rock climbers. By far one of the most unique weddings I have ever been too. I LOVED IT! Even with broken shoes I made it through and was grateful for the reception to begin. The bride warned me that they were going to thank the moms and I thought I was prepared for that but I wasn’t. I cried. I just tried to not let the Bride see me and I don’t think she did. I think that I would have been ok if all of the previous things didn’t occur. After ALL of that I was just thinking, “Get this food to me so I can dance this all away.” We eat and I decide that I need to call Josh. He didn’t come with me because it would have been too expensive to board the dog and get their shots updated. Once I call him and talk to him for the first time the whole weekend, I broke down. I tried to hide it and I don’t think that he noticed. I didn’t want the first and probably only time we talked to be sad. It was amazing to hear his voice. It gave me that boost to go have fun. So, I did. I danced and danced and danced. After a few hours I realized I was itching my arm. I look down to find both my arms full of a heat rash. AGAIN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I was done at that point. I went outside for a bit but then left shortly after. I showered that night at my brother’s and left first thing in the morning without saying goodbye. I had no desire to talk to anyone.

I get home to my wonderful husband who got me three Pandora Charms for Mother’s Day. I get ready and we go out to eat then to random stores to simply spend time together. Everything was going great until I got sick. My stomach started to hurt and we went home. I am grateful that I didn’t start on Mother’s Day though. That would have killed me. I can’t begin to emphaize how grateful I was to be home and done with this weekend. Mother’s Day is over, the wedding is over, and now time to focus on work and my new Doctor Appointment on Monday. I just need to get through the next six days. Tonight ends on a good note CAVS WON!!!!! Six more days people. Six more days!

2

Updates and Public Posting

I have accomplished a lot over the last month. I got it together.

I contacted my Insurance that I have through my new job. To sum it up. I have a high deductible HSA Account which means that I have to pay out of pocket for everything or with my Health Saving Account until i hit my deductible. Infertility is not covered….except the usual diagnosis and treatment. As in, if I have Endo, the diagnosis of that and the treatment of the Endo is covered. BUT not anything that will help us get pregnant: meds, appointments, nothing. Great!

I started going to the gym again. It has been a slow process but I am back. I feel so good after I go which makes me excited to continue.

I also decided to get a second opinion and see a different doctor. I believe that there was a lot of miscommunication with my first RE. That made me uneasy to continue the process with her. I know a friend that is seeing her with no problems. I spoke with 2 separate friends about this. The first friend is seeing an RE at the same facility that I have been going to: it’s just a different RE. Lynn* is the other friends I have been speaking with who is seeing a RE at a completely different facility then what I was at now. Lynn’s* process with this doctor has been awesome which makes me very optimistic about her. I set up at Appointment with this doctor for May 18th.

I also started spotting today; VERY VERY Lightly. Barely anything. but it started. I am not supposed to start until Sunday…Mother’s Day. Yea, thats happening. I am spotting 5 days early. I am trying to tell myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is implantation. At the same time I am telling myself, “Don’t get your hopes up!” I also woke up extremely nauseous. All day, all I have been thinking about is this spotting. This is the worst part of the journey. The uncertainties. I haven’t started yet but there is a little brown. Which could be me starting OR it could be me getting pregnant. I am not taking a test until a week after I am supposed to start. So I will test on May 17tth or May 16th. The latest my period has been before is 3 days. I am hoping that IF I am not pregnant that it comes on Sunday or the day after. Obviously I don’t want to start on Mother’s Day but I just want consistency, which is not an option with TTC.

