More Results Are In

We got the Semen Analysis back and the results where not as planned.

On Thursday I called the doctor, behind Josh’s back, to see if the results were in yet. The Nurse said they were and she would have the doctor call Josh. I told Josh that and he text me shortly before he got off work to tell me he heard from the doctor. I asked, ” Good or Bad News?” He responded with, “Both”. I had been freaking out most of the day and was feeling a little better once I saw the word both. Josh was asking where I wanted to go to dinner because we were going out. I was curious by this because either things are good or bad. He finally got off work and called me. He then said, ” Well, the results…” I was confused, ” Oh, we are doing this now? OK…what did he say?” So He told me that he count dropped again to 2 Million now. He said his motility went up and the doctor wants a blood test to see where his testosterone is at. If that went down or remained the same that isn’t good. If it went up its a good sign. We have to wait for those results. He said that the doctor said that we may be able to do IUI which I know is not true. The 2 doctors I have dealt with at 2 different facilities require a minimum of 8-15 Million. Both a lot higher than what we are working with. The doctor also said to continue taking the vitamins in the mean time. I asked what the next steps could be? Josh said he kind of stopped listening after he heard his count went down again but, “from the sounds of it, there isn’t much more after this. Something about freezing them that might help if it gets too low.” I started crying in the car while driving to the restaurant. We obviously decided not to go after that. I finally got Josh off the phone so I could have a melt down. All I was thinking was that we aren’t going to be able to have children. It scared the Hell out of me. We talked it over a little over a few days. We said that we will get all the results and send them to the RE to tell us out options. I am hoping we can do this over the phone and they don’t make us wait for an appointment to go to the office to sit with her. If we aren’t sure of what options we are given we will seek a second option. From there we were also talking a lot about adoption. We are both very open to it. I told Josh that I would need to grieve if we can’t have children together but I am very open to adoption.

I am still processing the information. Honestly, I am a bit of a mess. Every time I think about it I get emotional. Whether its crying, becoming silent, shutting down, not talking, avoiding people….or all of it. I try to joke and laugh it off but every once in a while I can’t. I am a very positive person but with this. It hurts me and I can’t be myself. I don’t have an answer to focus my energy on. The WHAT IF is killing me and I will feel so much better once we know our options. Until then I just have to work on feeling like myself again. Josh has also been amazing. When I try to ask how he is feeling he goes SPOCK on me and asked about me instead. He keeps saying, ” I am worried about you because I want this but I know you REALLY want this.” He feels bad about the situation. I try to remind him that this isn’t his fault, he didn’t do this on purpose and it isn’t HIS FAULT. We are in this together. But He’s not really hearing me. I am hoping, sometime soon, I can get some emotion out of him to know how he is really feeling about this whole thing.

To sum things up: We don’t have any official numbers yet but we know Josh’s Count dropped from 4.5 Million to 2 Million and his motility went up.  Waiting for results to talk to the RE.

Why Did You Do That Dove?

If you are like everyone else is the world I am assuming most of you saw that Super Bowl. And with the Super Bowl comes the commercials. There were a lot of serious commercials and some funny ones as well. I liked the BMW i3 commercial and the Fiat one with the Viagra pill. Both cute commercials to lighten the intense game. The Nationwide commercial was extreme for me but definitely memorable, probably what they were going for. Obviously we have Budweiser. That dog…gets me every time! Josh said last years commercial was better but I thought this year Budweiser did just as well. I teared up, that little guy could have been eaten if it wasn’t for those Clydesdales. For me the most memorable commercial was Doves. Now most people probably wouldn’t say that or even remember the commercial compared to the others. Watching the TV intently through the commercials and I see this adorable baby jumping into Daddy’s arms in a pool. Then they continue with another adorable baby calling to Daddy…and it goes on and on with that.

Once that ultrasound was up I started to tear up, then the girl hugs her dad crying and I was done. I tried to hide it but Josh was sitting in the chair next to me and knew. He got out of the chair and crawled over to me. He hugged me and just asked the obvious question, “What’s wrong babe?” I tried to pull myself together but the second he hugged me and I felt his embrace the tears were flowing. “I want to give you a baby that can call Daddy out to you.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said ,”You will”. At that point the game came back on and I was doing everything to get him to his chair so I could pick up the pieces this Dove commercial crumbled for me. I said, “The game is back on….you are going to miss it.”  He held me tight and said, “I don’t care.” It was so sweet for him to drop everything except me. I love him so much it is unbelievable. He may not be that emotional or say all the gushing things but when it comes down to it he really tries to be that sensitive guy with the shoulder I need. He has been wonderful through this and I really am grateful for him.

