Struggle

Sometimes, I struggle understanding people.

When someone who has been through a similar situation to yours, mine, all of our situations and the second that they have a child, they forget. The memories of the pain, of the loss, of the grief, the struggle…it’s all gone. This person never went to a doctor, RE, specialist, or anyone to try to help the process to get pregnant. Eventually she got pregnant on her own. While talking with her about our struggles she would say the things we all hate to hear:  Continuing to talk about how difficult her child can be…”Are you sure you want to have a kid?” “OH, it’s that expensive! You really want to go through all that?” To give you a brief history of myself: I am a mostly Irish and German. I have been told, by numerous people, that I am a firecracker. I do a good job at keeping my temper under control but the majority of time I just blurt out what I am thinking. So, when people continue asking questions like that I just respond with “Yes” and change the subject or continue on talking. I try not to make it a big deal. With this particular person though, SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS! Longer then I have been through this. So, instead of the typical “Yes” i said, “Yes, don’t you remember what it was like? Don’t you remember how bad you wanted it?” And she responded with , “Yea, but I don’t know anymore…its so hard and my baby is such a pain sometimes” It’s like what I said, didn’t even register in her brian. Like, she completely forgot everything. How do you forget that pain? I know people talk about the pain of birth is a minor thought once you have the child, “it’s all worth it” They say. Well, shouldn’t it be that way with your infertility? Should you remember the pain but it all be worth it once you have that baby you have dreamed about for so long. I say this all now and I hope that I don’t become that once I get pregnant. Please put me in check if I ever say something that make me seem like I forgot.

After that fun conversation I wanted a good weekend. My husband and I went to the Auto Show with Em*, her husband, and their two kids. I never put pictures up of us so I decided to take on and put it on here for once. Yes, my husband has a ferocious beard. I am not a fan of the beard. I don’t mind it when it is trimmed but it’s not in this picture. Thing is getting out of control. We had a great time at the Auto Show and didn’t do much the rest of the weekend. Which is exactly what I needed.

Monday I woke up with a sore throat and throughout work my ear started to bug me as well. By the time Josh got home from work my ear was really bothering me. My throat was like the Sahara desert. It did not matter how much water I drank, nothing was satisfying this dryness. It was about 7:30pm when everything was really bothering me. We were running around and got home at 8:15pm and I was in bed by 8:30pm. I woke up at 11:30pm feeling warm and in a lot of pain. I fell back asleep but woke up again at 12:30am with the same symptoms. I woke up once more at 1:30am and IT WAS AWFUL! I was sweating, freezing, clearly running a fever, and in tremendous pain. I took my temperature to verify the fever and it was confirmed, 100.29. Oh, joy! I have to leave for work at 6am, I don’t know how I am going to do this. I couldn’t fall back asleep. I drank a bottle of water and grabbed a cough drop. The last time I checked my phone it was 3:30am. I was shaking and bundled under my comforter. Josh was sleeping on the couch therefore I had the entire conformer to myself. I wrapped the whole thing all around me and was still shivering. I fell back asleep until 5:00am. I called off work then I stayed awake until 6:00am to wake up Josh for work then took some night-time medicine to try to get some sleep. I slept until 9:30am then went to the Walgreens Take Care Clinic (which I had to pay out-of-pocket because of high deductible/ HSA insurance). I found out I have Strep Throat, the Flu, and to top it off I started my period!!! All in the same day! The nurse practitioner told me to take yesterday and today off to make sure I wasn’t contagious anymore. It has been a struggle over the last 40 hours. I haven’t eaten a meal since Monday at 11am. I have had a half a package of crackers, two granola bars, and a poor attempt at soup this morning. Back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not.

New cycle! Once I get my insurance card I will set up the appointment with my doctor. Until then we will use OPK and PreSeed. It has officially been 2 years ad 6 months into this journey. My goal is to not make it to 3 years. Good Luck to the next month for myself and all of you! CD2 here we go!