I also posted a lot on my Facebook and Instagram during National Infertility Week. I posted ecards, links about infertility, or quotes about what Infertility and how this effects us emotionally. With that I was essentially making it known that Josh and I were struggling with this disease. I posted everyday during that week, sometimes multiple posts. I also got an overwhelming amount of positive feedback from people. Every post got so many “Likes” as well as positive comments. I also received five different messages and two different text of people giving us well wishes, sending prayers, letting me know they are there for us, or asking me questions about what I have been going through. I was elated. I knew there was a reason that I decided to open up about infertility. I knew that when I started aggressively posting things that it was going to draw attention to me but I was prepared for that and for negativity. And it didn’t happen. Lynn* also publicly posted her blog on Facebook. I was so surprised. I thought she was so strong for being able to post something so personal. It made me want to post mine. I was intimidated to post something so personal, it made me very vulnerable, and couldn’t believe that she posted hers. To explain a little, her blog is mostly medical. It does have some emotional aspects to it but not as much venting as mine does. I took some time to myself to read over my blog again. I examined it, walked away for a bit, examined it again, and did some editing. I didn’t do a lot of editing but there were some things about others that I took out. It was not my place to put other people business out there. The people that I do talk about I asked them to read it to verify that it was ok I posted it. I decided to post it to Facebook. After reading this I think that it will be on there. I spoke with my husband about it and all he said was, “Does it have all our sex stuff on it?” which means that he is OK with it. I know that there will be people that feel negatively about this and will have their opinions. As all of us know, we deal with this all the time. I can handle that and accept that I am opening myself up to it even more by posting this. BUT I also know that by opening up about our struggles and showing the raw emotions I feel that it can potentially help others. Others that feel alone, experience the Taboo of Infertility, or don’t have anyone to talk to about this   disease. So, here it goes. Things are getting real; Get ready because I am in it to win it! Time to get this baby train going.

1

Struggle

Sometimes, I struggle understanding people.

When someone who has been through a similar situation to yours, mine, all of our situations and the second that they have a child, they forget. The memories of the pain, of the loss, of the grief, the struggle…it’s all gone. This person never went to a doctor, RE, specialist, or anyone to try to help the process to get pregnant. Eventually she got pregnant on her own. While talking with her about our struggles she would say the things we all hate to hear:  Continuing to talk about how difficult her child can be…”Are you sure you want to have a kid?” “OH, it’s that expensive! You really want to go through all that?” To give you a brief history of myself: I am a mostly Irish and German. I have been told, by numerous people, that I am a firecracker. I do a good job at keeping my temper under control but the majority of time I just blurt out what I am thinking. So, when people continue asking questions like that I just respond with “Yes” and change the subject or continue on talking. I try not to make it a big deal. With this particular person though, SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS! Longer then I have been through this. So, instead of the typical “Yes” i said, “Yes, don’t you remember what it was like? Don’t you remember how bad you wanted it?” And she responded with , “Yea, but I don’t know anymore…its so hard and my baby is such a pain sometimes” It’s like what I said, didn’t even register in her brian. Like, she completely forgot everything. How do you forget that pain? I know people talk about the pain of birth is a minor thought once you have the child, “it’s all worth it” They say. Well, shouldn’t it be that way with your infertility? Should you remember the pain but it all be worth it once you have that baby you have dreamed about for so long. I say this all now and I hope that I don’t become that once I get pregnant. Please put me in check if I ever say something that make me seem like I forgot.

After that fun conversation I wanted a good weekend. My husband and I went to the Auto Show with Em*, her husband, and their two kids. I never put pictures up of us so I decided to take on and put it on here for once. Yes, my husband has a ferocious beard. I am not a fan of the beard. I don’t mind it when it is trimmed but it’s not in this picture. Thing is getting out of control. We had a great time at the Auto Show and didn’t do much the rest of the weekend. Which is exactly what I needed.

