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More Results Are In

We got the Semen Analysis back and the results where not as planned.

On Thursday I called the doctor, behind Josh’s back, to see if the results were in yet. The Nurse said they were and she would have the doctor call Josh. I told Josh that and he text me shortly before he got off work to tell me he heard from the doctor. I asked, ” Good or Bad News?” He responded with, “Both”. I had been freaking out most of the day and was feeling a little better once I saw the word both. Josh was asking where I wanted to go to dinner because we were going out. I was curious by this because either things are good or bad. He finally got off work and called me. He then said, ” Well, the results…” I was confused, ” Oh, we are doing this now? OK…what did he say?” So He told me that he count dropped again to 2 Million now. He said his motility went up and the doctor wants a blood test to see where his testosterone is at. If that went down or remained the same that isn’t good. If it went up its a good sign. We have to wait for those results. He said that the doctor said that we may be able to do IUI which I know is not true. The 2 doctors I have dealt with at 2 different facilities require a minimum of 8-15 Million. Both a lot higher than what we are working with. The doctor also said to continue taking the vitamins in the mean time. I asked what the next steps could be? Josh said he kind of stopped listening after he heard his count went down again but, “from the sounds of it, there isn’t much more after this. Something about freezing them that might help if it gets too low.” I started crying in the car while driving to the restaurant. We obviously decided not to go after that. I finally got Josh off the phone so I could have a melt down. All I was thinking was that we aren’t going to be able to have children. It scared the Hell out of me. We talked it over a little over a few days. We said that we will get all the results and send them to the RE to tell us out options. I am hoping we can do this over the phone and they don’t make us wait for an appointment to go to the office to sit with her. If we aren’t sure of what options we are given we will seek a second option. From there we were also talking a lot about adoption. We are both very open to it. I told Josh that I would need to grieve if we can’t have children together but I am very open to adoption.

I am still processing the information. Honestly, I am a bit of a mess. Every time I think about it I get emotional. Whether its crying, becoming silent, shutting down, not talking, avoiding people….or all of it. I try to joke and laugh it off but every once in a while I can’t. I am a very positive person but with this. It hurts me and I can’t be myself. I don’t have an answer to focus my energy on. The WHAT IF is killing me and I will feel so much better once we know our options. Until then I just have to work on feeling like myself again. Josh has also been amazing. When I try to ask how he is feeling he goes SPOCK on me and asked about me instead. He keeps saying, ” I am worried about you because I want this but I know you REALLY want this.” He feels bad about the situation. I try to remind him that this isn’t his fault, he didn’t do this on purpose and it isn’t HIS FAULT. We are in this together. But He’s not really hearing me. I am hoping, sometime soon, I can get some emotion out of him to know how he is really feeling about this whole thing.

To sum things up: We don’t have any official numbers yet but we know Josh’s Count dropped from 4.5 Million to 2 Million and his motility went up.  Waiting for results to talk to the RE.

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1

The Results Are In…Again

I know I keep taking breaks from the blog but I realized that I need it for my sanity. If I engross myself into this baby stuff when there is nothing that we can do I will get crazy. I told myself that I would not update the blog until it was closer to a time when something significant can happen. Finally, it is that time.

The results from Josh’s Blood and Sperm Analysis came back a while ago:

Blood Test- Testosterone: 356 ng/dl (Low), Luteinizing: 6.6 mU/mL (Good), FSH: 7.6 mU/mL(Good)

Sperm Test- DNA: 12.1% (Good), Reactive O2 Species: 2,242.9 RLU/sec (High), Semen PH: 7.2 (Low), Motility: 55% (Improved, Good), Sperm Morphology: 5% (Low), AmOrphology Sperm: 84% (High), Concentration(After Removing “Bad Sperm): 4.6 (Million, Low), Total Count: 16.56 (Million, Low), Total Motile Sperm: 9.11 (Million, Low)

We were told that the low sperm count and the high oxidative stress can be fixed by the Vitamin C and E that he is currently taking in the vitamin regimen that he has been on since November. It is not guaranteed that it will be fixed by those vitamins but we will see with the next test. He also has abnormal morphology. This is not uncommon for men and it also is not an easy fix. We were told that if his numbers do not improve and if this continues to be the problem that IVF with ICSI is our best bet to get pregnant. “Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). ICSI only requires one sperm, which is injected directly into the egg. The fertilised egg (embryo) is then transferred to your uterus (womb).”(http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a4097/fertility-treatment-intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-icsi#ixzz3zFSBNU74) Josh was also told to continue taking the vitamin regimen, some others meds, then we will retest in a 3 months.

Guess what kids….Its been three months. I know, I can’t believe it either how time as flied by. As of February 11th Josh can go get re-tested. He calls in the day before to set up the appointment then we go from there. Josh travels a lot now for work and we are not sure if he will be in town that day so he had not set up the appointment yet. If he can’t go the 11th then we just try each thursday after that(18th, 25th, etc.) He believes that he will be traveling that week so it might have to wait until the 18th. I am hoping not but he doesn’t have much control of when he travels so we will see what happens. Best Case Scenario, Josh gets his test done in a week. This makes me very excited because even though I have been trying to avoid the baby talking, it hasn’t been going very well.