Since I have been taking the OPK I have had nothing but BFN and its become a little frustrating. With this stupid app that I have it showed today as my last ovulation day and nothing. Now, when I took my temperature it showed that I ovulate late. I am hoping that I ovulate closer to CD 17-19. Seeing as CD 12-16 don’t feel like working with me. Another Josh moment I adore. As we were talking about this yesterday he was asking if its possible for me to not ovulate. I respond with a Yes. He then asked what would happen if I didn’t. I explained that it depends on what corse we/the doctors want to take. I could be but on Meds or need shots or nothing. Josh responded with a simple, “OK, I have no problem giving you shots if that’s what you need.” Thanks for that because I don’t think I could do it myself.

Today it decided to down pour some snow on to us Ohioans so when Josh and I spoke this morning it was about our awful drives to work and just making sure we both made it ok. I then get a random text from Josh in the middle of the day that said, “A menstrual period can occur even if ovulation has not occurred. Ovulation can occur even if a menstrual period has not occurred. Mind Blown.” I call him, “…someone has been doing some reading.” We simply chuckle at each other. He said that he had been thinking about it and decided to do some reading. He found that I could be ovulating right before my period “so maybe it was bad timing.” I hate that phrase but for once he could be right. We would never mess around close to my period for the messy reasons that we don’t want to happen. Who knows(I will in a few days, hopefully) maybe I could ovulate later then the usual Joe! Lets all hope for some BFP in the future, this girl needs to ovulate!

Grey’s Gets Me Every Time

For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy(I’m sorry that you aren’t living your life to the fullest) there is a couple on the show, Jackson and April that are pregnant. On the last episode we were informed that the baby had a rare birth defect that would cause the baby to maybe only live a few days after it is born, if that. Horrible news for anyone to have to take in. April found out about it and was trying to work all day to keep her mind off what was going on. To help people and have control over some kind of situation. On this episode there was a mom that caused a accident that hurt a lot of people; she drove herself and her kids off a bridge. They found out the mom had a tumor which is what caused her abnormal behavior. But all day April was livid with this mother and what she did to her children. This was April’s breakdown at the end of the episode

WHY?

You can do everything right and it doesn’t even….

WHY?

I am sure we have all said that numerous times. To ourselves, to others, or just on here. Just to get it out, just to say the words. WHY? Why us? Why me? I try to understand and comprehend why this is happening to me on almost a daily basis. As a religious person I even say what April says, “why would God let that happen”.  I am not saying I am perfect but I am not a bad person. Why can’t we have a baby? Why do we have to struggle with this? I want to understand and I want an explanation for the obstacles that we have to jump through. April, holding her belly and saying Why just crushed me. And as Jackson said, “I don’t know”. It is the worst answer but it is the one that we all hear. There is no one that can answer the question Why so we have to settle for “I don’t know” as the answer to our questions. But the next part is what we all need to remember ,” but whatever you need I am here.” There is always someone. Whether there are multiple someones or just one…remember that. There is nothing wrong with breaking down. I am a person that does that in private or at least I try to. Last week I had a moment in public though and it was difficult.

Josh and I were finally able to go to one of my step daughter’s basketball games. They are Fridays at 6pm and working at a bank doesn’t really make it possible for me to go. This week her game got pushed back so we could go. We walk in and are greeted by my husband’s Ex Wife’s Dad who told us that the other game was almost over so my step daughter was up next. It was crazy in there from a game that was currently going on. Once that game ended we found a seat on the bleachers. Across the gym was where Josh’s Ex was sitting and we didn’t realize that until we sat down. She came over with her 1 year old daughter to give us my step daughters basketball pictures. Her daughter is adorable. While she was chatting with us her daughter laid her head on her moms shoulder. My heart melted. We all know that is probably the one thing that we all want. I was fine at that point, no big deal, just an adorable baby cuddling with her mom. They go back to the other side of the gym to sit with there stuff. After about 15 minutes I look back over to her. I see the baby sit up then fall into her mom and she just held that baby with all her might. I started to tear up. I was so jealous. This woman not only has a child with my husband but has a baby as well. At that point she had everything that I wanted, everything that I have been wanting for the last 2 years and 4 months. I didn’t look at Josh. I avoided eye contact at all cost. After one tear fell I knew I needed to get it together. I didn’t want my step daughter to see me that way, my husband, or his ex wife. So, I took a few deep breaths, focused on the game, and didn’t look at her for the rest of the game.

I am just grateful that weekend is in the past. Keeping the Dream Baby in mind I am happy for this weekend. I am going to a movie with my mom and step dad tomorrow. After that we are having a game night with Em*, her husband, his sister, her husband, and their kids. Then Sunday is the Super Bowl so we are going to a friends house to watch that. AND I got the job!!! YAY! I still have to put in my 2 weeks in but it was nice to start the weekend with great news! I hope everyone has a great weekend.