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Monday I woke up with a sore throat and throughout work my ear started to bug me as well. By the time Josh got home from work my ear was really bothering me. My throat was like the Sahara desert. It did not matter how much water I drank, nothing was satisfying this dryness. It was about 7:30pm when everything was really bothering me. We were running around and got home at 8:15pm and I was in bed by 8:30pm. I woke up at 11:30pm feeling warm and in a lot of pain. I fell back asleep but woke up again at 12:30am with the same symptoms. I woke up once more at 1:30am and IT WAS AWFUL! I was sweating, freezing, clearly running a fever, and in tremendous pain. I took my temperature to verify the fever and it was confirmed, 100.29. Oh, joy! I have to leave for work at 6am, I don’t know how I am going to do this. I couldn’t fall back asleep. I drank a bottle of water and grabbed a cough drop. The last time I checked my phone it was 3:30am. I was shaking and bundled under my comforter. Josh was sleeping on the couch therefore I had the entire conformer to myself. I wrapped the whole thing all around me and was still shivering. I fell back asleep until 5:00am. I called off work then I stayed awake until 6:00am to wake up Josh for work then took some night-time medicine to try to get some sleep. I slept until 9:30am then went to the Walgreens Take Care Clinic (which I had to pay out-of-pocket because of high deductible/ HSA insurance). I found out I have Strep Throat, the Flu, and to top it off I started my period!!! All in the same day! The nurse practitioner told me to take yesterday and today off to make sure I wasn’t contagious anymore. It has been a struggle over the last 40 hours. I haven’t eaten a meal since Monday at 11am. I have had a half a package of crackers, two granola bars, and a poor attempt at soup this morning. Back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not.

New cycle! Once I get my insurance card I will set up the appointment with my doctor. Until then we will use OPK and PreSeed. It has officially been 2 years ad 6 months into this journey. My goal is to not make it to 3 years. Good Luck to the next month for myself and all of you! CD2 here we go!

4

Cramps, Bloating and Excuses

3 days late

Got to CD 30

Got to 14 DPO

Also got my period

Yup…that happened!

Saturday: I was supposed to start on Valentine’s Day. Nothing.

Sunday: I had very little spotting, very little(Brown). Mostly in the morning. I was hoping that was just implantation.

Monday: Spotting again. Mostly in the morning again. Very little again(Pink). Right side pelvic pain. I got a little nervous at that point but was still hopeful that it was just implantation.

Today(Tuesday):

Today I woke up to nothing. Then it all started. The cramps, lower back pain, bloating. Went to the bathroom later and well to quote Taylor Swift , “All I see is Red, Re-e-e-ed” So much for this month.

I did purchase a pregnancy test for this month because Josh really really wanted me too. I look at it as now we have one in the house for the future. I am not one of those that has a bulk amount in the house. I don’t like having them around because I don’t want the reminder of NO. I will take a PT when I am significantly late. I already get that NO every month I don’t need to pee on a stick and way 3-5 minutes to hear it too. I am fine with my OPK Negatives because I know now that I have a positive that will happen with those. Frankie* gave me some information on buying OPK on Amazon. I may purchase those to have for next month but I don’t think that I will get them for this month.

We finally heard something about VA money coming through. We will finally stop having delays in this TTC Quest. We will be getting a new roof, new carpet, and pay off some debt. We will decide on the insurance and then FINALLY be able to move forward with getting us pregnant. Finally no more delays and excuses but in the end its about one thing holding us back: Money. But now we will finally be in a place that I will feel comfortable bringing a baby into this house. No leaks into the living room or remnant carpet in the living room. It will be a home. Time to get this thing going.

2

2WW…Finally

When we finally started using the OPK I knew what I was looking for BUT was getting very annoyed because all I was seeing was this:

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With the conversations Josh and I were having about ,”What to do if you don’t ovulate” I was getting unbelievably nervous. What if I don’t ovulate? I mean, I know that it has been 2 years(and 5 months) and we have never checked that before. I know now that we should have just bit the bullet and bought the OPKs earlier but now that we were using them I was scared that I didn’t. I don’t know why I was worried because from the BPT I knew I ovulated late. It’s still trying on the soul when you keep seeing that BFN every day or twice a day!