I introduced my friend to my doctor and she started Clomid and testing and everything right away. But before I knew it she was doing IUI and I was in a daze. She took her OPK at work and when she came back from the bathroom with a BFP, she was ecstatic. She instantly left to call the doctor to set up the appointment for their IUI. I literally ran to the bathroom and burst into tears. I was so mad at her and jealous and devastated and heartbroken. She has been trying for a long time and deserves this. But I have too. I have been dealing with doctors and so has my husband. Going through this pain of nothing for months on end just for my friend to get to do this so quickly. After literally vocalizing all of this to another friend I realized, ” I just need to feel bad for myself first so I can then be happy for her.” I needed to be frustrated and deal with my emotions. I used to be a very instant person. If I felt something everyone knew and I didn’t care about the repercussions or how it would effect others. If I was mad at you, you knew it, no matter how childish the situation. I never took the time to think about the situation before erupting with emotions. I am much better at expressing my emotions in a healthy way. Obviously we all have our moments but, no matter what the emotion is, I figure it out and go on with my day. I didn’t want her to think that she couldn’t talk to me about it or that i wasn’t happy for her because I was. I felt awful when my best friend thought she couldn’t tell me she was pregnant because of our situation. I wanted to make sure I never let one of my friends think that ever again. After I grieved that day I was able to be happy for her and wanted to know every detail about it. Unfortunately, it did not take and either did the 2 other times. She is taking a break now because you can tell it has taken an emotional toll on her. I don’t blame her and she needs this break. Physically and Emotionally. I hope that she gets her family soon because she has been through a lot, especially these last few months. It seems to be a pretty exhausting process where time is not your friend and you have run to the doctors at the drop of a hat on numerous occasions. I can’t say that I am looking forward to not having control over this situation. But I am so overwhelmed with the glimmer of hope over these next few weeks with Josh’s tests. This might be our time. Instead of all the waiting we might be able to finally start the process of getting pour baby.

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Trying this Patience Thing

The plan has changed again but don’t worry, it is still full of waiting.

Last month Josh was taking his thyroid medicine but he said that he was not feeling any different from it. He said he was still tired, extremely tired and his appetite had not changed much either. I was bugging him a lot about getting tested early to see if this dosage of meds was making a difference. Josh was reluctant. He kept telling me that the doctor wanted him to wait the full 90 days so that is what he is going to do. I tried to be supportive but in my mind we were wasting time when Josh knew it wasn’t making a difference at all. I finally told Josh that I am not trying to nag him or pressure him to go against the doctors wishes. BUT at the same time, the sooner he gets his dosage correct, the sooner we can do the IUI. I said, “what is the harm in calling to ask….the worst that will happen is they tell you to wait the full 90 days.” He understood where I was coming from and made the call. The doctor agreed to a blood test to see where he was at to then determine if he should up the dosage. GREAT…we are moving this along. Josh does the blood test and he says that they didn’t give him a number but that they were upping the dosage again. The beginning of August he started taking the new dosage.

A friend of mine started Clomid last month and just did her second round. Another friend of mine unfortunately just had her second failed IVF cycle and is in the process of figuring out what they will do next. On top of all the babies showing up on my news feed as well as pregnancy chatter, not a lot of pregnancy announcements (for now). There is so much going on with everyone else but we are just sitting here, waiting. I have been avoiding coming on her because I didn’t want to see other people making progress and me…waiting. Selfish, I know. Honestly, I didn’t even want to type today but I needed to get this off my chest. I talked to Josh tonight. He informed me that with this dosage he has to do the full 90 day cycle. I believe that he told me that before but I think that I was being stubborn and selfish trying to get the dosage upped anytime he wasn’t feeling different from the meds. With that, if everything fell in our best interest, in November we could do IUI…MAYBE October but doubtful. I was enraged hearing this. I was asking him what his thoughts were on the situation. We talked about doing another analysis but that is only going to be covered so many times through the VA. Josh informed me that the VA is not like a Hospital, its more like Health Assistance. They aren’t going to do these analysis over and over again(like an infertility clinic would) for infertility unless it is for some sort of preventative care. Which means no more Semen Analysis until we are sure that we will do the IUI because the meds are making a real difference with Josh’s thyroid. Josh said that he has been doing research(I love him) about improving Motility and Sperm Count. He was talking about how there are different foods he can eat, vitamins, and about 10-15 other things that we can do to improve his boys. It was nice for him to show the initiative. I told him that it is so unnerving because neither of us can do a lot to get this going again. I feel like the last year of testing was a waste because we are going back to using Pre-Seed, using OPK’s, planning sex, using the app to track ovulation more and when my period should start, and all the other weird things we did to try to get us pregnant. Doing all of these things with the uncertainty of if it is even worth it. What if we are doing all of that just to find out that Josh’s count barely improved and he needs to up his thyroid medicine again. Which means we wasted all that time, money, and energy just to do it all over again for another 90 days, another three months. I’m not saying sex with my husband is a waste of time but when it is planned sex, it is difficult to keep that fun, that is the energy that I am talking about being wasted. With that being said Josh was excited for this. He was happy that for the next few month it will be all us and no doctors help. He isn’t enthusiastic about us potentially needing doctors to have a baby so anytime we don’t have to use doctor’s he is happy. I wanted to cry. I am over waiting. We started see all the doctors to have a baby and now we are waiting with no doctors until the end of October. I think that I am overly upset about this because we will be passing the three-year mark in September. Three years of TTC with no baby. I am going to allow myself to be sad for a bit. I need to just process this and move past it.

