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My First Pregnancy

On November 5, 2016 I saw my first positive pregnancy test. I was so nervous that we told very little people. Due to this being so unexplained I was very petrified it would end as quickly as it began. My MIL and Mother knew because of the calls made that day. The next day was my best friend’s son’s birthday party so I had to tell her. She cried and was so excited for us. Besides that I wasn’t telling anyone until after the first trimester. I was sick ALL THE TIME my first trimester. Not morning sickness, I had the flu, my entire first trimester. It was awful. Unable to take any medicine made for a very miserable 3 months. Thanksgiving I was very sick. No voice, sore throat, congestion, headaches, the works. I had that for around 2 weeks. I was OK for a little bit then got sick again shortly after Christmas and the worst of it hit New years night/day. I had the same symptoms as before but worse. My throat was so sore I only ate very cold/warm foods. I loved the sorbet Popsicle at Giant Eagle. They were so soothing. We announced on Christmas day, a little before the end of the first trimester. We thought it would be a great surprise to share it then. We told my stepdaughter first by giving her a shirt. We used that picture and a ultrasound to announce on Social media. The response was overwhelming. We received so many messages, comments, and text sending well wishes our way.

The first image is how I told my fathers side of the family at our family Christmas Eve party. The second image is the one that was posted on Social Media. Sorry, I’m not good at editing. I took video as much as I could during the pregnancy so I have video of when I told my step daughter and my Dad’s family. It was amazing. Overall, the first trimester wasn’t that bad. I was so unbelievably nervous and petrified. At the same time I tried to enjoy the fact that this was happening and that I was pregnant. Besides the flu, my morning sickness was just nausea…often without actually getting sick. I can’t complain too much about that.

My second trimester was a breeze. I wasn’t sick anymore. My friend let me use her at home Doppler and the beginning of the 2nd trimester was the first time I found her heart beat. That was such a wonderful reassurance to have. Knowing my babe was there. It was the best feeling ever. I started to show around 18 weeks. As they say, my belly just “popped out”. Around that same time is when I felt her kick for the first time. It was amazing. I think that she did kick sooner but I didn’t know what it was. It was such a faint flutter I know now but at the time I just thought it was gas or something in my gut. Silly, I was nervous for the scan at 20 weeks but all was well. I was very excited after our scan to find out all of her measurements were good. I did have to redo some of the measurements as well as redo my glucose test. I passed the 2nd time but it was not fun re-doing that test. I did have a few symptoms that made the 2nd trimester less fun. I developed insomnia. It was the worst. I was getting about 2 hours of sleep each night. There was also about a week where I developed sciatic pain. I remember one time specifically trying tie my shoes and I almost collapsed from the pain. I am so grateful that only lasted a week. The end of the 2nd trimester is when I finally bought maternity pants. I was buying shirts often but never pants for some reason. I just used a maternity band. Which was awful. It was fine at first but then my pants where just always falling down. The maternity pants didn’t fully fit my belly and they always fell down as well. I was happy for my third trimester to know my babe was almost here….and my pants would finally fit.

The third trimester. At first it was fine. It was just the 2nd trimester continued. Feeling good. My blood pressure and numbers were always good. My weight gain was fine and I was always measuring on time. The further I got into the trimester the harder it got. As I expected. I was told I was due July 17th. I always knew she was going to be early though. My back pain became very very difficult to bear. I would try to walk often and drank a lof of  water. Nothing really helped though. I just tried to rest and stretch as much as I could after I got home from work. Starting the beginning of June my feet and legs started to swell towards during work as well. Each week it got worse. I called my doctors’ office to verify what was happening was normal. They said it was but I went there to show them because I had the worst cankles I have ever had. When I got there they just told me it was normal and I need to elevate them, ice them, and drink water. I felt like “this can’t be normal”. It was. But I was in pain everyday and it became very overwhelming. It was and it was a pain I had never felt. My co-worker actually advocated for me to be able to work from home more often but it wasn’t allowed. I was very grateful someone spoke out for me. I felt that made it look less like me complaining and more like someone else noticing my struggle and trying to help. That happen the 3rd week of June. I told my co worker that in July I would pull my boss aside to ask to work from home more. I work an hour from home and my hospital I would be delivering at. For that reason I wanted to be home more often just in case I went into labor.