One morning before work I forgot to test and knew that while I was at work I needed to not use the restroom at least an hour and a half before I left work. That way I gave myself the time to take the test right when I got home. I come home, chat with Josh for a moment, then go to the restroom. I set a timer because I will either A. sit there forever and wait for an answer or B. forget about the test and miss the result. When I hear the timer go off. i trot to the restroom with no particular thought in mind. I was just blank because every other time it was negative. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

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I Screamed!!!! Holy Sh#t! BOO, YES, IT SAYS YES, I OVULATE, IT SAYS YES, LETS DO THIS!!!! I was excited to put it lightly. CD17 this time. We both agreed that we are going to buy these for the next few months and still can’t figure out why we didn’t buy them sooner. With the Clomid we were always focused on doing it early. We even changed the time we took it to an earlier time to see if that would help. Obviously not. Josh thinks that because we were always focused on the early part of the cycle that maybe it truly was bad timing. To a point I agree but with how long it has been I don’t know if I fully agree with that. It can’t just be “bad timing”

With my new job and not knowing how the insurance works there we figured that for now OPK are our best shot until we figure out my insurance in March. I get all the insurance information on my first day(February 23rd) we will determine what to do from there. As I said before, my doctor wants to meet so that is the first step or get 2nd opinion then go from there.

I am supposed to start on Valentines Day…so romantic. Way to ruin everything Flo! In a week we will see what happens. Let’s get the BFP!!!

2

Why Did You Do That Dove?

If you are like everyone else is the world I am assuming most of you saw that Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl comes the commercials. There were a lot of serious commercials and some funny ones as well. I liked the BMW i3 commercial and the Fiat one with the Viagra pill. Both cute commercials to lighten the intense game. The Nationwide commercial was extreme for me but definitely memorable, probably what they were going for. Obviously we have Budweiser. That dog…gets me every time! Josh said last years commercial was better but I thought this year Budweiser did just as well. I teared up, that little guy could have been eaten if it wasn’t for those Clydesdales. For me the most memorable commercial was Doves. Now most people probably wouldn’t say that or even remember the commercial compared to the others. Watching the TV intently through the commercials and I see this adorable baby jumping into Daddy’s arms in a pool. Then they continue with another adorable baby calling to Daddy…and it goes on and on with that.

Once that ultrasound was up I started to tear up, then the girl hugs her dad crying and I was done. I tried to hide it but Josh was sitting in the chair next to me and knew. He got out of the chair and crawled over to me. He hugged me and just asked the obvious question, “What’s wrong babe?” I tried to pull myself together but the second he hugged me and I felt his embrace the tears were flowing. “I want to give you a baby that can call Daddy out to you.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said ,”You will”. At that point the game came back on and I was doing everything to get him to his chair so I could pick up the pieces this Dove commercial crumbled for me. I said, “The game is back on….you are going to miss it.”  He held me tight and said, “I don’t care.” It was so sweet for him to drop everything except me. I love him so much it is unbelievable. He may not be that emotional or say all the gushing things but when it comes down to it he really tries to be that sensitive guy with the shoulder I need. He has been wonderful through this and I really am grateful for him.

Since I have been taking the OPK I have had nothing but BFN and its become a little frustrating. With this stupid app that I have it showed today as my last ovulation day and nothing. Now, when I took my temperature it showed that I ovulate late. I am hoping that I ovulate closer to CD 17-19. Seeing as CD 12-16 don’t feel like working with me. Another Josh moment I adore. As we were talking about this yesterday he was asking if its possible for me to not ovulate. I respond with a Yes. He then asked what would happen if I didn’t. I explained that it depends on what corse we/the doctors want to take. I could be but on Meds or need shots or nothing. Josh responded with a simple, “OK, I have no problem giving you shots if that’s what you need.” Thanks for that because I don’t think I could do it myself.