The updated plan is that Josh will hopefully get a CPAP Machine soon, yes, he has that going for him as well. I am hoping that makes a difference on top of the meds. I don’t know if it will but anything to improve his overall health I am down with. I am thinking that in October he can schedule a Semen Analysis depending on how he is feeling. If he still doesn’t feel any better with this med cycle then we will not schedule one. We will schedule his blood test to see if the thyroid medicine needs to be tweaked again. Next paycheck Josh will buy whatever he thinks can improve his motility and count. Next Ovulation(end of August, beginning of September) we will go back to tracking and planning to see what happens. Trying to be optimistic but its tiresome when you feel like you are taking two steps forward only to find out you are actually taking three steps back.

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The Results Are In

This entry is about 2 weeks overdue. I was never able to find the words to type this. I finally decided to do it tonight but due to me waiting so long to type it I don’t remember everything that was said between Josh and myself during our discussions. I apologize but I will do my best.

We got the results of Josh’s Semen Analysis. First, Josh got the results from the guys at the VA. Josh got the call while he was at work. They told him the number, 6.8 Million, and Josh’s response was, ” What does that mean?”  Josh was told by the Nurse on the phone that his number is low and the motility was low as well. The guy said that the paper says that “the average is 40 million and your number is 6.8 which means that it is low.” I was in the car driving home when Josh told me. He didn’t give me any hint as to how he was feeling. Josh had to get off the phone because he was at work which meant I had my hour car ride home to think this over. I was in shock. This wasn’t the plan. It’s supposed to be me. I am supposed to have to suffer through the doctors appointments and test, not him. I got home and went right to the computer to look up what might happen next.

I go to the Mayo Clinic Site because I noticed it is the most user-friendly. First thing I see are potential causes: Infections, Veins that are swelled, Antibodies that attack Sperm, Tumors, Unbalanced Hormones, certain medications, Chromosome defects, etc. Josh was on some narcotics after his car accident when he was in the Navy. He was on these for about 5 years because he has 7 herniated discs in his back, this could be one reason. We recently found out about Josh’s thyroid issues, this could be a reason. Who knows….all of this is running through my brain. Then I go to the treatment: Ultrasounds (Scrotal and/or Transrectal), Hormone or Genetic Testing, Testicular Biopsy, etc. OH MY GOODNESS! He didn’t sign up for this. Is he going to still want to do this? I stopped looking because I didn’t want Josh seeing me doing this research and I needed a break.

Josh came home and I was trying to talk to him about the information we received. He was making jokes. It was very frustrating because I wanted to know how he felt. I didn’t want to force the feelings out but I wanted to know how he was taking all this. I would think about this all the time, waiting for results and expecting the worst, wondering what Josh would think if we couldn’t have children because of me. Now, I am not saying we can’t have kids but now it is on him, not me, and I don’t know what is going on in his head. I went into the bedroom to lay down. I couldn’t figure out how I was feeling. Very random but I was just full of emotions and no understanding of them. Josh came in the bedroom and asked what was wrong? I told him that I was frustrated he wouldn’t tell me how he was feeling and I was worried what was going on with him. He said that he was fine. That he was happy that we finally had a direction of what we needed to do next. I respond with “….that’s it?” he was always confused with this(every time I asked, which was multiple time) because he is Spock, a robot, an emotionless bag of bones. It was driving me crazy that all he was saying was that he was happy that we were on track and then he asked how I was feeling. That’s when it hit the fan. I DON’T KNOW. I’m agitated, elated, heartbroken, relieved, I don’t know. Yes, we have a path. Instead of receiving bad news we would just get news: Clomid didn’t work, HSG was negative, blood work was fine. This was bad news that wasn’t mine. It was Josh’s bad news. I was mad that we didn’t get him tested sooner. I was irritated that we put it off so many times because we thought it was him, that it could never be him. I had a small sense of ease that I could get a break from all the appointments and test. I was devastated that this turned into Josh’s doctor appointments and test. That he was going to have to be poked and prodded. I was prepared to do that and that he wouldn’t have to, he shouldn’t have to. I am devastated with that. He said that everything is ok. That he was doing research too and he was ok with all of it. Josh said that he wants a baby and he will do what he has to so we can have our baby. What a relief. We talked for a bit about it and I felt a lot better. Once the tension subsided I was able to joke with him, “You are a ROBOT, that’s why the sperm is low, you aren’t supposed to have any…AHHH!!!” It lightened the moment and ended that conversation on a positive note. A few days later we continued this conversation and also talked about Adoption. It is nice that he is open to that and I am too. It is our last resort because we want to exhaust out options to have a biological child but just knowing we are on the same page is great to hear.