The closer we got towards the end the more my doctor said that she thinks that my babe “won’t be tiny”. She was saying that she will most likely be a 9-10 lbs baby. This just reassured me that I would go early. I was a 7lb baby and Josh was 9lbs. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility to have that big of a baby. I just knew our Sadie wasn’t going to be that big because she would be early. June 26th I had a doctor appointment and the doctor said that she was very convinced the baby would be big if I went full term. I was slowly dilating but I went from .05 cm to 1 cm in 2 weeks. With those to things she said that we should schedule a induction date a week earlier just in case. The doctor said that with it being my first there was no way to know if I would go early or not but we would schedule this just in case. The doctor also said that every time she scheduled an induction the mom went early. I was nervous about being induced because I heard a lot of rough stories about Pitocin and induction labors. The 27th I was at work and called to schedule my induction date. We schedules it for July 13th. I was very excited. VERY EXCITED!! I told my boss my new “Last day of work” that obviously it could be sooner but that was my induction date. When I came home that night it was just a normal night. I ate and then my husband and I hung out. We were laying in bed just listening to music. Putting music on my belly, which is something we had not done before. We started with calm, classical music. Then we had some fun and played DMX and Pink Floyd. I eventually went to sleep and never knew that everything was going change that night.

I was going to do this and the birth in one but it would be way too long. One last blog about the birth.

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Babies Babies Babies

Last weekend was exhausting and full of babies and kids! I was never so grateful for this weekend to be over. Don’t get me wrong; I love my friends and their kids. But when its your dream and you have to be surrounded by it for a weekend, it can be a little much.

Saturday was Mine and Josh’s day. We went to a Flea Market in the morning, a local one I had never been to before, which was a good time. We didn’t find much but it was a fun and rather interesting experience. After that Josh’s back was hurting so I dropped him off at home then went to Sprint(cancelled my Verizon) to get a new phone, S5 which I love so far.  After 2 hours there I had to rush home because we said we where going to be at our friends house at 4PM, it was 345PM when I got home, and there house is 20 minutes away. The reason we were going to visit that friend because she had her second child(a baby girl) in July and we hadn’t seen her yet. Every Infertile knows that babies are the roughest to see. Toddlers can be rough too but newborns and babies are the hardest to be around. Now, this little girl is adorable and a spitting image of her Daddy. And her smile…melts the heart! The visit wasn’t going that bad. The friend that had the baby is a nurse so I was chatting with her about everything that has been going on with me. Even she was curious as to why more hasn’t been done and that I have only received Clomid. But with the break coming we are holding off on what is to come. We chatted for a bit and she then informed me that Em* was coming over. With her 34 week pregnant self and their one year old. Em* is my best friend but I knew the second them two got together it was going to be all about pregnancy stuff. Which it was for a while. It wasn’t that bad but it was kind of difficult hearing it all over again when I want it so bad. At one point while we were there Josh was outside with my friends older son(3years old) and Em’s* daughter. My friend was talking about how great Josh is with kids and how he should open a Daddy Daycare because that and how much kids love him. It was a spear to the heart. I know that he is amazing with kids. The second kids are around they gravitate to him and I can’t give him that. Its the most devastating thing to have to deal with on a daily basis. I just shrugged it off and said, “Yea, he is great with them.” Then changed the subject. As we where getting ready to leave her son said, “Josh can you stay? You can sleep on the couch? Ill ask my mom!!!” It was adorable, then he held the baby. It was a lot to take in, in such a short period of time.