Today it decided to down pour some snow on to us Ohioans so when Josh and I spoke this morning it was about our awful drives to work and just making sure we both made it ok. I then get a random text from Josh in the middle of the day that said, “A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. Mind Blown.” I call him, “…someone has been doing some reading.” We simply chuckle at each other. He said that he had been thinking about it and decided to do some reading. He found that I could be ovulating right before my period “so maybe it was bad timing.” I hate that phrase but for once he could be right. We would never mess around close to my period for the messy reasons that we don’t want to happen. Who knows(I will in a few days, hopefully) maybe I could ovulate later then the usual Joe! Lets all hope for some BFP in the future, this girl needs to ovulate!

6

Endometriosis Surgery Question

I called my Insurance back again to verify what was or was not covered. Taking multiple peoples’ advice I contact my Doctor’s Office first to get the more precise information to ask the Insurance company. I called and spoke with Lisa* who was specific to my doctor(a nurse, secretary, or something like that). When I spoke with Lisa* she told me the procedure code for the Diagnostic Laparoscopy. She then told me to not mention Infertility at all(which I knew after talking to you fine folks). I then contacted the Insurance company to ask the question yet again. I told the woman on the phone that I had a procedure code and wanted to verify if it was covered under my new insurance? I gave her the code and she said,” Yes, it is covered…depending on why it is being done.” I was baffled that she could even say that, “depending on why” What? Why does that matter? I asked the obvious question, “What do you mean by that?” She responds with, “Well, if you have predetermined symptom that suggest Endometriosis that it could be covered but if it is being done for Infertility purposes then it could be denied” WHAT? I didn’t even say Infertility, do you have a note on my file? Do you know me? I was blown away. At that point I was just confused as to what I was supposed to do but held it together and pushed the confusion aside to finish this conversation. After we hung up I was so pissed. There is no way to candy coat this. I was confused as to why a procedure could be approved for patient A because they have signs of Endo but Patient B wants to have a child and needs to this test but it is not approved. Why is an Insurance Company allowed to do this? UNBELIEVABLE!

Today I decided to contact my Doctor again to find out the soonest I could have the surgery and get a quick overview of the surgery because I knew nothing about what was going to be done to me. All I knew is that I was going to get 2 small cuts and a camera was going into me to check for Endo. I called the Doctor and it was Lisa* again. I told her what my insurance said and she was very kind. She looked over what I had done last year to see what was and wasn’t covered. Everything was covered but that wasn’t any help to me see as I have a whole new Insurance Company now. But it was nice she went out of her way to look into that. She then said that we should hopefully be able to cover it so that it is mostly covered by the insurance. Once I heard that I felt a little relief. Now time for procedure questions: I asked when was the soonest I could have the procedure done? She said that it depended on my cycle and asked when my period started. Well, it started Sunday Night. Lisa responded with, “Next week then….so….Monday Tuesday or Wednesday….Tuesday the 27th would be when it is available.” WHOA that is quick. Well, my job is extremely short staffed so I know that is not possible. “When would be the next time?” “Well, again, that depends on your cycle. You would call us when you start and we could schedule from there.” Thats fine. Thats how most things work when you are getting testing to have a baby. Lisa continued, “The procedure takes about and hour and a half depending on what she finds” What do you mean by that? I thought she was just looking around. “If the Doctor find signs of Endometriosis then she will remove what she can which could potentially make the surgery last longer and the recovery last longer as well.” Ok, that makes more sense now but it also makes me a little more nervous. I have never been put under…EVER! So, the idea of almost an unknown time of how long I will be under is a little unnerving. I told Lisa* that “I was under the impression that I would be able to get the surgery Friday and come back to work on Monday.” Her exact response, “Oh, you are a strong woman! We suggest taking a week off(thats the max.) and you are limited to what you can do.” How in the world am I going to be able to take a week off work when we are short staffed? I don’t want to use vacation time for this. What if I don’t even have Endo and I have to take all this time off? OH GOODNESS! Lisa* then asked me what I do and I told her(I work at a bank). She said, “You are limited to lifting 10 lbs. which means no lifting Coin or heavy bags of money, are you in charge of the Vault(yes)? Then you will definitely need help with the money once you go back. You need to be very careful you don’t tear or rip anything the Doctor did.” Rip or tear….that sounds great. That was all I needed and was exhausted from the information I received. I told her that I would contact her once  verify when I can have the surgery and it would most likely be next month after my period.