The next step was to fax the results to my Doctor. After phone tag for a few days I was finally able to talk to her. My Doctor said that Josh’s number was almost 7 Million and she wants to see at least 15 Million. Also, that his Motility was at 27% and she wants to see at least 40%. With these results she wants to re-test him to verify these results are correct. I then informed her about his thyroid and she let out an “Ooohhhhh!” that was such a relief to me. This was not a weary oh. It was a hearty, enlighten oh. She seemed very optimistic with hearing about this new development she wasn’t aware of. The Doctor asked when Josh was going to be tested again and I told her it was August. The Doctor said to contact her in August with his result and we will figure out our next step in August or September.

Wait…..wait……waiting. I know it is a little unrealistic but after the first appointment with the Doctor I was thinking I would be starting with the IUI process in August. Not waiting for results and then starting a plan. I know it is still a possibility but if his numbers don’t improve I don’t know what the next step is and that is nerve-wrecking. I really hope that his numbers improve and we move forward with IUI soon. IUI was our next step but it is also the next step for us with Josh’s diagnosis. IUI is the best bet when dealing with male infertility.

September will mark 3 years of our TTC adventure. I am trying to stay positive because IUI is still a possibility to be done that month. Two years sounded reasonable to me but THREE sounds like a long time. I have been feeling very indifferent now. Some days I feel down on myself with little to no motivation to do anything. Other days I am my normal happy go lucky self. I don’t know if the lack of knowing is causing this or if it is stress from work, life, or whatever else. With that being said I have been listening to a lot of Christian music. I consider myself a religious person but not an organized religion kind of person(if that makes sense). I don’t go to church or read the Bible often. I used to do both of those regularly(church camps, youth nights, every sunday, the whole nine yards) but as an adult there are many things that I don’t agree with or don’t understand; for that reason I struggle with finding a church to go to because I want to believe in everything they teach. Not just bits an pieces. Regardless, I believe in God and I have Faith. I have faith in our situation and that things will work out for us. Whatever that means, we will find out soon enough, but I have faith none the less. I have not been doubting my Faith but I have been needing a reminder of it. I found a song that I feel we can all relate to with the constant battle of doubt. Doubting if we should keep going when TTC.

I know that the song is about God but for me that is not the only thing it is about. It is about our baby and the idea of our baby. Sometimes when struggling with TTC all you can do is hold on to the idea of the family you will get in the end. But there are times when you think that it might not happen. “When its hard to believe in you”. Then there is a reminder, “If only i could fight just a little longer I know it’s gonna make me stronger. I just keep holding on to what I believe. oh, I believe in you” This song has been my little reminder when The Waiting gets to me. When I forget about that Dream that I had. I have been listening to it everyday, multiple times a day. Don’t forget why we do this people. There is hope! Keep the Faith. Even if you aren’t religious have Faith that you will get the family you desire and dream for.

I will be back in August with an update from Josh’s Thyroid appointment and if any of you have advice on this side of Infertility we would appreciate it. This is a new battle that we weren’t expecting but Josh and I are ready for anything.

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Why Did You Do That Dove?

If you are like everyone else is the world I am assuming most of you saw that Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl comes the commercials. There were a lot of serious commercials and some funny ones as well. I liked the BMW i3 commercial and the Fiat one with the Viagra pill. Both cute commercials to lighten the intense game. The Nationwide commercial was extreme for me but definitely memorable, probably what they were going for. Obviously we have Budweiser. That dog…gets me every time! Josh said last years commercial was better but I thought this year Budweiser did just as well. I teared up, that little guy could have been eaten if it wasn’t for those Clydesdales. For me the most memorable commercial was Doves. Now most people probably wouldn’t say that or even remember the commercial compared to the others. Watching the TV intently through the commercials and I see this adorable baby jumping into Daddy’s arms in a pool. Then they continue with another adorable baby calling to Daddy…and it goes on and on with that.

Once that ultrasound was up I started to tear up, then the girl hugs her dad crying and I was done. I tried to hide it but Josh was sitting in the chair next to me and knew. He got out of the chair and crawled over to me. He hugged me and just asked the obvious question, “What’s wrong babe?” I tried to pull myself together but the second he hugged me and I felt his embrace the tears were flowing. “I want to give you a baby that can call Daddy out to you.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said ,”You will”. At that point the game came back on and I was doing everything to get him to his chair so I could pick up the pieces this Dove commercial crumbled for me. I said, “The game is back on….you are going to miss it.”  He held me tight and said, “I don’t care.” It was so sweet for him to drop everything except me. I love him so much it is unbelievable. He may not be that emotional or say all the gushing things but when it comes down to it he really tries to be that sensitive guy with the shoulder I need. He has been wonderful through this and I really am grateful for him.

Since I have been taking the OPK I have had nothing but BFN and its become a little frustrating. With this stupid app that I have it showed today as my last ovulation day and nothing. Now, when I took my temperature it showed that I ovulate late. I am hoping that I ovulate closer to CD 17-19. Seeing as CD 12-16 don’t feel like working with me. Another Josh moment I adore. As we were talking about this yesterday he was asking if its possible for me to not ovulate. I respond with a Yes. He then asked what would happen if I didn’t. I explained that it depends on what corse we/the doctors want to take. I could be but on Meds or need shots or nothing. Josh responded with a simple, “OK, I have no problem giving you shots if that’s what you need.” Thanks for that because I don’t think I could do it myself.