Once we were leaving I was so relieved to be away from all the kids and babies and bellies. But when we were leaving Em’s* car stopped at the top of the street. We pulled up next to them and they asked if we wanted to go get food. Obviously, I DID, I didn’t eat all day but I just wanted to go home and self loath for a little bit. We ended up going out to eat with them and it was so worth it. Being around their daughter is rough knowing that we started trying the same time so, technically, we could be getting ready to have our second kid right now like they are…but we aren’t. But at dinner their daughter was my little buddy. She kept playing with me and smiling at me ALL through dinner. I was loving all the baby attention I was getting. It made the whole day worth it!

The next day I had a baby shower to go to. It was (we will call her)Amber’s* baby shower(twin babies 1 round of Clomid lady). Through the corse of Mine and Lynn’s* friendship I have become friends with one of her friends who was also there. This woman also knows the struggles of the baby shower and so it was nice knowing I wasn’t alone in this day. We had out side conversations and made it through. Even with Amber* looking so beautifuly pregnant and all of us being extremely jealous of her happiness. We all had to leave early(most of my table had a benefit to go to and i had to drive an hour away to my grandmas birthday party) and there was about 60+ people so this girl had A LOT of gifts to open. Leaving early was us leaving after food and and hour and a half of presents being opened…and she was still in the process when we left.

I was thrilled for my weekend to be over. Newborns, toddlers, and baby bellies all weekend! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was expecting to be depressed the whole weekend after each event but I wasn’t. I was emotionally drained from it but not as sad as I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I was sad but there where no tears shed for this girl. Im ready for our 2ww to begin….and then end. So, we can get this journey going.

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Are we Still on the Same Page?

I’ve been playing the fun game we all know and hate which is the 2WW. I am pretty sure I started spotting today so looks like the 2WW ended a little early for me. I was very hopeful because I haven’t been feeling that great lately: bloating(all the time), headaches(which I never get), nauseous, and tired. Now, I know that this spotting could be nothing and I could still be pregnant but I have a feeling it is just my Broken Time(as my husband calls it) creeping up to come visit. Another month down, another to go.

The other day after the Clomid Cycle my husband was talking to me about his insurance at his work. He had just reached the time frame required to be able to sign up for their benefits and was telling me about his conversation with a friend of his at work. Josh had told his friend about our situation and was asking what the company’s coverage was like for fertility or the pregnancy process. The friend said that its not that great and that it really just covers the basic stuff for pregnancy and child birth. The guy then asked Josh what his game plan was with us. Josh then told the guy, “If we aren’t pregnant by the end of the winter(which for our area is about March) then I think we should hold off for a bit. Heres the thing, my dogs are my kids so we can focus on the house for a bit first.” I was in a daze after hearing that. He doesn’t want to try any more. This is too much for him and he is checked out. I didn’t say a word the whole time he talked. i just sat there and processed every word that fell out of his mouth. Hanging on every syllable and praying that he comes back to the place where we were when he wanted this just as bad as me. So, the conversation just ended and I knew I wanted to talk to him about it but I wanted to find the words and not become a blithering idiot in the process.

We took some time off together because our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. With that being said I knew that we needed to schedule Josh’s Semen Analysis because they only do the testing from 7-2 and Josh works from 8-5 every day. Having a limited time frame I wanted us to do it on a day off so we weren’t “rushed”. I start to call to get everything scheduled and they need his insurance card and information. Well, his insurance is through the VA and when I tell the woman that on the phone she lists some carriers that Josh used to have but doesn’t anymore. She said that we now have to be contacted to verify if it will be covered or not. I then try to cheat the system and contact the local facility to schedule the appointment and ,sure enough, they send me back to the previous scheduler. I tell Josh to contact he VA to see if they can do it there and it be covered. He said his phone was dead and he will charge it, mow the lawn, and when he’s done he will call. He said that I can do my testing but maybe we should hold off on his until we know more. Also that I should contact my insurance today to see what all is covered since we haven’t done that yet either and we are already getting things tested. Now is the time to chat. Keep it together Tiffany(that’s Me), just find out where he stands.