I contacted HR through my work just to verify what I am supposed to do when I have the surgery and I will use sick time to cover my time off. I was just comforted that I didn’t have to use any vacation time(if I use more then a week I will but I don’t plan on that). After doing some basic math I believe that it was between CD 9-11 I am supposed to get the surgery done. Well, instead of guessing I figured I would just call the Doctor’s Office back to ask. When I called the new lady I spoke with said that it didn’t matter when I had the surgery, I just couldn’t do it when I was on my period. Now I am even more confused. I want to do this sooner rather then later but I don’t want to overwhelm myself. The 26th of February I am having a wisdom tooth pulled and having a crown put in. An hour and a half appointment that I will need some recovery from for sure.  I was hoping that if there isn’t a time frame that I can get it done on February 20th. Six days of recovery should be enough right? Maybe? So here are my questions for you ladies:

Is there a certain time I need to get this surgery done?

How long should I give myself for recovery?

Is it a bad idea to do the surgery so close to my dentist appointment?

What was the surgery like for any of you that had it done? and the recovery?

How long was the surgery?

Whats the next step if it is Endo?

What’s the next step if it isn’t Endo?

Any help would be greatly appreciated! =]

5

Holidaze

Lets get this out of the way: I had my period the beginning of December. Now that THAT is out of the way; November and December haven’t been to bad. They have had their downs FOR SURE but nothing crazy! November was exhausting from my promotion at work. There is never enough time in the day to do anything. I struggle each day to accomplish everything that needs to be done. In November I was working at 2 different locations for most of the month so that made things even more difficult. My Husband bought me flowers, which he rarely ever does, AND he had them delivered to my work(Bonus Point). Josh has never done that for me before so it was truly amazing. During that time my good friend Lynn*, had a polyps removed from her uterus so hopefully she can get back to the TTC game. In, November we spent a lot of time with Em* and her 2 amazing kids; almost every weekend. It was great I adore that family. November is mostly a blur. But then December…Winter is Coming….(Sorry I’m not sorry for saying that)

December was positive until the end. December flew by and as everyone said, “with Thanksgiving being late it made December and Christmas seem earlier then expected.” So True! We struggled to get all the presents bought this year for everyone. I also took a trip to Columbus to watch my brother get sworn in to be a Police Officer which was a great way to start off my December. For whatever reason, I was feeling extremely optimistic about ovulation and this cycle. I have no medical reason to feel that way but I did. Maybe it was the Christmas spirit(I love Christmas time.) I don’t know but in my mind it was going to be good. “It’s the end of the year and now is the time. This is going to happen!” That was what I was saying to myself all the time. All was well, feeling positive, Christmas shopping and Christmas was in full swing. I came home one day after work and came on here to read up on all the blogs. My phone had died at work, was on silent, and I forgot to plug it in when I got home. I was watching my Criminal Minds on Netflix and reading blogs. I was starting to get a mild headache(I was REALLY behind on the blogs,  I am a slow reader, so I had been on here for about two hours) I decided to jump over to off the blogs and look at Facebook for a minute before bed at around 1030PM. I was glancing through when I saw a post from my cousin. I skimmed over the post and was reading about sorrow, how strong my grandma was, the multiple medical problems and surgeries, and how my grandma and his mom(who passed away 3 years ago) dancing together now….WHAT? WAIT…WHAT HAPPEN? My grandma has been in a nursing home for a while with medical problems so its not like this was out of nowhere but we where hoping for her to make it through the holidays. I run to my phone with adrenaline racing through my body. I grab my phone and have 4 missed calls from my dad, 1 from my cousin, 1 from my cousins wife, and 1 from my mom. I go to listen to my dads voicemail and my phone dies. I am then racing around the house frantically searching for my phone charger. I finally find it and call my dad back. I simply begin the conversation with, “I think I know what happened.” His voice was full of pain. He explained his side of the story. The grandma was feeling great so they did some legal stuff, sent out her Christmas cards, and she was getting ready for the Christmas party the nursing home she was in was throwing that night. My dad had some running around to do so he said he would come back to take her later. He then got the call and her heart had stopped. It was running at 40% for a while so once it stopped there was no starting it back up. I just wanted to get off the phone. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or function or think or breath. I just wanted to cry. So, we hung up and thats what I did. My husband was asleep and is a heavy sleeper so he had no clue what was going on. I then decide to call my Cousin’s Wife to talk. She is an amazing person and adore her. We connect on a different level because she also had TTC difficulties but after a year and a half she has a beautiful baby boy. Once she answered the phone and asked how I was doing I lost it. We were discussing details and trying to figure things out. After that day everything went down hill from there.