Today it decided to down pour some snow on to us Ohioans so when Josh and I spoke this morning it was about our awful drives to work and just making sure we both made it ok. I then get a random text from Josh in the middle of the day that said, “A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. Mind Blown.” I call him, “…someone has been doing some reading.” We simply chuckle at each other. He said that he had been thinking about it and decided to do some reading. He found that I could be ovulating right before my period “so maybe it was bad timing.” I hate that phrase but for once he could be right. We would never mess around close to my period for the messy reasons that we don’t want to happen. Who knows(I will in a few days, hopefully) maybe I could ovulate later then the usual Joe! Lets all hope for some BFP in the future, this girl needs to ovulate!

4

Give Me a Break…Unfortunately

My weekend was fantastic…not really! Saturday my friend was having a party and we were getting ready to go. I found out my period had started the worst possible way, with my husband, that was extremely humiliating and embarrassing. Then I am leaving the bedroom and find out that my laundry room is flooded by my hot water tank that decided to break. Appropriately, we spent our Saturday night cleaning our laundry room. Sunday morning we ran to Home Depot to get a new tank and find out about installs. The extremely helpful worker told us”….I’m not sure but if you call the number on the box(proceeds to look at the box) 1-800-homedepot they should be able to help.” While we are still in the store I call the number. I get to an associate who starts taking my information after I tell him what I am looking to do. After he takes my information I ask him for prices for the install and he says,” I don’t have an answer for that but I can take down your number and have them call you with an answer…they will probably call you sometime tomorrow after, like, 5pm. It would probably be better for you to just call back tomorrow.” I tell my husband that and he asks if there is any way we can just get an appointment and go from there. I ask the gentleman on the phone that and he says, “I actually can’t set up appointment but I can put you in the system and they can contact you for appointment times tomorrow or you can just call tomorrow, that will be faster anyway.” Well, thanks for all of your help mister man on the phone. We then buy the tank and some supplies to head home. Josh thinks he can figure it out but it was more then he could bargain for. We contact my step dad who came over to help us out(Thank God!) Unfortunately, we all missed the whole Browns VS Steelers Game…but at least we won!!!!! Thankfully, I had Monday off for the bank Holiday so I was able to catch up on my laundry. It was a great weekend.

Saturday I started, kind of. I wasn’t supposed to start until Wednesday. It abruptly showed up(unwanted) for Saturday night, was gone Sunday, then came back with a vengeance today. My back starting right below my shoulders down to the lower back is killing me. I have a headache and my right side is kind of bugging me as well. The joys of being a lady, Im over it!

As I have stated before, this was out last round of Clomid. No more Clomid. So, what’s next? Well, My plan is simple. I am taking a break from all this through the Holidays. I want to focus on paying down so medical and dental bills that have accrued over the last year. If and when we decide to move forward with insemination or other testing or whatever its going to be expensive. We might as well start paying some things down over these next 3-4 months while we don’t have anything going on. My next major dentist appointment is already scheduled for the end of January and we can just continue with my testing in February. During that time I am going to focus on ME…and my house. We still need a new roof which is priority #1 with the house. Then the other things: New carpet, new bed, new furniture, painting, etc. Repairing a house is a never ending battle. In January or maybe even February I will contact my GYNO to ask her for some test to be done. I am going to do more research but I heard that getting the same procedure done by an RE or an GYNO, it is cheaper by the GYNO. If any of you know if thats true let me know? I want to get the testing for Endo and I would like my Thyroid checked as well. My Mother-in-law, who is a nurse, suggested that because of my concern with my weight gain. During this break I am considering getting a second opinion on my situation as well(RE or GYNO). My Mother-in-Law also agrees with that. My husband doesn’t agree but said that I can do what I want. I might look into more at the facility I go to now or I may use a different one. That I am not sure of as well. I am basically going to be doing research on my break and making decisions after the Holidays. I am also going to track my periods too but no ovulation kits, pregnancy test(unless really late), and trying not to plan sex. I don’t think that will be a problem but sometime both myself and my husband catch ourselves counting when we should even before we were on Clomid.

I am sad. I was crying on the way home yesterday and almost broke down at work today when a customer brought in her 9 week old baby girl. Its rough knowing that Im still not pregnant 2 years later. Yet another Holiday season with no baby, baby bump, or baby announcement. My birthday is in December as well and it would be the ultimate present to get pregnant, to know Im going to be a mom. That’s all I want is to be a mom. Therefore, to make that happen I have to get it together. Any advice on that feel free to share. I am up for any suggestions at this point. Send good vibes my way because during this break of mine my best friend Em* is going to have her baby, her sister-in-law is going to have her baby, I just found out another friend is pregnant, and Amber* is going to have her twins. I will be surrounded and though I am thrilled for all of them it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Send this girl some strength!