I open my mouth, not even thinking and the word start falling out. “Babe, I wanna chat real quick before you go outside…So, what are you thinking will happen if the Clomid doesn’t work?” He then starts to talk about how we already talked about this the other day. That if the Clomid doesn’t work that we will take a break and get the house fixed up(need a new roof because its leaking, new furniture, carpet, bed. We also need to patch some holes still, paint, and a few other things). He said that he doesn’t want to get into the expensive IBF(Such a dork and corrected that) when we have work to be done around here. I then asked the question I was dreading, “So, after that does that mean you don’t want to try anymore, ever?” “No! not at all!” A HUGE sigh of relief falls over me. I couldn’t have been happier at that moment. He even said he’s not even considering us talking about adoption yet or anything like that and the he definitely still wants to continue trying. “We will do the every other day thing when we think you are ovulating and all of that stuff. But if we had a baby now I would be happy but worried too because we need so much done to the house.” Which I do agree with him on. It would be hard to try to care for a new baby financially when we need to spend close to 10k on a new roof. I told him that I was just worried because the other day he talked about our dogs being our kids and I thought he just didn’t want to try anymore. He corrected that and said that he wants kids with me,”You see how I get around kids of corse I want one.” So, we agreed that after these rounds of Clomid(I have 2 more) that we will hold off on the insemination process(which ever we may need) until we at least get a new roof. We will still do my testing on the 25th and if I need “cleaned out” we will do that as well. But, depending on what my insurance says will determine if we continue my testing or if we wait on that as well.

Its hard to hear that we are waiting again but we are on the same page. We are not waiting forever, we are still going to try. This isn’t an end, this isn’t a bump in the road, or an delay. This is just a different route to the same goal. I couldn’t be more overjoyed that we are still in this for the long haul. He is just being my realistic reminder while I sit in my baby bubble. So, Monday is the day. I find out if my Tubes and Uterus are doing their job for the most part. Then we go from there. hoping for the best, Preparing for the worst. I’ll be back with an update then! After our emotional conversation(only emotional for me, stupid period) feeling very clear. Lets do this!

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Medical History

On top of been in a slump this week I found out some interesting information from my mother.

My mom called me the yesterday to chat and I decided to ask her more information about her medical history. I had an idea about the majority of what was going on with her: High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Diverticulitis, Colon Surgery(pre-cancerous), Hyperthyroid(three Parathyroids removed), and the fact that she had over 59 polyps removed from her stomach and esophagus. These things I knew. But then she went into the things I DIDNT know. She has Acid Reflects(which makes sense with the polyps that were removed), a tipped bladder and uterus(thats interesting fact, don’t know if its hereditary), and that she has Endometriosis. That was a surprise! I knew that at one point she got her tubes flushed out after a surgery but i didn’t know that surgery was for Endometriosis.

For those of you that don’t know what that is Here is some information but the definition that site(the mayo clinic) gives is: “Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.” Hearing that was very scary and intense. My stomach instantly dropped and I was then petrified for my future. My mom had 2 children before that surgery but she also had a miscarriage before that surgery. After the surgery she had 2 more kids. I know its possible but Im feeling very uneasy about whats going to happen. Obviously, once I got off the phone I started my research and I found THIS on Pinterest and I have most of the symptoms. That made me even more nervous and at that point I decided that I need to have my testing done sooner rather then later. So, I scheduled the appointment. It is set for August 25. So, if I am not pregnant then I will get the testing done where they check my tubes and uterus for any abnormalities. I’m preparing for the worst and hoping for the best! Wish me Luck!!

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Clomid Chronicles Chapter Two

Well, time for Round two. Since I had already been through the process I wasn’t nervous this time at all. Just mentally prepared for another rough Day 3. So here we go…

Day 1- Day 5

Take Pill

Yup, thats it…nothing happen. I was also having a pretty rough week at work as well. Someone was on vacation so we were understaffed and I was under A LOT of pressure but I never went crazy. No emotional breakdowns! I don’t know how to feel about that. I am relieved that I didn’t have a crying fit or any awful headaches. But at the same time I am a little nervous that nothing happen. I don’t know why I feel like its not going to work this time and then we will have to go see the RE. I don’t mind if it ends up that way I just really want it to work. I am on Day 13 right now. Time to do the deed for the next few days then 2WW. Lets hope for 2 pinks lines in my near future.