My grandma passed away on Wednesday December 17, 2014. Thursday I drove down to Akron to help my dad figure out when the Funeral and Wake would be, get her an outfit, write the obituary, and whatever else needed to be done. It was a very rough day trying to get my dad to make any decisions. I can empathize that this was my dad’s last living immediate relative besides myself that has passed: His father, Sister, and Mother have all died. This has to be extremely difficult. But he also made things extremely difficult for everyone else. He would not decide on when to have the funeral and wake. During that time because my other cousin wasn’t responding to my dad so he said he wouldn’t decide on a day until he heard from that other cousin. My cousins live in Florida so my father was trying to accommodate them. I told my dad that since he hasn’t got back to any of us just pick a day and he can figure it out. Its now “Friday night, lets get this going, he’s just dodging you” My dad then said, “What, like you where dodging me the night she died?” I LOST MY S#%T!!!!!!!! I started screaming at my dad. Are you kidding me? Thats what you think I was doing? I understand we don’t have a great relationship but you think I was avoiding the four phone calls and voicemails? You think I was “dodging” you  when I helped pick out her outfit, write the obituary, and give you days to do this…thats me avoiding you? I cursed and yelled and I know that I probably shouldn’t have with the mental state I could imagine that he was in. He was trying to laugh it off like it was a joke. I told him, “Don’t laugh its not funny, don’t ever compare me like that. You have no right! I did nothing wrong because my phone was dead, it was not a malicious thing I was doing on purpose because I knew what was going on. Don’t you ever talk to me like that again!” And insert cursing wherever it fits…or doesn’t!

Luckily my step daughters band concert was in the middle of all that so I got a small release. A small escape from the negative world I was surrounded by. Needless to say I messed around with my husband Saturday night and Sunday morning(the day of the wake) to blood…on CD15…11(ish) days early. WHAT? I was freaking out so I instantly started texting nurse friends and other friends to find out what they think. Most thought it was that I was pregnant. I was trying to stay realistic about it but I found myself getting excited…in-between the awful cramps I was experiencing. After talking with other people they said stress which I had plenty of. I got it together and went to the wake. I called my doctor the next day and they confirmed. STRESS. “If it stays longer, more painful, more blood, etc. go to the doctor.” I got my “random period” as the doctor called it. So, much for my positive attitude, its going to happen, “we got this” kind of attitude. After having my grandma’s funeral on my 27th birthday and my random period I have decided 2014 Sucked!!!! I had a wonderful Christmas but besides that I AM OVER IT! To new beginnings and a wonderful 2015. May the TTC train end this year for all of us and we get to the Baby Station in 2015. I am going to blog more often. Today was a more personal update but I will get back to the TTC Blog! Glad to see that most of you are doing well!