2

Clomid Chronicles Chapter Five

My last round of Clomid is done. I am apprehensive and relieved for it to be over…for now. Like I have stated before, the doctor said we could continue and I know that most doctors only allow to do it for six months. So, I would only have one more month if we did decide to continue with it. I just want to feel like me again! I will pass on trying it for one more month. If it doesn’t happen after five tries I’m not going to put my body through a sixth time. Also, this cycle I took the pills on days 3-7 instead of the typical 5-9 I was told by my doctor to do. I did notice more emotional effects but nothing crazy or unbearable like the first round which you can read about Here. Sill 100MG as well.

Day 1

8AM Take Pill

I don’t really remember what time it was, between 4:00PM-4:45PM, but I was getting ready to take money to the vault(I work at a bank, don’t think I have shared that before) and my coworker was talking to a customer. He was sharing that his weekend plans where to get their nursery together. he continued to talk about the building of things and painting. I went into the vault and had to take a minute. I had to get it together. I did not cry but I was right there. I was ready to just break down in that vault. I wanted to fall to the floor and just sob BUT I didn’t. I took about 30 seconds to gather my thoughts and my composure to walk out of that vault like nothing was wrong.

Day 2

8AM Take Pill

7PM We had my step daughter that day and we were on our way to a festival that was happening in a city near us. When we stopped for gas on the way there my husband got out of the car and my step daughter started talking to me about her cousin. She just blurted out that her 17 year old cousin was pregnant by her boyfriend. on a side note I am awful at hiding my true reactions to things. What I am thinking shows on my face 98% of the time. So, when my step daughter said that I know my face was bleeding with shock and disappointment. She believed this was all because the girl was only 17 and having a baby boy. But its OK because she didn’t plan on going to college(don’t even get me started there). As we were driving and rocking our to Flogging Mollies(Irish band, amazing). I stared out the window in disbelief of the news I just heard. Why can’t we get pregnant? This child can that is 10 years younger then me but we can’t. I was falling into a depressed state fast. Once we got there I brushed it off and enjoyed our time together but it still lingered with me for the rest of the night.

Day 3

8:45AM Take Pill

Day 4

8AM- Take Pill

9PM(ISH)- That night I was reading some the blogs and was thinking to myself, “I wonder if my RE is doing everything she can for me? Should I get a second opinion to see if another RE would do something different?” Then I was reading things about Unexplained Infertility and bout how its ok to get a second opinion. So, I decided to ask my husband about it. He said I don’t see a point because they will probably say the same thing so why waste our time and money. Then that conversation turned into well if IUI doesn’t work what is our next step? Which turned into my husband saying that IVF is very expensive, that he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money multiple times to try to have a baby, and that we could just adopt. Which lead to me crying and him asking,”Why do you always want to have these conversation when you are on Clomid?” I do have these conversation every time I am on Clomid to which I don’t understand. Apparently that is when I have epiphanies about things. Josh just hugged me. I told him that he doesn’t understand. Family is VERY important to me and he already has a daughter so he gets that but I want us to have our baby so I can know that feeling of being a Mom, not just a Step-Mom. He responded with, “we can do IVF, whatever you want to do, we can do that.” Reading it may sound harsh but it was not stated that way at all. It was a genuine gesture of “I will support you with whatever you want us to do.” I was so relieved that he was willing to go through this exhausting, never-ending, struggle with me so that we can eventually have our family.

Day 5

8AM- Take Pill

The rest of the time I have been on Clomid I have been in a depressed state. Just crawling through each day. Not doing anything extra that I could have. I did laundry and that is it because I had to do it. I had no energy to accomplish anything else. My body didn’t allow me to do anything extra these last few days. I was on the verge of crying ALL THE TIME. I am feeling a little better today but it is only my first day of not taking it so its not much of a change. But its almost time to push all the bad emotions to the side and start baby making. I need to get myself out of this funk and the baby shower I have to attend this weekend probably won’t help that. BUT I will make the best of that situation. I am so happy for my friend that did 1 round of Clomid and is having twins…if only we were all that lucky! So, I will kick ass at all the games, mingle, take a bunch of pictures, and enjoy the shower for my friend. I am so elated to be able to share this with her. Please send some strength, sanity, and positive vibes at this one so I don’t have a break down at this shower. I will hopefully have a BFP update after this coming 2WW.

0

Are we Still on the Same Page?

I’ve been playing the fun game we all know and hate which is the 2WW. I am pretty sure I started spotting today so looks like the 2WW ended a little early for me. I was very hopeful because I haven’t been feeling that great lately: bloating(all the time), headaches(which I never get), nauseous, and tired. Now, I know that this spotting could be nothing and I could still be pregnant but I have a feeling it is just my Broken Time(as my husband calls it) creeping up to come visit. Another month down, another to go.

The other day after the Clomid Cycle my husband was talking to me about his insurance at his work. He had just reached the time frame required to be able to sign up for their benefits and was telling me about his conversation with a friend of his at work. Josh had told his friend about our situation and was asking what the company’s coverage was like for fertility or the pregnancy process. The friend said that its not that great and that it really just covers the basic stuff for pregnancy and child birth. The guy then asked Josh what his game plan was with us. Josh then told the guy, “If we aren’t pregnant by the end of the winter(which for our area is about March) then I think we should hold off for a bit. Heres the thing, my dogs are my kids so we can focus on the house for a bit first.” I was in a daze after hearing that. He doesn’t want to try any more. This is too much for him and he is checked out. I didn’t say a word the whole time he talked. i just sat there and processed every word that fell out of his mouth. Hanging on every syllable and praying that he comes back to the place where we were when he wanted this just as bad as me. So, the conversation just ended and I knew I wanted to talk to him about it but I wanted to find the words and not become a blithering idiot in the process.