I had a very long conversation with my friend, Frankie* and it was very refreshing. I am gradually telling my immediate friends and family about my blog. I should say family and friends that are positive, open-minded, and very close to me. So, I let her read it and it was very nice to be able to talk to someone, have then ask questions, and just have someone to be supportive. Her words(paraphrased), ” Its hard to empathize because I can’t really relate to your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here.” And that is why I am sharing this with people now. I know it sounds kind of selfish but one reason I want to start sharing this is to have that support of being able to not just talk to people who know or can relate to what I am going through but my friends as well. I was holding in all this information and all these feelings because I didn’t think that they would understand, they would be judgmental, or they would think I am overreacting. But Frankie’s* reaction, and knowing she is very open-minded, just proved that sharing this with people validate everything I was thinking. My friends are my friends for a reason. They aren’t going to run away at the first sign of crazy. I mean Em* didn’t even want to tell me about her pregnancy because she was afraid of how I would feel. That is wonderful of her but it just shows what kind of friend I was being for letting her think thats what she had to do. So, share time for me. My blog isn’t going to change and I am still going to share all the same things Now, more people will be reading it…EEKKK!

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Shopping turned Counseling

I went to Victoria Secret today(semi-annual sale YAY!) and while I was in the back corner of the  fitting room  trying on bras when I heard the associate and a customer talking with each other. I don’t remember how it got brought up but the customer was asking the associate how difficult it is to raise a baby without the dad because she just found out she was pregnant. The customer said that she text the father to tell him that today was the first ultrasound and he responded with “I am busy and that’s not my concern. I don’t want to go.” and other statements to make this girl feel helpless. The associate told her how she could do it and how she personally did it and is raising her son with no father. The customer just expresses her concern for the baby and how she is going to raise it without the dad. She was talking about how she is just a part time cashier that live with her mom and has no idea how this is going to work. She the says, “the thought of abortion breaks my heart” and at that point I felt inclined to chime in.

I open my door and begin my speech. I tell the girl, ” I am sorry to ease drop but I got to tell you something. I am not an extremely religious person so just know this is not where this is coming from but if abortion is an option please do reconsider. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now and I would kill to experience one day of morning sickness. You don’t know what you have until you can’t have it. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you being pregnant and having the dad not care but he may come around. I have heard by multiple men that they don’t REALLY get that they are going to be a dad until the baby is actually here, present, so they can hold it. THAT makes it real! Or he may not come around and if thats the case then you have multiple options: 1. you can keep the baby and he may be around to help, 2. you can keep the baby and make sure you have a support system that can help you and keep you sane and strong, 3. if you decide not keep the baby you can have and abortion, or last 4. you can have the baby adopted. That may be the hardest thing you would ever do, maybe even harder then being a single mom. You would carry for 9 months, go through labor, and have 72 hours to decide if you want to keep the baby or stick with the adoption. You would literally make someone’s life complete and they would never be able to repay you but it would mean the world to those people that could never make a baby but always wanted one. Whatever you decide to do, do it for you. I know we are giving you advice but whatever you decide you need to make sure it is what is best for you. We can tell you every story in the book but every situation is different so, just remember its all about you and what you want. Not what everyone else thinks you want or need. Good luck with whatever you decide!”

I don’t know if I should have said anything. I don’t know if I helped her, if she really listened, to if she even cared but I had to let her hear some options. I am also very happy that I stayed strong, I didn’t cry, and I am still positive about my own situation. I called my husband to tell him my intruding story and he made fun of me for being my mothers daughter. “Your mom would have done the exact same thing.” Besides that he just listened to me and was an amazing supportive husband as usual. If I would have been in that dressing room 3 months ago I would have been crying and wouldn’t have said a word to that lost girl. I am so proud of myself for finally being able to talk about everything that is going on. I used to be so negative and the second anyone brought up pregnancy or babies I became unbearable to be around. Im so happy to be in a good place. I can only hope that in 30 days I get a positive where it counts so I can stay positive.

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The Clomid Chronicles

My Clomid experience was not as exciting as most that I have read about. I still kept a journal of the events even though there aren’t many. So, as I last stated I was extremely excited to start Clomid. THE ANSWER(hopefully) IS HERE! When day one finally came I was ecstatic to start this diary of my feelings, emotions, and everything in between.

Day 1

8am- Take Pill

Day 2

8:35- Take Pill

Sorry, nothing too exciting those first 2 days. I was prepared for the things that I had read: headaches, migraines, nausea, mood swings, ho flashes…etc. but I had nothing…Until day 3

Day 3

8am- Take Pill

3:30pm- Pressure Headache

515pm- Headache

720pm- Crying/Laughing fit

Headache the rest of the night

So, lets explain what happen. There is a radio station that I love in my area that hold a concert/festival and I was unbelievably excited to go but we had to go to a ticket stop to get the tickets because I knew that they would see out online immediately after they became available. My husband got out of work before me so he went to the ticket stop and had me go home to take care of the dogs. I go home, feed the dogs, let them out, and touch up a little. Before I leave I talk to Josh to verify that I will make it there in time to meet the Radio Personalities. He got there at 5:30(ish)pm and tells me that we are number 580 something and they are only on number 200 something so I have plenty of time to get there. The place is only about 20 minutes away so I leave at about 6:50pm. I get a call from Josh at 7:10pm and he says he ran into some of our friends and they are going to give him one of their number tickets(everyone got a number when they walked in and with that number you could get up to 8 tickets so they could give up a number.) They gave him number 400 something and when he called me he said they were on a high number 300 something. So, I get to the place at 7:20pm and while walking up to the place I see Josh* and our two friends standing at the front door with the tickets. I was furious! I was done at that point and just wanted to leave so we walk to the car and once we get to the car I start sobbing. I said to Josh, “Why do you get to meet all the famous people, I never get to meet famous people? I am such a better fan then you are too. I listen to them everyday and you got to meet them…thats not fair!” Then I start laughing while crying because I realize how ridiculous I sound. Josh looks at me and says, “Oh, I wasn’t prepared to handle this right now? You are crying and laughing like a serial killer…oh man!” That definitely made me laugh more! After about a half hour of my unpredictable emotions I calm down and we got home.

Day 4

8am- Take Pill

12:45pm- Headache

Day 5

8am- Take Pill

I realized that the only reason I had the crazy Day 3 that I did was because something happened. Every other day was just a normal day and nothing really happen to get a reaction out of me. BUT Day 3 with everything that happen I normally would have just been bummed out that I didn’t get to meet them then be done with it but because of the Clomid it amplified that emotion by a billion and made me a crazy person. Its funny now looking back at it all but I am grateful that the Clomid didn’t effect me that bad. Now to the fun part as they all say(until “they” try to have a baby and it doesn’t happen). So, time to get it on and see what happens!

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Good news…I think?

I went and got my blood work done last week. Which, the gentleman that took the samples was AMAZING! It didn’t hurt at all! I am a major baby when it comes to needles so I was relieved that it went as well as it did. I got the blood work done on Thursday and with Memorial Day weekend I wasn’t expecting to hear anything until late into the following week. They called me Tuesday with the results. I got the voicemail while I was at work and immediately called them back…..why is it that when you really need information from a doctors office and you call back they never answer and you have to wait for yet another phone call????? So, I finally win at phone tag and the results are in! Everything came back normal. The nurse said that they do 12 test with my blood and everything was normal. The nurse said sometimes your body just needs a reminder of what it is supposed to do. So, I guess its good news that everything is normal. It just frustrates me a little; not that I wanted something to be wrong but it would be an answer to why we haven’t had a baby yet. To stay positive, I WAS happy that there wasn’t anything wrong. Then the nurse then asked about my husband and how his sample was going? Well, his sample hasn’t been going at all becuase he needs to contact the VA about if they will allow him to do it there or if he is supposed to do it through the same facility that I am using. I told him that he has to call tomorrow…or else!