We took some time off together because our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. With that being said I knew that we needed to schedule Josh’s Semen Analysis because they only do the testing from 7-2 and Josh works from 8-5 every day. Having a limited time frame I wanted us to do it on a day off so we weren’t “rushed”. I start to call to get everything scheduled and they need his insurance card and information. Well, his insurance is through the VA and when I tell the woman that on the phone she lists some carriers that Josh used to have but doesn’t anymore. She said that we now have to be contacted to verify if it will be covered or not. I then try to cheat the system and contact the local facility to schedule the appointment and ,sure enough, they send me back to the previous scheduler. I tell Josh to contact he VA to see if they can do it there and it be covered. He said his phone was dead and he will charge it, mow the lawn, and when he’s done he will call. He said that I can do my testing but maybe we should hold off on his until we know more. Also that I should contact my insurance today to see what all is covered since we haven’t done that yet either and we are already getting things tested. Now is the time to chat. Keep it together Tiffany(that’s Me), just find out where he stands.

I open my mouth, not even thinking and the word start falling out. “Babe, I wanna chat real quick before you go outside…So, what are you thinking will happen if the Clomid doesn’t work?” He then starts to talk about how we already talked about this the other day. That if the Clomid doesn’t work that we will take a break and get the house fixed up(need a new roof because its leaking, new furniture, carpet, bed. We also need to patch some holes still, paint, and a few other things). He said that he doesn’t want to get into the expensive IBF(Such a dork and corrected that) when we have work to be done around here. I then asked the question I was dreading, “So, after that does that mean you don’t want to try anymore, ever?” “No! not at all!” A HUGE sigh of relief falls over me. I couldn’t have been happier at that moment. He even said he’s not even considering us talking about adoption yet or anything like that and the he definitely still wants to continue trying. “We will do the every other day thing when we think you are ovulating and all of that stuff. But if we had a baby now I would be happy but worried too because we need so much done to the house.” Which I do agree with him on. It would be hard to try to care for a new baby financially when we need to spend close to 10k on a new roof. I told him that I was just worried because the other day he talked about our dogs being our kids and I thought he just didn’t want to try anymore. He corrected that and said that he wants kids with me,”You see how I get around kids of corse I want one.” So, we agreed that after these rounds of Clomid(I have 2 more) that we will hold off on the insemination process(which ever we may need) until we at least get a new roof. We will still do my testing on the 25th and if I need “cleaned out” we will do that as well. But, depending on what my insurance says will determine if we continue my testing or if we wait on that as well.

Its hard to hear that we are waiting again but we are on the same page. We are not waiting forever, we are still going to try. This isn’t an end, this isn’t a bump in the road, or an delay. This is just a different route to the same goal. I couldn’t be more overjoyed that we are still in this for the long haul. He is just being my realistic reminder while I sit in my baby bubble. So, Monday is the day. I find out if my Tubes and Uterus are doing their job for the most part. Then we go from there. hoping for the best, Preparing for the worst. I’ll be back with an update then! After our emotional conversation(only emotional for me, stupid period) feeling very clear. Lets do this!

0

PERIOD

Yup, that happen yesterday! Now I will go get my 100MG of Clomid to start on Sunday. Let’s hope for the best on this one.

I don’t want to put all of my husbands business out there. Not like Im not already talking about his sex life and what not but we had a very big personal conversation after I posted about my RE Appointment and things got pretty intense. I just wanted to express how happy I am that I have him by my side through this whole process. I know that it is his process too but its nice having a support system that will be there for me when I need him. He told me, “I know that I don’t say it a lot but I do care about you a lot and I don’t want anything to happen to you…I love you so much and I want us to get healthy together! Also so you can stop being so self conscious because you are beautiful.” That is what I needed! He doesn’t express his emotions much and in the 6 years we have been together he has cried maybe 4-5 times. I told him that his nick name was going to be Spock because he doesn’t show emotions(I wouldn’t have know stuff like that before him…Im so lame). But it was nice to see that he cared that much, that it moved him, that he just wants us to be the best us that we can for this kid. I am so happy to have Josh as my husband. I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend the rest of my life with.

1

First RE Appointment

Today was the day! I went to my first RE Appointment.

I got to the doctors office and obviously the nurse did the norm: Asked me all the,”Do you have trouble walking or functioning” type questions AKA the ones that everyone says NO too! Then asked some questions about my cycles, my Clomid cycles, and other questions that the OBGYN asked already. After she was done the typical, “The doctor will be in shortly to see you.” The nurse came in fairly quick and the Doctor did as well.