I also picked up my Clomid prescription today. I am so excited! I have been looking up a lot on Clomid as well. Good and bad idea. I saw one woman who did a little Clomid Journal of what happen while she was on it and I am going to try to do that as well. Hopefully I remember to write down everything…I’m forgetful! But I see a lot of headaches, migraines, hot flashes, mood swings, etc. so we will see what happens to me! I should be starting the Clomid in a little over a week so we will see what happens. I am hoping to post day by day journal of Clomid! We will see what happens!

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First Doctor Appointment

My first Doctors appointment was last week on Wednesday(05/14/14). I was extremely nervous all day even though I had a feeling I knew exactly how the appointment would go. One of my friends had already gone to an appointment with this doctor. She had been trying for 9 months and said the appointment was a breeze. She walked in, was told to do basic blood work, and was put on Clomid. Knowing this information, I was hoping that this is how my appointment would go.

Fast Forward to the appointment. I go into the exam room with the Nurse and she asks me,” So, Why are you here today?” I explain to her that I needed a PAP…Also, that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and a half and it hasn’t happen. The nurse tells me the Doctor does one or the other, she can’t do both appointments. I told the nurse that I can always reschedule the PAP, my husband came to this appointment so we could discuss a baby, so, let’s make this a fertility appointment. With that decided the nurse said she needed to ask me some questions and that they were a little weird. She begins to ask me, “Do you have trouble walking? Do you have trouble with everyday tasks like shopping? Do you have problems eating? Do you fall a lot? Do you have an bruises?” I responded with, “I don’t have have any bruises…you can check if you want just don’t judge my white legs!” I am the kind of person that tries to make jokes and make people laugh when I am nervous. She said that the doctor would be in shortly and that she would go get my husband. The nurse also told me the undress from the waist down because she may do a pelvic exam. Well, my husband had already said he DID NOT want to be in the room when the doctor did the exam. He said, “I can handle seeing you naked but I don’t want to see someone examine you” LOL.

My husband comes in the room and says, “I have never been so upset to see you with your pants off.” Josh is a jokester like myself. So, the Doctor finally comes into the room and we begin talking. Just asking us questions about my cycles, diet, smoking(which i don’t), health history, and other things. The Doctor then started asking Josh questions since he does already have a child. He brought up his military time and his exposure to radiation. After all the chatting she got down to business. She said that normally what happens is blood work from me, sample from husband, and then a radiation exam(or something like that) where they shoot a liquid in my cervix then take me to radiology to verify Im not “clogged up”. The doctor then says she doesn’t like doing that test unless she has to because it is painful and difficult to schedule. The Doctor then asked if I was opposed to using prescriptions to help…..I know where this is going! Not opposed at all! So, she tells me I have to get blood work done, Josh has to give a sample and that she will give us Clomid. The Doctor then explained Clomid(which I already knew about) and says that her plan is to give us Clomid for 2 months; if nothing happens she will up the dosage and contact an RE. The Doctor also said that if we wanted to we could skip her step and go straight to the RE. I said no to that, I wanted to try the Clomid. After all this the Doctor said she was going to go “take a listen” and for whatever reason my husband and I thought that was the pelvic exam. When we asked her that she said,”No, Im not listening to your uterus…I’m not a uterus whisperer. I can’t tell it to make a baby!” It was hilarious. Both my husband and I started laughing and we both knew she was the Doctor for us. With our sarcasm and our sense of humor we were glad to see that our Doctor had one too!

I left the appointment very happy and Josh did too. I am going to get my blood work done tomorrow and we are still trying to figure out when Josh will give his sample(insurance concerns/problems). I can just hope that all the blood work come back normal, Josh’s sample comes back normal, and we are good to go. So positive thoughts, prayers, whatever you are into send it our way if you can!

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More then a Feeling

Here is the girl coming out in me. Im going to get into the emotional side of things in this journey of mine. Back in the end of 2012 there wasn’t really any bad emotions happening. After a few months when I would get my period I would get frustrated but I would talk with a friend or Josh and I would be fine. One of my close friends(Em*) and I started trying at the same time to have a kid and she got pregnant almost immediately. I was confused because we were both on BC and stopped taking it at around the same time. But as I have read with some people it will take a year for BC to get out of your system and some get pregnant immediately. It was still so early with us trying that I was just very happy for her and there was no negative feelings about her pregnancy. She had a beautiful baby girl in May of 2013. It was so fun for Josh and myself because she is a very close friend of ours. Then as the months went by I would notice more and more of my friends getting pregnant. Every time a new person would announce that they were pregnant all I could think was “why hasn’t it happen to me yet?” Trying, trying, trying, and nothing. I would have my moments…especially around that time of the month. But I will say that I handled the whole situation extremely well up until January 2014. In January it was really starting to sink in that we have been trying for a long time and nothing was happening. We tried every which way: End of ovulation, beginning of ovulation, every other day of the month(my husband has back problems so that one was difficult), every other day of ovulation, majority of the days of ovulation, and whatever other options might have been available through the internet. But we just kept on trying, its just now when I would get my period I would be mad or frustrated that I could’t make this happen. In March 2014 I hit a my rock bottom of TTC(Trying to Conceive). One of my friends(Lynn*), who is also going through fertility problems, was starting a volleyball team and wanted to know if I knew anyone. So, I go to look on my FB to message some friends….almost 10 of my friends where pregnant so I couldn’t ask them…TEN!!! I was feeling pretty down at that point and my husband has just got home so we decided to run to the store. I figured that I was just being emotional because I had started my period(or I was broken as my husband says). So once we get to the store parking lot my husband tells me that Em*, that had the baby that past May, the one who started trying the same time as me, was pregnant with her second child. I instantly started crying. I was so jealous of her. Why was she pregnant? Why am I not? What is wrong with me? “I am put here on this Earth to do one thing and I can’t do it.” Josh just grabbed me and held me in the car. He kept telling me that “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t get upset every time someone announces they are pregnant. Schedule an appointment with the doctor if thats what you think will help.”  He was also talking about how this effects him too and that it could be him that could be causing us to not have a baby(He dealt with radiation in the military after his daughter was born)! I tried to explain to him that it is different for a woman. Every month I’m reminded that I am unable to make a life, that I can’t do the one thing I want to do, and that I am a failure. On top of already being emotional, I then have to deal with that reality each and every month. He just kept reminding me that we will get this. This WILL happen for us. I was just depressed after that. I couldn’t get out of the slump of feeling like everyone else was pregnant and I wasn’t. I couldn’t handle the constant rejection. I scheduled an appointment with a new highly recommend OB for May 2014. I also had a few friends going through a similar situation(infertility). Almost everyday at work I had a girl with me that I could talk with about all of these awful feelings I was having and have someone not judge me. Not saying “you’re young it will happen”, “just relax”, “keep trying”, “did you try___?”, “Want to barrow my kids they are driving me crazy?” I had that person that I could vent to and not feel like a crazy person. Those few friends I had that could relate to me all got pregnant. So it made me realize that I need to get my s*it together and I need to quit being a Debbie Downer. IT WILL HAPPEN. When I started my period in March and April I was a wreck. Extremely depressed, not motivated to do anything, basically unbearable to be around. I would cry all the time and would just look at infertility things on Pinterest all day. After that I realized that MY APPOINTMENT IS THIS MONTH! I then became extremely positive. I knew that I was going to finally start getting answers. I started my period and no negative symptoms(besides cramps). I was just excited that in a week I will get to go talk to someone and find out what I can do to get us a baby. I am unbelievably optimistic about this appointment and we are counting down the days. This is just a PAP, some questions to figure out the next step, and I told my husband he doesn’t have to come but he said that he wants to be there(love him). So, Wednesday05/14/14. The journey will really begin.