When the Doctor came into the room she shook my hand and got right into it. She paraphrased back everything that the nurse and I already went over then asked a few of the same questions as well. The Doctor then told me she was going to look over the blood work that was taken a few months ago. She looked at it and her jaw dropped a little and then started asking about my cycles. I thought she may have seen something bad about my cycles, i didn’t know how, but thats what I was thinking. She asked if I ALWAYS got my period, if they were constant, if they were very heavy, etc. Then she said that I had the early onset of Diabetes. WHAT?!?!?! She turned the screen to show me that my levels for that were a 6.0 and normal was 4.5(i think)-6.0 and that 6.4 is considered Diabetic. I was so confused at first. It went from all these cycle questions to Diabetes. What’s sad is I wasn’t as shocked as I probably should have been. My paternal Grandpa died from diabetes after having both of his legs from the knee down removed and part of his one arm. My father and maternal Grandpa have diabetes as well. So, in my mind I was thinking, “It was bound to happen eventually.” But at 26?

Once that was done we started talking about options. One of the first things she said was, “One of the things with Unexplained Infertility…” And I stopped hearing after that. Unexplained, how can you say that? There hasn’t been any testing yet and you are just going to say unexplained; then I tuned back into the conversation. She was saying that we are both young and so we need to take a few steps to get where we need to. We can even take his sperm and just insert it to help improve the process but there were a few things that she wanted to do first before we got to that point. She said that we WILL up the Clomid to 100MG and do that for another 2 months at MAX! If I don’t become pregnant by then I have to have a Hysterosalpingography, in english,  check my uterus and tubes for scarring, abnormalities, and that the tubes aren’t blocked. She also ordered for Josh to have a sample tested. I think that I will have my test done after next month and Joshs’, the sooner the better. She asked how I reacted to Clomid that first time. I then told her of Clomid Chronicles as well as Chapter 2 and she responded with, “Very good”. She said that most people that have bad reactions with the lower dosage have just as bad, if not worse reactions with the higher dosage. Also, that if there are any bad reactions to let her know so they can potentially put me on something else. One of the last things she brought up was that after the 2 months of Cloimd and if I am not pregnant by then we will do the insemination of his sperm into me. Nothing fancy just removing the sex part = (. I hope that doesn’t happen but that would be the next step after the 2 months of Clomid and the test on both of us. After that we were done and I was sent away to get my Clomid and tell my husband all the good news…kind of.

photo

The elevator ride down I said it out loud, “I JUST SAW AN RE.” This is real, you just saw a specialist to get pregnant. You never think thats how its going to be when you are a kid. I remember having it planned out as a child: Get married at 21-22, have my first kid by 23-24, have my second by 24-25, and then go from there with the other 3 that I wanted…yea, I wanted 5 kids! Now that Im not an irrational teenager and married at 24(which is young still, I know) I realize after all this that it is not that easy. What happen to that plan though? The simplicity of getting married and just popping out some babies. That is gone. This is your life. Going to RE Appointments, finding out you could get diabetes if you don’t get your sh!# together, taking pills to get pregnant, OH, and if that doesn’t work then you get a dye shoved into your vagina to make sure its working right. Just like I dreamed it as a kid!

I finally got to the car to call Josh I tell him as it happened in the appointment, so, the early Diabetes was first. He was shocked and immediately started talking about how this is the reality check that we are going to use to get it together. He said,” I don’t mean to sound mean but I am more worried about this then having a kid. What am I supposed to do if we have a kid then you get stuck in a wheel chair from losing your legs to diabetes? Or worse? I want to spend a long healthy life with you so we need to get this taken care of soon.” Now, I wasn’t happy when I heard that first part but then the rest came out and I was completely understanding of that. Josh wants a child with me SO BAD that I know this didn’t come out without some thought behind it. He is genuinely concerned for myself and my health so he wants us to be healthy together. He then talked about juicers, going to the gym, if not the gym doing exercises together at home, cutting out bad foods, or replacing them with some better foods, and he just went on and on about how we are going to fix this. It was endearing but A LOT to take in. His encouragement made me really take in how sever this Diabetes thing could be and it was nice to know I have such a great support system to help me. We then talked about the Cloimd and the testing. He was less then thrilled to hear about that but knows that it has to be done. We also talked about the insemination process and the first words out of his mouth, “How much is all of this going to cost?” I was thinking the same thing. I have no idea how much this is all going to cost and I am nervous to find out. He also apologized that he wasn’t able to be there which was very nice to hear as well. I know that he was but after we talked about everything and he said that it was just nice to hear it, out loud, that he wanted to be there(he had to go home to take care of the dogs.).

So, where this leave us. My period was supposed to start today and I took a test this morning…I KNOW its too early but IF it was positive I was hoping to be able to cancel the appointment for today. The test was negative and my period still hasn’t started so we will see what happens. If it comes then I will start the Clomid and go for a month if not 2 depending on when I can get the day off for my testing. Then go from there. Still hopeful. Still positive. Just absorbing all the information that I received today. I just want everything to be ok, with myself, Josh and the Future Fetus. I want everything to work out. I am still feel positive that we are getting answers and information to move this forward. Though it was not the answers I was expecting(like it ever is) it was answers in the right direction. Now time to wait for the period and hopefully it doesn’t come so we can get this party started!